It’s good enough for me. I love that rush of going down now, being enclosed by all that water. It’s strange because usually I don’t like being hemmed in, but underwater is a different sort of space.
Dev’s my diving buddy this time. As we go down, he gives me the round okay sign. It reminds me of Mei and how much she’d enjoy this. It’s a quiet day to dive. The colours are not as bright once we get further down but I see shapes of fish darting close by.
The time goes fast and too soon Felicity is giving us the thumbs up to rise. We level off at about four metres below and ascend slowly. It’s an incredible world under all that water; makes you forget whatever’s bothering you on the surface. The feeling stays with me for hours. Even when I go to the bathroom later and some bloke in the toilet block asks me the way to Penola, I don’t take much notice of him. I just say I don’t know. ‘Not from around here, mate?’ he asks.
I shake my head and walk out to Dev and the bike.
Dev’s run into some blokes he knows. Some mates he used to ride with, by the look of it. There’s a lot of backslapping and laughing. They all wear leather vests identical to Dev’s. One guy has long hair like Dev used to.
I wish Mei was here. That’s when my idea bursts into bloom. I don’t wait until I get home; I punch in a text to Mei.
It’s on the way home from the beach that we have the accident. Dev and I are on the bike, in front again, but not speeding off. Max and Felicity are behind us but out of sight around a corner when a ute lunges out from a side road. It happens so fast. It comes right for us. It’s going to ram us, is all I’m thinking, but Dev swerves in time. Just as we skid I see it out the corner of my eye, like a huge shadow. I look behind me and there’s a blur of grey, a monstrous black bullbar, giant antennae, lights crawling all over it. Lethal revving.
Dev’s shouting at me to hang on; we skid across the road, just miss a Stobie pole and slide down the embankment. Both Dev and I are off the bike. I’m still skidding, crashing through bushes. The bike has stopped roaring, and when I look up, I see the back of the ute. The cowards – they didn’t stop to see if we’re okay. All I see are the mudflaps, huge bull horns on the dark rear window, and gravel flying as the ute rips down the road.
We’re picking ourselves up when Max and Felicity drive up. The accident must have happened in seconds. I’m checking myself for scratches. Good thing I’m wearing my leather jacket and jeans. There’s a tear below my right knee.
Both Max and Felicity pile out of the four-wheel drive. They don’t even shut the doors. ‘What happened? Are you all right?’ Felicity lifts the visor of my helmet. But I can get it off myself. The accident has freaked me out and I push her away. ‘I can do it.’ My voice is a snarl.
‘Wait, we need to check for head injuries.’ Felicity is managing to sound calm.
Dev turns to Max. ‘A ute came out of nowhere.’
‘They knocked us off the road,’ I say.
They all turn to look at me. I hesitate. ‘Well, that’s what it felt like. They didn’t even stop.’
Felicity is about to say something but Dev interrupts. ‘It may be nothing, just kids being stupid.’
‘Is your bike okay?’ Max has his priorities right. Dev’s already checked: it’s dented, the paintwork is scratched, and he has to adjust the mirrors, but when he turns it on, it purrs like a lion. It’s a tough bike.
Felicity is pacing now. ‘I think we need to be more careful, stay at the farm, until we’re sure.’ I wonder what she means. Whatever it is I don’t like the sound of it. Looks like Dev doesn’t either – he turns on her.
‘We can’t stay cooped up all the time.’ I don’t think I’ve ever heard Dev sound so forceful. I’ve known it’s there under the surface, but he hasn’t let it out before like this. Felicity backs off. ‘Both Joel and I will go crazy,’ he adds more quietly.
Felicity nods at me as if she’s thinking of something else. ‘Let’s get back. I’ll make dinner tonight.’
There’s only a short text from Mei tonight.
Hi joel gr8t idea u had. haven’t asked dad yet. keep u posted. mei
I don’t tell Mei about the accident. She’d only worry or tell Gran.
10
I’m sitting outside on the verandah with Dev after our showers. I’ve never had gravel rash that stung so much. We’ve been properly ‘Dettoled’ by Felicity. It’s amazing where some of those scratches ended up. Felicity has the tweezers out and is picking bits of gravel out of my wrists. It’s no light massage either.
