“Sweetie, if they were your strings, I wouldn’t have had a problem.”
She almost gave him a smile. “Ethan…I don’t…I’ve been on my own for a long time and things run well. I don’t like relying on people because they always fail me, even though so far you haven’t.” She paused to sweep her arm in some sort of circular motion around him. “You’ve come through for me.” Her brow furrowed, and he tried to keep calm even though he felt like crap, because he wasn’t going to come through for her in the end. In the end, he’d end up hurting her. He shouldn’t have started any of this, but when he looked down at her, blue eyes staring into his with vulnerability and trust…it killed him. He couldn’t walk away from her.
“Ethan, you are so much more than I expected, but my life is a shit-show most days. I have a mother that requires more help than a child, a dependent attitude-filled teenage sister, and a disabled dog. I was raised in low-income housing, never met my dad, and did groceries regularly at the food bank. These designer clothes I’m wearing are the first I’ve ever owned, and they’re because of you. I’m not telling you this so that you can feel bad for me. I’m grateful to you, more than I’ll ever be able to tell you—and I will pay you back, with interest.”
He cleared his throat because it was filled with emotion. Everything she’d just said made him want to tell his family to go to hell and just spend the rest of his life with Allie. He was turning into Jackson. “Allie, there is no way in hell—”
“But I don’t want any of this permanently. This is not me. I like simple things. I don’t like keeping up appearances.”
He shrugged. “I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about appearances.”
“I want real, Ethan.”
“Then I guess I’ll have to show you real again,” he said, lifting his hands to cup her face. Her skin was soft and her breath hitched as he made contact with her.
“Seriously, I’m not joking. Do not kiss me again until I finish what I’m saying.”
“Go ahead, you were saying something about needing real.”
“Right,” she said, licking her lips quickly and looking at his mouth. He fought his urge to smile.
“Maybe you got me all wrong. Maybe you just don’t know enough about me.” He ran his thumb along her cheekbone, wanting to convince her that he was more than who she thought. “I like your sister and Hook. As for your mother, who am I to judge? You should meet my family.”
She gave him a small smile. “I get that, but it’s not what I mean…you and I would never work.”
“You think I’m shallow.”
She shook her head then nodded. He laughed and tried not to take it too personally.
“I don’t, Ethan. Sometimes I get this hint of someone else, like that day you kicked me out of your office. I’ve known you for three years, and I’ve been living at your place for almost two weeks, but I still don’t feel like I know you. I don’t know anything more about you than I did when we first met. I get that you didn’t want me in your office for whatever reason, but I think your reaction was still…weird.”
He winced and then pulled her into his arms. He was surprised when he felt her arms wrap around his waist. He didn’t want to tell her, he didn’t want her sympathy, or even worse, he didn’t want to be seen as someone weak. She felt she didn’t know him, but he didn’t know how to be any more real without delving into a part of himself that he didn’t feel comfortable with. He didn’t like that Ethan.
He liked the Ethan who kicked ass at work, who kicked ass at the gym, and was in control of his life. He didn’t like thinking of the kid who had no control over anything. “I’m sorry about that, sweetie,” he said against the top of her head. Allie smelled like the outdoors and some kind of flowery shampoo. He was sorry he’d hurt her that day, and he was sorry he couldn’t let her in. What the hell was he supposed to do now? She was basically telling him that she thought he was hollow. So his choices were to let Allie go and keep all his shit safely inside, or open up to her and…
“I know, but you still didn’t tell me…there are things that I saw.” He pulled back, taking a step away. Her eyes were on him, sharp. “We should probably get back to the shelter or it’ll be too late to trim the tree.”
“You’re right. Let’s see if Spam was able to get the tree on top of my SUV.”
“Sam. His name is Sam.”
Chapter Eight
An hour later, Allie was standing on the street corner watching Ethan lug the tree into the shelter. He was refusing to let her help, so she held the door open for him. Denise rushed over, as did a few of the kids to watch him.
She smiled as Max decided to join Ethan and help bring the tree into the main room.
“Thanks, man,” Ethan said as Max held the tree while he assembled the base he’d purchased on their way there. Allie tried to focus on the conversation with the group that surrounded them, and not on how hot Ethan looked taking charge of everything. This was stuff she always had to do. He’d stepped in and done everything with ease. Spending the day with him, just the two of them had been…nice as well as revealing.
He had been jealous of Sam. She’d hoped he would have opened up to her and maybe let her in. Instead, he’d proven the whole crazy attraction thing she’d been after. He’d made her forget everything. She had never been kissed like that—well, she had the night before. Now she knew she hadn’t been dreaming, and apparently she’d told the man she wanted to lick his face. That was the last time she was drinking by herself.
Today he’d taken over, kissed her like he wanted her, with a passion that was all consuming, but when she questioned him, he’d shut her down. He tossed his coat on one of the armchairs and was now securing the tree with Max while another one of the boys held the tree in position. She should have been pulling the boxes of decorations over, not checking out him or the muscles that seemed to take his Henley to a whole new level.
