by Megan Boyle
miranda july is using her compact mirror to highlight things in the department store
i think she is about to get rejected by the shoe salesman guy
she is talking to him now and i feel nervous for her even though i've seen this movie over ten times
i just ordered sushi and picked it up. on the way i got vodka and cigarettes. the people at the convenience store by my apartment might think i'm an alcoholic. i thought 'control your eyes, asshole' when i talked to them. i only ate half the sushi because swallowing hurts my stomach/throat
today i got drinks with two people i liked from my poetry class last semester
before we got drinks they took turns talking to me on the phone. one guy asked if i was still pretty. i said 'no,' then he passed the phone to the other guy who said something and i said 'what?' then he said it again and i still didn't understand but i said 'oh, haha, yeah pretty much'
this morning i saw one of the guys in the hallway
he was telling a story to someone and i didn't want to interrupt them
i said 'hey duane, is that you'
he said 'megan, hey i thought that was you'
i said 'you look taller' and he said 'did you get taller?' at the same time
we laughed and made gestures that indicated 'whoaaaaaaa'
i walked away and he continued telling his story to the person he was talking to
over the course of the afternoon i drank two bottled beers, two 16-ounce cans of beer, two shots, and one vodka tonic
somehow we found free pizza
the free pizza was surrounded by tents and student government signs
i ate three slices that tasted good but made my stomach hurt kind of intensely
we sat outdoors at a sports bar and people we knew sometimes sat at our table and talked to us
my poetry class friends left for their night classes
i stayed and sat across from one of their friends and felt worried about sustaining a conversation long enough to finish two beers
then it was okay, he was easy to talk to
we talked about barack obama and potheads for a long time
i was really animated and saying things
then we talked about growing up and how everyone he knew had sex in middle school
i said i didn't get kissed until high school but he seemed more interested in talking about middle school sex
after we finished our drinks we peed separately and left the bar together
we walked for six blocks
a girl we both like showed up on a bike
she has yellow hair
we talked about something
i was drunk
she told me a mutual acquaintance was romantically interested in me
i imagined going on a date with him, scavenging for common interests, kissing or having sex just to feel another person up close, repeating that a few times, maybe having a minor argument and gradually phasing out his phone calls
i tried to make my face convey the opposite of those thoughts
then i felt like i didn't want to date or talk to any person again ever, but knew i would only feel that briefly
the bike friend left on her bike and i walked with the middle school sex guy until my cross street
i didn't know if he wanted me to come with him or not so i just left
i listened to my ipod and started to cry a little, but for no real reason
i wanted to cry more than i was able to at the time
i walked upstairs to my apartment and threw up even though i didn't feel drunk enough to throw up, just really bizarrely nauseated or heart burn or something. there was stuff that looked like blood in the vomit. think i should feel worried
9.10.09
i vomited blood when i was drunk and thought 'maybe the alcohol in my stomach just turned this color somehow, maybe.' before i threw up i walked to pick up sushi and my stomach hurt intensely. it hurt to swallow the sushi. it hurt to vomit the sushi. the next morning it just felt like i vomited the night before. when i made myself eat food around 6PM i felt crippling stomach pain. for some reason i had to go to my dad's office and it was hard to drive. i told my dad what was happening. he had bleeding ulcers when he was my age. he drove me to the emergency room where we sat from 8PM until 4AM. then a really attractive doctor put his finger up my asshole and told me things. a nurse approached my bed and said 'listen, you can scream all you want but please don't hit me.' i said 'what is going on, what are you going to do?' she said she was going to insert a tube down my nose into my stomach. i said 'okay, i won't hit you, i know you're just doing your job.' she brought the tube and cup of water to my bed and said 'okay hon, just swallow, swallow swallow swallow, okay sweetie.' it wasn't as bad as she made it sound. i was just really quiet and tried to be nice to her while she did it. the machine monitoring my pulse made frantic, loud beeping noises. another nurse walked in and didn't look at me. she said something to the first nurse like 'why didn't you tell me you were doing a [whatever this procedure is called]? i would've helped you.' she held the hose above my face and didn't make eye contact with me. my dad walked in the room and looked at me sadly and started rubbing circles on my calf under the sheet. i said 'dad you don't have to do that, you can sit down, it's okay.' the tube moved up and down behind my nose. talking made my eyes water. the nurse's friend left and the nurse injected water into the tube and filled my stomach with water. the water felt cold in my nose and throat and stomach. i stared at a poster showing everything there is to see about the insides of ears and tried not to swallow because i'd feel the tube. the nurse turned on a machine to suck the water and everything else out of my stomach. she said 'this is going to take about ten minutes, here is the remote if you want to watch TV, volume is here, just press this button to change channels.' i said 'okay, thank you' and then it was just me and my dad in the room. he didn't say anything, but looked at me sometimes. i turned on the TV and changed channels without staying on any channel for more than a few seconds. every time i inhaled the tube moved up and every time i swallowed it moved down. i stopped on a channel showing an infomercial for the 'slap chop.' my dad and i looked at the TV. i could see pieces of brown and red and yellow stuff in the tube