I’m surprised how much Dev is shaken up by the accident. I’m even more surprised that when Felicity goes inside he starts talking about it. ‘I thought it was going to happen again. Not twice in one lifetime, was all I could think when we were going over. I thought I’d lose you too.’
My mouth must be ajar. I know what he’s referring to: his wife and child were killed in a bike accident years ago.
‘What happened that time?’ I ask softly. All he’s told me about it is that it was his fault and that’s why he went to jail: for manslaughter.
Dev doesn’t answer at first. I give him time; he does the same for me. ‘It felt the same as today,’ he finally says. ‘I hope it isn’t.’
Dev is tired. Tonight he has more lines around his eyes than Gran. I’ve never noticed before how much grey is in his beard and the hair above his ears. ‘When my wife and kid died, it wasn’t an accident – we were forced off the road. There were bikes in front and bikes behind. We were going fast, trying to get away from the club. They didn’t like that I wanted to leave – I knew things that could incriminate them. I had to get my family out of town, but I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t keep them safe—’ Dev’s voice breaks off. ‘By the time the police came the bikes were gone.’
I’m horrified. This is the most Dev has ever spoken about the crash. Dev’s gone quiet but I can’t resist asking another question. ‘How do you cope with that, I mean, some guys killed your family, and you went to jail instead?’
Dev doesn’t answer; I shouldn’t have asked. Then he looks at me. ‘You have to let it go or it eats you up. No one can live with bitterness – it destroys you in the end.’
‘So you can live with the fact that those guys got away with it?’ Maybe this is upsetting Dev but I have to know.
Dev nods slowly. ‘I’m not saying it’s easy, but forgiveness is an act of the will, mate. You don’t have to feel like it to do it or we never would. But gradually it becomes a part of you – you stop living out of fear and hate. It’s hard to explain, but I know it’s a better way to be, and that’s more important than if some guy gets his just desserts. Leave that to the police, or to God. Either way it’s not my problem.’ He adds quietly, ‘Or I thought it wasn’t.’
‘What do you mean?’
Then Dev says something truly frightening. ‘I’m afraid it might not have been an accident today.’ He pauses and checks my face. ‘And I’m not sure I can cope with this twice.’
11
We have a conference around the table after breakfast. Felicity starts the talking, but she’s focused on me. ‘There’s something that maybe we should have told you before, but we were advised against it by the police.’ She has my full attention; I sit up straighter. I have a feeling whatever this is I won’t like it. ‘What happened yesterday may not have been an accident and you need to know that you are not on a holiday.’
A picture of Gran flashes into my head. The worried look on her face as we left. ‘Gran knew?’
Dev nods. ‘I’m sorry, Joel. We didn’t want to worry you, but the detective knows that Scott still has a contact on the outside. The police are trying to trace him, but, of course, they need proof of illegal acts before they can arrest anyone. They just thought it might be dangerous right now – Scott being obsessed as he is about you.’
I look at Felicity. ‘Dev didn’t know you or Max?’
She shakes her head. Well, that explains a lot.
Dev says, ‘The detective gave me a few choices of safe places but I thought we’d come here since there’s a beach.’
‘But you are really a ranger?’ I ask Felicity.
‘Sure. But we sometimes host people who are in a spot of trouble like you are. It’s not full-on witness protection, just a safe place to stay for a while.’ No wonder she wouldn’t take me to town with her.
‘It’s a job we do on the side,’ Max says. ‘I’m an ex-cop so we get a few people who are giving evidence in court.’
‘Looks like we didn’t get away quick enough – someone must have followed us,’ Dev says quietly. ‘Otherwise how could they know where we are?’
Suddenly the room seems far away. The floor is wavering and rolling like there’s a flood.
‘There are lots of ways,’ Max is saying. I can hardly hear him. It’s like he’s talking underwater. ‘Did you ring home? Send a letter? Tell someone who could be questioned?’
Dev shakes his head as I groan. I know it’s my fault but I try to save myself all the same. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? You should have told me.’
