“Sounds perfect,” I flash the group a bright smile. “Can I bring anything back for you guys?”
Everyone declines, thankfully, because I have no intention of going to eat. I am still full from the tofu-kale Benedict Marigold forced on me this morning. All I really want is a little privacy to unwrap this piece of paper.
I walk out into the scorching, dry heat and decide I might as well trudge across the street like I said I was going to. I find a bench near the deli, and my phone starts to ring like a sign from above.
Mei.
I know this won’t be a quick conversation, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe all I need to steer my world back to right is a talk with my best friend.
“Mei?” I answer.
“Helloooo long lost best friend! What the hell is going on with you? I haven’t heard from you since the day you got there!” she cries, her hyped-up, sweet voice a balm for my frayed nerves. “I just figured you’d been super busy meeting everyone and spending quality time with them, so I waited as long as I could to bug you. Don’t tell me: you’re in love with all the sunshine and gorgeous people and are never coming home. Don’t make me have to come after you, Beckett, because I so will.”
“I’m coming home. Soon.” I say the words, but they feel flimsy on my tongue. “Sooner than I planned, actually.”
“Hattie? Are you sure you’re alright?”
No. And I am suddenly so damn angry because this is exactly why I didn’t want to get involved with Ryan--or anyone for that matter. Relationships make you doubt yourself. They make you feel unsteady. I can’t feel that way.
“It’s just so hot here,” I say, and I mean to laugh, but the sound that comes from my throat sounds more like a whimper.
Mei must take it as a reaction to the heat, because she sounds super relieved when she says, “Why aren’t you at the beach, girl? What else are you doing with your time?”
“I’m at this bridal shop. My brother--Deo---his best friend is getting married to this sweet girl--Maren--so I’m with her and her sisters-in-law while she tries on gowns.”
“You’re helping her pick out a dress for her wedding? That sounds intense. Are you replacing me?” Mei jokes.
“No. Never. I’m with the group, and they’re so nice, but...I don’t actually know what I’m doing here. It’s all a little sappy for my taste.” I bite my lips and close my eyes, wishing at once to be home right now and to never leave this place that’s gotten under my skin like I never anticipated. “Enough about me. How is your internship.”
“Amazing. Gratifying. Difficult. Wonderful. Many adjectives that we can talk about later, because I can tell something sounds off with you, sweetie.”
“Seriously, Mei. I’m fine.” I don’t even realize I’ve said the “f” word until a few seconds too late.
Mei goes super quiet for a few beats.
“So, did you meet your father?” she asks with a reverent hush.
Mei, the total daddy’s girl, will not be able to understand the crazy paternal figure that is Dante “Bex” Beckett.
“I did,” I say, thinking about how, not so long ago, I thought meeting him was the whole point of this trip.
“And?” She says the word gently, cautiously.
“And he’s kind of a douche. Not a terrible person, but not a super good one either.” I clear my throat. “I thought it would be some big showdown, but it was kind of blah. But it’s fine, because Grandpa and Deo more than make up for my father’s shortcomings.”
“How’s Deo?” Mei asks. “Do you two get along?”
“Deo is... Deo is great. A little overprotective, but so kind and hilarious. I can’t tell you how happy I am that I met him.” I try to think back to life a few weeks ago, when I didn’t even know I had a brother. It’s hard to believe that my brother and I were living separate lives, not knowing each other existed.
It’s hard to imagine that a few weeks ago, my life was devoid of Grandpa, Marigold, and Rocko, my brother and sister-in-law, the crazy Rodriguez clan...and Ryan Byrne.
It’s impossible to wrap my brain around how completely my life has shifted, and, instead of feeling like I gained so many new people to love, I feel fractured and scared to lose them. Knowing them all and their love brings my former loneliness into stark relief.
“He hasn’t had you around all his life, Hat, he’s going to be overprotective. He isn’t going to want to let you go at the end of summer.” Mei sounds sad on my behalf, and her pity puts me on shaky emotional ground. I grind teeth together to halt the tears, but it’s a useless exercise.
