by Hart, Alana
"Ellie! Did you hear about Cade Parker? Did you listen to the interview?"
There was a flash of light from outside. The reporter was taking photos of our trailer. As soon as Jacob saw her he rushed outside, yelling at her to get off our property. He was pretty tall by then, just about six foot. Marcia Stevens did not need to be asked twice. When he got back in, he looked at me expectantly.
"Well? Did you hear it?"
"No! Jacob, no I have not heard the interview. That's what that woman was asking me about. What the hell is going on? What did he say?"
Jacob handed me his phone.
"Press play."
I sat down on the sofa and pressed play. Cade didn't sound drunk at all. He sounded wistful and slightly sad. When the interview finished, I looked up at Jacob as my mind spun with confusion.
"Holy shit."
"He said he loves you, Ellie."
"Yeah, he did say he loves me. It's easy to say things, Jacob. Sometimes it's a lot easier to say something than do something, you know?"
Who was I trying to convince? Jacob, or myself? I'd never known Cade to be a liar. I also couldn't think of any reason he would say any of the things he'd said in the interview if they weren't true. Jacob was staring at me, obviously expecting me to say something.
"What? I only just heard the interview. I don't know what to say."
Jacob was quiet for a few moments before continuing in a gentle voice.
"Maybe you should tell him about Christopher."
I leaned forward and put my head in my hands, a futile gesture to try and organize the thoughts racing around inside it.
"Maybe I should. It's not like it's my plan to never tell him. It just - it's never seemed like the right time. I know you keep track of Cade's career online, so you know as well as I do that things have been really rough for him for a while now."
"Yeah, they've seemed rough ever since he saw you that last time, before Christopher was born."
Jacob was still talking in that slow, gentle voice. I looked up at him and caught his eye.
"I'm so proud of you, Jakey."
"Why?"
"Because you're pretty perceptive for a seventeen year old boy, that's why."
He rolled his eyes, embarrassed.
"Ellie, think about it. He knows he fucked it up. If he's been in love with you this whole time, doesn't everything kind of...make sense?"
"I don't know. Maybe it does. I'm not sure loving someone gives you an excuse to treat them badly, though."
"Yeah, it doesn't. But men are stupid, Ellie. I haven't spoken to Emily for five days, but it isn't because I don't care. It's because I do."
Emily was Jacob's girlfriend - at least his sometimes-girlfriend. He'd mentioned something about having a fight with her recently.
"Yeah, I said something dumb to her when we had a fight. All I want to do is call her, see her again. But it just feels like...I dunno, it feels like giving in. Like losing."
"Jacob, women are stupid like that, too. No one wants to get hurt. We all want the other person to call us first, even when we're the ones who did something stupid."
"Maybe I should call her."
"You should. I mean, if you're the one who screwed up, you should call her and apologize. Tell her you miss her."
"Maybe you should call Cade."
"But I'm not the one who screwed up."
"You love him too, though, right?"
I stood up quickly. "Damn, Jacob! Can you give me a few minutes to absorb all this before you go all Dr. Phil on me?"
"See, you're getting upset. It's because you do love him."
Smiling, I pointed towards the kitchen. "Get out, troublemaker, we need to make dinner!"
I spent the next few days pre-occupied with thoughts of Cade and the things he'd said in the interview. He'd been released from the hospital with a cast on one leg - the media had a photo of him on crutches, about to get into a large black SUV and looking towards the camera with a hostile look on his face. At work, everyone had heard about the interview and it was difficult for me not to respond to any of the questions people had. It was also difficult to deal with some people's obvious surprise that Cade Parker still had some kind of interest in me - enough to make a public declaration of love. Most of North Falls seemed to view our high school relationship as a slip on his part, a mistake that he corrected the day his parents flew him back to New York to finish high school, almost ten years previously.
Ten years. In some ways, it felt like yesterday. In other ways, it felt like a hundred years, a lifetime ago. Christopher was in kindergarten, old enough to have asked me a few questions about his dad, the answers to which I'd kept deliberately vague. It eventually dawned on me that I wasn't going to be able to keep it from him forever. Even if I tried, someone was going to say something to him, probably sooner rather than later given the recent media kerfuffle over Cade's interview and the car accident. And if I was going to tell Christopher, I also had to tell Cade. It wasn't about me, it was about my son and making sure he found out the truth in as gentle a way as possible, from people who loved him.
I went online and bought a cheap ticket to Los Angeles. There wasn't enough money to buy one for Christopher as well. I knew just showing up with him wasn't a good idea anyway. I had to tell Cade first, face-to-face, so he had time to think about how he wanted to handle things. Or if he wanted to handle them.
A couple of weeks after Cade's interview, I landed in Los Angeles and stepped outside into the bright California sunshine with a belly full of nervous butterflies.
Chapter 20: Cade
Everyone walked on eggshells around me for weeks after the accident, scared the setback was going to send me running back to the nightclubs and women and darkness of the past few years. Funnily enough, I didn't even consider it. The break in my leg was bad, but it was fixable. Even the rumors about a DUI didn't bother me - I knew I was sober that night, and I knew when the results came out they would confirm it. Jess came over on the day they were released to the media with a big bouquet of flowers in her arms.
