by Justin Go
Ashley bought an Austin Seven saloon and drove to Snowdonia, staying in small inns and double-timing the same paths where he had first learned of mountains. He walked all the daylight hours and sometimes longer, finding that he could overcome fatigue simply by going on, that he could recuperate even while moving. He developed special techniques for breathing that he intended to use at altitude, drawing rhythmic and nourishing breaths that kept pace with his steps. He craved any and every advantage. He wished to know the secret strengths of wild creatures, the raw musculature of animals he had seen in his travels through field glasses or silhouetted in the moonlight beside a glassy mere: the Swiss ibex, the fringe-eared oryx, the Arabian gazelle.
At the new year Ashley drove south and took a cottage on the Pembrokeshire coast. He spent dawn and dusk in fevered sprints along the shore, striding on sand and water and glimmering sea foam, racing the seagulls spiraling above him. He would lift his head as he dashed in ever-longer strides, the birds above wheeling and diving, then soaring with one flap of their wings ten yards beyond him, always just beyond, Ashley chasing with deeper gasping breaths until he had to stop, wheezing, a thousand yards down the strand. He sucked in the air. The cold waves broke over his shins, the gulls floating above him.
Ashley would race anything. He raced the sailboats half a league offshore; he raced the breeze and his own shadow. He raced against Price and Somervell and all of the strongest climbers in Europe, chasing them in a dead heat up some imagined alpine ridge, or picturing with fury how Price would overtake him on Everest’s North Col, were he to betray an inch of slackness. Later Ashley decided none of these men was fast enough, so he sprinted against Paavo Nurmi or Eric Liddell, or any runner he heard accounts of on the wireless.
But most of all he would run for the idea of her, or the agony it drove him to, for pride and pain were equally ruthless horsemen. He raced against imagined rivals for her affection, faceless specters always faster than he, tall and lean athletes supple of limb and muscle. These Ashley could beat only through sheer force of will, for he knew his will was stronger even as his body was weaker, and on his better days Ashley let himself triumph. For he wanted her more than they did. He wanted the mountain nearly as much.
—So it is you.
Price taps Ashley on the shoulder and pulls out the opposite chair. He hangs his attaché case from a hook beneath the table.
—Sorry I’m late, Price adds. Had another row with Hinks.
—What about?
—Money, as usual. The man imagines I can use all the same kit from two years ago, and risk my neck with it. What are you having? Bitter?
Price goes to the bar and returns with two glasses of ale.
—It’s strange to see you in England, Ashley. You do look well. Where are you staying?
—I’ve taken some rooms just around the corner.
—Then you’re finally settling here?
—No. Ashley smiles. Not quite.
—Too much to hope, I suppose. How was Wales? I heard about your training. You’ve grown serious in your old age. Is it true you hired a coach? Farrar told me—
—It’s not true, Ashley interrupts. But I’m fitter than ever.
—Grand. You’ll need everything you’ve got.
—I know.
Price claps Ashley on the back.
—I say, it is good to see you in Blighty. How’s it been treating you?
—Not bad. Feel a bit out of sorts.
—That’s to be expected. You’ve been away a long time. But the committee’s certainly confident about you. In fact, this year’s climbing party is leagues ahead of the last show. All the old fools agree Everest’s a sure bet this time.
—What do you think?
Price hesitates. He takes a long draft of beer.
—You know, I was hoping they wouldn’t let me go. The syndicate, the committee, I wished for any damned thing that would get in the way of going back.
—You could have refused.
—I could have, Price admits. But Everest is not so easy to give up, once she’s taken hold of you.
Price frowns, scratching the woodgrain of the table with his fingernail. He looks up at Ashley.
