Seizing Control

by Kylie Hillman

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Lainey

  Present Day

  “Have you seen Benji today?” Mik's question startles me.

  I was zoned out, engrossed in my project and appreciating the silence after the chaos of the Clubhouse.

  Thinking back over my morning, I realize that I haven't seen him since we got back from the hospital late last night. Wiping my greasy hands on a rag, I fish my phone out of my pocket and text him for his whereabouts.

  "I haven't. That's strange. He normally spends his time annoying the crap out of me when we're on lockdown.”

  After our discussion this morning, I’d headed to the kitchen to help with breakfast preparations for everyone whilst Mik had a couple of hours sleep. He’d been up all night plotting and planning with the other officers.

  When he’d ambled into the bar only an hour later, copper brown hair in disarray and suggested that we head out to the compound’s workshop to work on our project bike together, I’d been hesitant. The bike rebuild represents happier times.

  After promising me that he would give me space, I decided that working off some of my stress doing one of my favourite things was just what I needed.

  “Have you had an update on Joel since this morning?”

  “Yeah, Dad said he is still sedated but he is very stable.”

  “That's good.”

  Our conversation is stilted and awkward. I never thought I'd see the day where Mik and I were uncomfortable with each other. Searching my mind, I remember something that I hope will lighten the mood.

  “Dad said Timber’s got the hots for the female doctor from last night. Apparently he busted them kissing. He's using all of his lines on her too, making her blush. Dad thinks it's mutual attraction since she seems to like his shtick.”

  The tension breaks as Mik and I share a laugh at the mental image of Timber flirting.

  Apart from a serious relationship that lasted just over a year in his mid-twenties, Timber has devoted his time to the MC. His flirting is atrocious and while he thinks he’s suave, he's about as smooth as a baby giraffe taking its first steps. We’ve all given up trying to set him up so he just makes regular use of the whores who hang around the Club.

  “She must be desperate if he can make her blush. Remember that time he asked his date if she knew CPR because she took his breath away.”

  My laughter increases when Mik reminds me of that night. Poor Timber, his date had actually laughed at him in front of everyone when he'd pulled out that corny line.

  “Oh my God, I'd totally forgotten about that.” I wipe tears of laughter from my eyes. “That line might actually work this time considering she's a doctor. If I remember correctly, she was really pretty, wasn't she?”

  “She wasn't bad, not that I paid too much attention last night. Didn't think she was his type though. He normally likes tall blondes, not short red heads.”

  Mik winks at me when he mentions tall blondes. It's been a running joke for a long time that if Mik hadn't got to me first, Timber would have snatched me up. Timber says no one compares to me, that's why he stays single. I don't believe him but it proves he’s definitely the King of Corny.

  “Don’t get cheeky, mister.” I throw my greased rag at Mik and it hits him in the head, leaving smudges on his face and grease in his hair. I duck out of his way when he throws the rag back at me and misses.

  Chasing me around the workshop, he corners me when I run out of room to escape. Wrestling me to the ground with ease, he targets my most ticklish spots and tickles me until I beg for mercy. When he stops I flop on my back over his thighs, trying to catch my breath. Thankfully he avoided my still sore ribs during his tickle fest.

  “Fuck, Lainey.” He stares down at me with longing. “It's gonna kill me if we don't work this out. I'm in hell without you.”

  I attempt to scramble off of his lap but he hugs me to him and kisses me instead.

  “Mik, we can't do this.”

  My head is screaming ‘no’ but my heart and body are screaming ‘yes we can’. His kisses are like oxygen to me. Life sustaining. And as with breathing oxygen, I need to kiss him frequently to feel alive

  “Yes, we can. Just let yourself go. Our bodies don't lie. Feel how fucking good we fit together.”

  He proves his point by moulding our bodies together. We fit like matching pieces of a puzzle.

  “I promise I will never lie to you again.”

  “I promise I will consult you before I make any decisions.”

