by Paul, JL
And then there was my cousin Joanie’s wedding when Camille had been flower girl. She’d smiled the entire day and well into the night as she’d paraded around in the long, flowing yellow dress, ever vigilant of dirt and wrinkles.
I didn’t realize I was crying until a tear fell to my notes, smearing the ink. I discreetly ran a thumb under each eye, slumping further in my seat, praying the bell would ring and no one would notice. Mercifully, it did and I bolted upright, hastily gathering my things.
“I want that assignment turned in Monday – no excuses,” Mr. Ellis barked as the class filed out the door.
My heart clenched. What assignment? I hadn’t been paying attention and I couldn’t bring myself to ask.
“He wants us to write at least three paragraphs describing our bedrooms. He wants us to use details – he’s a freak about that,” Fin said as he stood over my desk, watching me shove my notebook into my backpack.
“Um, thanks,” I said.
“Are you all right?”
“Yes,” I insisted as I shouldered my bag and headed for the door. “Just tired.”
He nodded and, much to my dismay, followed me. He walked beside me down the hall but I held in my exasperation since he’d bailed me out only seconds earlier.
“Hey,” he said, grabbing my arm, stopping my progress. “Look, I know you don’t want to go to the movies with everyone tonight so how about if you and I do something? Like, we could grab something to eat…or something.”
Gina and three of her friends passed us, shooting curious looks - Gina’s a little darker than the others. I glanced at my arm which still had Fin’s hand curled around it. I swallowed, ignoring the little flutter in my stomach, before lifting my face back to his.
“Thanks, but, um, I can’t. Sorry,” I lied. I could, sure – Aunt Franki would probably wet her pants in joy- but I just didn’t want to do it. I just wanted to sit in my room with my new laptop and forget about the rest of the world.
“Oh,” he said as his eyes narrowed. “Maybe some other time.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I muttered as I slipped my arm out of his grasp. “I need to get to class.”
I scurried away before I promised to attend prom with him or something equally horrifying and made it to my free period as the bell rang. Gina and her group were already there, congregating around Gina’s desk and speaking in hushed voices. They glanced at me as I dropped my backpack to the floor and huddled their heads together to continue whatever conversation they’d been having. I suspected it was about me.
I endured their whispers and conspiratorial looks as I attempted to write the stupid Creative Writing paper. Details about my orange brick walls and sparsely decorated bedroom weren’t coming easily but I scribbled out a rough draft that satisfied me for the time being. I could always refine it later that night as I’d no intention of doing anything more than sitting in my room.
A shadow fell over my desk and I heaved a heavy sigh before raising my head. Gina hovered over me, arms crossed and an empty look on her immaculately made-up face.
“Yes?” I asked in the politest tone I could muster.
“I saw Fin talking to you in the hall,” she said.
“So?”
She rolled her eyes as her arms fell to her sides. “So…what did he want? Did he invite you to go with us tonight?”
I fought a smirk, finally understanding her. She wasn’t so much angry that I’d snubbed her as much as she was that Fin had shown me a bit of attention. Obviously, she didn’t care for that in the least.
The anger-demon jumped up and down jubilantly, tugging at the leash and foaming at the mouth. How could I not placate the little darling?
I gave her a slight shrug and allowed a hint of a smile to play with my lips. “Something like that.”
“Really?” she said, desperately digging her nails into her cool façade to keep it from slipping away. But I could see the cracks and I grabbed a shovel – eager to widen them.
“Yeah.” I leaned back in my chair, all cocky-like, and grinned. “Really.”
“So,” she said as her aloof coolness slid further off her face. “Are you going?”
I pinched the middle of my pencil and gave it a spin as my own face contorted into false contemplation. “Well, I told him I couldn’t go – I have plans, you see – but I think I might be able to move some things around. I just don’t know yet.”
“Maybe we’ll see you tonight, then,” she said as she jammed her arms together over her bust and returned to her friends in a huff.
