"Talk about offensive!" counters the angry Twinhead. "At least I don't openly refer to the male sex organ as a dick!"
"Girls! Girls! Please!" shouts the moderator, a stippled REEDSKIN from the Dogstar System. "I think we should allow Mzz Sunbright to respond."
SAMANTHA SUNBRIGHT is a knockout. Elfin face. Long, gold-flecked hair to her waist. Perfect bod.
"I really don't have a great deal of multi-penis experience, but to quote the old saying, 'It ain't no matter who owns the store, it's how you use the merchandise. 'At least I —"
"No, no!" cuts in the Toadwoman. "It's 'Never mind the mishkas, just deliver the mulligan.'"
This sets off a strident shouting match, terminated by the moderator's gavel which ends the panel.
Sam moves to Mzz Sunbright. (She lives up to her name: saucy, perky, with a very direct, appealing manner.)"Do you like my nipples?" she asks Sam.
"Very much." (They are prominent beneath her glo-blouse.)
"I use perm-erect on them. What's your name?"
"I'm Sam, says Space.
"So am I." Space looks puzzled and she explains: "My full name is Samantha, but nobody ever calls me that."
"It's gonna be weird, calling you Sam, he declares.
"Well, I suppose you could call me by my middle name."
"Which is?"
"Penhorst … Samantha Penhorst Sunbright."
"Sam is fine, he says.
* * *
We are now in her life-unit at the White Sands Atomic Blast Motel as Sam talks about his mission. We enter this scene after he's told her about the murder, the attempts on his life, and the missing testicle. "I need to run down this Fasterfaster guy as soon as possible. I understand you body-jag with him."
"Oh, no. You have the wrong Sunbright. It's my sister, Susan, who jags with Henry." She shows him a photo of Susan from her carrybag. "But that's all over. She's with Collingo now."
"Who's Collingo?"
"A preach in All-New-York. I'll go there with you. Susan hates strangers. She'd stiff you, but I can get her to talk. By the way, would you like to see my nipples? They're really quite nice."
Sam grins.
[SPACE]
There are no longer any street vehicles in the overcrowded city of All-New-York. No more taxicabs. Ground transport is by moving pedwalks or via a Lev … a person who can levitate. (You hire one, climb onto his or her shoulder saddle, and direct him to an address while his chest-meter totes up the fare. The sky over New York is filled with floating Levs.)
Sam and Samantha lev-float to Big Saint's Church in Old Cen Park. Collingo's turf. He's the "Big Saint, a skilled con artist who "milks the rubes." A spinning hypno-wall inside his church puts the congregation into a deep-trance state … which is when Collingo "convinces" them to buy his own brand of All Saint's Oil ("the balm that heals every ailment") and invest in his Blessed Acres real estate project.
On the high altar COLLINGO cuts a grand figure. He's eight feet tall with flowing white glo-hair and blazing, reflective eyes, robed in stitched gold and silver. With an amplified voice like thunder. Who could resist him?
After the service, Space and Sunbright show up in Collingo's dressing room. The Big Saint is actually a bald little runt with squinty eyes once he's discarded his robes, stilts, glo-wig and eye pieces. And his unamplified voice is a rasping whine.
"Lookin' for yer sis?" he asks Samantha. "If so, yer outta luck. She left me cold."
"That's not like Susan, Samantha says. "She must have had a reason. What happened?"
Collingo hesitates, eyes downcast. "Well … it was when I starting wearing polka dot shorts to bed."
Samantha nods vigorously. "Of course! I understand now! Susan cannot abide polka dot shorts."
Collingo sighs. "It's the little things that can ruin a relationship."
"Where is she now?" asks Space.
"In a cave on Neptune … with that furry bastard Halfcat."
Sam has heard of the infamous and cannibalistic Halfcat, leader of a band of asteroid rustlers who live in the mountains. But since Susan Sunbright is his only lead to Fasterfaster and F.'s "big plans" with the testicle, he and Samantha book immediate passage on a Warper to Neptune.
* * *
Collingo has supplied Sam with the passpoem needed to gain entry to Halfcat. The preach used it once himself when he went to Neptune in an attempt to sweet-talk Susan into coming back to him, but he got out fast when Halfcat threatened to eat him.
