Familiar Ground

by Michelle Lynn

  “May I go first?” I turn to Adam who nods and then back to Shane. “How were you and Cassi able to have Dani and keep her?” It’s a question that’s been on my mind since I first saw Dani. Shane used any and every angle he could with me so I’d give him money. Dani would have been the PIN to my bank account.

  “I met Cassi almost immediately after you kicked me out. Being the screw-ups we were, protection wasn’t ever considered. She got pregnant about a month after we got together. We weren’t that into the street drugs at the time, more prescription meds. Cassi actually went to NA and tried to get clean while pregnant. We were holding up well for a short period, but things turned south pretty quickly when Dani was probably three months old. Being new parents was stressful. Dani went through withdrawal from the Methadone. After that she probably wasn’t any worse than any other baby, but Cassi and I just couldn’t cope…so we did what always did when life got too stressful. Both of us knew if our families found out about Dani, they would take her from us. We agreed no matter what we wouldn’t tell you or Adam.” I can hear the shame in his voice as his eyes jump back and forth between Adam and I.

  “If you were both getting high, how on earth were you able to take care of her?” Adam chimes in with his own questions and Shane turns focus to him.

  “If you want the truth, there were times we probably didn’t care for her like we should’ve.” Adam’s hand squeezes mine so hard, I’m pretty sure my fingertips will soon turn purple. “Dani changed me a little. Did I use? Hell yes. I’d wait until she went to bed, or if I was alone for a few hours. I’m not saying it was right, but it’s what I did. Cassi had a rougher time refraining when Dani was around. By the end, Cassi wasn’t around Dani and I all that much,” the regret layered in Shane’s eyes can’t be missed, even by Adam.

  “Shane has a very important thing to tell you both. We can always discuss more questions after.” Jim interrupts, and we sit in silence for a few moments. “I’m glad you are both here to hear this. I live with this in my head every night, and I can’t imagine having to re-tell the story again.” Shane closes his eyes, and winces from the torment of the scene unfolding in his mind before he reveals it to us. I grab Adam’s hand, and he squeezes it in response. It’s as if we’re about to jump off a cliff, things will never be the same after hearing this story. It could seal the fate of Adam hating Shane forever.

  “We were at a friend’s house. It wasn’t a party, just a few of us. Cassi had been there the whole day, she’d dropped Dani off with a friend of ours, Jimmy.”

  Adam’s hand goes limp and cold in my hand. I squeeze it back to life. I’ve heard about Jimmy before, but never knew the connection. Adam knows Jimmy. Shane knows Jimmy, but Adam and Shane never knew each other?

  “I had taken a job that day because we needed some money to pay our landlord, so I had gone to one of those day work places where contractors come and grab a couple guys for a day’s work. By the time I returned back to the house, Cassi was already higher than high. My friend told me she had been partying all day. I suspected that she had started using heroine a couple days before. You two might not know this, but we were usually only crack heads. I tried to confront her when I saw the markings on her arm that morning, but she adamantly denied it. I didn’t believe her, though, and my friend confirmed it that night at the party. I was so pissed at her for taking Dani and dropping her off again at that piece of shit Jimmy’s. The same guy who was probably supplying her with the shit.”

  Shane opens and closes his eyes. Adam inches closer to me on the sofa, so that our legs are pressed against one another and our hands are intertwined in his lap.

  “I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her from the table into a back room. I told her I was done with all this shit, and we needed to get cleaned up for Dani. She was so high I wonder if she even knew who was standing in front of her, but then she slapped me across the face. It pissed me off, and I started screaming at her, asking her why the fuck she’s being so crazy. She told me I had turned lame lately and I never wanted to party anymore. We screamed back and forth for a couple minutes until some guy walked into the room to see what was going on. He wasn’t one of our friends—well—he wasn’t one of mine. I told him to get the fuck out, but she told him to stay. I was speechless. That is until I put two and two together and realized she was screwing the guy.”