I’ve never been a crier, but I’ve cried more here than I have in the last decade of my life put together. What is this all about?
I decide that since I’m bawling like a lunatic anyway, I might as well clue Mei into my biggest problem.
I take a deep breath and just get it out. “You’re right. It’s more than that, though. There’s this guy...”
The squeal on the other end of the line nearly deafens me.
“A guy?” she shrieks. “Like, a real living, breathing male?”
“Yes, Mei. One of those.” I can always rely on Mei to bring me out of my funk. The smile on my face feels so good.
“Tell me everything.” I can picture her sitting cross-legged, a bowl of popcorn on her lap, her eyes bugged wide.
I let out the long breath I’d just drawn in.
I’m not sure where to start. As the words come out of my mouth, I feel disappointed in myself. I’m a liar. And a chicken. “There’s nothing much to tell. He likes me, I sort of like him.”
“Sort of, Hattie? Really? If you sort of liked him you wouldn’t have brought it up. So spill,” Mei orders in her bossiest voice.
I struggle to know what to say. I feel like everything is bottled up so damn tight, I’m afraid it will blow up in my face if I let it all out. “It’s just been weird from the beginning. For starters, he’s Deo’s wife’s ex,” I admit.
“Holy shit,” Mei mumbles. “It really is like Days of Our Lives out in the Land of Angels, huh?” she asks in her best theatrical announcer voice.
I ignore her comment. “Then I met his mom and his brother and sister and it was just too much, you know?”
“No,” Mei’s voice goes into high panic mode. “No, no, no, don’t you dare. Do. Not. You’re doing it again, Hattie. You’re trying to find problems where there aren’t any.”
I feel my adrenaline spike the way it always does before I’m about to win a debate. “I am not. There is one. We had a big argument last night, and--”
“People argue, you know this, right? You’re a smart girl, Hattie,” Mei interrupts.
“I know that,” I say. My tone is defensive. “It’s just a lot of negatives.”
“That you created, I’m willing to bet. Negatives that aren’t deal breakers, but you’re going to turn them into a reason to give up because you’re scared,” she accuses me.
She’s being merciless, but that’s her prerogative. Mei knows me better than anyone else. That’s why what she says scares the crap out of me.
“Stop it. I’m not scared.”
I’m terrified.
“You are so damn scared to lose control for even a single second. But you have to let go sometimes, girl, you really do,” Mei sighs.
“I let go.” I think it may be a lie. “Remember before I left and we went to that club downtown? I danced. I had fun.”
Baby steps, but this summer was supposed to be all about letting go. I may have failed in some ways, but I’d put myself out there more than I ever had before.
Mei cackles. “Yeah. And did you see the pictures from that night? Your fists were clenched ‘til your knuckles were white, and I could almost hear you grinding your teeth. Even when you’re having fun, you don’t ever really relax, Hattie.”
I want to. But even when I try...things get so intense so fast.
“You know if you gave this guy half a chance, you could be in that bridal shop like your new bes
t friend, trying on poufy gowns,” Mei says with a wicked chuckle.
“I don’t want to screw things up, Mei. I don’t want to end up like my mom. Alone, hung up on the memory of a guy from twenty years ago. What kind of life is that?”
The worst case scenario kind of life. The kind I will run away from as fast as I can.
“One that you won’t have, Hattie. I guarantee that won’t be you. But you have to live a little,” Mei says. Her voice is better than the soothing tea Marigold gave me that first night in Silver Strand.
I rip the note open.
I’m sorry that I can’t be what you want.
I’m sorry that what happened between us wasn’t what you planned.
It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be work.
But I still want you.
And that’s not about to change.
Give us another chance.
I love you.
“Mei, I’ve got to go,” I say, my voice shaking hard.
21 HATTIE
"So you're actually going through with this?"
