by E. M. Moore
I nodded. “Fine,” I said, though realizing as I said it I sounded anything but fine. “Perfectly fine.” My own voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard to me. A grating shiver went up my spine and I cocked my neck back and forth to work out the kinks. Even I realized I was acting strange. I looked back at him to try and make nice. “Did you go home for the little break we got?”
The more we talked, the more relaxed he became. Inadvertently, it might have been the more I started to act normal, the more the wariness started to slide away from him. Nonchalantly, he rubbed at an area on his back and I wondered if I’d hurt him when I slammed him to the ground. Part of me was a little pleased with that fact. If I had, maybe he’d think twice about doing that to me again. I started walking away and he fell in step next to me, though he put a foot distance between us where he normally wouldn’t have. “Yeah, I did. Got to see the family a little bit. Well, not my dad. He got called in to help the Ravanas out.”
My eyebrows rose, and my gut clenched simultaneously. I really wasn’t in the mood to talk about the princes right now, but a part of me was a little curious as to why his father was brought in. Was he there the whole time? Was it because of the gas station incident or the guard murder? “Yeah?” I asked, hoping he’d elaborate.
“Maybe you saw him,” Evan said, finally moving a little bit closer. His short-cropped brown hair bristled in the breeze. “He said he saw you.”
I shrugged. Not really caring about who I’d seen and didn’t see at the Ravana Estate. I had a one-track mind and I sure as hell didn’t care if I saw Evan’s father there. “There were a lot of guards. I probably did, but I couldn’t even tell you all their names.”
He seemed disappointed with that. He fretted over his lip as we walked closer and closer to the main house. It was just about breakfast. We were the only two outside at this time of morning. On any other day, it would’ve been just me.
He ran his hand through his hair, and tugged on his ear. “My dad told me what happened…” He trailed off and looked at me as if he expected me to say something, but I needed more clues than that.
There were a few things his dad could’ve told him. Was it the fact that we were strictly not allowed to have relations with vampires anymore? Was it the fact that I got hurt when we were out on a scouting mission? That the princes were attacked by a holy water wielding human? Or was it that a guard died at the hands of a rogue vampire? There was just too many things going on to play “Guess the question”. I ran a hand over my forehead, feeling that familiar tension headache. I liked it better when I was the only one here. I didn’t have to worry about what to say to people or what the hell kinds of questions they were going to ask me.
“Well, anyway,” Evan said. “Dad was impressed with your fighting skills. He said you all trained together once.”
“Yeah, that part was fun,” I said, not offering up much information. If my trip to the Ravana family home had only been about training, I would’ve been a happy camper. Instead, too much had happened.
We walked toward the large guardian building door. As soon as we stepped inside, the smell of bacon called to me from the cafeteria. I made a bee line straight for it. Too preoccupied to hear the buzzing of voices, I stopped dead in my tracks once I saw the amount of trainees back at The Fort. There were so many. No, they didn’t all look up at me and stare, but I still felt as if I was on display. The next second, I stumbled forward when Evan ran into me from behind. He reached out and snaked a hand around my waist. “Sorry about that,” he said. “I didn’t realize you were putting the brakes on.”
I closed my eyes at his touch, my stomach roiling. It only served as a memory for those I couldn’t have. I peeled his fingers away and dropped his hand. “I’m fine.”
It wasn’t just the bacon calling me now, it was the fact that I wanted to get the hell away from Evan. I moved forward in line, not really looking at what I was loading onto my plate and then skittered off to my usual corner table. Once seated, I hung my head, staring down at my tray full of food. None of it looked appetizing. Or maybe it was me. I couldn’t deal with people today. They only served as a reminder of who should’ve been here with me, but wasn’t. Who’d left me all alone. Yes, I’d asked them to. I’d practically begged Isabelle to take them away from me if something happened, but I wasn’t prepared to not say goodbye. If we couldn’t change this stupid law, I was going to go crazy.