—You must see the mountain for yourself. Then you’ll understand. The Himalaya are not the Alps. It isn’t as if Everest is Mont Blanc, only thirteen thousand feet taller. That’s what chaps like Hinks will never understand. We shan’t be starting off from a comfortable hotel, fat as schoolchildren with pink cheeks. The march across Tibet is horrid. Half of us will be poorly by the time we reach the base camp. And the altitude. It’s impossible to say precisely how ill one will be, but it’s generally somewhere between nausea and death. Finally the climbing. The colonel has one notion of how we ought to get up, I’ve another. We’re meant to work it out as we cross the plateau. But neither of us really knows what’s at the top.
Price pauses, his face clouded with misgiving.
—I’m telling you things you already know.
—I know enough to be scared.
Price raises his eyebrows. —Scared? You’re scared? Half the reason the committee didn’t want you last time was they thought you’d lead your party into some catastrophe. They say you’re too fearless to have any judgment—
—I know what they say, Ashley breaks in. But I’m scared anyway. As you say, it’s not the Alps, I’ve never been there. No matter how much I read about Everest or the Himalaya, it’s all a great mystery to me. It’s not only the height. Everything’s different up there. The way the glaciers run—
—You’ll work it out. You’ve always had the instinct for it.
—There’s something else, Ashley adds. I’ve been having dreams about the mountain.
Price waves his hand dismissively.
—Everyone has those dreams.
—Perhaps they do. Only tell me something, Hugh. I know why I’m going, but why are you? Why go back if you don’t want to? Why go back if it’s so ghastly?
Price takes another drink. He shrugs.
—Wait until you’ve been there. Then you’ll know.
They have a second round of beer, then Price says he must be going. The two men shake hands on the pavement. When Price’s taxi has left, Ashley goes back into the saloon and orders a double measure of Vat 69. Although the barman cannot see Ashley’s face, he has recognized his voice or clothing, for as he pours the whisky he says, —Couldn’t stay away, sir?
—I suppose not.
Ashley unfolds his newspaper on the bar. As the barman sets the drink before him, Ashley pushes a panel in the screen above the bar; a square is opened and Ashley looks the barman in the eye. He is an older man, bald with a bushy gray mustache and a stout red neck. The barman’s collar has been unfastened, his necktie loosened.
—You know, Ashley says, tonight was the first I’d been to a public house in five years.
—Then I’d say you’re entitled to make up for lost time.
The barman is polishing glasses with a white cloth. Through the open square Ashley glimpses the customers in the public bar, men in flat caps or bareheaded, their backs turned to him. There is a woman’s voice coming from the other end, but Ashley cannot see her face. He turns the page of his newspaper, noticing an article in a boxed column.
POST FROM THE PEAK OF EVEREST HOW TO RECEIVE LETTERS FROM THE SUMMITSPECIAL STAMPS
An avalanche of an entirely new character threatens members of the Mount Everest Expedition which leaves England next Friday. They have a beautiful stamp of special design printed, and I am authorized to announce that anyone desiring to possess one from the top of Mount Everest may do so for a couple of pennies. The postal avalanche has already begun. Capt J.B.L. Noel, the special photographer of the expedition, gives the following details of the plan –
Ashley taps the newspaper triumphantly, pushing it toward the barman with an impish smile.
—Let me ask you something. Have you heard of these expeditions to Mount Everest in the Himalaya?
&
nbsp; —Of course. They’re all over the papers.
—Then it might interest you to know the fellow who was sitting with me a moment ago was Hugh Price, the alpinist. The best in England, in fact. He’s the one who found a route up Everest, and he’s climbing leader for the next expedition.
—Price, the barman repeats. Was he the one who got all them porters killed last time?
—There was an avalanche, yes. Some of the porters were swept away—
—They didn’t climb the mountain neither, did they?
—No.
—If you ask me, it sounds a fool’s errand. Climbing a mountain just to say you done it. Is he going to try again?
—He is. The expedition leaves next Friday.
The barman shrugs. —To each his own.
—Indeed.
Ashley reads the rest of the article, a promotional piece for the expedition photographer’s feature film of Mount Everest, to be screened on the party’s triumphant return to England. Ashley orders another double whisky and the barman pushes it across the bar.