The only way into Halfcat's mountain stronghold is up a narrow pass via Fuggback. A Fugg is a horselike animal with a head and neck at each end; the creature is constantly in a sour mood since no matter where it is going, half of it is always traveling in the other direction.
Riding into the mountains on two of these surly beasts, Sam and Samantha encounter a raw young SENTRY guarding the trail to Halfcat. Dressed in studded leathers and boots, he's a kind of outer space Hell's Angel. He demands the passpoem, which Sam duly recites:
"Lovers through the breadth of time,
Yearning for a fairy's kiss,
Find this simple bit of rhyme,
Binds them in eternal bliss."
The sentry, eyes downcast, is plainly embarrassed. "This is the third passpoem in a row that has lovers yearning for a fairy's kiss. Sometimes I think the boss is kinda spooky — but don't tell him I said so."
Sam and Sam continue up the mountain pass.
As they ride, she asks him a question: "Sam, why is this case so urgent? Nobody is paying you to hunt for the testicle. What keeps driving you on?"
"Sometimes you choose your cases, Sam says. "And sometimes your cases choose you. Amanda Nightbird trusted that I'd be able to help her … and if we'd met before she died, I probably would have. But that never happened. She was murdered … on my bed. That makes it pretty damn personal to me. However this caper turns out, I've gotta establish that nobody interferes in my cases … and nobody better come into my hive to murder anybody. Understand?"
She nods. "Oh, I do. I truly do."
* * *
Now, at his cave, they reach HALFCAT. At first, all they see of him is a pair of slanted yellow eyes gleaming out of the darkness. His voice is a low snarl: "What do you seek of Halfcat? Why have you come?"
"To see my sister, Susan Sunbright, Samantha says. "We were told she lives here."
The outlaw emerges from the cave. Below the waist, he is a normal biped … but his chest is all matted fur, his head that of a cat with pointed ears and a mouth containing wickedly sharp fangs. His slanted yellow eyes are feral and unblinking.
Halfcat circles then, sniffing. "Ugh! You stink of Earth. Halfcat despises Earthlings."
"Then why body jag with my sister? She's from Earth."
"Sex is something else, says the furry outlaw. "Halfcat makes exceptions."
The outlaw seems willing to talk. He tells them that Susan recently left him to return to Fasterfaster. She just didn't appreciate living like a social outcast in a damp mountain cave.
But where, exactly, did she go?
Halfcat doesn't know, but he is able to give them the location of the two lizard thugs who grabbed the robot's testicle in Old Chicago. "They hang out at a dive called 'The Painpit' on one of Orion's moons."
How does he know this? Because Susan had them come and get her when she left him for F. By the way, is Sam interested in rumors about F.? Yes, indeed. "Halfcat has heard that F. is connected to something called 'the ultimate Doomsday Device,' but Halfcat has no details."
Sam nods, muttering to Samantha: "And I'll bet the robot's testicle is tied in … which explains why he wanted it back so badly."
"You've been very helpful, Samantha tells the furry outlaw. His nose wrinkles in distaste as she shakes his paw.
"Earthlings smell bad, but they are good to eat, he says, yellow eyes gleaming, as he licks his fangs. "And Halfcat is very hungry."
Samantha flinches back. "Uh … thanks again. We'll be leaving now."
S
he quickly remounts her Fugg while Sam does likewise.
"No!" roars Halfcat. "You must stay for dinner!"
"Not when we're the main course, declares Sam, digging his heels into the side of the Fugg.
A dozen other tough-looking asteroid rustlers come boiling out of the rocks to pursue the galloping Fuggs.
It's close … but Sam and Sam make it out of the pass to safety.
The Painpit is set into the side of a radioactive crater on Bailey's Moon in the Orion Cluster, and the entire area emits an eerie,
radioactive glow. The Painpit's lead shielding protects customers, but everyone is required to wear lead-lined pants ("for genital protection") while inside the club.
At the bar, Sam asks the ROBOTENDER about Stanley and Abner. "You mean those two lizards? Game room. They play spinkas in there every night."
Spinkas is an anti-gravity game in which you earn points by slamming a large, leather-covered spinkas ball against your opponent in an attempt to drive him into a color-marked scoring wall. (Not unlike hockey, with your opponent as the puck.)