  “I promise I'll kill any asshole who tries to hurt you.”

  “I promise you can trust me completely.”

  “Please, Angel, put us back together.”

  He punctuates each promise with a kiss. My heart lightens even as my mind questions his sincerity. This is what I wanted him to say when he apologized this morning.

  "How do I know you're not lying? How do I know you're not just saying this because you don't want to lose me?” I can't help but question his motives. My faith in him has been broken into pieces. “I don't know if I can trust you.”

  “Of course, I don't want to lose you. You're my bloody life. I couldn't fucking sleep after you gave me your ring back. You broke my heart and I was fucking pissed at you for throwing us away over one mistake, one stupid lie.”

  I close my eyes and exhale deeply, this is the truth I was afraid of. He can't see what he did is wrong.

  “But when I actually thought about what you said, I realized it wasn't one mistake. That lie was only the one I got caught for. Truthfully, I've told you hundreds of lies over the last four years. Not so I could cheat on you or so I could get away with shit behind your back. Definitely not so I can control you because I love how fucking feisty and independent you are.” Mik draws in a ragged breath. He doesn't look comfortable with his declarations. “I lied to you all those times because I thought the lies would keep you safe. Angel, I understand what you were saying. I’m as bad as fucking Brendan. I took away your right to control your own life just like he did. I just didn't look at it like that until you ripped into me this morning.”

  “You did it for a noble reason, I get that. And if you can admit that you have been controlling me then I can admit that I let you do it as well. I knew you were lying a lot of the time and I didn't say anything very often because I want you to be happy. And I knew most of your lies were your way of keeping me safe. I’m not staying silent anymore though. I'm a twenty-two year old woman, who has survived some serious stuff. I'm capable of making good decisions about how to keep myself safe if I'm given the truth about what's going on. That's what I'm doing from now on whether you or my Dad or bloody Timber have a conniption fit or not!”

  He chuckles at my vehemence. We both know Mik and Timber will be a lot easier to deal with than my mercurial father.

  “Are we okay now though? I meant what I said. I'm not going to keep anything from you anymore. I'm going to be an open fucking book!”

  Pushing my hair back from my face, he kisses my forehead. Hope shines from his eyes.

  “We are better. I'm not ready to jump back in to being engaged yet. You still need to prove you can stop. And I need to prove to myself that I can stick to my guns. Words are easy.”

  “I'll prove it every bloody day, for as long as you'll let me. My life is fucked without you, Lainey.”

  He uses his strong arms to lift me until I'm upright in his lap and my legs are straddling his hips, and then he devours my mouth. I feel confident enough in the progress we just made to kiss him back with similar passion. It sounds ridiculous but I've missed him even though he's been with me the whole time.

  “Argh, my eyes. My eyes.”

  Benji startles us when he stumbles into the shed unexpectedly.

  Turning my attention to him, I can see that he is really drunk. His bloodshot, out of focus eyes and dishevelled appearance combined with the overpowering smell of whiskey he is exuding, give him away.

  “Your declarations are enough to mak
e a man with his balls still attached puke,” he mocks Mik.

  After Mik pulls me to my feet, I move to give him a playful punch in the arm. I don't reach him because Mik slides me behind him before he gets in Benji’s face.

  “Are you fucking high?”

  Mik's terse question hangs in the air. Peering around his shoulder, I re-evaluate my thoughts on my twin’s condition.

  “What’s it to you? So what if I am? I need some fucking stress relief. My sister’s been kidnapped and assaulted again. Joel’s in hospital with bullet wounds and fucked hands. And my loving father thinks I'm his biggest fuck up because he now knows I'm an addict.”

  Lacing his fingers together and then stretching his arms in front of him before rubbing his face in agitation, Benji shoots daggers at us with his bleary eyes. His fidgety actions are an indication that he's more than intoxicated.

  “So yeah, I think I'm entitled to get bent without Saint Michael getting in my face.”