—You’re going too, aren’t you, sir? You’re going to climb the mountain.
—That’s right. How did you know?
—I guessed it when you first spoke of it. I saw your picture in the paper too, I believe. I recognized the look of you. Very serious. And you not being in a public house all these years.
—Of course. Are you the landlord here?
—Had it eleven years.
Ashley nods and takes a drink of whisky. Absently he watches the barman polishing glasses. Ashley reaches into his coat and takes out his pocketbook.
—My name’s Walsingham. My rooms are just around the corner, on Lansdowne Terrace.
Ashley counts out five ten-pound banknotes. He sets the bills on the bar.
—Look for me in the papers, Ashley continues, because I’m going to climb Mount Everest. And when I get back to London, the first thing I’m going to do is come into this pub and use this money to buy champagne for everyone who happens to be in here. On both sides of this screen. Have you any champagne?
—No sir.
—Well, no matter, I’ll buy anyone whatever they like. But if I don’t climb the mountain, I’ll be back to reclaim this money as a consolation prize. You lose nothing either way. How does that strike you?
—Very generous, sir.
Ashley pushes the notes across the bar. He shakes hands with the publican.
—One more thing. If I don’t come back at all—and you’ll hear if I don’t—you’re to take this money and buy everyone in the public bar drinks for the whole night, the same night you hear I’m dead. Remember, all the drinks until the money’s gone.
The publican hesitates, perhaps finding something distasteful in this last agreement. But in the end Ashley persuades him.
When Ashley leaves the pub he is teetering only slightly. He pauses with his heels perched on the curb, testing his balance, his eyes searching for the moon above. Long trails of clouds coast across the night sky.
Ashley gropes through his coat pockets. He has left behind his wallet somewhere—in the club at luncheon perhaps, or on the counter at the bank, or on the bar of the public house. No, here it is. The wallet in hand, Ashley crosses Guilford Street and turns onto Lansdowne Terrace. With some difficulty he unlocks his front door, climbing the stairs two at a time. He sinks into a deep armchair in the corner of the sitting room, not his own chair, for the flat had come ready furnished. There is an electric lamp beside him with a mica shade, but Ashley does not switch it on.
I don’t need the light, he thinks. I can do without it all the long night.
The arc light flares outside the uncurtained window, a corona of brilliant white sufficient for Ashley to read his folded newspaper. But the articles fail to hold his attention. He is anything but tired. He could take a book from the bedroom, but he knows it would not divert him. Ashley thinks of his fifty pounds, drawn out today at a counter in Cannon Street, the banknotes now tucked in the pocket of the bullnecked publican. He will return to the bank tomorrow to draw more cash. He will have a different clerk, or if he has the same clerk, no one would know he had squandered the last sum on a silly wager with a publican.
Ashley throws the newspaper onto the floor. He thinks of the five years he has been gone from England. The interval was nothing now that he had returned and it would have been the same had he been gone a decade. So too with the training. Now that it was over its hardships seemed nearly fictitious, save for the lean sinews of his build, the way he hardly drew a heavy breath from any kind of exertion.
Ashley thinks of his body as it is now, alone in the armchair in the darkened room looking onto Coram’s Fields, his trunk and valises still unpacked in the corner. The wager: fifty pounds. And something else, the reason he had been gone five years. The reason he set himself against any trial he felt unequal to. Ashley dares not consider it too directly, for like a solar eclipse viewed through smoked glasses, it is only by gazing with an oblique perspective that he can preserve his sight.
It can’t only be her, he thinks. It must have been part of me before we ever met.
But if it is not only her, it is somehow still twinned with the memory of her, for there was no other force that could lend him such resilience. And yet the lunacy of it all. Staking your whole being on a frivolous dare, imagining you could master the Dent d’Hérens or the Rub’ al Khali or Mount Everest, when you were but a child before them, escaping only by their fickle mercy. Accomplishing nothing save some indulgent acrobatics of the ego. Climbing a mountain just to say you done it. Ashley strains to remember how it had been different in the early years, when he had loved simply to be among wild places, without the need to compete against them. Had the war changed this? That was too facile, for he had always loved to win, and yet this obsession with conquest seemed to have come after the war—not even conquest but only the prevention of failure, anything but a surrender to the superior forces that enveloped him.
