Josh decided it was time to burst her bubble because it was floating off into another dimension. "I didn't just weld a bunch of horseshoes together. All the details of the face and mane and tail, and even each hoof, had to be made by heating and shaping and chopping horseshoes, then the welds had to be ground so they were smooth, and the entire piece still has to be sandblasted and heat treated and buffed out and coated with a black finish. By the time I'm done I will have worked on it at least three months, and I'll know every horseshoe welded in place and probably be seeing them in my sleep."
"Is that a negative thing?" Genie asked.
"I suppose not," Josh replied. "It's better than some of the dreams I've been having lately. But when I put together the bucking bull he'll require a certain amount of detail so it's clear he's a bull, not a cow, or I'll end up with Annie at the entrance to the rodeo grounds protesting bucking cows, but making a bull's doodad out of horse shoes will remind me of what I'm missing and elicit even more erotic dreams than the ones I've been having since you arrived, which will have me waking up in the morning and needing to play around with some live bulls to get rid of all my excessive testosterone, unless you can think of another way to take care of the problem."
"Would making love every morning and night get you to stop playing around with bulls?" Genie asked.
Josh looked into a pair of eyes that had lost all their humor. "When we make love, wherever and whenever it takes place, it will not be with conditions," he said. "It will be to express true, deep feeling of love, but only after you've come to terms with my bullfighting."
Genie eyed him with exasperation. "I agreed to keep an open mind but there still has to be some compromises."
"I'm working on that," Josh said. "Meanwhile, I need to get on over to the house so I can answer a bunch of questions about what it's like to be a bullfighter, so you might as well spend the time with Annie."
"I'd rather listen to the interview," Genie said. "I'll make myself scarce, maybe sit in the corner of the room and read a magazine."
Josh felt uncomfortable with that. The reporter would focus on the danger aspect, and Genie would hear things he didn't want her to hear. But it seemed he had no choice.
On arriving at the house, Josh met the reporter, a woman who appeared to be in her mid-forties and looking more city than ranch in slacks instead of jeans, and slip-on shoes instead of boots. Genie excused herself to do exactly what she said—sit in the corner with a magazine, which he knew she had no intention of reading.
After he and the reporter settled into overstuffed chairs across from each other, the reporter referred to her notes and started in by saying, "Statistics show that eighty-nine percent of all rodeo athletes are injured in a single season and that an average of two die. Since bullfighters have the highest rate of injury among all rodeo performers, with those odds, why do you do it?"
Josh glanced over at Genie who was acting like she was reading, and said, "Once you start bullfighting it becomes addictive. It's a hardcore adrenaline rush, knowing you just saved a cowboy. That feeling's hard to find anywhere else."
"It's my understanding that bullfighters have to be chosen by the bull riders. Is that true?"
Josh nodded. "Being chosen for this job is a badge of honor because a group of bull riders have faith that I'll put myself between them and the bull and take the hit if it comes to that."
"So if a young man is interested in becoming a bullfighter," the reporter continued, "what advice would you give him?"
While trying to ignore the fact that the woman he loved was in the process of evaluating whether he was potential husband material, he said, "I'd remind the guy that being a bullfighter isn't a game. When the bull comes bucking out of the chute you'd better be ready to throw yourself between the rider and two-thousand pounds of pure animal menace in a moment's notice because that's your job, so you need to learn the fundamentals and do them right. Agility and footwork are important, which is why I jump rope and jump every conceivable jump rope move, the ones they do in international competitions. But I don't do competitions. I just employ the methods to keep my reflexes quick."
Genie was looking his way now, like she'd connected with the jump rope spiel, and her face was thoughtful, which gave him some hope …
"What kind of training is required before you start in?" the reporter asked, drawing his attention away from Genie and the absorbed expression on her face.
"For me, nothing," Josh replied. "My first time was as a fill-in for a bullfighter who didn't show. I agreed to step in, and the next thing I knew, I had on a protective vest and football cleats and was in front of a bucking bull. I got a little banged up, but after that I spent a lot of time watching and talking to top bullfighters and studying videos so I'd know the disposition of every bull I'd be facing. As for conditioning, the main thing is practicing footwork. A good bullfighter has to be able to anticipate the bull's next move, be agile enough to get in between a downed rider and a bull intent on trampling him, and be in good enough physical shape to dart out of the way and have the bull give chase, that, or be able to take the beating a charging bull can dish out. Anything to give the rider time to escape. Then after the rider's safe you can play around with the bull some and put on a little show, which gives a bullfighter a better chance of getting more jobs and higher pay."
He didn't look at Genie this time, but he didn't have to. She was taking it all in and what she was hearing reaffirmed what she'd already concluded. Bullfighting was a badass profession...
"How do you play around with a bull?" the reporter asked.
"Basically you play tag," Josh replied. "You're it, but instead of running off, you tease the bull into coming after you then try not to get hooked. A good move is to jump over the length of him when he comes at you, which leaves him wondering where you went."
He couldn't help smiling because that maneuver always got the crowd laughing when he left behind a baffled bull. But when he glanced at Genie, she wasn't smiling. She was looking at him like Nurse Ratched again...
