My forehead rested against his chest as I frowned.
“So this agreement… it’s to talk? To tell each other everything?”
There was a silence.
Then Revik clicked softly.
“I don’t think we should only talk,” he said after a pause. “I don’t think talking will be enough. Talking will still go through a myriad of filters, consciously or not. Humans talk and talk and talk, and their relationships are usually a mess.”
He paused, caressing the back of my neck where I leaned against him. I found myself falling into the beat of his heart, relaxing finally under his fingers.
“I thought we could share memories, Allie.” He cleared his throat, still massaging the back of my neck. “I thought we might start back in the beginning. Wherever we feel our relationship started for either of us. That’s going to be earlier for me than it is for you.”
He paused, gauging my face when I looked up.
“We can talk too,” he clarified. “We can talk about whatever you want. But I thought maybe we should actually see it. I thought we should experience it with the other person, so we know how they felt, what they thought at the time, what they didn’t know. I thought we could move from the past to our present. See it all as it actually unfolded. For each of us.”
I met his clear, crystal-colored eyes.
Nerves flickered in their depths, but I saw determination there, too.
Watching me look at him, he tilted his head in a seer’s gesture of concession.
“We could take turns,” he said. “One of us each night. Or we could just do it sequentially, so we see it as it occurred. However you want to do it, Allie.”
Pausing, he added in a lower voice,
“I wanted to take you somewhere. I wanted us to bond the way we started to bond at the cabin. Uye seems to think it would have all come out there, if we’d been able to finish.” Frowning, he gestured in another shrug. “But we can’t do that now. Not with everything going on. We could do this, though. We could do it even while we continue to work, as long as we remain on all the same ops. We could carve out time every day.”
Thinking about that, I grunted.
There wasn’t a lot of humor in it.
“This won’t be smooth, you know,” I said, glancing up. “I’m assuming you remember how sane we were the last time we bonded. With us looking at all of that in each other’s pasts, warts and all, we’re going to flip out on each other periodically. You know we will.”
Revik’s eyes grew thoughtful. He nodded.
“Yes,” he said. “I thought about that. We’ll get angry with each other… and hurt. We’ll probably misunderstand each other more at first, not less. Uye warned me about that, too. He said we never really got to the tough part of bonding in that cabin. He thinks it’s why we’ve been so distrustful of each other since. Moreover, he said breaking that halfway through damaged the bond significantly. Apparently that’s a good part of the reason seers go into seclusion to do it. It’s not just privacy, which is usually how it’s phrased to young seers or couples interested in doing this. It’s actually dangerous to seers to stop in the middle like that.”
I turned over his words, frowning as he massaged my neck.
It explained a lot.
It also made me wonder why Tarsi and Vash never said anything.
Then again, Vash constantly encouraged me to do what I could to bond with Revik. Even when Revik was Syrimne, he encouraged this. Maybe he thought it would work its way out on its own, once we had enough time together.
Maybe it even would have, if Revik and I hadn’t been put together then torn apart so many times––either from our own doing, or by Menlim and the Dreng, or by Terian.
Looking up at him, I frowned. “I think it’s a good idea, Revik. I mean that. But do you really think we should do it now? We have to go after Brooks. We have to deal with Chandre. Then there’s the Dreng. Possibly Menlim.”
Meeting my gaze, he nodded.
“I know it’s not risk-free,” he said. “But I also think there are significant risks around us being in the middle of this and not being fully bonded. Personally, I like those risks less. Then again, I know I’m coming into this biased. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to wait at all. For personal reasons.”
He paused, studying my eyes, his own utterly still.
“And that’s not the real question, anyway, Allie,” he said, soft. “Not the first question, at least. I’ve told you what I want. I want to fix our marriage. I want to finish the bond. I’m telling you how I think we might do that, if that ends up being something we both want.” He paused. “What do you want, Alyson?”
Looking up at him, I felt my chest tighten.
I thought about what he was saying, pushing aside the details of the how, of the why. It hit me again that some part of me was angry at him for even asking the question, even after Jem and everything of the past ten months.
This all felt like a decision I’d made a long time ago.
A lifetime ago, maybe.
My uncertainty wasn’t about me, or even about what I might learn if we started sharing memories, like we had in the tank. My uncertainty had never been about me, or how I felt.
My uncertainty was about him.
He was right. My father was right.
I didn’t trust him.
But that didn’t have anything to do with what I wanted. What I’d wanted hadn’t changed at all, in all the time I’d known him.
“I want to fix this.” I bit my lip, motioning with the hand that wasn’t gripping the front of his shirt. “I want to fix this, Revik. I want to finish the bond. I want to raise our kids together. I want this to be our child. Not just mine. Ours.”
There was another silence where I just sat there, looking down.
“I’m nervous about this, about what you’re proposing,” I admitted.
I looked up, meeting his gaze. My heart rose to my throat when I saw how bright his eyes were. I forced myself to go on, averting my gaze with an effort.
“…But I think you’re right. I think we need to do this. And I don’t want to wait. Maybe it’s stupid, but I don’t want to wait even another day. We’ve waited long enough.”
He nodded, wiping his eyes with the heel of his hand.