  "Oh Benji. Please tell me you didn't?”

  Even faced with mounting signs, I'm still holding out hope that he's just trying to hurt us with his words and lashing out because he’s upset. He has been clean for his longest stint ever.

  “I did.” He shrugs.

  My hearts breaks for him at his nonchalant answer. He’s already playing with fire drinking during footy season, without playing Russian roulette by using illicit substances as well. If his team gets wind of his drinking or he gets randomly drug tested, his career could be over. He has never fallen off the wagon during the season before.

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Benji. As if we don't have enough shit to deal with.” Mik berates him.

  Storming towards my twin, he grabs him by the back of his neck and drags his face close to his.

  "Who hooked you up?"

  “Fuck you. It's none of your business.” Benji sneers, contempt in his angry, blue eyes. “You're too pussy whipped to be of any help now so I've got someone else.”

  Mik growls in response to Benji’s low blow, pushing him away. My temper snaps and I step around him to slap Benji hard across his insolent face.

  “How dare you! After everything we've done for you, you throw that in our faces?”

  Benji has the good grace to look sheepish in the face of my fury.

  “Where did you get it?” Mik demands again. “I'll beat it out of you if I have to. That shit is not welcome in the Club and you know it!”

  “Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.” Benji dismisses his question with a wave of his hand.

  Growling once again, Mik’s demeanour turns feral. Benji is about to have a meeting with Mad Dog, if he doesn't start talking.

  I try to run interference before Mik explodes, asking Benji once again to please tell us. He ignores my pleas and tries to head back outside. I grab his arm, hoping to reason with him and keep him out of Dad’s sight. He pushes me off of him with unexpected force and I fall hard onto my backside.

  “Right, that’s it you little fucker.”

  Mik launches himself at Benji, grabbing him in a rough headlock. Benji struggles, punching wilding from his cramped position. He lands a lucky punch in Mik's side. Mik grunts and punches him back in the stomach.

  “Is that the best you've got?” Benji taunts, sounding winded from the hit. I'm starting to think my brother is suicidal. Why is he poking at Mik when I can see he's trying to stop himself from kicking his arse?

  “No wonder Brendan gets his hands on Maddi all the time. Useless pussy like you will never be able to protect her.”

  I can almost physically feel the moment Mik's temper snaps. It's like a sonic boom that reverberates through the workshop. He lets go of Benji’s neck, pushing him backwards. Once Benji pulls himself upright Mik starts laying into him, throwing punch after punch. Benji's quite capable of holding his own against most people and lands a few himself, although the damage he causes is nothing compared to what Mik is doing.

  Momentarily stunned at the sight of two of my favourite people fighting, I get myself together and try to pull them apart. I can't move them an inch.

  “Stop it! Both of you, stop it!” I holler.

  Once again Benji lashes out at me and I end up on my ass. Mik looks at me on the ground, his eyes narrowing in further fury before he lays into Benji harder.

  Benji's staggers backwards shaken by the increased intensity of the fight.

  Instead of retreating, like I thought he was going to, my dumbass twin throws himself at Mik. I quickly rise to my feet and try to separate them again but Mik shakes me off of his arm before hitting Benji with a haymaker that snaps his head back with sickening impact. My twin’s eyes roll back in his head and he passes out, his head hitting the concrete floor as he falls to the ground. I run to him and lift his head, laying it on my lap. His mouth is bleeding and both eyes are swollen and turning black. He is a mess.

  "I can't believe you did that.”

  "What did you expect me to do, Lainey? He knocked you over twice. The little fucker is out of control and if Beast sees him like this, shit’s gonna hit the fan,” Mik yells at me through his split lip, which seems to be the only damage Benji inflicted.

  "You didn't need to hit him so hard. He’s upset so he lashed out. It was my fault he pushed me.”

  “Tell me why it's always your fault when he fucks up? He gets free pass after free pass from you. You're not helping him. Let him grow up.”