9.16.09
i'm at the computer lab trying to make the blogger screen appear small so people won't know i have a blog that i update at computer labs sometimes
i recognize behaviors and patterns that make me feel depressed but then i almost don't care enough to change them or something
i thought about that in class as my professor talked about 'the iliad'
i'm avoiding all people
i don't like explaining to people that i have an ulcer and can't eat normal things for awhile, i don't like the faces they make in reaction
i haven't wanted a romantic relationship for a long time now, but recently i've been thinking how nice it would be to have one person to rub my head and tell me things are okay and make me laugh
i keep wanting to daydream about someone but there is no one
the other night i saw a movie by myself after class
the night before that someone held my face very hard and kissed me
the nights before that night i won't remember in five years, maybe one
it seems impossible that there is no greater number than infinity
shouldn't numbers turn into something else at some point
the guy next to me is typing expressively
seems like he's looking for attention
he has a huge red jug of water, like something a family would bring to a sporting event
in ten hours we'll both be in other places and the computer lab will be dark and quiet
in 50 years our children will have families
10.12.09
last night i asked my mom if i could come over and she said yes. she had pot roast leftovers. she watched me eat from the other side of the room. she looked uncomfortable. we talked about feeling bad and how relationships c
an be disappointing
after a short period of quiet she said 'oh, i know! let's watch 'away we go,' it's so cute and funny'
i said that sounded good and we moved to her bedroom and ordered it from her TV
during the movie i kept thinking 'dave eggers dave eggers dave eggers white person quirky white people white people liberal meaningful liberal dave eggers white meaningful quirky'
near the end of the movie there was an image of a piece of fruit which would've seemed poignant if it wasn't so obviously trying to be subtle and poignant
my mom said 'did you see the orange? the orange on the tree?'
i said 'yeah'
a few minutes later 'garden state'-like acoustic guitar music played and the main characters looked like they wanted to display 'deep human realness' or 'profound connectivity' and the credits started
my mom said 'who did the music for this, meggie?'
i said 'i don't know. some guy who wants to sound like nick drake'
she said 'i don't know who nick drake is'
i said 'he's this guy. i don't know. i didn't like the music. it was okay, the movie was okay. i couldn't stop thinking about how dave eggers-y it was'
she said 'is he who wrote it? i didn't know he wrote it. he's the guy that guy told us about, the mcsander's guy'
i said 'mcsweeney's'
she nodded exaggeratedly and said 'ah yes, mcdonald's' and we grinned at each other and i said 'yeah, mcdonalds'
a few minutes later i was ranting about not liking the movie. my mom made comments i only listened to enough to keep ranting. i realized what i was doing and hated myself and said 'i feel so retarded, i'm sorry, i'm sorry i just trashed the movie really hard and didn't listen to you, i feel bad, why can't i just like this movie, it's not like it was out to get me or something, i'm sorry'
she looked at the wall and appeared lost in thought and said it was okay in a sad voice
i stood and started walking and then i was in the kitchen. i opened the pantry door and then the refrigerator door without knowing why or seeing what was inside and felt myself starting to cry and thought 'why are you doing this'
10.19.09
i just ate half a xanax and i'm going to watch things on hulu.com until i fall asleep
at 3AM i will wake with my mouth open and probably want to eat a cookie
i didn't do anything for my birthday, it was just a day
my behavior has been slightly histrionic lately
i talk to myself out loud as if i'm updating a friend i haven't seen for two months
i say things like 'well, i don't know, i guess i've been kind of depressed, sort of a lot actually, i just don't like it here and i feel disconnected from everyone and...'
it's really embarrassing, i think
sometimes after i park my car i sit and listen to myself cry and feel like a richard yates character
lately i kind of feel like a richard yates character all of the time
like when i eat xanax and fall asleep on the couch and wake with my mouth open
or at work when i half-jokingly over-share thoughts about loneliness
then laugh to show everyone 'it's okay, really, look how well-adjusted i can be, i can still laugh'
while thinking 'i am a fucking richard yates character, when i am older this will not be 'cute''
10.26.09
what xanax makes me feel like
sort of like the few minutes before falling asleep, but if i was fully conscious during those minutes
everything is neutral and on the same level
i don't feel nervous about anything
sort of like being in a bathtub, my brain gets put in a bathtub
everything seems equal, i don't know, i keep having that thought
when i try to think about things that have made me feel bad in the past i just think 'those things are okay now'
it feels sort of like being slowly fucked in oppressive heat
where the goal of sex is to distract each other with your genitals, not necessarily have orgasms
you just look at each other and forget what you're doing but you keep doing it
it feels like watching cooking shows all day on a saturday and having that be your entire life's purpose
sort of
there are better ways to describe it
i wouldn't want to attempt to read 'swann's way' while feeling like this
one time i went to whole foods and bought two different kinds of lettuce while on xanax
i bought something else too
11.02.09
elevated self-esteem as a result of alcohol consumption
i want to go to the gym
and pretend the weight machines are drums
and play the longest drum solo on them
everyone will stop working out
to look at me
gradually, a crowd will gather
people will nod their heads
and whisper to each other
'what is she doing?'
