by Megan Boyle
harris: jake's and mike's older brother. one day after a bonfire he asked if i wanted to smoke a bowl with him at his house. we ended up having sex for ten hours, nonstop. it's the longest i've ever had sex with anyone. we hooked up and hung out from february to may. we had a lot of fun together. he would make me breakfast and dinner and liked me to sing to him. it felt like a relationship but it wasn't. i wanted it to be, so i ended it. for a few months during harris' and my thing, i would see vincent probably once a week. i thought if i combined these two non-relationships that felt like relationships, it might feel like one whole one. not really, though. we never used condoms and i wasn't on birth control. we had the same sense of humor. he had a foot fetish. he went down on me a lot. i had lots of orgasms. i liked being with someone who had a foot fetish
frank: we worked at the same place for a few months and then he quit. we'd flirt at work but other kinds of talking seemed hard for some reason. one night i invited him to my apartment. he said 'oh baby' and used my name. i didn't like it. i think i had to stop myself from laughing a few times. after sex we bought falafel. it was maybe 2AM. he said 'grace' before eating his falafel. i asked him what that was about. he said one time he did acid and saw god or something, and now he blesses his food. he mumbled and didn't make eye contact. i politely tried to get him to leave for about two hours. didn't respond to his text messages or calls after that. we used a condom
kevin: we were roommates and i think sex made our relationship more complicated than it should've been. i was the aggressor. i wanted to date him. we had sex maybe twice, but a lot of nights we would make out or i would blow him and he would tell me to go to sleep. we provoked each other into a few huge arguments and gradually stopped talking. he never went down on me. he was a good kisser and we used condoms. i felt intensely attracted to him. i never had an orgasm. i feel positively about him now
josh: we met at work. he was shy and we had the same sense of humor. the only time he mentioned his girlfriend to me was to tell me they had broken up, though i inferred their situation was probably more complicated than that. we hung out and hooked up a few times this summer. i wasn't sure if he thought it was 'just sex' and honestly i'm tired and bored of wondering this so often with guys, so i wasn't motivated to find out. he was maybe the best kisser i've kissed. we used condoms, mostly. i would've liked to date him, under different circumstances
james: i had known james through mutual friends for about five years. this summer there were people over and he was one of them. i've always felt attracted to him. he has a way of looking at you, but not at you, just past you or something. average kisser. probably the most adventurous person in bed. he lasted a long time. i had an orgasm. he wanted to do it again in the morning but i had to work. we didn't use condoms. i said 'i hope you don't have 'secret AIDS.' he said 'i hope you don't have 'secret pregnancy.' we laughed and parted ways. i feel good about this
kyle: kyle was the most attractive guy at a halloween party this year so we had sex in the basement. the basement belonged to a girl whose little sister didn't like it that people have sex at parties sometimes and screamed 'get out of my house!' at us from the top of the stairs. this feels ridiculous to me, i think it's funny now. we didn't use a condom. he was an okay kisser i think. it was just alright. we were both drunk. i was dressed as a piece of pizza. i don't think he had a costume
—age at first time: 18 years, 4 months, 2 weeks, 0 days
—age at present: 23 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, 2 days
—total penetrative sex partners: 21
—total males: 21
—total females: 2 (2 not mentioned, i'm not sure they count as sex, it was just making out and fingering)
—total oral sex partners: 20-30
—oral sex giving to receiving ratio: 3:1 (probably)
—total official relationships: 4
—total ambiguous relationships: 9
—total one night stands: 11
—total partners i've said 'i love you' to: 3, and maybe 2 .5's
—total partners who have said 'i love you' to me: 3.5
—alcohol involved in first sexual encounter: 13
—marijuana involved in first sexual encounter: 2
—total STDs: 0
—total pregnancies: 0
—butt sex: 0
—came on my face: 0
—came on my tits/stomach/back/ass: 2+
—asked beforehand: 2
—places i've had sex: all rooms a house can have (not counting the garage), car, on a blanket under a tree, the woods, public bathroom, laundry room, trampoline, started to on the roof of a construction site at night (he was not a construction worker)
—what i felt after completing the list: satisfied for having completed a task, surprised at how many details i remember, surprised at how passive i've been, angry at myself a little bit, self-pity a little bit, sad about failed relationships, happy remembering some moments, irrationally hopeful, glad i'm not in the past, puzzled at why i've diverted to other people about my personal safety, relieved i don't have AIDS or children
1.26.09
last night i slept next to 'a good school' by richard yates. i only wore underpants. i fell asleep with a kleenex up my right nostril. when i woke i thought 'i am fucked' and 'this is probably how a lot of lonely computer programmers fall asleep, except maybe replace richard yates with gamer magazines.' my cat started humping my arm. or i don't know if it's humping or what, he just mounts my arm and moves his ass and licks my hand. i feel confused by it
my friend told me cats have barbed penises and it's actually really painful when they have sex. it hurts both the mancat and the womancat. he bites her neck so she doesn't run away. the barbs on his penis stimulate some part of her uterus or something
i'm not sure what combination of atoms and energy or whatever made me, but i'm glad i got made into a human instead of a cat