  “It is my fault. I promised my mother I'd always look after my brothers. You shouldn't have hit him.”

  I defend myself and Benji on instinct but my words feel hollow. This time I can't seem to find a way to excuse Benji’s destructive behaviour. My other brothers and I have been through exactly the same as him yet we don't screw up time after time.

  “So this is my fault now? Lainey, have a look at yourself. You let him get away with being a drug addict who has already been the reason you've been hurt and still won't help himself but you end your engagement with me because of one mistake that wasn't really my fault? You're a fucking hypocrite if you can't see your double standards.”

  Piercing me with a look of exasperation, Mik turns on his heel and strides out of the workshop, slamming the door shut behind him. His jaw is clenched and his biceps are flexing as he opens and closes his fists when he walks away from me. He’s never been this upset with me before. I feel wretched.

  Benji moans at the slamming of the door, finally regaining consciousness. Burying his face into my stomach he wraps his arms around my waist, holding me tight.

  Stroking his hair I ask him, “Why did you get high? If you're hurting, you should have come to me. Getting high will only make everything worse.”

  "I can't come to you. I'm the reason you keep getting hurt. I'm the reason everyone is getting hurt. If I wasn't such a fuck up, none of this would be happening.”

  "Don't be stupid. None of this is your fault.”

  Guilt rises within me when I assure him that it's not his fault, because a small part of me does agree with Mik and blames him for at least some of it. I always have although I've never admitted it before, not even to myself. It stems from my belief that Benji escaped the original Brendan saga without getting hurt. I’ve always assumed I was the only person who got hurt by Brendan since I bore the physical reminders.

  The anguish in Benji’s voice has me reassessing that because I'm realising that even though Benji still has his career and wasn’t physically hurt, maybe he hasn't escaped unscathed emotionally. Mik's right. I'm not helping him by making excuses for him. He needs my help and to do that I need to change how I deal with him.

  Benji doesn't say anything else and I don't push the point. Eventually he pushes himself out of my lap and sits next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. We lean on each other in silence, lost in our own dark thoughts.

  “We’re on lockdown. Where did you get the drugs, Benj?”

  “Nowhere, it's just some stuff I've had for awhile.”

  I can tell he’s lying. He won't mee
t my eyes. I don't have the energy right now for the fight it’s going to take to get him to tell the truth so I choose to nod as if I believe him. This is the last time I'm keeping the peace with him. He needs to face his demons very soon otherwise they might win.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Lainey

  Present Day

  Four days after Mik stormed out of the workshop, he’s still barely speaking to me. I'm not sure what our current problem is but we've never fought like this during our relationship. Our original problem was caused by his four year old lie coming to the surface and just when I thought we were making some headway with it, he beats up my brother and calls me a hypocrite. Granted Benji was out of control and Mik is right that I make excuses for him, but I still feel he could have handled the problem without so much violence.

  It was hardly a fair fight considering Benji was drunk and high and wouldn't have been able to beat Mik even if he was sober. It's well known that the only person who can match Mik physically is Timber and even he finds it hard, regardless of his superior size.

  We’ve spent each night in the same bed, starting the night with our backs to each other but waking in the morning in each other's arms. Once awake, we quickly separate and continue with our cold war. The first two mornings, I tried to engage him but he acted as if he couldn't hear me so I gave in, matching his freeze out with my own.

  The only bright spot that allows me a small amount of faith in us, is that when I step out from the shower each morning, a hot cup of coffee is waiting for me. I don't know if it's a peace offering or just habit on his behalf. However his lack of acknowledgement of the thanks I offer has my stubborn side determined not to be the one who breaks the ice.

  I've had enough guilt trips to last me a lifetime so if this is how he wants to play, I'm more than willing to wait him out. He needs to tell me what his problem is—I'm not a mind reader! With each passing day I'm becoming shorter tempered as my worries about our relationship, Brendan's whereabouts and Joel's injuries take their toll.