It is a great mistake, Ashley knows. But if he does not go on—if he loses nerve or his courage falters—he will be unable to stand himself. He fears that most of all, more than death even. It was like the desert had been, at first only the question of what he was after, the notion of a city lost among the sands, awaiting him. Then later, once he knew he would never find that spectral city, only the question of himself—of what he could endure without giving in, of what it meant to persevere over a trifle. Imogen is no trifle. But it was even madder with her, the months of futile searching after the war, pleading for answers from her family and friends when he knew they would never tell him anything, when he doubted they knew anything themselves. By the time Ashley left for Kenya he had given this up, for it made him sick to look for her when he knew she did not want to be found.
Ashley remembers the first night he spent with Imogen, after they looked for the key in Regent’s Park. They walked across the whole West End until the sky turned sapphire over the rooftops on Haymarket and Imogen put her arm through Ashley’s. In the dark window of a tobacconist he caught their reflection, Imogen walking very close to him and clasping his arm tightly. A boy came up the street on a bicycle loaded with newspapers, staring for long seconds as he rode past, and for the first time in his life Ashley felt what it was to be seen with the woman he loved. He had thought he would know that feeling for the rest of his life. But it had not even lasted a week.
What sets Ashley apart? What is the reason he will not settle to writing poetry and trimming his rosebushes in Berkshire, or taking lamb chops for luncheon every day at a club on Pall Mall? Is it strength or only stubbornness, only foolish pride that keeps him so? Whatever it is, it had dangled contentment always at arm’s length, while he supposes Imogen achieved happiness for herself long ago, without the need to risk her life to feel alive, nor to know who she is. And who would Ashley be without his love for her, without this reckless ardor that made him dare and waver and dare again?
Ashley switches on the lamp
and opens a book of Nepali phrases. He will study these until he falls asleep. It will all be clear soon enough.
THE MANAGER
It’s ten in the evening in Düsseldorf when I board the night train to Berlin. I’ve been on trains for five hours now and I won’t reach Berlin until morning.
There are five other bunks in my sleeper and it’s hot and stuffy inside. After a few hours in bed I can’t sleep anymore, so I walk to the dining compartment. The snack bar is shuttered, but there’s a coffee machine and I stay up until dawn drinking Milchkaffee from small plastic cups, thinking about Berlin and Everest and Ashley’s telegram. I pull out my notebook and pen.
Sept 14
City Night Line, Düsseldorf–Berlin.
In April 1924 Imogen was in Berlin. Or at least Ashley thought she was. But why was she there? How much contact did she have with Ashley, or with Eleanor and Charlotte?
I’d better find something in Berlin.
It’s still dark when the train pulls into the station. The sign reads BERLIN HAUPTBAHNHOF. I step through the doors and look up at the soaring glass roof, the white face of the platform clock. Four twenty-eight in the morning. I eat breakfast in the deserted food court. Then I check my bag at the left-luggage counter and ride the S-Bahn to a hostel in Mitte, the central district of Berlin. The day is cold and clear. After a week in rural France, Berlin seems vast and sprawling: the women watering flowerboxes on high balconies, the streets signs painted in bold sans-serif type, the sunrise glinting from the soaring orb of the television tower.
The girl at the youth hostel lets me into my room to drop off my bag and take a shower. I ride the U-Bahn to the main post office on Joachimstaler Straβe, leaning against the glass door as I wait for it to open. At eight o’clock an employee in a blue dress shirt and striped tie unlocks the door and waves me in. I ask apologetically if anyone speaks English. I’m passed between several employees, told again and again that my question falls under the jurisdiction of someone else, or that I’ll need to make an appointment with another office. Finally I’m told to wait for a manager.