  Adam’s body is rod iron straight, and I’m unsure if he can take any more. I rub my thumb up and down the back of his hand to assure him I’m here for him. He looks at me, and I see the glassy stare of his dark eyes. His pain is as deep as Shane’s and my own. In some twisted way we are one big dysfunctional family.

  “Cassi confirmed my revelation by kissing the guy when he walked over to her, and my heart broke in a million pieces. I tried to argue and reason with her, but she was so high she ignored me. I decided that I would leave her for the night and come back tomorrow, and we’d work it out. So I left and went to pick-up Dani.”

  “I got to Jimmy’s and rang the doorbell. When one of his thugs answered the door, they made me stay outside. Jimmy finally appeared and told me he wouldn’t give me Dani until I paid back Cassi’s loan. I was clueless to what he was talking about. Yeah, we used and there were times we owed Jimmy, but as of then I had no knowledge of us owing him any money. He said she’d been coming to him for weeks, complaining she had no money, and since they were friends, he let her slide. When she dropped Dani off he told her he was keeping her until the debt was paid in full.”

  “Asshole,” Adam mumbles under his breath.

  “That’s right, you know him?” Shane questions Adam.

  “Yeah, we went to high school together,” he says, still shaking his head in disbelief.

  “I didn’t know what I was going to do. I pleaded with him, but he was inflexible, and there were all these other guys swarmed around him, and I couldn’t see Dani anywhere. So, I drove back to my friend’s house, thinking I could get the money from them, but now I don’t know what I was thinking, since they were all drug addicts. They probably didn’t have twenty bucks between them. When I got there, most of my friends were gone, and the house was filled with people I’d never seen before.”

  Shane drags his hand through his hair, bringing both hands over his face and tears began to fall down his face.

  “I went in and couldn’t find Cassi anywhere. I thought maybe she had left with that guy or, hopefully, our friends. But, when I checked the last bedroom, she was passed out on the mattress. The room was completely bare except the mattress on the floor and a dresser against one wall. She was faced down and…” He swallows hard, and I’m fighting the urge to run over and hug him. “I rushed over to her and shook her, but she just slumped back to her original position.”

  Adam releases my hand, but I quickly grab it back, and he looks over at me. Tears overflowing both our eyes, concluding what Shane is about to tell us next.

  “I rolled her over and saw instantly. She was cold, and her lips were a light blue. I grabbed her wrist to feel for a pulse…there was nothing.” Tears run in a constant stream down Shane’s face, and he closes his eyes before raising his head to look directly at Adam.

  “She was dead, but I couldn’t accept it. I called 911 and tried to revitalize her with what the little CPR I know, but nothing. When the sirens screeched closer, everyone that was left scattered from the house. The paramedics did everything they could, but it was too late.”

  Adam wipes the tears from his eyes with his other hand, and Jim passes around the box of Kleenex. How can he be so calm? He’s must of heard worse, which is scary as hell to me. My feet move without debating. I rush over and wrap my arms around Shane. He hugs me hard and tight while sobbing in my neck. “I’m so sorry. I should have been there. I’m so fucking sorry,” he murmurs in my ear. I move my hands up and down his back, trying to comfort him.

  After Shane calms down a bit, I sit back down next to Adam and hug him as well. As we hold each other close, he whispers, “This shit su
cks, thank God you’re here.”

  “I know. I’m sorry,” I say softly back before forcing myself to let go of Adam.

  “Shane, how did you get Dani back?” I ask, taking Adam’s hand in mine again.

  “After I went to the hospital and met Adam at the morgue. I went back to Jimmy’s. I had to play the friendship card and hope, since her mom just died, he’d have sympathy and release Dani to me. Thankfully, it worked, and he did. When I gave him the news, his face fell, and he just called out to one of his guys to bring Dani up.”

  “Shane, I’m sure it was hard for you to tell that story—thank you. It does bring some closure to me.” Adam turns and looks at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen. “I have to go get some air—I need to be by myself—I hope you understand.”

  “Of course, Adam,” I say. Then I watch his back as he rushes out of the room.