A hand touched my arm and I swung around, my fork poised between the person and me. Liv jumped back, her hands in the air. “Whoa, girl.”
I froze, assessing her. She was frightened, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly as she looked at my weaponed hand and then back to my eyes. I dropped the fork back to the table and then ran a hand over my forehead. I needed to calm the hell down before I ended up taking someone out. “Sorry about that.”
She pointed down to the other end of the table where Shannon sat. Behind her, Evan was making his way toward us. “We’ve been calling you. Did you see us sitting down there?”
I shook my head. “Sorry. Preoccupied, I guess.”
Gesturing with her head back toward the other end of the table, she asked, “Why don’t you come sit with us?”
Part of me knew that acting as if nothing had happened would be smart, but the other part of me wanted to curl up in a ball and think of nothing else other than what I’d lost. Shannon gave me a quick wave, and by this time, Evan had sat next to her, his eyes assessing. I stood, dragging my tray to sit next to Liv and sat down, my limbs hanging and lulling around as if I was sluggish. I’d wasted so much energy already today thinking and talking. By the time breakfast was over, I’d probably need a nap, not another round of calisthenics.
I pushed my tray away and scratched my head before pulling my hand through my hair. My hair tie was around my wrist so I took it and bundled my hair at the base of my neck for something to do.
“You seem on edge,” Shannon said. She looked me up and down, a small frown tugging at her lips. I owed Shannon a lot. She was the first one to speak to me when I’d come here. The one who’d reached out to befriend me when no one else had. The least I could do was talk to her.
“Rough weekend,” I ventured, trying to smile, but it wilted from my face immediately. There was literally nothing humorous about what had happened at the Ravanas.
“We heard about the guard up at the estate. Were you there?”
I nodded, my mind slow to think of a response. What a nightmare that had been. I’d gone from picking out rooms with the princes, sharing pieces of myself with Connor and Stephan and then reality set in again like a resounding smack to the face. Who were we to get ahead of ourselves? Who were we to think we were special? “In the flesh,” I said, picking up my fork and moving food around on my tray.
I peeked up, but immediately lowered my gaze again. They were all looking at me as if I had information they wanted. I didn’t know what else I could share with them. It happened. It sucked. But ridiculously, that hadn’t been the part of the evening that was the worst blow. At least not for me.
“This whole new law about guard and vampire relationships being strictly forbidden is bullshit,” Shannon said, taking the pressure off me to speak. She twisted her red hair behind her and threw it behind her shoulder. “Who the hell do they think they are?”
I looked up. Shannon’s eyes were hard, but Liv’s were glowing. “You’re just pissed because you’ll never get to live out your fantasy. Which one is it again that you want?”
Shannon fanned herself. I recognized the gleam in her eye from the few times I’d truly felt it. Lust, pure and insurmountable. “Nicolai.”
“Nicolai?” I blurted out, my thoughts shaken. Jealousy pricked at my skin. My fingers tensed around my fork. My Nicolai…
Shannon smirked. “You too, huh?” She gave me a wink, and I briefly thought about punching her in that eye so she forever lost the ability to wink again. She didn’t know me. She had no idea what my feelings were for Nic. It wasn’t
just because he was a handsome specimen of a man. He had a deep soul. A relaxing smoothness to him that outsiders didn’t get to witness. Sure, he was every bit the Dark, Sexy & Badass bit, but he was the protective shield. The one who took action when things needed done. He was…
“Oh no,” Evan said, staring at me. “Not you, too.”
“Hate to break it to you, Evan, but I can’t name one female guard in this place that wouldn’t like a little piece of the Ravanas.” Liv shoved a forkful of egg into her mouth and then waggled her eyebrows.
“There’s some guys, too,” Shannon said, smiling and nodding.
Had I been living under a rock? I certainly wasn’t immune to the Ravanas’ charms, but everyone else, too? I looked from Shannon to Liv and wanted to wipe the dreamy smile from their faces. They were mine. All of them.
