by ML Michaels
“That’s great!” Hannah said, wrapping her arms around him. “I’m so proud of you!”
Valerie smiled too, though she was more jealous of his success than she was anything else. She wished she could be out there in the world, doing something other than writing articles on activities to do in the sun/snow/rain. Still, she was happy for him. Steven had always been the type would could do anything he wanted if he put his mind to it.
“That’s not all,” he said.
Hannah took a step back. Valerie wasn’t sure if her mother could take any more news. She looked like she was about to cry.
“I...I think I’m going to move back over stateside,” he said.
Valerie immediately turned from the sink and tackled her brother in a huge hug. “Please!” she begged. “Save me from being alone with these crazy people!”
Steven laughed. “I can’t promise it’ll be all the way out into Sherwood, but I bet I could set up on the west coast. Maybe in Portland or something.”
“And you can do that?” Hannah asked, likely wondering if it was too good to be true. “You can just move everything back home?”
Steven untangled himself from his sister. “Yeah, more or less,” he said. “It’s a bit of a pay cut, sure, but I’ve missed you guys a lot. I can’t believe Jelly Bean is already so tall. I don’t want to keep missing out on huge chunks of my family’s life.”
That’s when the dam broke. Hannah began to sob.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have told either of them right away,” Valerie commented, chuckling.
Hannah pulled her son close and hugged him tightly. “My baby’s coming home!”
Since she practically wailed the information, Edmund was inside within seconds. “What did you say?”
“I haven’t got anything set in stone yet!” Steven protested.
“He’s moving back to America!” Hannah sobbed.
Edmund’s eyes grew so wide that Valerie wondered if he would actually have a heart attack. He seemed to make it through, though, and the next second he was hugging both Steven and Hannah. Valerie watched them, laughing, as they became a big pile of laughing and crying. Julia came back into the room from the living room where she had been watching cartoons again and asked why everyone was crying.
“Your uncle Steven’s moving back home,” Valerie told her.
Justin appeared at the doorway as the same time as Julia cried, “We can get bunk beds if you want!” and threw herself fiercely into the group hug.
Valerie let her guard down just long enough to glance over at Justin, and for the two of them to exchange a smile.
“Hey mom?” Steven said from the middle of the pile. “I’m just going to take this moment to let you know that if you make that soup again I’m moving to Germany permanently.”
Justin found himself actually looking forward to his interview with Valerie when he woke the next morning. It would be his opportunity to finally talk to her. Maybe he’d even find out why she was so distant. It was infuriating for him. He found that the more she ignored him, the more he wanted her. Not that he’d ever really stopped wanting her.
The Sherwood Press office was a small red brick building on the town’s main street. It was shaded out front by the trees that lined the sidewalk. The summer breeze drifted in between the branches, and it gave Justin a positive feeling about how the interview would go. Since it was such a small office, there was a reception desk at the front of the room, but all he had to do was look a little farther in and he spotted Valerie at her desk.
He was about to call out to her to get her attention, but he was immediately greeted by a man sporting a greying moustache.
“Justin Brown!” he said. “I’m Herman Daniels. I’m the editor. I’m so glad you could make it in.”
Valerie turned when she heard the commotion, but she didn’t make any move to get up. Justin had a moment of uncertainty where he thought the man greeting him might be the one interviewing him.
“Hi,” he said. “I think I’m supposed to be meeting with Valerie?”
“You are,” the man confirmed. “I just wanted to introduce myself and say welcome back. The paper is extremely grateful for you taking some time to talk to us.”
Justin smiled. “Anything for my hometown.”
“Valerie,” Herman called over his shoulder. “Mr. Brown is here.”
She nodded wordlessly and came over to greet him. “Hey, Justin,” she said, a polite smile on her lips. “Thanks for coming in.”
“Wouldn’t miss it,” he said.
She led him over to her desk and gestured for him to sit in the chair beside it. He noticed that her desk was impeccably organized, though it had a picture of her daughter and a couple of crafts that he assumed Julia had made.
Valerie was wearing a professional looking black dress, and her hair hung loosely around her shoulders. She looked elegant and, as always, beautiful.
“So, Justin,” she said, pulling out a voice recorder and setting it on the desk. “Basically the article we’re trying to write is about how your life in Sherwood helped you in your hockey career. We want to inspire Sherwood’s youth to believe that they can do anything they set their minds too, even if we don’t have the resources and opportunities that kids in bigger cities might have.”
“How are you?” he asked.
Valerie’s polite smile slipped. She looked shocked. “Uh, fine.”
“We haven’t talked since I got here,” he replied. “I wasn’t sure if you were upset at me or something.”
Valerie laughed nervously. “No, I’ve just been really tired.”
Justin nodded. “Yeah.” He grinned. “Julia seems like a handful. She’s adorable though.”
“I kind of have a lot to do today,” Valerie said. “I’m so sorry, but do you think we could stick to questions about you? We can catch up a bit later if you want.”
Justin sensed that she would be hard to get a hold of later. “You were the one who stopped calling me, Val,” he said.