My voice is loud and Dev answers quietly like he always does when I start losing it. ‘I wanted to, mate.’ I can tell he feels bad, but not as bad as I do.
It’s Felicity who catches on. ‘What’s wrong, Joel? What did you do?’
I pull the mobile from my pocket. I hear their indrawn breaths. Dev asks with his voice so thin it scares me, ‘Have you been using it?’
‘Mei gave it to me – we didn’t know. We thought it was a holiday. It was fun to keep the phone a secret – that’s why I didn’t say.’ My voice rises. ‘You should have told me.’
‘It’s okay.’ Max has an encouraging smile in place. ‘What did you tell her? Where you were?’
I nod miserably. ‘But Mei doesn’t talk a lot.’
‘If someone asked her, friendly-like, she might tell them though,’ Max says.
That’s when I remember the guy in the loo. ‘Someone spoke to me in the toilet yesterday – he seemed okay, was just asking directions.’
Felicity sighs. ‘And you didn’t know the way.’
‘Well, no, I’m a visitor.’ Then I realise. ‘Oh.’
‘It’s an old trick,’ Felicity says softly. And I can see what happened all right. The guy asks all boys who look like me for directions until one can’t answer and that one is me. The kid from out of town – the kid he’s looking for. I’m stunned like an owl in torchlight. I’m also stupid.
‘You think Scott’s sent someone home to check where we are?’ Dev says.
‘That’s why we say no calls, no postcards.’ Max is frowning again.
‘Can someone trace a mobile?’ Dev asks.
Max blows air out of his mouth, thinking. ‘If they have the right equipment. It would depend if Scott knows the right crooks.’
Dev’s holding his head in his hands. ‘What do we do now?’
I hate it that I’m the one who’s made Dev like this. ‘What if it was just an accident yesterday and not anything to do with Scott?’ How I want that to be the truth. All three of them look at me. I know I’ve stuffed up big time with the phone, but they don’t blame me, I can tell. Dev looks tired, not as tense as he was. Max is thoughtful; even Felicity looks like she’s winding down. I breathe a bit easier.
‘We’ll stay here for a while,’ she says. ‘He may not know where we live. Did you tell Mei that?’
‘No, I only mentioned Beachport.’
‘Then we don’t go to town. I’ll tell the police and they’ll keep watch.’
‘But we have to go to town.’ I stand up now, horrified.
‘Why?’ Dev asks. Even his voice sounds tired. Hope he’s not tired of me.
‘Mei’s coming. It was going to be a surprise. Her father’s bringing the trawler down. He’s dropping her off at the jetty today.’
12
Felicity decides that she and Max will go to the jetty to meet Mei and her father and tell them she can’t stay.
‘But I have to go.’ It bursts out of me. Felicity turns to give me a startled look and I turn my tone down a notch. ‘Mei won’t understand. We planned this.’ I have a wavery feeling in my gut. I have to see her.
Felicity looks to Max for help so he answers me instead. ‘If the guy who spoke to you is in with Scott, he knows only you. And Dev now.’
‘Yes,’ Felicity adds, ‘he may not realise we’re with you. That ute was out of sight when we turned the corner yesterday.’
‘Unless he saw you diving together,’ Max reminds her. Now I know why Max didn’t think that was a good idea.
‘But isn’t there some way we could go to the jetty so no one recognises me?’
There’s a silence as if they are deciding who’s going to tell me the bad news. They silently choose Max. ‘Do you want Mei to be in danger?’ he says.
‘Of course not.’
‘As soon as you’re seen talking to her, she could be a target too.’ It hits me then what being a target might mean. Being pushed off the road – just scare tactics? Or worse?
‘This way is safer for Mei.’ Max’s voice is encouraging, wanting me to see his point.
I don’t like it but I understand. ‘Can you give her a note for me?’
Max sits back and smiles. ‘Sure, good idea. That way she’ll know we’re on the level.’
Good idea, he said; at least I’ve had one good idea.
‘Can I say what’s happened? She won’t buy it otherwise.’