She shouldn’t be thinking about any of that. She should be remembering that Ethan was emotionally unavailable. So, great, the one guy who managed to rock her world with just a kiss was closed off emotionally. “Wipe up your drool, Missy,” Denise whispered in her ear.
Allie covered her face. “It’s so true, I am drooling.”
“With good cause. I just hope you don’t mess this up.”
Allie frowned at her friend. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
Denise put her arm around her shoulder. “I mean, when you guys get close, or he wants to get close, you shut down and come up with five thousand excuses as to why you’d never work.”
“I really hate that you know so much about me,” she whispered, still watching Ethan interact with the kids as he secured the tree. She and Denise had bonded almost instantly and after putting in long nights and days together, they had both opened up about their pasts. She knew just as much about her friend.
“Allie, what do you think?”
Ethan’s deep voice rang out across the room, and she guiltily whipped her gaze away from his chest to his eyes. He was standing by the tree, asking her if it was in the right position. He was looking so delicious and sweet and sexy…she cleared her throat and nodded rapidly. “Perfect. Let’s start stringing the lights.”
Denise rummaged through a box and then handed her a giant ball of tangled lights. “Good luck keeping your eyes on the lights,” she whispered.
Ethan walked over to them and held his hand out. “I’ll get this done in five minutes.”
Allie tried not to laugh. “Have you ever done this?”
He took the lights. “It’s a bunch of lights. Big deal.”
Half an hour later, Allie reminded Ethan for the tenth time not to swear out loud. The kids seemed to think it was hilarious. Hot chocolate was being passed around, and they were helping unpack the decorations. Ethan seemed to be making progress, despite his vocal frustration.
“Huh. I think we’re going on thirty-five minutes now. Seems like half an hour longer than—”
“Done,
” he said triumphantly, standing with the lights completely unraveled. Everyone clapped and whistled.
He held up his hands, smiling. The man had just successfully charmed and won over a room full of teenagers, her, and Denise. “Thanks. Who knows how to string these?”
“Allie does,” one of the girls called out.
“Yup. I’m the expert.” She held out her hands for the first string of lights and started walking to the ladder. “Also, I know enough not to put a ridiculous timeline on such things.” She gave Ethan a smirk just as she walked into the ladder. He quickly held it still for her. It was that damn smile of his that was all distracting.
“Denise, I think we need Christmas music,” she said as she climbed the ladder to the top. She looked down and caught Ethan staring at her in that way that made her body feel like it was a furnace about to explode, because his eyes weren’t on hers, not right away. They roamed lazily up her body until they reached her eyes. By that time she was regretting wearing a wool sweater. She should have been dressed for the tropics.
“Don’t fall,” he said, handing her the first string of lights with one hand and lightly holding on to her hip with the other.
“Thanks for the advice,” she said, trying to concentrate on getting the lights tightly wrapped around the top branches and not the feel of his hand on her body.
Ethan stood in the cramped room drinking coffee and admiring Allie as she mingled with the teens. Everyone loved her; it was obvious in the ease with which most of them addressed her, the casual rapport she had with them. She laughed, she teased, and she spoke gently to the more distant ones.
He looked around, taking in the space. It had actually been a fun night. The kids were now filtering out and the room was almost empty. Allie and Denise were in the dining room and he’d told her he’d wait here for her. The Christmas tree cast a warm glow to the room and it did truly feel like a home, even though it was shelter for kids who didn’t have a home. But all the youth workers and support staff made it feel real. Feeling…something she accused him of being unable to. Was he incapable of feeling? Of course not. Yet, he was lacking in that department according to Allie.
He glanced over at her. Her brown hair was piled slightly crazily atop her head, held together with a big clip. Her red sweater clung to the curves he found himself admiring every day. Her smile was gorgeous, and her eyes twinkled as she laughed with a few girls. So, see, he felt things. He felt lots of things, besides the obvious.
Ethan sat down on the couch that was now empty and contemplated this lack of feeling comment while he waited for Allie. A kid sat on an armchair opposite him, propping his feet on the coffee table. He was the same teen he’d seen that first night he’d picked Allie up.
Ethan stared at the kid’s sour expression. He knew that expression—it was the universal closed-off, mutinous face worn by every teenager at some point in time. He knew this kid probably thought he couldn’t relate to him, and hell, he couldn’t in a lot of ways, except one.
“You like it here?”
Max shrugged, hunkered farther down into the cushions, and settled into a scowl. Allie happened to walk by at that moment, and Ethan watched as the kid’s gaze trailed her appreciatively.
“You like her?”
Max jerked his head toward him, a funny red creeping up his neck. “She’s cool.”
“She is.”
“She your girlfriend?”
Ethan paused. “No. Just a good friend.”
“So you’re an idiot.”
He bit back a laugh and stretched out his legs. The couch wasn’t exactly comfortable but it was clean. “Sometimes people don’t want to ruin a good thing, so they don’t move forward.”
Max bent his head and pretended to study whatever it was in his notebook. “Don’t you have anything better to do on Saturday? You look like you’re somebody important.”