She gulped, and her eyes grew wide. When she reached across to turn off the tape recorder, her hands were shaking.
“Justin, this isn’t why I called you in here.”
“No, but since you won’t talk to me any other time, this is all I’ve got.”
Valerie looked around to make sure nobody else was listening. Then she said, “Why are you doing this? Why do you care?”
Justin leaned closer to her, longing to reach out and grab her hand. “It does matter. What matters is that you’ve been avoiding me, and I’m tired of it.”
Valerie shook her head. “I haven’t been avoiding you.”
Justin levelled her gaze. “You’re lying.”
Valerie suddenly stood from her chair and calmly walked past him. calmly. To anyone looking on, she might have just been going to the bathroom or running to grab something from her car. But Justin knew she was trying to make a getaway.
When she got to the front door of the office, he followed her.
She was already halfway down the street before he caught up with her, and she had a wild yet sad look in her eyes.
“What the hell, Val?”
“She’s yours!” she whispered, turning to him. She looked ready to cry. “Julia’s yours.”
Justin stopped dead. He might have even stopped breathing if he hadn’t remembered to inhale.
“What?”
Valerie closed her eyes and tilted her head back, taking a deep breath. “I didn’t know how to tell you...you had your career, and I thought…” She rubbed her clammy hands down the sides of her dress. “I thought you’d tell me to take care of it, if you know what I mean. That you wanted nothing to do with us. I still…”
Justin couldn’t believe it. That little girl, so full of life…was his. But then again, how had he not seen it? Her eyes were green, just like his. Now that he thought about it, he could see himself in her just as much as he saw Valerie.
�
�Can you say something please?” Valerie said, eyes brimming with tears. She crossed her arms across her chest to stop Justin from seeing her hands shaking.
“I have to go,” he said. “Sorry.”
Then he turned and walked away.
Julia nearly descended into a fit of tears on the sidewalk. Perhaps she would have, if she hadn’t already been through this moment in her head hundreds of times. Maybe she would have if she hadn’t already buffered up her toughness after four years of telling people she didn’t know who the dad was and watching their faces change from delight to judgment in no time at all.
Maybe she would have if Julia didn’t need her to be strong.
She watched Justin walk away, gave herself three seconds to feel sorry for herself, and then wiped her eyes and went back into her office.
“What was that all about?” Herman asked.
“He realized he had to be somewhere,” Valerie said calmly, hoping that none of them could see through her facade. “I’ll get his statements another time if he has the time.”
She worked through the rest of her day without shedding a single tear. If she could get through that, she decided, she could get through anything.
“Mommy I’m starving!” Julia complained, sitting on the floor in front of the fridge.
“Honey, hanging out under my feet is not going to make this any faster.”
“But you won’t let me help.”
“Cause you’re three,” Valarie replied. “You can barely reach the counter, you little gremlin. Now go back in there and play for a bit. There’s going to be hot stuff up here in a minute.”
“Three and a half!” Julia retorted, though she followed her mom’s directions anyway.
Julia measured out the pasta into the boiling water, swearing to herself when she accidentally poured in too much. She was beginning to think that if she hadn’t mastered the art of portioning pasta properly after three years of being a mother, then she was never going to get it right.
“Whatever,” she muttered. “I’ll just bring it for lunch.”
There was a knock on the door, which Valerie assumed would be her brother. Though he’d said he had plans with old school friends that evening, it would be just like him to show up unannounced and say he’d bailed on his friends and would she happen to have any spare food for dinner.
“Come in!” she called, now trying to open the can of tomato sauce. The lid was too tight. Why were the lids always so tight? She grabbed a steak knife from the drawer and was just stabbing it in the top of the lid to relieve the pressure when Julia screamed.
She whirled around, brandishing the knife, only to see that Julia’s scream had been one of delight. “Justin!” she cried. “You came!”
She had invited him over to see her trucks after dinner yesterday, when Valerie had dragged her home before she got a chance to show him at grandma’s. Justin had been a good sport about it, saying that he would, though Valerie got the feeling he wasn’t there for the trucks.
“Of course, little one,” he said, crouching down to her level. He looked over at Valerie, still holding the knife, and smiled nervously. “Though I also need to talk to your mom for a little bit if that’s okay with you.”
Julia nodded. “They’re not ready for you anyway,” she said. “I’ll show you after we eat. I’m too hungry right now for trucks.”
When Valerie realized she was still holding up her knife, she gently put it down on the counter. Justin approached her. “Decent place you got here,” he said.
“Uh, thanks.” Valerie went back to her pasta sauce. The lid now turned easily. “We just moved in.”
“I can come back later if this isn’t a good time,” Justin offered, looking at the stovetop.
Valerie sighed. “She’ll be pissed if I send you away now. You may as well stay for dinner.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, no, it’s okay.” She managed a smile. “I’m glad to see you again. I didn’t think I would be.”
Justin’s eyes grew soft, but Valerie stopped him before he could say anything.
“Later,” she said. “After dinner.” Then, with a smile, “After trucks.”