My grin grew even as my stomach took a tiny roll. She hadn’t really done anything to me to warrant my rude behavior but I just didn’t like her. Perhaps she reminded me too much of my former self. I really didn’t know and I wasn’t much into self-analysis so I let the matter drop.
***
I did hang out in my room Friday night but Aunt Franki wouldn’t allow it two evenings in a row.
“We’re going to do something tonight,” she declared Saturday as I ducked over my plate and forced her delicious meatloaf down my throat.
“Like what?” I asked with high hopes that she wasn’t planning any sort of bonding. I wasn’t in the mood.
“Well, the only thing to do around here in the winter, really, is to check out the hockey games. Both teams are playing tonight.”
“Hockey?” I said as I choked on a piece of meat. “Really? I know nothing about it.” That was the truth but in all actuality, I didn’t want to see Fin. Or, I didn’t want him thinking I was there to see him. I could already picture the smug, arrogant grin on his face Monday at school.
“I don’t know much about it either, but Rita at the drug store said both teams are good and the entire town goes to the games,” she said, her eyes begging me to agree. She lifted her fork and her shoulder at the same time. “I just thought it might be fun.”
The majority of my being was urging me to get out of it somehow while a tiny smidgen of me was far too curious for my liking. I sort of wanted to see Fin in action. And if the whole town was there, chances were he wouldn’t even see me.
“Sure,” I said without much luster. “I guess.”
“Great,” Aunt Franki beamed. “As soon as we load the dishwasher, we can go.”
I curbed my sarcastic retort and nodded instead. I lingered over my meal despite Aunt Franki’s haste to finish up and get out of the door.
The Community Center was packed, tons of bodies pressed together making it nearly warm enough to melt the ice. I stayed close to Aunt Franki, afraid I’d lose her in the crowd and be forced into conversation with someone I didn’t know.
We found seats five rows from the protective glass and directly across from the players’ bench. Several guys in navy blue jerseys and heavy padding floated around the ice effortlessly. The helmets and face shields prevented me from identifying which one was Fin.
“So, you really don’t know anything about hockey?” Aunt Franki asked as she munched on popcorn.
“Not a thing,” I muttered, leaning around a heavyset man that had squeezed in front of me, smelling of sweat and cheeseburgers.
“As I recall,” she said, flashing me a smile, “you were a cheerleader.”
I rolled my eyes as the sweaty man settled in a seat on the end of the row. “My old school didn’t have a hockey team and besides, I don’t think there are cheerleaders at hockey matches.”
She pulled a frown as her hand paused halfway to her mouth. “Hm, I guess you’re right.”
I squinted at the logo embroidered on the chest of the jerseys. It was some sort of scruffy canine with a hockey stick clutched between its bared teeth. A wolf? I couldn’t be sure so I concentrated on the names above the numbers on the players’ backs instead.
My heart gave a sudden lurch when number thirty-four skated past, ‘Finley’ plastered across the shoulders in bold letters. I did the best I could to keep my eye on him but it was like trying to keep an eye on the shells to figure out which one had the little b
all hidden beneath it.
If I thought that was difficult, it was nothing compared to trying to keep track of the puck once the game started. Hockey sticks clattered against one another as players smashed opposing team members against the walls while others battled to bat the little black disk from one end of the rink to the other. It was all very dizzying but sort of exciting as the massive crowd wailed and cheered around me. Aunt Franki hadn’t been exaggerating – it did indeed look as if the entire town had crawled out of their homes to watch the game.
When the first period ended and the teams escaped to their respective locker rooms, Aunt Franki left me to retrieve more snacks and drinks. I took the time to browse the crowd and wasn’t surprised in the least to see several classmates. A loud sigh escaped my lips when my eyes met the dark, angry ones of Gina Moore. She, along with three of her friends, was seated directly behind the players’ bench – no surprise there.