"It's my understanding that you're a farrier," the reporter continued. "Is that your primary profession, or is it bullfighting?"
"Being a farrier and working here on the ranch as a wrangler pays the bills for now," Josh replied, "but my goal is to be a top professional bullfighter who bull riders trust to keep them safe. I also like to put smiles on faces and make people forget their problems for whatever length of time I'm in the arena."
The reporter shifted, like she was winding things up, and said, "So, can you describe a typical day in the life of a bullfighter?"
"Sure," Josh replied. "It begins with a denial that your chosen profession also happens to the most dangerous sport on the planet, followed by a quick examination of various bruises and lacerations while wondering what happened, followed by a second denial that it was just an off day and it won't happen again. Then you pad up, cover that with screwball clothes that include wide suspenders, paint your face like the deranged man you are, and go out and try not to get killed while drawing the attention of an angry bull away from the other deranged man in the rodeo ring, the bull rider, who is by then on the ground."
The reporter laughed, then looked at him curiously, and said, "Last question. If you had a son who wanted to follow in your footsteps, would you encourage him?"
Josh hadn't intended to, but found himself looking at Genie, who was staring at him like she too was waiting for his answer. "I think I'll leave my options open for now," he said, which he realized was the kind of answer Genie would not want to hear, which she affirmed when she got up and started across the room toward the front door. The look on her face was both troubled and determined.
Josh stood and turned toward her. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"Out to do some thinking," Genie replied.
By now Genie was opening the door. "Wait!" Josh called out.
Instead of waiting, Genie walked through the open doorway and snapped the door shut behind. Josh l
ooked at the reporter, and said, "Are we done?"
"Yes, I suppose," the reporter replied. "Is there a problem?"
"Yeah, something you didn't cover in the interview," Josh said. "Right-minded women don't marry bullfighters, but I'm going to try and change that." Leaving the woman stuffing papers into her bag, he took off after Genie, catching up with her as she was starting up the road toward Annie and Ryan's house. "We need to talk about this," he said, while falling into step with her.
"There's nothing to talk about," Genie replied. "You pretty much summed up your job during the interview and it's not something I could live with on a daily basis."
"Then that's it?" Josh said. "We're nothing more to each other than a couple of people on a ranch who'll go our separate ways when you leave here?"
"I don't know," Genie said. "Being with you last night was like being given a little spot in heaven, and in a perfect world I'd like to spend every night and day with you, and even grow old with you, but this isn't a perfect world, and now we're back to reality."
"Reality being that you don't intend to give me a chance," Josh said.
"It seems pointless now," Genie replied, "but I told you I would so I will, even if I don't hold out much hope because things are as they are and neither of us plans to budge."
"Then if I still have my girl for another week, I want a kiss." Josh had barely pulled Genie toward him when her arms were around him, and their lips came together, and it didn't matter that guests were roaming about because they were a couple, and he'd somehow figure out a way to keep them a couple.
After the kiss ended and he was still holding Genie in his arms, he said, "You and Abby wouldn't have to trail around after rodeos. I'd be gone some, but when I'm home we could have nights under the stars and all the rest." It came to him, after he'd said the words, that sometime between when he saw Genie in the barn that first day, and now, the idea of keeping on the move and following rodeos had lost some of its luster, and having Genie and Abby in his life on a permanent basis had taken hold, yet he didn't know how to reconcile that because he still had no intention of quitting bullfighting, and Genie had no intention of marrying a bullfighter.
It was as simple, and as complicated, as that.
CHAPTER 12
Genie and Annie stood together just outside the eight-stall pole barn and working arena that Ryan and Josh had recently finished building. Inside the arena, Ryan worked with Biscuit, one of their Kiger mares, while her young foal, Zebra Girl, trotted alongside them.
Looking askance at Annie, Genie said, "I need a reminder from a woman whose man gave up rodeos, as to why I shouldn't insist Josh do the same. He said he would if I asked, but he and I both know he'd have regrets later and resent me for it. Unlike Ryan, who has as great a love for working with horses as he did for riding bulls, Josh has no greater love than his addiction to bullfighting. He even admitted to the reporter that it was an addiction."
"Then things with you and Josh must have progressed some during the overnight," Annie said, while gently shaking the stroller with Cody sleeping in it.
"They have," Genie replied. "Josh and I are talking long term, as in marriage, though the word hasn't been spoken, only implied, and since I'm three years into having a thing for Josh, and he's calling me his girl, I'm finding myself trying to justify marrying a bullfighter. I don't know how it came to this. Two weeks ago I had my head on straight."
"You came to where you are because Josh is a sweetheart who loves kids and would be a devoted husband and father, and he's the product of parents whose lives revolved around their kids, so he'd bring to any marriage his solid family upbringing."
"Except for the fact that we have this little disconnect in that I'm a nurse, and if Josh stays with rodeos I could end up with him as my sole patient, who resides in a hospital bed in the living room of our house, with me raising the kids alone. Eighty-nine percent of all rodeo cowboys end up injured, and bullfighting is the most dangerous job in rodeo. I had a reminder of those statistics during Josh's interview. They're sobering statistics. Yet, Josh could be a successful artist, which reminds me, how come you never mentioned anything about his artistic ability, or that he plays the harmonica. Well, not just plays it, he's amazing on it."