Felicity bites her lip; I haven’t seen her do that before. She hesitates before she speaks, so I know she can see I’m upset. ‘Say you’re not on a holiday but don’t mention the accident yesterday. We still don’t know for sure. Have you told her already?’
‘No.’
Felicity smiles at me. She doesn’t hug me like Gran would but I see the sympathy in her eyes.
I leave them to work out the details of meeting Mei and go to my room. I find some paper and a pen in a drawer.
Dear Mei
I’m so sorry about this but there’s nothing I can do. I’ve just found out we’re not on a holiday at all. We’re kind of in witness protection because of the court case. That means you can’t stay – they say it’s not safe. I guess protecting Dev and me is enough for them. I’m sorry you went to so much trouble to come. I thought it was a good idea at the time. See you when I get home. I don’t know when that will be. Please tell Gran I love her. Joel.
I toy with the idea of putting a kiss next to my name. This hurts worse than a punch in the guts. Mei will only be a few kays away and I can’t see her. I think of stowing away in the back of the four-wheel drive, but Dev would find out and I’ve caused him enough trouble. Then I get this horrible thought. I don’t know where it comes from but it swoops in on black wings and settles behind my eyes. Will Dev even want to hang around me with all this going on? When he answered my ad he probably thought I’d be a quiet kid with no problems, not one being stalked, and now he is too. I can’t stop thinking about it; the thought flaps around and grows bigger by the second.
Even though my door is ajar, Dev knocks. It makes me jump. ‘What are you thinking about, mate?’ He’s frowning at me, like he knows what I’ve let into my head. The flapping thing folds up its wings and I decide to tell him. That’s what Dev says I should do when I’m thinking too much. ‘I’m sorry I’m so much trouble. I wouldn’t blame you if you’d had enough. You never asked for this. I’m just stupid and now you’re in danger too.’
Then Dev does an amazing thing. He comes in, sits on the bed and pulls me towards him. It’s none too gentle and a few of his chest hairs get stuck up my nose but I don’t care. ‘Don’t think like that, mate.’ He says it firmly like an order I have to obey.
‘But how?’ It
comes out like a squeak.
‘You think of something else, something true. Say this after me: I am not stupid and this situation is not my fault.’
It’s like saying the truth words in the court and I stumble over them. Dev makes me say them again. ‘Here’s another one,’ he says. ‘This is hard but I will do my best.’ I repeat that too and he sets me back a bit so he can see my face. ‘If you are doing your best, you can’t fail. And all three of us will do our best for you, Joel.’ That’s when I see the tears in his eyes; he blinks but they stay there. I know they’re just for me.
Dev hasn’t finished. ‘This isn’t easy, mate – no one’s saying it is, but whenever you get thoughts you can’t handle, remember they are only thoughts. You can decide to change them, tell them to go, and think a true one.’
I give him a shaky smile.
‘And if it gets so bad you can’t think of a good thought, come and ask me – I’ve got plenty for you.’ His voice breaks for a second and he blinks again; I don’t dare say a word and we sit together in silence.
After a while I say, ‘Thanks.’ Then I add, ‘I wish I could see Mei though.’
‘Yeah. That’s tough, mate.’
Then I remember he lost his wife and kid, so I decide not to complain. That would be worse. At least this way Mei will be safe and I can see her when I get home.
Dev leaves the room and takes the note to Felicity. I hear her ask how I am, and Dev’s low answer, ‘He’ll work it through.’ It makes me feel warm to my toes; Dev believes in me, but I also feel like crying. I’m not upset because of what might happen, but because I can’t see Mei. She’ll be so disappointed. I hate to let her down and not be able to explain in person. I really wish I’d kissed her on the beach before I left.
13
Dev and I are doing a job for Max while he and Felicity are in town. Dev says it will keep our minds off our ‘situation’. At least Dev has fewer lines around his eyes than he did this morning. We’re both a bit subdued but we’re working up a sweat and it feels okay. We’re moving bales of hay from the home paddock to the shed behind the house. It’s good to be strong enough now to be able to lift one by myself. I doubt I’d have been able to do it last year, I was so scrawny. We’re tossing the bales onto the back of the ute and then Dev will drive them to the shed.
Killer Ute Page 4