Sam unlimbers his .38 Colt-Quickfire and prepares to enter the gravity-free Game room. He tells Samantha to wait for him at the bar: "These bozos are dangerous!" She agrees.
When Sam shows up, Stanley and Abner are surprised to see him. "I thought we fried the guy, huh Stanley, whines Abner. "Didn't we fry him? How comes he's alive, Stanley, how come, huh?"
"Shut up, Abner!" To Sam: "Whatcha want, peeper? You here to ice us for what we done in Chi Town?"
"I'm not here for revenge, Space tells him. "I'm here for the testicle." The .38 in hand, he floats up toward them, looking a little silly in his lead pants.
"We ain't got it, says Stanley. "F.'s got it. We brought it to him."
"Where is he?"
"That's for us to know, peeper!" snaps Stanley, slamming the spinkas ball into Sam's chest; he loses the .38 (as it slowly spins away from him in the non-gravity environment) … and is driven into the wall.
"Yeh, yeh, you got him good, Stanley, chuckles Abner.
Before Sam can recover, a harsh Scottish voice from below calls out: "Space! You're under arrest, laddie!"
Sam floats down to confront Lieutenant O'Malloy, who has a .45 double-thrust Police Positive aimed at him.
"What's up, O'Malley?"
"It's not O'Malley, it's O'Mal-LOY, damn ye!" fumes the Lieutenant.
"So, what's the beef?"
"Under arrest ye are for illegal corpse transport. We dug up this deadtrip at the Boneyard. Your bed told us about her. And Elmore, your vehicle verified that you'd taken her to the Yard. Just ye come along to H.Q. with me."
"You work Mars Homicide, says Space. "Orion isn't in your jurisdiction."
"Jurisdiction be damned! You comin' along peaceful, or do I have to get rough?"
"You cheap cops all talk alike, Sam says. "How'd you know where to find me?"
"Easy. We got a vid-alert that you'd booked a Warper here. Move along now."
He prods Sam with the .45 while the two lizards leer in the b.g.
"You're making a big mistake, O'Malley."
"O'Mal-LOY!" he snaps. "An' I said move!"
On the way out, they pass Samantha. "Call my office, Sam says, "and tell Edna I've been arrested."
* * *
Police Headquarters, Bubble City, Mars. Homicide Division. Sam is strapped in a copchair inside the Interrogation Room and the chair is grilling him regarding Amanda Nightbird's murder. (Behind a two-way wall mirror Lt. O'Malloy and two other detectives watch and listen.)
"Your bed claims the triplehead was strangled by a spider person before you got home, says the chair, "so we can't pin a murder rap on you."
"Sorry about that, says Sam.
"But you know why she was killed." The chair squeezes him.
"Maybe."
"Are you going to talk?"
"I'll talk when I'm ready to talk, snaps Sam. "Right now I need to get back in action. The situation is urgent."
The chair squeezes harder. "What situation?"
"That's my business."
"Then there's no other alternative, says the chair, coldly.
"We're sending you to Minnie."
* * *
Sam finds himself locked into a spinchair in a glowing, humming half-darkness. The glow emanates from hundreds of blinking lights on the walls around him. He's part of a vast computer.
"Where the hell am I?" he demands.
"Inside me, says one of the walls. (They all talk.)"My name is Minnie. You broke the law. You are mentally defective, and I am here to cure you."
"Dammit, I'm fine … and I don't need any lousy machine to …"
"I shall simply erase all aggressive impulses and thoughts, replacing them with non-aggressive impulses and thoughts."
Minnie's interior humming increases and the four walls whirl into a bright-colored blur. Sounds and colors mix as Sam's body is spun in a circle, around and around, faster and faster. When the spin ends and the lights steady, he's been totally brainwashed.
"How do you feel, Sammy?"
"Peachy keen, Minnie. Just peachy keen!" His voice is childish, like a 10-year-old's.
"What would you like to do now, Sammy?"
"Anything. I'll do anything you think I ought to, Minnie."
"How about a nice job on Pluto collecting Zubu eggs?"
"That sounds keen, Minnie!"
"Then close your eyes."
And Sam, with a sappy smile on his face, closes his eyes.
* * *
A workfarm on Pluto. Sam's job: to help the robots uncover Zubu eggs once a Zububird has laid an egg and hidden it. A simple task, and one he obviously enjoys. (There are dozens of differently-colored Zubus, and an equal number of work robots; Sam is the only Earthling.)