my macbook is so dirty. it looks like its owner should be the last person on earth, who has been living in a sewer drain for seven years, who is good at physics and is building a time machine
the other night two coworkers and i went to the peppermill, which is a bar inside an office building. no one who works in the bar knows who works in the offices. old people go to the peppermill to drink and talk about the civil war. it's cheap and quiet and close to work, so we go there a lot. it smells like a cruise ship. they have a plentiful supply of mints. i always take a handful when i leave. everyone is nice there
i drank four dogfish and a double shot of jack daniels. my female coworker and i got salads. my male coworker didn't eat. we talked about relationships. i mostly listened and waited for opportunities to say something. one time there was an opportunity to say something, but i didn't have anything to say, so i said 'oh. i don't know.' later we were talking about hickeys and i told a story about how two friends and i were sitting around one day and none of us had ever experienced a hickey so we gave each other hickeys on arbitrary, non-sexual places on our bodies. then we went to the beach. i thought this story would be funny because the experience of it was funny, but i think my coworkers thought it was deviant and strange. after i told the story they asked questions and i answered them and we were quiet. i felt embarrassed and like i needed to drink more
eventually i think i made enough funny/relevant comments that i 'broke even,' or maybe exceeded and moved into 'well-liked'
one coworker went home. my other coworker and i went to this bar full of people who looked like they listened to dave matthews band. we sat on bar stools. i drank two bud lights and we each had a shot of jack daniels out of a dixie cup. it was extremely crowded and dark
we could have spent ten minutes or two hours there. i started feeling too drunk and not aware of myself anymore. we left. she asked if i would be okay to drive. i said 'yes.' it was probably 2AM
i listened to lou reed on the way home. i ran red lights and thought 'reckless and stupid, but okay.' i focused my eyes directly in front of me so i co
uld use my peripheral vision to concentrate on the yellow and white lines on the road. i felt like i was playing a video game
i remember directionlessly standing in my room and i guess i called neil at 2:39AM, but he didn't pick up. then i called a girl i went to high school with and went to her apartment. we smoked pot and ate pot brownies with her roommate and a boy who looked like yogi bear's son. i remember feeling like everyone was staring at me. i would say something and there would be a long pause. i felt like i was speaking russian. i think they laughed at a few things i said
at some point i stopped remembering details of conversations. i feel like getting drunk/stoned with people is just a way to 'pay dues' to a voice inside of me which says 'you should be social,' i don't expect it to result in feeling genuinely connected to anyone. i don't think anything is morally 'bad' about doing it sometimes, it's just something that happens
i used to smoke pot with my ex-boyfriend and we would think of ways to make each other laugh. now when i smoke around people i feel extremely alienated and paranoid. this usually happens when people start talking about politics. whether i am stoned or sober, when political discussions start happening, i usually try to do something with my hands and think of a way to direct the conversation to something that could make everyone laugh
i wish i could hang out with lil wayne, but i feel like he doesn't 'hang out' with girls, he mostly has sex with them. if we could just kick it and drink cough syrup and spit 16 bars it would be good
1.27.09
i'm cleaning out my liquor cabinet tonight
i went to the gym at 9:30PM. i walked 3.2mph on the highest incline for one hour and burned 650 calories. then i did things to stimulate 'muscular toning' in my abs and thighs. i stretched. on the treadmill i read the first 70 pages of 'the easter parade' by richard yates. i burn calories and read richard yates books at a similar rate
today i sat in the student center for maybe three hours and finished 'a good school' by richard yates and 'introduction to evolutionary psychology' by someone named oscar. i liked both books. the evolutionary psychology one was for a class and easy to read, i finished it in two days. i read 'a good school' for fun. i almost wanted to cry at the end, when this one main character cries. i felt sad that it was over. i think richard yates is bill grove. he is also probably several other characters, in different ways
i just read another 30 pages of 'the easter parade' in the bathtub. someone i sometimes have sex with text messaged me. i am never going to be the woman he wants and he is never going to be the man i want, but we will probably resemble 'ultimate things we want in a mate' to each other for awhile and may continue having casual sex
i'm bored and tired of relationships. i feel like emily grimes, except i'm not naturally 'very skinny' like she is. i have to make an effort to be skinny. if i didn't monitor my food intake, i would probably be one of those 'chubby art girls.' i've lost almost ten pounds. i can wear a size four again. i feel good
today i ate: odwalla 'food bar,' orange, handful pistachios, five triscuits with hummus, four almonds. i drank coffee, green tea, hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, vodka lemonade, amaretto lemonade. i'm trying to drink all the shitty alcohol i have so i can replace it with better alcohol. it feels hard to concentrate on one subject right now. i'm getting drunk. more drunk
it is snowing. snow alleviates my mood 10% automatically
i like night better than day
i don't know if i can drink all this, i'm starting to feel sick/dehydrated
some dynamics in my family and interpersonal relationships relate 100% directly to dynamics in 'the easter parade' in a way that almost feels eerie. i don't think this book will have a happy ending and i will probably over-identify with it