Deo watches me with puppy-dog eyes. Another one of the thousands of things I love about my brother: he has zero hang-ups about acting “like a man” all the time. If he thinks he can gain footing in a situation, he’ll use any means possible without a shred of shame. Including shimmery, pathetic puppy-dog eyes.
I wonder if the time will ever come when the fact that I found Deo after all these wasted years won't fill me with both gratitude to have him in my life now and fury at our father for making me go so long without that goofy ass smile in my world.
I can't even imagine the different paths I may have taken if I would have had Deo around from the beginning.
“Lydia and I managed to pull off Maren’s party like rockstars, Grandpa promised to fly out to see me for winter break, and I have a senior internship interview in three days. I know I planned on staying longer, but I feel like it’s the right time to go now.” I try to smile through my sadness, but, in order to do it, I have to keep my eyes glued to the bag I’m packing.
I’m having a hard time faking that I don’t feel a deep, overwhelming disappointment.
After I read Ryan’s note, I tried to call him. I went to his boat, but he wasn’t there. So I went to the dock. I waited until he came back, and I was about to run into his arms, to tell him that I was wrong, that he and I made sense...
And then I saw his face.
Pure happiness, pure energy even in the midst of all the crap we were going through. The ocean, racing, it’s his life.
Just like I have my life at college, back home.
And it hit me. No matter how much I wanted it, Ryan and I weren’t going to work. He needed to follow his passion, do what made him happy. Because, as much as we cared about each other, in order for this to work one of us would have to make a huge sacrifice. And that would lead to resentment. And that was not the way I was going to have things end between us.
It hurt like cracking my own rib cage open and ripping out my heart, but I knew I had to walk away.
I thought about writing him a note or calling to explain it all, but I was too afraid that he might be able to convince me to stay. Maybe once I was back in school, cozy in my nice, predictable world, I’d be able to let him know what had prompted me to leave. I could let him know I’d done it for him and for us.
Because I never wanted what we’d shared to dissolve into something ugly and weak.
“But right now?” Deo presses. “Look, what about Ryan?” Deo still can’t say his name without grimacing.
“I care about Ryan. I do. But he and I are worlds apart.” I fidget with the zipper on my suitcase. “He understands,” I lie.
“Then he’s an asshole,” Deo says, shaking his head. “I thought he was an okay guy, but what kind of total douchehole would let you go? His loss.”
My ears are on fire. Deo thinks Ryan is the one who gave up. It doesn’t matter. Deo and Ryan were only ever in the same place because of me, and it was always reluctant at best. Now all our lives will go back to the way they were.
"I love you all, but I’m officially ready to go now, Deo. Marigold even packed some of her famous flax seed and spice bars for the road.”
I hold up the baggy of oily brown bars that I don’t have the heart to chuck anywhere where Marigold might find them.
The love they’re filled with makes up for the taste they lack.
Deo snorts. "Infamous is more like it."
I shove the paper bag of snacks into my purse, then zip up my suitcase.
"You sure you don't want to change your mind about saying goodbye to Dante?" Deo asks.
I give a quick shake of my head.
"I'm sure. I thought about it again last night, but I just couldn't come up with anything I felt I needed to say, or anything I needed to hear from him. If I happen to see him on the dock, okay. But I’m not going out of my way to hunt him down and have some phony heart-to-heart."
Deo nods.
"I'm keeping the car, though. We've become pretty attached to each other." I glance out the window and see that baby blue monster in the driveway. Funny how many good memories I have in that silly little car I was so sure I’d hate forever.
"You could stick around you know. Or come back after this semester, get a transfer or something. You always have a home here." Deo sticks his hands deep in his pockets and frowns.
I give him a quick, tight hug. "I know that. But I have one back east, too. I miss my mom. I miss my friends. I miss... I miss feeling in control of my own destiny." The words tumble out too quickly and sound absurd once they fill my ears.