For a long moment, neither of us spoke.
Then I leaned forward, resting my head against him, my forehead against his chest.
“It’s not Jem’s.” Closing my eyes when I felt Revik’s light react sharply, I shook my head. “Did Jem tell you it was? I’m not positive he knows it’s not his. But it’s not.”
There was another silence.
I felt Revik’s light grow totally still.
Realizing what he might be thinking about what I’d said, I shook my head a second time, feeling that heat in my chest worsen.
“I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else,” I clarified. “I think it’s Dragon’s. From when we were in those caves in Colorado. I don’t know if Jem told you about that––or if any of the others did.”
Still leaning my forehead against his chest, I bit my lip.
“It has to be his,” I said. “Dragon’s. Or yours. The dates aren’t right for Jem… not for how far along I am.”
Still thinking, I shook my head, still leaning against Revik’s chest.
“…There’s no possible way it could be Jem’s, anyway. We never did that. Not even when we were sharing light. If he thinks it’s his, it’s either because he wants it to be, or because he’s never tried to have children before. Maybe he’s confused because my light’s been leaning on his, like you said. From what ‘Dori told me about how he’s been acting, I suspect he’s confused. He seemed to accept I had every intention of going back to you before.”
Revik didn’t answer.
He stroked my hair, but I couldn’t tell what he was thinking at all.
“You don’t want to talk about this?” I swallowed, still looking down at his lap. “It seems pretty importa
nt, right? That we’re about to have another kid? Shouldn’t we talk about that, first? Or would you rather wait until we get there on our own?”
Pain expanded off his light, enough to cut my breath.
I felt him trying to control that too, but not fully succeeding.
As to the source of that pain, it took me a few seconds to trace it back to what I’d said.
“Do you want it to be yours?” I said, my voice lower still. “Ours, I mean? I guess that’s part of what we need to talk about. First, I mean. Before we do the rest.”
He gripped me tighter in his hands and arms. For a long moment I felt him struggle with words. His fingers coiled into my hair then, right before he clutched me tighter.
“Allie.” His voice came out gruff, pained. “I want that more than anything. I don’t want you to be worried about that. Even if it was Jem’s, I would want that. Even now, if that means sharing some kind of role with Jem, I’m totally willing to work that out with both of you. You don’t have to worry about any of that with me. I swear to you, wife, there’s nothing for you to worry about with that…”
He trailed, as if at a loss.
When I looked up, pulling somewhat out of his embrace, I saw tears in his eyes. He wiped them while I watched, and I found myself wrapping my fingers around his forearm, pulling lightly on his shirt as my light wound deeper into his.
He opened to me entirely, without hesitation.
Something in the simplicity of that made my pain a lot worse.
He took a breath while I watched, exhaling as he wiped his eyes.
“I want to ask you about Dragon,” he said, his voice lower. “But I really think we should wait, Allie. I don’t want you to worry about anything, though. I don’t want you to worry about the pregnancy, or having to raise the child alone, or me not supporting you. I’m completely here for you with that. I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going anywhere, Allie.”
I turned over his words, nodding.
“Okay,” I said.
Focusing down on his light brown skin, I stroked the tattoo on the inside of his arm, the first one he ever showed me, the barcode with the “H” symbol in black ink. I was still stroking his skin softly when I nodded again, raising my eyes back to meet his.
“Okay.” I watched him study my face with a scrutiny that brought another shiver of pain. “Who goes first? Or do you want to do it sequentially, like you said?”
When he blinked, his eyes puzzled, I quirked an eyebrow at him.
“We should start this now, right?” I said. “Before the world ends? Or a bomb drops? Or we find some way to distract each other again?”
He wiped his face, letting out a gruff laugh.
Thinking about my words, he nodded.
“We should start now. I was hoping we would.”
“Want to flip a coin?” I offered. “Loser goes first. I want tails.”
Gripping my hand tightly in both of his, he let out another involuntary-sounding laugh. He leaned closer, kissing my mouth, and pain rippled through both of our lights. He didn’t prolong the kiss, or even use his tongue, but I felt it down to my feet.
When he pulled back, his eyes held enough emotion to make that pain worse.
“I’ll go first,” he said, holding my gaze. “I think I need to. Before I overthink it.”
That time, I only nodded.
There didn’t seem to be anything more to be said.
9
ANOMALIES
“WHAT THE FUCK is this?”
“Hey!” another voice spoke up, annoyed. “Language, Dani!”
Dante looked at her mother, her eyes incredulous.
“Language?” she said, outraged. “You’re kidding, right? You know the world is ending. You know we’re surrounded by trash-talking seers––”
Vikram winced a little, unable to help himself.
Dante’s mother smoothly cut her daughter off, however.
“––All the more reason to keep a veneer of civility marginally intact,” Gina said. She glanced around at the seers, pausing to glare briefly at Jaden. “They’re not all seers, anyway.” She looked back at her daughter. “But all of them are adults. Unlike you.”
Dante scowled, and Vikram hid a grin, in spite of himself.
He liked Dante’s mother a lot.