i want to eat chinese food
i want to wrap myself in a burrito of bedding
i want to skip classes and work tomorrow
i want to be quiet for 50 hours
i want to eat ten chicken nuggets
2.05.09
last night i ate a quesadilla, crab dip, and garlic fries with my coworker and felt sick and threw up
tonight i ate some kind of cheese sandwich and now i feel sick and want to throw up
i think i have a dairy problem
john stamos is on 'e.r.' right now, what is he doing on 'e.r.,' seems really bizarre
i had my poetry workshop tonight
everyone in workshop is very nice to each other and no one says negative things. seems like people are afraid of each other
at my old school i took a poetry workshop and it seemed like everyone wanted to attack each other and i felt afraid
i said some 'negative' things tonight kind of, i think. i would say when i didn't understand the intention of a poem. i felt nervous every time i talked. when i read my poem i couldn't see anything but the paper and i became visibly anxious, like shaking physically and vocally
things happen in my life now kind of
there are people who call me
i am always 'doing something'
there is always 'a place to be'
i feel 35% positive about it
sometimes being with people is fun but other times it feels like i'm operating myself from a distance, telling myself i'm having a good time
i am an introverted person but i like approval
john stamos probably thinks he’ll be the new george clooney someday
2.09.09
getting drunk by myself and watching 'america's next top model'
there is a restaurant near me called 'thai landing'
i want to start calling it 'thailanding,' like the verb 'to thailand'
national bohemian beer and rum and diet ginger ale
loud noises have been coming from my ceiling all night
the people who lived above my first apartment used to play 'dance dance revolution' and stomp their feet loudly
one time i used a broom to hit the ceiling to make them stop
chunks of plaster fell and then there was a hole in the ceiling
not a big enough hole to see upstairs
my jeans smell like saltine crackers
tyra banks has a very different view of reality than mine, i think
we learned about the relationship between sensation and perception in my history and systems of psychology class today
that is my favorite class
i take notes for deaf people in that class because when the sign language interpreter asked me on the first day it felt too hard to tell her 'no'
2.11.09
when i go outside i try to mentally will the world to 'missed connect' me. i make subtle eye contact with people and think 'you need to craigslist me, you need to craigslist me, you need to craigslist me' at them very hard
i was in baltimore's b magazine because of something i tweeted on their twitter page
i like wavves, especially the song 'teenage super party'
i drank two full moon beers and fell asleep watching MTV
i woke two hours later
i have been wearing the same thing for four days
i live in constant fear of obesity
most of my time on the internet is spent refreshing the same pages repeatedly
most of the appeal of smoking cigarettes is that it gives my hands something to do. smoking directs my attention from otherwise distracting mental processes. i make better eye contact when holding a cigarette. their taste has progressed from 'horrible' to 'tolerable' for me
today i have work and class, i have to take notes for deaf people
my evolutionary psychology professor calls all living creatures 'critters,' including humans. he has a desert tortoise named 'yortiss' (or 'yortoise,' i don't know). tomorrow is charles darwin's 200th birthday so he is bringing us a cake. i have urges to hug him during lecture. i think he is a good dad, if he has kids
the more busy my life is, the less interesting thoughts i have, i think
i tried reading tom robbins the other day but i
can't anymore. he is irritating. i think he looks at himself in the mirror for a long time after masturbating. i have a tom robbins tattoo of the cover of 'still life with woodpecker.' i don't want to talk about it
2.14.09
i'm at the computer lab and this window says 'blogger.' people might be reading over my shoulder and perceiving me as 'blogging loser'
i wonder if they're going to tell ghost stories about social networking websites someday, like someone will find out the 'groups' part of their facebook profile was haunted
usually when i start craving cigarettes i stop smoking but today i bought another pack instead
i sat in starbucks today and studied for my evolutionary psychology exam. the man sitting next to me had long grey hair and many bags. there was an 87% chance he was homeless. as we sat next to each other both 'everybody hurts' by r.e.m. and 'somewhere over the rainbow' played and i knew we wouldn't say anything to each other and both of us have parents somewhere
i like the idea of early humans developing upright posture in the grasslands of africa. i like imagining people bent over, barely making noise, surrounded by very tall grass. sometimes a human head would appear above the grass and over thousands of years the heads grew taller and taller until everyone's spines were finally as straight as they would ever become
what is 'being in love,' are the feelings present when i feel like i am 'in love' of the same quality and quantity that other people feel when they feel like they are 'in love?' if i was never told there was something i needed called 'love' would i feel like i need to have it?
2.16.09
when i showed the man at the liquor store my ID he said 'shit girl, i don't wanna see that, just gimme the money,' and i laughed a little and handed him my credit card
there were three black teenagers sitting in the bed of a truck i followed on my way home. at a red light i made eye contact with one of them and grinned, then pretended to look for something on the floor of my car. when i looked up again all three of them were looking at me and waving. i smiled and waved vigorously at them. we continued smiling and waving for one and a half traffic lights