"Jesus, Jess, I don't even think I have anywhere to put those."
"You don't have flower vases?"
I looked at her for a few seconds and she started laughing.
"Of course, what was I thinking. Well, do you have, um, well we could put them in glasses?"
We spent a good twenty minutes putting flowers in glass tumblers and placing them at various points around the house.
"It looks like someone died. Or had a baby."
"Shut up, Cade." She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a hug. "I'm so happy that DUI thing is cleared up. I knew it was bullshit, but the media loves their drama. How's your leg?"
I looked down at my broken limb, encased in a hard, high-tech looking cast.
"It's fine. Doesn't hurt at all. It fucking itches like crazy, though."
Jess took a step back and looked me up and down.
"You look...you look good, Cade."
"I know."
"Asshole. I mean it. You look different. I can't put my finger on it, you just seem lighter somehow. Who knew breaking your leg would have such a positive effect?"
We grabbed a couple of beers and headed out onto the balcony that overlooked the city. The sun was just setting.
"It's not the leg, Jess."
She took a sip of beer and looked at me. "I know. It was the interview. Telling the truth. That was ballsy, Cade. I hope you haven't gotten too much shit for it."
"Ha! Everyone is being really, really nice to me. They're all afraid I'm gonna turn back into a party animal and fuck my career for good."
Jess gave me a look.
"I'm not going to do that, by the way."
"Good," she smiled.
We sat out on the balcony until the sun set completely and the city lights twinkled into life beneath us - my favorite view of Los Angeles. Beautiful, but removed. When Jess left, she gave me another hug.
"Are you going to try and
contact Ellie? I bet she heard the interview."
"Honestly? I don't know. I was thinking of sending her a letter and explaining myself in more detail. She deserves that. But just showing up at her front door like I did last time would be too much. She probably doesn't ever want to see me again."
"Oh, I don't know about that, Cade."
It was my turn to give Jess a look.
"Oh, come on. This girl loved you at some point, right? I wouldn't be totally surprised if she showed up on your doorstep someday, that's all I'm saying."
Two days later and to my great shock, Ellie Hesketh did show up on my doorstep. Well, almost. I was in the kitchen making scrambled eggs when the buzzer to the front gate, the one at the bottom of my driveway, went off. Not expecting anyone and assuming it was a reporter or someone else I didn't want to talk to, I ignored it. Thirty seconds later it rang again. Annoyed, I turned the stove off and went into the living room to check the security panel that had a video feed to various points around my house. The figure at the gate was blurry but I knew right away it was her. I stared at the screen for a few seconds as my heart started to pound. Then I ran - or hobbled - as fast as I could down the stairs, out the front door and down the steep driveway.
"Oh my God...Ellie."
She was standing on the other side of the wrought-iron gate, peering through the bars at me.
"Hi Cade."
I pressed the button to open the gate and stepped back as it whirred to life. Ellie was as beautiful as ever. Slightly more rounded in a way that had my cock tingling guiltily within seconds, and with longer hair than she'd had the last time I saw her but no less lovely than she had ever been. When the gate was open we just stood there for a few seconds, looking at each other. I wanted to hug her but I stayed where I was, worried about being presumptuous.
"I heard your interview."
That voice. That soft, quiet voice.
"Oh."
I had absolutely no idea what to say or how to handle myself. I opened my mouth to say something else but at first, nothing came out. Why not tell her the truth, too? The whole truth? I stood there in front of her for what felt like a very long time, opening and closing my mouth like a fish before finally managing to croak out a few more words.
"You heard the interview?"
"Yeah, Jacob found it online. And everyone in North Falls knew about it within twenty-four hours."
"I bet."
We both started talking at the same time.
"Ellie, I-"
"Cade-"
"No, Ellie, wait. I have to say this right now. I meant what I said in the interview. I want you to know that. I don't expect you to do anything about it but I want you to know..."
I trailed off, swallowing hard and willing myself to keep going.
"I - Ellie, I want you to know that I love you. I love you. I loved you when we were eighteen. I loved you when I came back to North Falls and acted like a total asshole. And I still love you now. You don't have to do anything about it. I'm not asking for anything."
For a second, I thought she was going to run into my arms. She took a step towards me but then seemed to stop herself.
"Do you want to come inside? How did you find me?"
"Google," she said a little sheepishly, scuffing one of her sandal-clad feet across the ground.
We walked back into the house side by side. We weren't even touching but it was like my body could just feel her there, beside me. I took her outside onto the balcony.
"Do you want something to drink? Soda? A beer?"
She looked up at me, holding her hand up to shield her eyes from the sun. She was so adorable I had to force myself not to stare.
"A beer, if that's OK."
Before I got Ellie her beer, I walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I couldn't believe she was actually there. My face in the mirror was flushed with happiness and nerves.
"Don't screw this up," I said to my reflection, before leaning down over the sink and splashing cold water onto my cheeks to try and calm the redness. Twenty-eight years old and still blushing like a teenager over Ellie Hesketh's mere presence. I got us each a bottle of chilled beer and headed back out to the balcony with a smile so wide it was starting to make my face sore.