“Maybe I should be happy about this strict rule then,” Evan said, staring at me. “Might give some of us who aren’t genetically manipulated an actual chance.”
At the very exterior, I knew it was a joke. But the more it banged around in my head, there was no way I could let him get away with it. “Happy?” I asked. “Are you kidding? This law shouldn’t make you happy, it should make you angry.” I stood, my hands clenching into fists and blood pumping. A thousand different things were running through my head, but as soon as I thought them, I dismissed every last one. Each word that bubbled to the surface could’ve been construed as my having feelings for them and there was no way I wanted anyone to catch on to that. Guards sure as hell weren’t second-class citizens. We should be allowed to be with whoever we wanted.
Yeah? And why did I think that? My brain challenged. Was it just because I wanted to be with my vampire princes or was it because it truly wasn’t right? Was I being selfish or a radical thinker?
Liv put a hand on my arm. “Calm down, Ariana. Evan was just joking.”
My whole body locked up. Without saying another word, I swung my leg around the bench and stalked off. Talking about this with them wasn’t going to do any good. I was like a piece of tissue paper. Quick to rip and entirely too easy to see right through.
Chapter Twenty
Instead of just heading right out to the lawn to start our morning run, I ran to my room. Slamming the door behind me, I looked around at the few objects strewed around until I found it. My phone.
It sat on the dresser just as innocently as it had when Nicolai left it for me. Now, it was like a beacon reminding me of what I couldn’t have. I hadn’t dared turn it on since I left their estate. What if they were trying to contact me? I told Isabelle to keep them away from me, but the thought of them sending me messages wasn’t the worst thought. The worst thought was the one that came right after. What if they hadn’t tried to contact me? As if I was old news being thrown in the recycle bin. I never thought I was a needy person. In fact, I’d prided myself on being the exact opposite, but that was only because I never had something I needed in my life.
Sure, I could contact them if I wanted. But the same old fears kept popping up. What if they didn’t answer? Realistically, I knew that if they didn’t, it was because they were just trying to play a part. However, what if we had to play it so long, they just forgot? Or they just didn’t care anymore? What if I was too much work? They not only had to bring me into this world, but now I couldn’t even be with them. We couldn’t share our feelings, we couldn’t feel or touch to know the truth. The memory of Nicolai’s hands on me brought me to my knees. He’d wanted me. Hell, he’d even told me what he wanted to do to me. What if he found someone else to take the ache away?
I clenched my teeth and screamed out in frustration. I should’ve punched Shannon for even putting those thoughts in my head. I scrambled forward for my phone, bringing it to my chest. All the answers were right there in front of me, all I had to do was turn it on. My fingers trembled, my heart skittered away into a beating frenzy. Then there was that niggle. That idea in the back of my head. The one I’d focused on when I told Isabelle to keep them away from me. Even something so innocent such as a text or phone call would be evidence against us. What was all that relief worth if my mind was wiped and sent away from them for good?
Absolutely nothing.
I pried the back off the phone and then took the battery out. I threw the three pieces into my closet and jumped to my feet, moving toward the door again. You don’t have a phone, I told myself. You don’t have any way to contact them. Train. Graduate. Change the law.
That was it. That was all I had to do. With everything I’d had to endure, the heartache and the loneliness, I sure as hell could show the princes how tough I was when it came to this. Train. Graduate. Change the law.
I was back outside a minute after everyone else. I caught up with the back of the running crowd. Samuel inclined his head toward me and I did the same. He’d been noticeably absent the couple days I was here when barely anyone else was around. I wished I’d had enough guts to pick his brain on the drive back to The Fort. His sister was on the side of the Ravanas, but what about him? He was gruff around the edges, but he worked with guards day in and day out. He had to have some opinion on the law that was just passed down. In fact, I’d be surprised if he was for it.