As he straightens from uncovering a large freckled egg, one of the birds waddles over to him. "My name is Charlie … and we need to talk, says the Zubu in a sad, frustrated voice.
"Peachy!" says Sam, who's wearing his classic hat. "I love talking."
The ZUBUBIRD is seven feet tall with a long, yellow beak, large blue eyes, a puffy, pink-feathered body (not unlike an ostrich), and four skinny legs ending in paddle feet.
Sam sits down on a rock while the bird circles him slowly, spilling out his grief: "Look, as an Earthling, maybe you can understand my problem. Once I have laid a handsome freckled egg I go to a great deal of trouble to hide it. Lots of work and time involved. And then, once I have succeeded in hiding it, you people come along and dig it up."
"That's right, declares Sam brightly. "That's our job."
"Well, I want you to stop it."
"Oh, goodness, I couldn't do that. I can't let Minnie down. Minnie is depending on me. She arranged for me to have a full and productive life. I am now helping feed the great masses of the System."
"But what you're feeding them just happens to be my freckled eggs!"
Sam shakes his head. "Frankly, I don't see any solution to your problem. You are supposed to hide your eggs, and we are supposed to find them. That's life."
"It's sad, sighs the bird, "I've just never been able to adjust. I'm so depressed, I don't feel like ever hiding another egg."
Sam, in sympathy, puts his arm around Charlie. Suddenly … Zap! They're gone.
* * *
They pop into view in Nate's lab back in Old Chicago. But something has gone terribly wrong: Sam's head (wearing his classic hat) is now atop Charlie's feathered body, while the bird's head now tops Sam's body.
"Nate, what the hell is going on?" Sam demands.
"Well … I got your space-time coordinates correct and used my new planet-snapper to get you off Pluto. But it took the bird along with it and kind of scrambled the two of you."
"My name is Charlie, says the bird, "and while I greatly appreciate being space-snapped off Pluto, I'd like my own feathered body back if you don't mind."
"Yeah, me too!" Sam growls. "You've got to … oops! Hold everything. I f
eel the urge!" He paddlefoots to a far corner of the lab looking back at Oliver: "No peeking!"
And, with a satisfied grunt, Sam lays a large freckled egg … then begins to look around for a hiding place. He very carefully places the egg behind a file-cab. "You can look now, he says, grinning sheepishly.
Oliver says, "Both of you … follow me." He leads them into another room.
"I've been working on a body-reverse machine, says Oliver. "Turned a billy goat into a giraffe with it … or was it a giraffe into a billy goat? But I'm not sure it will work with heads."
He directs them to a tall cabinet which sports valves, copper pipes, and multiple dials. They enter the cabinet, seat themselves side by side, while Nate wires them up. "Here's mud in your eye!" And he throws a switch.
Shimmering colors. A loud polyphonic humming (the machine equivalent of plainchant). Vibrations which create visible synchronous waveforms of energy. When the machine reaction is concluded, we see that Charlie and Sam are each back to normal.
"It worked, nods Oliver.
Charlie ruffles his feathers. "Ummm … feels good!"
Sam nods. "Yeah, I hate laying eggs!"
"I suppose you want me to snap you back to Pluto?" Nate asks Charlie.
"Are you kidding? That's the last place I want to be. Can't I stay here with you?"
Thoughtfully, Nate considers the idea. "Well, I have been looking for a lab assistant."
"I'd be perfect, declares Charlie.
"But you've got no hands!"
"I can use my beak. C'mon, give me a chance!"
Nate hesitates: "What do you think, Sam?"
"Keep him. He's an unhappy misfit on Pluto. Besides, you can use the company."
"All right, you're hired, says Oliver. Then, turning back to Sam, he says, "I've got some important news for you. Your friend Samantha contacted me. Got my vid-number from Edna at your office. Anyhow, she received word that her sister is at F's castle on Saturn. Susan is being held prisoner there in the South Tower and needs to be rescued. Samantha's very concerned about her."
Oliver nods. "Naturally you'll want to rescue her. And if all goes well, you'll nail F. and recover the robot's testicle at the same time."
"But how am I supposed to get into the joint?"
"Just leave that to me, says Nate Oliver.
Space Tales (Seven For Space) Page 10