"Does it hurt?" She asked, eying my cast when I sat down in a lounge chair next to her.
"Actually, no. It aches a little sometimes, at night, but nothing major. I'm already doing physical therapy, the doctors think I can be back on the ice in less than six months."
"Six months. That sounds like a long time."
The wind coming down from the hills was blowing Ellie's hair around her face, making it maddeningly impossible to get a good look at her. Her skin was very pale and Midwestern, still as smooth and creamy as marble. My hand itched to reach out and touch her cheek.
"Uh, yeah. But I'm already back in the gym. Coach says if I keep it up and don't go back to my old habits, I can probably be back in the first line as soon as next season starts."
Ellie looked at me questioningly, having noticed the slightly defensive tone in my voice.
"I know, Cade. I wasn't doubting you."
"Oh, I know. I'm just - I have a lot to prove. To a lot of different people."
We talked about North Falls for a little while, reminiscing about high school and our walks back from school. She told me Katy Grebling had married an Ice Kings player right after graduation and had three kids by the time she was twenty-three, followed by a divorce, remarriage to a local police officer and another divorce.
"I see her around sometimes. Once, I saw her at the grocery store when I was working, with her kids. They were all really badly behaved. When she saw me she left right away, without buying anything."
"She was embarrassed. Katy Grebling is one of those people who peaked in high school. Fuck her, anyway, for what she did to you."
Ellie sat up and pulled the hair back off her face, turning slightly to the side.
"Look at my nose, it still has a bump on it."
I leaned in, glad to be given the excuse to get closer to her, and examined the line of her nose. There was a slight bump there, but I never would have noticed it if she hadn't brought it up. She still had those dark pink cupid's bow lips. I willed her to turn her head towards me and open those soft lips like she used to, but she turned back to the view.
"I can't even notice it, Ellie."
She smiled. "This is an incredible house, Cade. I can't believe you live here. I bet the city looks beautiful at night - just like it does in the movies."
"Stay here, Ellie. I have a spare room. I have four spare rooms. You can sit out here and watch the lights come out when the sun goes down. I meant what I said, I won't ask you for anything."
She turned to me, then, and locked her dark, fathomless eyes on mine.
"Why?"
"Why? Why what?"
"Why won't you ask me for anything?"
I wasn't sure how to respond. "I, uh, Ellie, I know I hurt you last time we saw each other. I don't want it to be like that this time. I don't want to hurt you ever again."
"You asking me for things isn't what hurt me, Cade."
"I know," I said, bowing my head slightly as I thought about the last time I'd seen her.
A few moments of silence passed. The only sound was the wind and the hem of Ellie's dress flapping against the lounge chair.
"Aren't you going to ask me why I flew out here, Cade? You know I can't afford to take vacations."
I know she didn't intend it, but Ellie's words stung. If only things had been different for us. If only one of her parents had stepped up to care for her brothers. A sharp wave of regret washed over me. I should have done more. I should have tried harder.
"Why did you fly out here?"
"It's a long story. I thought we could spend some together. I wanted to talk to you. I was worried about you."
"You were worried?" I asked, surprised.
"Of course I was worried. Do you think i
t's possible for me to ever not worry about you?"
I couldn't help but smile. "I'm - Ellie, this is going to sound weird, but I'm glad you were worried about me. I thought you hated me."
"No, Cade. I wanted to hate you. I tried. And I'm not saying you didn't make me really angry. But I could never hate you. I'll never not wonder about your life, about how you're doing."
She wasn't looking at me while she spoke. She was looking out over the city and beyond, to the Pacific.
"Is that the ocean?"
"Yes."
"I've never seen the ocean before."
I don't know what the hell had gotten into me but all I knew was that my eyes suddenly welled up with tears at Ellie's comment and I started furiously trying to blink them away. She turned back towards me and caught me.
"What's wrong?" She sat up. "Cade, what the hell? What's wrong?"
I tried to talk but my voice broke and I buried my face in my hands, overwhelmed and embarrassed by the unexpected emotion.
"It's OK. Cade, it's OK."
She reached out and put her little hand on my knee. I looked down at it through my fingers and took a deep breath as I tried to calm down. When I spoke, my voice was shaky.
"Ellie. Things should have been different for us.
"I know," she replied, quietly. "But they weren't. It's not your fault."
I took a chance and put my hand over hers, curling it around her fingers when she didn't push me away.
"I don't know. I should have done more. I should have paid a lawyer to try and get you custody of the boys, or-"
"Cade, don't. It's the past. I couldn't leave them. And you had to be here. It's as simple as that."
"How are they? Your brothers?"
She smiled brightly at the mention of her three siblings.
"Oh my God, you should see Jacob. He's almost six feet tall now. They're all getting straight A's in school, too. I'm so proud of them, and they've all really stepped up to the plate-'
She stopped there, abruptly, and I waited for her to go on but she didn't. I decided to let it go, still conscious about not pushing her in any way.
"Hey, are you doing anything for dinner tonight?"