I laughed, making her gaze angrier, as I realized why she felt so threatened by me – she had the hots for Fin. I was sorely tempted to make my way over to her and tell her that she needn’t be worried – I didn’t want the hockey player at all. But something stopped me. I wasn’t quite sure what that was, either, and it bothered me.
Did I want Fin? Was I interested?
I shook my head, ignoring the confused and amused looks Gina continued to throw at me. I wasn’t particularly fussed about what she thought.
“The second period is about to start,” Aunt Franki wheezed as she squeezed into the seat next to me, handing over a large soda.
Sure enough, the players emptied out onto the ice and began skating around carelessly until the referee blew a whistle. They got into position and waited for the ref to drop the puck between two players. I watched with bated breath, silently hoping for Dunewood’s player to win what Aunt Franki said was a face-off.
I relaxed in my seat as the hockey players battered the puck – and each other – until finally, the puck shot into the net and Dunewood’s players celebrated, hugging each other, jumping around, and smacking each other on the back. The entire building went crazy – except for a couple scattered groups that had obviously come in from out of town to root for the other team.
“Great shot, huh?” a familiar voice called from behind.
I turned and smiled at Damon as he hopped over the seats and fell beside me. “I think someone is sitting there.”
“I’ll move,” he said as his eyes remained trained on the ice. “Isaiah Carter is awesome, huh?”
“Is that who scored?” Aunt Franki asked, leaning across my body.
“Yeah. He graduated from Dunewood High last year and goes to Community College. Dude should have gotten a hockey scholarship – the only player that works harder or plays better than him is Fin.”
My heart wiggled traitorously again but I refused to acknowledge it.
“Who is Fin?” Aunt Franki asked as the game recommenced.
“He goes to our school,” I said hiding my irritation. “He’s in my Creative Writing class.”
“Is he cute?” she asked.
I rolled my eyes, happy at least that Damon didn’t seem to be paying any heed to our conversation. “I don’t know. I never paid particular attention.”
Aunt Frankie tugged on my blonde ponytail teasingly. “I bet he noticed you. I know you used to be quite the Miss Popularity at your old school.”
Damon’s head snapped in our direction but I stared at the ice, hoping to convey my wishes to keep my previous life away from my new one.
“Miss Popularity, huh?” Damon asked, bumping his shoulder to mine.
“Not really,” I mumbled as I caught sight of number thirty-four zooming toward the puck.
“That’s great,” he continued. “Gina Moore is chomping at the bit to be some sort of queen and you could be easily but don’t want it. I love it!”
A laugh clawed its way up my throat as a huge smile smacked my lips. I was still staring at Fin as he exited the ice and caught my gaze. Recognition flickered in his eyes as a slow smile spread across his own lips. He inclined his head in my direction as a heated blush rushed to my cheeks.
I quickly turned my attention back to the game and away from Fin as I tried to gain some sort of control over my body. What the hell? He caught me smiling and assumed I was smiling at him, obviously. Just wonderful. He probably thought I came to the stupid game just to see him. He’d be unbearable in class on Monday.
My interest waned slightly as the third period drew to a close. The other team scored but Fin answered with a goal and looked dead at me – perhaps expecting another smile. Poor guy was sadly disappointed as I merely turned my head as if disinterested. Unfortunately, my insides were cheering right along with the crowd and I almost set my anger-demon on my own soul.
I was a right mess.
Once the game ended, I urged Aunt Franki out of the Community Center, my patience draining rapidly each time she greeted a neighbor or someone she recognized from town. Granted, it was a map dot of a city, but she hadn’t lived here permanently long enough to know many people. Or so I had thought. But it appeared as if she did indeed know just about everyone and she insisted on introducing me every time she stopped to chat.
By the time we got back to her place, my head was pounding. I feigned exhaustion and escaped to my room. I dug out my cell phone, eager to try Jared’s number again. I was mildly surprised when he answered.