"Ah, kid, has your time living with Marigold taught you nothing?" he laughs. "Destiny? Come on, stuff like that was never in your control. The whole time you were back there, you thought your life was one thing, but you had this whole other life you never knew about and never saw coming. You think that's it for surprises? You're brighter than that. It never stops. Life is going to keep throwing you curve balls. You're going to keep having to make tough-as-shit choices. Things will always be changing, and almost always, it won't be the way you planned."
The truth of his words hits me hard, but it doesn’t change that sad fact that sometimes the curve balls plain suck.
Sometimes you’re so busy making lists and calculating risks that you open your heart to someone you never think you’ll fall for and wind up falling so hard, you’re not sure you’ll ever recover.
I give Deo a second, tighter hug.
“I’ll always come back here,” I promise, even though I know it’s going to hurt like hell to be back in the place where I fell in love and lost it all. Sometimes those curve balls hit you right in the damn gut.
***
The entire dock is exploding with people, music, crowds cheering, spectators drinking. I stand to the side, looking in a sea of identical white boats for Ryan’s. Twenty times I attempted to text him good luck, and kept erasing the texts before I hit send.
A familiar voice makes me jump.
“I’d think you would have snuck on deck to see him off,” my father says, jerking his thumb toward a group of boats that all look exactly the same.
I squint at them and shake my head, declining the option to explain everything to my father. “No. He needs to focus. I don’t want to distract him.”
“Same reason I’m here,” he grins, leaning against the wooden rail. “Though I’m pretty sure he’d actually appreciate your distraction. He’s a good guy.”
I’m not sure if this is some kind of attempt at father-daughter bonding, but it’s just not what I want to hear right now. I consider blowing my dad off, then change my mind. I deserve a little torture for being such a coward. “He really loves this stuff, doesn’t he?”
It’s like a dagger is stuck in my heart and every sentence about Ryan is another sharp twist. Damn, love hurts.
“He’s definitely never going to be happy unless he’s on the water,” Dad agrees, covering his eyes with
his hand as he looks out at all those jostling boats. “But I don’t know if he has the drive to do this career-wise.”
“The drive to do what?” I ask, a sudden defensive anger boiling up and burning past the pain in my heart. “He’s a natural. It’s almost like he was born on a boat.”
Dad nods. “It’s like he’s married to the sea, as the old timers say. But he’s doesn’t have that dominant take-over feel. He’s never the boss out there.”
I roll my eyes so hard I’m surprised they don’t pop their sockets. “Of course he’s not the boss. It’s the ocean. He’s one guy in the middle of all that vast, powerful water, floating on a tiny piece of wood.”
“Fiberglass,” Dad corrects.
“Whatever. The point is, Ryan has respect for the ocean.”
I remember what it was like to watch him glide the boat over the water, so in love with the speed and the bump of the waves under us, totally at one with the bright reflection of the sun off the water and the teeming life swimming underneath. It was like he was connected to everything there. Like he was in his element.
“Too much respect can make a good racer play it too safe. You’ll see.” My father pulls off his cap and runs his fingers through his hair, throwing me a maddening smile.
“I’ll see what?” When he doesn’t answer, I grab his elbow hard. “I’ll see what?” I repeat.
He looks me in the eyes and his smile fades. “I know you want him to be your hero. I wish he could be. But there’s a good reason I’m not on that boat. I’ve already moved on to my next venture, Hattie. Ryan can’t win. And I don’t waste my time on anyone who doesn’t have the gonads to grab the lead.”
I shake my head at this man. This selfish, blustering, bragging, obnoxious man is my father, but that doesn’t mean I have to like him. It also doesn’t mean I have to make decisions in my life around him.
And I realize Ryan could win every big sailing race up and down this coast, but he’d never be hard and arrogant like my father is.
“I need to go,” I say shortly. “But I want to say one last thing to you.”
My dad looks at me, his brows low over his eyes, his mouth clamped tight.
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