My toe caught on a fallen tree branch and I stumbled forward. I shook my head, chastising myself. I really needed to pay attention to what I was doing and not think. Uncomfortable in the back of the pack, I picked up the pace. I was used to finishing our three miles first or very close to it. I started to pass people, my legs working harder to move up. Bits of conversation made their way to me as I passed groups jogging next to one another. There was some speculation on who was going to teach the normal vamp-human politics class since it was usually Natalie Rajyvik. With her new baby, everyone was sure it wouldn’t be her, but they didn’t know who would be taking her place. Of course, there were a lot of people talking about the Council meeting and the new law too. I tried to run faster passed them, but one group caught me. I heard someone say, “There she is,” and then in the next instant another voice called my name.
I slowed down and looked over. I knew their names as Shelby and Rick, but I’d never spoken to them before. Never had a reason to. “Yeah?”
“You were at the Council meeting, right?” Shelby asked, her lips a thin line.
I nodded, a small knot starting in my side since I wasn’t breathing properly. This was why conversation wasn’t necessary when running. There were too many things to concentrate on if you wanted to do it well.
Rick sneered. “It’s bullshit, isn’t it? I heard the vamps got scared because Royce Michaelson offed himself because of his relationship with a guard. As if every vampire is going to kill themselves if they spend time with us.”
I had to agree with him. That was one of the first reactions I had.
“It must’ve been awful to be there,” Shelby said, true sympathy showing through.
“Yeah, you’re in a room full of vamps and then they decree you can only have business relationships with them. As if we have an epic case of cooties they can catch.”
A smile pulled at my lips. This Rick guy was pretty funny even though it was masquerading as anger. “Yes,” I said sarcastically. “I particularly enjoyed the part where they asked the Ravanas why they went out of their way to save my life.”
Shelby’s mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding?”
I shook my head and Rick cursed. “Don’t know why I’m surprised,” he said, his voice hard, the amusement already strained from it. “I bet that made you feel all sorts of awesome inside.” He jogged closer to me and lowered his voice. “You know, if you ever want to talk to someone about your true feelings…” He looked around, his gaze appraising, steady, yet alert at the same time. “…you can talk to us. There are more than a few of us who think this is all bullshit. Actually, to tell the truth, we’d be more than happy to have you come in and tell us exactly what happened. There’s—”
“Stuart,” Samuel barked out.
I
jumped away from Rick and searched for the tall, foreboding instructor. He stood off to the side, beckoning me over with his hand. I gave Rick a shrug and jogged over, running in place as I stayed next to him. When I got there, he stared off at the pack. I followed his gaze as it stopped on Shelby and Rick. “You’re smart, Stuart, so I’m just going to leave it at this. There is more than one way to make change, and you certainly don’t want to get mixed up in the wrong way. You follow me?”
I nodded. Abstractly, yes, I followed him completely, but why he had brought me over right then, that I was clueless about. Though, my gut was telling me it was about Shelby and Rick and whoever these people were who wanted to hear my side of the story.
“Get back out there and show me what you can do,” he said, grabbing my arm just above my elbow and moving me forward. “I want to see the back of your shirt when you cross that finish line first.”
With his words, I sped up again. We had one more lap left around the perimeter. With the time I’d taken to talk to Shelby and Rick coupled with my late start, I had a lot of ground to make up. His words propelled me forward though. I didn’t know where Samuel stood, but I did know that he held all the cards when it came to my placement in the field. In hopes that we could get the stupid law overturned, I needed to be close to my princes in order to make it worthwhile. An overturned law without the princes would mean nothing to me.
Even as I thought it, the wrongness of that statement twisted my gut. It wasn’t just about me. It was about all of them. Whatever Rick and Shelby were invested in, it was about them too, and everyone else who didn’t like being made to feel less than. It wasn’t even about loving who you wanted to, it was about being free to do the things you wanted and not wondering who was looking over your shoulder. If I wanted to call Connor, I could call Connor without asking myself if I was going to get in trouble doing it. If Shannon wanted to call Nic…
No. That wasn’t going to happen. Law or no law, she could back the hell off.