'i don't know, but i like it'
11.12.09
yesterday i laid in bed watching TV on the internet while mentally debating the pros and cons of taking a xanax and staring at my ceiling instead of my computer. i continued to stare at my computer, xanax-free
then i got a text message saying 'do you want to get coffee now or a beer at 10:30'
i responded to the text and watched a shitty movie and 'it's always sunny in philadelphia' until i started feeling embarrassed for existing
then i talked to my best friend for a long time. she lives in st. paul, minnesota. she is a school bus driver
then my other friend called me to say she was having a threesome this weekend. i tried not to picture her having a threesome but i definitely pictured her having a threesome
then i felt scared about not having enough time to make myself look attractive for the person i was getting a beer with at 10:30
we said we'd meet at this bar near my apartment that feels like it belongs in a david lynch movie. it's well-lit and sort of in a basement. the same 'grandma or older aunt who enjoys craft shows but also drinks beer and wears football jerseys and yells at the television in the privacy of her living room' bartender is always there
last night i didn't immediately see the person i was meeting so i went outside to look for him. then i got a text message saying 'i saw you but you didn't see me' and went inside again. someone had played really hard, fast, loud, death metal-like music on the jukebox. eight people were there but it seemed like less. it was weird. i couldn't breathe through my nose very well
i sat across from the person i was meeting and asked if the jacket on the table behind us was his. he said it was. he said the bartender told him to sit here because this table is where couples go to have awkward conversations
i believed him because the last time we were here we sat near that table and eavesdropped on another couple's awkward conversation. i felt interested in the bartender and him and the entire situation. then he said he was joking. i still stayed interested
11.25.09
i've been having regular sex with this guy
he hits my cats on their heads and they look insulted
a few nights ago we looked at some website where you can see pictures of all of the registered sex offenders in your neighborhood
we looked at the website for at least 15 minutes while waiting for our chinese food to arrive
some sex offenders looked indifferent about people seeing them and thinking 'that's what a sex offender looks like'
some sex offenders looked remorseful and slightly insane
one sex offender was white and wearing a suit, he liked child pornography
my cat is always looking at me like i am forgetting something crucial and he depends on it
the guy i've been having sex with said 'i don't see how you can tolerate him always looking at you like that'
this morning i hit my cat on the head with a chinese take-out box he
dug out of the trash
he looked sad
11.27.09
my family on thanksgiving and most holidays
everyone obsessively worries about how their actions and words will be interpreted by anyone listening. sometimes we forget to worry and make jabs at each other. immediately after making a jab, the jab-maker will half-exhale half-laugh. a short collective group silence will follow, during which everyone independently worries about the jab-maker's intended tone or hidden meaning, if the jab provokes them, if they need to say anything to make anyone feel better, and how much time needs to pass before we silently and unanimously agree that a new moment is ready to happen
my dad will say very few things in a voice two times deeper than his normal voice. he will direct vaguely antagonistic observations to my mom about how she worries about everything. she will jokingly agree with him in an attempt to avoid future criticism, then make it obvious that she is now willfully shifting her focus to a physical task. i see myself exhibiting behavior like this a lot
my dad will ask me questions and agree with most things i say. sometimes he will spontaneously 'take the floor' to talk about something he's reading or 'reality' or some kind of new age or spiritual topic or something. when he does this he will usually talk for at least two minutes without stopping, looking mostly at me and sometimes my mom. after he finishes talking he will seem unsure of everything he said until someone responds to him
my mom will talk whenever the room becomes too quiet. she will look at points in the distance and say directionless, sometimes stream-of-conscious-like thoughts. before dinner she will walk around a lot. sometimes she will walk somewhere then stop to say 'why did i walk here?' she bumps into things. so does my dad. so do i. everyone in my family bumps into things
someone will inevitably tell a story which climaxes with them crying a little. my dad, if he cries, will say 'oh dear, why am i doing this' and i will feel equally endeared and embarrassed. most of his stories are interesting but he repeats a lot of them and acts defensive if someone reminds him. there is a running joke about my mom feeling 'oddly moved' by things. my mom seems to frequently feel 'oddly moved' by small encounters with people or books or newspaper articles. when she reaches the point of a story where she cries, she will say 'oh here i am, 'oddly moved' again' and laugh. she is a volunteer at the aquarium and tells detailed stories about fish. they are kind of boring stories