  I can’t escape that claustrophobic pity filled room fast enough. The last thing I want is to lose it right in front of Leah. It’s bad enough she saw the tears pooling in my eyes; her sympathy for me clear as day. Her warmth felt so damn good, I could have allowed her to comfort me all day. But, I’m here to support her, not the other way around. Pushing the double doors open, relief hits me when I suck in the fresh air, allowing it to open my constricted lungs. Slipping down into a crouching position, I take a few more deep breaths, willing the torn feelings to decide between wanting to beat the shit of someone and curling up in the fetal position to cry like a toddler who just lost his favorite toy. I take a few moments to wallow in my despair before standing up to take a walk around the grounds

  Following the path that goes through the woods, I glance back to the doors of hell and decide I’m through. A million thoughts stream through my mind. The desire to kill Jimmy, but at the same time thank him for giving Dani back to Shane battle each other for dominance. I want to beat the shit out of Shane, but thank him for taking care of Dani. I want to burn down that drug house and hunt that bastard down that Cassi cheated on Shane with because he probably left her there to die alone. None of it matters, though. Jesus, why did Cassi always have to be so fucking stubborn? She did this to herself. She was a drug addict way before Shane came into her life, and I have to remember that. But hearing the story of her death brings all the guilt back. Every time she came to me, I should have tried harder to get through to her. I shouldn’t have given her money. The blame could just as easily be pointed to me, as well. I enabled her life style each time I placed the currency in her hands.

  I sit down on a bench surrounded by trees, remembering the first time Cassi did drugs. I should have stopped her, what the hell was I thinking to let her try it? You were thinking she would smoke some pot and that would be that, not that she would end her life overdosing on heroine six years later. Stop rationalizing, Adam, you gave her the first taste!

  Putting my head in my hands, tears freely fall and for the first time, I weep for my sister. Once I take one brick from my well-built wall guarding my emotions, they become uncontrollable, free falling one by one. I sit alone on the park bench and grieve for the sister I lost, for Dani who will never know her mother, and for my parents who lost their daughter. Images from Cassi at the morgue, her wake, and her casket going into the ground run like a repetitive video reel through my memory, increasing the tears cascading down my cheeks. It all happened so fast I didn’t think it was real. Although the Cassi I had known was gone long before she died, hearing how she took her final breath finally made it a reality.

  I’m not sure how long I’ve been on the park bench, but I quickly glance at my watch and realize I need to get my shit together and make my way back to Leah and Dani. I wipe my eyes with my sleeves and start my walk back up the gravel pathway when I spot Jim coming towards me from the building.

  “Adam, I just wanted to check on you,” he says, holding out a small tissue pack.

  “Thank you, Jim. I was just heading back.”

  “Do you mind if we sit for a while? I left Leah and Shane alone to talk some things out.” He motions for me to the bench I had just released all my grief on. I’d be happy to never see that bench again.

  “Sure.” I shove both my hands in my pockets and follow him over.

  We take a seat on the bench, which I assume is to give Shane and Leah some time alone, but I guess Jim has another agenda in mind.

  “Hard to hear it?” he asks, facing forward, staring out into the woods.

  “Yeah,” I softly say and nod my head in agreement.

  “I know it is, but it is healing you. As much as you don’t realize it now, hearing what happened to Cassi will bring closure to you.”

  “I don’t feel closure, I feel angry.” My voice rising to higher decibels..

  “Probably a little sad, too, am I right?”

  When did I sign up for this therapy session?

  I nod again.

  “Grateful for Dani that nothing happened to her?”

  I nod.

  “It’s a conflict of emotions, and not a lot of time has passed, Adam. I know you weren’t originally going to come, but I’m glad you did. I think this will help you start the process.”

  “Process of what?” I ask, completely annoyed at this impromptu fix Adam session.

  “Forgiving Cassi. You might not realize it now, but you’re most likely mad at her. They were her decisions; she made them, they weren’t forced upon her.”

  “There are a lot of people I’m pissed at right about now,” I say.