Annie shrugged. "I wanted you to learn things on your own. That's one of the things we all love about Josh. He has amazing talents but he never uses them to draw attention to himself."
"Maybe he doesn't draw attention with his artistic talents, but he does when playing around with bulls after a rider's safe, and he does it to get the attention of stock contractors and bull riders so he'll get higher pay and be more in demand, yet he could create horseshoe sculptures and make more money that way than what he's doing with those bulls. It's insane."
"I agree," Annie said, "but if you want Josh, he comes with bulls. The thing is, he's exceptionally good when working with them, so he might be among the small percentage of rodeo cowboys who never get hurt."
"He's already in the high percentage," Genie reminded Annie. "You forget, we met in a hospital."
"But he's learned from that, and it probably won't ever happen again. You'll have a chance to see him at the upcoming rodeo and see that he really is amazing."
"I wish I could get out of it," Genie said, "but I gave Josh my word so now I'm obliged to watch him challenging dozens of bulls, so I'm as insane as he is. The problem is, Josh has an addiction to bulls, and I have an addiction to Josh. All the warning signs are there. In fact, I have five of the six warning signs for addiction. The first is repeatedly missing work as a direct or indirect result of my problematic behavior, that being staying here at the ranch because Josh is here instead of facing my demons and returning to work. Second is progressively needing to increase the amount of the behavior to attain the desired effect, which for me is concocting reasons to be with Josh, like going on the overnight, which almost brought on the next warning sign, which is engaging in risky behaviors such as having unprotected sex. We didn't do that but still could because of the next warning sign, which is lying to myself that the problematic behavior is under control, which it is not, because I lay in bed at night fantasizing about how it would be if Josh were with me, which brings me to the fifth warning sign, which is continuing the problematic behavior despite persistent attempts by others to discourage it, others being Abby, who is a constant reminder that following a bullfighter around the country isn't an option. The only warning sign I don't have is being charged with a criminal offense."
"Actually, what you just described is a strong case for being in love with Josh."
"Okay, I admit, my feelings for him have escalated beyond a Florence Nightingale effect, which is basically the same as counter-transference in which a caregiver develops romantic or sexual feelings for her patient. I developed both when I was taking care of Josh, but I figured it was because I had this gorgeous male body to take care of, and the guy inside was pretty incredible too, but now I know just how incredible Josh really is. He's everything I want in a husband, except for his addiction to messing with bulls, and in his case, I think it actually is an addiction. Confronting bulls increases the level of dopamine in his brain, which activates the pleasure and reward areas of his brain, which makes him feel positive and good, which in turn makes him want to repeat the behavior that created the feeling. He justifies it by claiming he's saving bull riders lives."
"Well, he actually is," Annie pointed out. "And since some of those riders are his brothers, he also feels a family obligation to protect them."
"That's the justification part of his bullfighter addiction, when in reality, it's the dopamine rush he's after," Genie said. "The biggest problem is the addicted person’s denial about the negative aspects of their addiction on others. I learned this when I was engaged to Cal and needed to know why he risked his life doing idiotic things like motorcycle stunts. It all boiled down to getting a natural high that nothing else could give him, even me. Josh is the same way, but Ryan realized that havi
ng you gave him the same high, so he shifted to marrying you and working with horses instead, and now he's perfectly contented."
Annie looked at Ryan, and said, in a thoughtful voice, "He is contented, and Josh could be too, once he realizes there are other means of getting what he does from confronting bulls, whether it's a dopamine rush from facing the bull, or because he kept someone out of harm's way. Those men are called heroes, not addicts."
Annie's words brought Genie back to the canyon and images of hanging onto a tree for her life while water rose and churned around her, and Josh being suddenly there. She knew he hadn't come after her for a rush of dopamine. He came because that's who he was, a man who gave no thought for his own life when someone else's was at risk. "Even if what Josh is doing is selfless and courageous, I still couldn't be married to a man whose job it was to challenge mad, bucking bulls on a regular basis. He's already the focus of Abby's life, and on her birthday tomorrow he's giving her a pony, which she'll take as an expression of his love, which maybe it is, and if we were to marry, Abby would be devastated if anything happened to him, which it eventually would no matter how good he is, so Abby would worry constantly about what could be next, the way I'd be worrying, so we're right back to where we started."
Annie gave a little despondent sigh. "I guess I see your point."
"That's what I was afraid of," Genie said. "I was hoping you could give me a reason to justify marrying him and living with his chosen profession."
"If Ryan hadn't given it up…" Annie shrugged. "Maybe I still would have married him, but then I would have spent a lot of sleepless nights worrying so I'm glad I didn't have to make that choice. At least Abby's birthday party will be a distraction. Mom plans to bake the cake and she expects you and Abby help decorate it, and Adam will have Jesse along when he brings the pony, and Seth, Deke and Gabe's wives are bringing some grandkids, so with all the activity you can set everything with Josh aside."
Dancing With Danger: Book 8: Dancing Moon Ranch Series Page 14