She’d also changed the dynamic in the comp-room significantly, and mostly in good ways, in Vikram’s estimation. Dante had gotten a little too good at steamrolling all of them before her mother showed up. Her mother demonstrated, pretty much from day one, she was having none of it, and further, that she knew her daughter’s methods of getting her way all too well.
As Vikram watched, the slim, dark-haired woman returned her eyes to the rows of code she was currently hunched over, peering at with a slight scowl on her full lips.
For not the first time, he felt a passing envy of Loki, her seer boyfriend.
Dante’s mother was a very beautiful woman, and one with more than a small amount of kick to her own aleimi, human or no. He appreciated her mind more, every day.
“You know I’m your boss in here, right?” Dante said.
Gina Vasquez, mother of Daniella “Dante” Anita Vasquez, looked up. Her dark hazel eyes met the brown eyes of her daughter, taking on a harder sheen as she gave her daughter a stare that spoke volumes, despite the motionlessness of her heart-shaped face. From Dante’s facial expression, it wasn’t the first time she’d been on the receiving end of that particular expression.
In any case, Dante clearly knew exactly what that stare meant.
Backing down, she caught sight of the slight grin on Vikram’s face and glowered at him instead.
“You’re enjoying this way too much, Vik-man.” She scowled, gesturing at him in seer. “Whose bright idea was it to move my mom into tech anyway?”
“Mine,” Vikram said at once. “It was clear she had proficiency in these arts. And you approved it at the time, as I recall. Quite enthusiastically.”
“Yeah,” Dante grunted, rubbing one arm with an ink-stained hand. “Go on. Punish me for that, given I hadn’t seen her in like a year. You did this just to torture me.”
Vikram couldn’t quite squelch his amusement, nor the smile touching his lips, but he made his voice expressionless as he motioned towards her virtual portal with a few flicks of his fingers.
“What is it you were exclaiming about just now, cousin? You had news for us before your mother corrected you… what is it?”
Dante frowned, as if she’d forgotten entirely what started the argument in the first place. Then that more adult expression returned to her face, the one that showed her to be thinking about something––something technical, usually. Her gaze turned mostly inward, showing her to be focused on something inside the augmented reality of her headset.
“Dante––” Vikram began, his voice exasperated.
“Hold up, Holmes,” she muttered, raising a hand to signal patience. “Just checking something.”
Again, Vikram noticed the ink on her fingers.
She must have been messing with the squids that morning, what they called the organic hardware components they were growing in tubs in the back area of the comp-room. They managed to sequester them off in this new ship at least, so they didn’t stink up the whole tech bullpen, but the smell still lingered in their clothes.
Dante had taken an interest in the squid growing procedures of late.
Vikram had noticed that interest growing for a while, but it had turned into a full-blown obsession since Dehgoies the Sword came back from China and described the organic machine he’d encountered in that underground storage and bomb shelter facility.
Thinking about that reminded Vikram they had yet to establish contact with the Lao Hu seers trapped downstairs in that same facility. It was still a priority to get them out of there once the radiation fell to levels they could manage in suits.
Right now, that looked like it might be a few months off, if not longer.
He was still thinking about this, frowning, when Dante’s eyes clicked back into focus.
It happened so rapidly and precisely, Vikram blinked.
She looked almost like a seer when she did that. She was getting faster with the machines, too, frighteningly fast at times, almost like they were extensions of her mind.
“Those maps Loki found,” she said, looking back at him. “You remember those? They came out of that safe in D.C.”
Vikram frowned. “Which ones? There were many maps in that safe, cousin.”
“You know.” She snapped her fingers, as if trying to force him to remember. “The ones you said were somehow related to the Earth’s magnetic field. You didn’t know what they meant. You thought they were energetic hotspots of some kind? Something Presidents Caine or Wellington might have had an interest in? Then Wreg and that bald chick wanted us to check and see if they were maybe related to the Dreng’s network?”
Vikram nodded, catching up to what she meant. “Yumi. Yes. I know which ones you mean. What about them?”
He swiveled towards his own terminal as he spoke, using a scroll key to find that particular set of maps in the files he’d set aside for everything Loki’s team brought back from D.C.
Dante came to stand behind him, still using her headset.
“Something’s going on with them. A bunch of unusual electrical signals were hitting the satellites from the direction of Earth. I thought the pattern looked familiar, so I laid the D.C. map over the the compilation of the satellite maps, and there’s a correlation. Also,” she added grimly. “We missed something, Holmes. With those maps.”
Vikram was staring at her findings, which she’d just shunted over from her headset to his monitor. He still struggled to keep up with how quickly she manipulated the data sets of the machines at times.
He realized what she meant about them missing something with those maps, too.
It wasn’t exactly a small something.
“You recognized this?” he said, his voice bewildered. “You recognized the pattern from the feeds of over 200 different satellites?”
“Well… not at first.” Defensiveness crept into the young human’s voice. “They all started going off at once, so I linked the signals together so I could get a map without too much overlap. It looked kind of familiar to me then. And I remembered you said something about those magnetic places being like ‘vortices’ or something. I didn’t see the thing with the Shadow cities until I thought to overlay a regular map, not just the topographical.”
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