Ethan shrugged. “I’m waiting for Allie to finish up. I wanted to come here tonight.”
“What do you do?”
“I own a tech company.”
“Really? That sounds cool.”
He nodded. “It is pretty cool.” See? He could relate to people. He could feel things. Right now he felt genuine concern for these kids and this kid in particular.
“I bet you need a lot of money to start up a company.”
Ethan sat up. “Not really, but it doesn’t hurt. My buddy didn’t have any money. He got a full scholarship to one of the best schools in the country. When we graduated we started up.”
“Yeah, but I bet you bankrolled it.” There was an edge in his voice, like he’d already decided he couldn’t do something like that.
“No, he wouldn’t let me because he didn’t want to be indebted to me. We started out of a basement apartment. We made some lucky connections and got a few lucky breaks, but we worked our asses off and took a lot of risks. Anyone can do that.”
Max shrugged, his expression closing up again and hiding the spark of interest Ethan had spotted.
“Yeah, well, it’s stupid to waste my time dreaming about shit that will never happen. I’d never get into a school like that. I fucked up my first two years of high school.”
“That doesn’t matter. Fix it now.”
Max rubbed his head with a frustrated sigh. “I’m trying.”
“This seems like a place that can help you.”
“It is.”
“It’s not too late. You’re like, what, fifteen?”
“Sixteen.” He said it like it was the equivalent to eighty.
“So get your ass in gear and get your grades up.”
Max grabbed his books in a huff, and Ethan felt bad for being so blunt with him. “Hey, man, I was just trying to offer you some advice.”
“Yeah, well, the last thing I need is advice from some rich prick who thinks he’s doing Good Samaritan work and impressing some chick he wants to bang. Save it for someone who actually gives a shit.”
He watched his first attempt at motivating a troubled teen storm out of the room. He let out a deep breath. Shit. He thought Dani was a lot to handle. How the hell did Allie do this all day?
He glanced down at his watch. She should be finished anytime now. He stood and walked over to the Christmas tree. It was nice. Everyone had done a good job. Nothing fancy but it made the main gathering room seem festive. He wondered how many of these kids had had one of these growing up. He’d had one in every single room of his childhood home. They were all grand. They all had a different color scheme depending on the room’s decor, and they all reached the twelve-foot ceilings yet not a damn one evoked the warmth this one did.
Guilt danced around his mind as he thought of that Max kid. He heard soft voices in the hallway and after a few seconds of listening he recognized them as Allie and Max. He looked in the direction of the door and saw Max give her a smile—it was a half-smile and then he looked down. Allie was smiling back at him and emotion hit him in the gut, rendering him incapable of moving. She had this light about her, a glow, an inherent goodness that begged and screamed at the best pieces of him to come forward. It made him want to forget all the reasons he couldn’t have Allie, the foremost being that he wasn’t good enough for a woman like that. He would hurt her, and he would disappoint her, and seeing disappointment from her would kill him. But knowing her even better than before was making it impossible for him to stay away. For once in his life he wanted the good, he wanted to surround himself with people that forced him to be better, to be bigger than the small world he lived in.
Allie reminded him of Nurse Annie. Annie had been like a mother to him, and sometimes when he’d be sick and scared and lying in that hospital bed at night, he’d make silly little wishes and would ask God to make Annie his mom. He knew that it couldn’t possibly happen, of course, but Annie would hold him like she knew he needed someone to hold on to him, because he’d be scared he would disappear and be taken from the world when he shut his eyes. Annie made him believe he would always be here.
He blinked back the moisture in his eyes and focused on the little gold angel on the tree. He still thought of Annie, fleeting thoughts, and he’d quickly bury them. But this time of year brought out all those memories. He had never ventured back there, never went to see Annie again even though he promised he would. He made his donations, the largest donations he made anywhere, and he had gifts sent to the kids every year, but he never went back. In days he’d be forced to revisit the part of his past no one knew about. It was like his own little personal hell that rose up and attempted to choke him once a year.
“I’m all ready to go.” Allie’s voice sweetly brought him back to where he was now, and he turned to her. He didn’t move for a moment, finding it hard to transition out of his reflective state and deal with a present that didn’t allow him to be real and open. Allie would hold someone like that. She’d hold on and will her strength and goodness into the other person.
“Ethan? You okay?”
He nodded, finding his voice, reminding himself of why it was better not to think of crap like this. Feeling was highly overrated. “Great.” He walked across the room to grab his coat and shrugged into it.
“You okay? You look a little less like you’re ready to conquer the world.”
He smiled, taking in the hat and scarf. She was gorgeous at the end of a long day, bundled up for winter. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known, inside and out. And selfish bastard that he was, he wanted a part of it.
He grabbed her hand, and she followed along. He needed to get outside, to have her to himself, before he remembered all the reasons he couldn’t have her, before he remembered he was going to break her heart and the heart of everyone in this place. A gush of cold air and tumbling snow greeted them as they emerged from the warm shelter.
The Billionaire's Christmas Proposal (Billionaire For Christmas #2) Page 11