Valerie was no grade A chef, but Julia never knew the difference. Having Justin over was the first person she’d invited over for dinner that wasn’t a member of her family since she’d had Julia. It was nerve wracking, but kind of nice. She was worried that he would think her common for making pasta and canned sauce, but he ate it up heartily.
“Whoa, kid,” Justin said, smiling at Julia from across the table. “You’re like a little pasta monster.”
Julia smiled, her mouth red around the edges.
“Yeah, she’s always been a good eater,” Valerie commented. “I don’t know where she could have gotten that from.” She winked at Justin. He seemed delighted that she wasn’t being standoffish anymore, and he smiled back.
After dinner, Julia showed Justin each of her trucks. She told him all of their names and chastised him when he forgot them. They drove them around the living room, making little truck noises while Valerie cleaned the kitchen and poured glasses of wine for her and Justin. She figured they would need it.
It was so nice seeing the way he was with Julia. She was almost positive that he would have been just as good with her if he didn’t know that she was his. He just seemed like that kind of guy. She remembered how he had always been so kind to her when he was over while Steven had to babysit her when they were kids. Since Steven was a couple years older, he had always taken the opportunity to bully her like older brothers did. But Justin had always been so patient. And now he was still patient. It made her heart hurt to watch.
Had she made a mistake in not telling him? It was really beginning to look like it.
When Julia’s eyes began to droop, she insisted she wasn’t tired. Valerie had heard that once or twice before, so she simply told her that it was time for bed and that she’d hear no excuses.
“But I want to hang out with Justin,” she complained.
“Don’t worry, Jelly Bean,” he said. “I’ll be around.”
Valerie’s heart absolutely soared. Not only had he said he’d be around, but he’d called Julia by her nickname. It was like she was seeing a scene from a movie of the way her life could have been. That made her heart hurt too. It was the good kind of hurt, though. At least, she thought it was.
She took Julia down the hall and helped her brush her teeth and get changed for bed. After she’d gotten Julia to settle down, Valerie began the walk back to the living room, her heart heavy in her throat.
“Hey,” she said when she reached the living room. “Thanks for waiting.”
Justin was sitting on the couch, leaning back into the pillows with a satisfied smile on his face. “Of course,” he said. “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”
It shouldn’t have struck Valerie that he said it like that quite as much as it did. It was pretty clear to her that he wanted in on Julia’s life, even if she didn’t know to what extent. She would be very surprised if he told her that he wanted to keep pretending that Julia wasn't his. Surprised and disappointed. But that wasn’t what made Valerie so sad.
She wanted him. She’d always wanted Justin. She’d had a crush on him since the first time she met him, when they were both kids, and he was her older brother’s friend with perpetually messy hair. That crush had blossomed into something more when they’d both grown, and he’d turned into a strapping teenager and her a love-struck one.
And now she wanted Justin the man, who was so great with her daughter. Their daughter. And who had green eyes that were at times the forest and at times the sea. She knew that he’d felt something for her back in the day. They’d both felt a lot of something. But it was unlikely that he felt anything now, when he had a glamorous lifestyle and probably girls on tap back in Boston.
And that made Valerie sad.
She pushed all that to the back of her head and though
t of her daughter as she sat down on the other end of the couch, curling up into it sideways so that she could look at him.
“So,” she said. “You didn’t run away after all.”
Justin took a sip of the wine she’d left him, and she reached over to the coffee table to where she’d left hers.
“No, I didn't run away.” A little half smile tugged at his lips. “I can’t believe I’m a dad.”
“That smile will be worn off of you before you know it,” she joked. Then her expression grew serious. “But you’re not obligated to do anything you don’t want to do. We’ve been okay, Jelly Bean and I. We’ll keep being okay if this isn’t what you want.”
Justin blinked, furrowing his brow. “Of course I want this. It’s a surprise, yeah, but it’s not a bad one.” He put his wine on the table and turned to face Valerie. “Val, I’m not a dumb kid anymore. I’m an adult with a great career. I can be a dad.” He sighed. “I wish I had been a dad earlier. I feel horrible that you felt you had to raise her on your own.”
Valerie grimaced. The guilt had started eating away at her the moment he got down and played with those trucks. His eyes had been so bright, a smile constantly on his lips. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I don’t want you to feel sorry.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” It wasn’t accusing, just curious. This confrontation was not going the way Valerie had ever pictured. She had fantasized about it going like this once or twice, but had never realistically imagined he’d be so...great.
“I was afraid,” she said. If she was going to be honest, she was going to be starkly honest. “I was terrified, really. And it was selfish of me. The main reason I told myself that I didn’t tell you was that I didn’t want to hold you back from your dreams. But there was another big reason. I couldn't face the fact the you would probably reject me and Jelly Bean. I think that’s why I never came looking for you after things had settled down in your life a bit more.”
Justin’s eyes were wide and understanding. There was an air of calm about him. But then again, when hadn’t there been? That was the one thing she’d always been able to rely on with Justin. For all the times she was bristling with energy, negative or positive, Justin had always been the one who had been able to calm her down. Just by being around her, he’d kept her stable. Kept her grounded.