  “Adam, if you take anything away from this weekend, I want you to remember to forgive. Unfortunately, Cassi’s life is over, and everything and everyone that lead up to the point that Cassi died can’t be undone. You have to learn to forgive yourself and Cassi.” He places his hand on my arm.

  “I don’t know if I can do that.” I rub my hands over my face and through my hair.

  “This weekend will be good for you. Trust me.” He turns his body to face me.

  “I don’t know if I’ll be back tomorrow, don’t count on it,” I admit.

  “Steps, Adam, steps.” He stands up. “Let’s head back up.”

  We take the gravel path that leads up to the main building.

  “So, what’s going on with you and Leah?” He questions, and I’m thrown off.

  “Um—nothing. We’re taking care of Dani together while Shane is here, hopefully getting himself healthy again.” I’m not about to tell him my real feelings for Leah. I think we’ve had enough Adam 101 today.

  “It’s a nice support system you both have. Leah was worried about you when you left. She wanted to come after you. I told her you needed space,” Jim says, smiling over at me.

  She was worried about me? Great, I’m supposed to be helping her while we’re here, and she was going to come running after me. Final straw, Adam, get your shit together if you’re going to make it through this weekend.

  By the time we meet up with Adam and venture down the hallway to pick-up Dani, I can add emotionally drained to my physical exhaustion. The thought of having two more days of this is excruciating. Hearing about Cassi tore me up, and having Adam next to me made it more intense. I felt every emotion running through him by the way he squeezed my hand during Shane’s unveiling of that evening. He probably hates my brother. Although, I can’t blame Adam; Shane left her there to die, even though it was unintentional.

  Adam’s done so much to help me this trip. I want to be there for him now, because he needs someone in his corner. When he reappeared with Jim, he was different, more distant and reserved. He wore no smile, and he didn’t make his usual jokes. We said good-bye to Shane and got in the car. I glance over at Adam driving, and my heart hurts for his. I have imagined myself in his position so many times with Shane, but the reality of it happening is completely different. I’m unsure of what to say, I not only still have my brother, but he’s part of the nightmare that will forever scar Adam.

  The minute we get in the car, Dani starts begging us to let her swim. This is the f
irst time I’ve seen Adam be so closed off when it comes to Dani.

  “Please, Uncle Adam,” Dani pleads from the backseat.

  “Tomorrow, Dani, I promise.” He’s straight faced forward, doesn’t even turn into her direction.

  “Okay,” Dani sighs dejectedly, sulking into her car seat.

  “I’ll take you, Dani. After we eat we can go down there,” I say. I figure I’ll pick up the responsibility. Give him the time he needs to recoup after today.

  Adam looks over at me and then drops a bombshell I never expected.

  “I think I need to go home, Leah,” he whispers to me in the front seat.

  “No! Why?” I screech and then quiet my voice back down.

  “I need some time, some space. I can’t be here and act like everything is fine when I’m so angry I could haul off and hit anyone for looking at me the wrong way.”

  “I know how hard it must be.” I place my hand on his hand that’s resting on the steering wheel.

  “No, you don’t. Your brother is still here.” His voice mean and hateful.

  “Okay, I don’t really know, but I can empathize. Let me be there for you, like you’ve been for me. Come swimming with Dani and me. We’ll have fun, and you can forget all this for a while,” I suggest.

  “Jesus, Leah, listen to yourself. Let me spend some time with you and Dani and forget that my sister died alone in some crack house and left her daughter with a drug dealer? Give me a damn break. What demented world do you live in?” His fingers wrap around the steering wheel tight as his eyes focus forward.

  “Sorry,” I whisper and remove my hand from over his. I twist and turn my hands together, picking at my cuticles.

  From the corner of my eye, I see him glance over at me and then his hand grabs mine and links them together in my lap.

  “Sorry, Leah, this is why I have to leave. I don’t want to be an asshole to you. It’s not your fault your brother is alive and my sister isn’t. There’s just all this shit overflowing my brain.”