“Hey! Rena! Sorry I haven’t called you back but you wouldn’t believe how busy I’ve been,” he started. It was his usual excuse but I let it pass since he’d been generous and sent me his lap top.
“I understand,” I mumbled, only slightly lifted by the sound of his voice. “How are you?”
“I’m okay, actually,” he said and I believed him. “I’m getting by – doing what I must to live, you know?”
I did know. That’s exactly what I’d been doing since I’d moved to Dunewood – only, he was living while I was merely existing. “Well, I guess that’s good.”
“How are you?” he asked, his voice dropping. “I mean how are you really?”
“Good,” I lied. “My first week was uneventful which is exactly how I like it.”
He snorted loudly in my ear. “That doesn’t sound like the sister I know. You mean to tell me that you haven’t wowed that little town yet? Haven’t brought all the boys crawling to your front step?” He paused briefly but didn’t give me time to answer. “Geez, I remember when I had to chase boys away from you.”
“Yeah, well, I manage to do that on my own now. I don’t need boys.”
The line went cold and I would have asked if he was still there but for the fact that I could hear his breath scraping across the phone. “Rena, don’t stop living. You’re not dead.”
“Duh,” I said as the dozing anger-demon woke. “I know that.”
“You were supposed to go to Aunt Franki’s to get your life back.”
I barked out a sharp, sarcastic laugh. “What life? That shallow life I led back home? The selfish, self-absorbed person I used to be? What good did that get me, huh?”
“It wasn’t your fault, damn it,” he said and I could literally hear the anger boiling in his gut. “You …”
“I know what I did and didn’t do, Jared, okay?”
His sigh was so deep and harsh that it hurt my ear. “Hey, um, what do you say about coming here for a weekend soon? We could hang out and you could visit the campus – maybe you could apply here. It’s not too late.”
“I don’t know,” I said, gnawing on my lip. I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint him but I had no intentions of going to college. I just wanted to finish high school and deal with real life later. “I guess I could but I want to get a little more settled first.”
“Sure, sis, whatever you say,” he said, disheartened. “Just let me know.”
“Okay,” I said, guilt dripping out of my pores like sweat. “Um, thanks again for the lap top. It’s awesome.”
“N
o problem. Take care of yourself, Rena – I mean it.”
“I will,” I promised. “Talk to you later.”
I ended the call, all mixed up inside, and prepared for bed. I thought for sure I’d feel better after talking to my brother but I wasn’t sure how I felt. We’d had the blame argument over and over – it was one of the main reasons for the gap in our formerly easy-going relationship. He’d made an attempt to fix it and I’d practically thrown it in his face. But the facts hadn’t changed – I knew my role in the tragedy that had struck my family. I knew how I’d failed. I knew how my selfishness had played a part in what had happened. Maybe my parents did, too. Only Jared remained ignorant of it all – refusing to believe that I was at fault. And I loved him all the more for his faith in me.
As I slipped into my bed, my thoughts drifted away from my family and my guilt and landed on Fin in his hockey gear. I shoved it away furiously – not wanting to travel down that road in the least. I had enough to deal with as it was.
Chapter Five
I was tempted to bunch up under my jacket and hide as I made my way to my locker Monday morning - but I decided not to be a coward. So what if Fin saw me in the halls? What did it matter? I was going to have to face him sooner or later. Maybe it would be for the best if I met him in the hall and got through his smug, arrogant, conceited, egotistical…
I sighed as I opened my locker. I wasn’t being fair and I knew it. He hadn’t really acted that way at all toward me – I’d just judged him as if he was like the athletes I’d gone to school with back home. Still, I couldn’t afford to soften to him as I didn’t want or need any sort of deep meaningful relationship whether it be friendship or something more.
I gathered my books and headed to class.
My morning classes dragged on endlessly in typical Monday fashion as I focused on the lectures and the worksheets and the demonstrations. I truly wanted to make an effort to be a better student this term – maybe then my mother would remember she had another daughter.
