“It is quite all right, daughter. We completely understand.” Her eyes grew bright, right before she smiled. “Thank you so much for making time for us.”
Looking at the two of them, I felt that pain in my chest worsen exponentially.
I felt like the most callous, unfeeling daughter in the world.
Gaos… I felt like a terrible person.
Thinking about Lily made that worse. The thought of begging to see Lily when she was the age I was now, the thought of Lily hating me for what I’d done to Cass, for any one of the million things I’d done wrong with her already in her short life, made me sick to my stomach.
Realizing tears had come to my eyes, I wiped them in embarrassment, then motioned for both of them to sit, unable to speak at first.
I sat when they did.
There was another silence where we all gazed either at the table, at our hands on the table, or at the sinking sun. I fought to remember why they wanted to have this dinner, to keep my mind more or less on track with why we were all here, but it wasn’t easy.
I wanted to ask Kali about the visions, but I wasn’t sure how.
Balidor told me Kali’s visions were painful when they happened, and now that was swirling in my head too, along with more of that intense guilt, although I wasn’t even sure why that time. I wondered why the visions didn’t seem to hurt Feigran.
“It’s different for all of us,” Kali said softly.
I looked up.
When she met my gaze, I saw tears in her eyes, more prominently than before. Impulsively, I reached over the table, clasping her hand. She clasped me back, her small fingers surprisingly strong. She gripped me so hard it hurt my hand.
“Sorry,” she said, gasping a short laugh as she loosened her hold.
I was still struggling with what to say when movement behind them jerked my eyes towards the oval hatch to the stairway that led below deck. A form had appeared there.
It wasn’t Tenzi, like I expected.
It was Revik.
He’d dressed too, which maybe shouldn’t have surprised me, but still made me stare briefly. He wore a dark suit with no tie, his long hair hanging past his ears but clearly combed through with some kind of product, slicking it back slightly but giving him a borderline male model look, which was enough to make me stare.
He walked directly up to me, smiling.
Giving short, polite bows to each of my parents, he leaned down to kiss my cheek before taking his seat. Truthfully, I don’t think I’d ever been so relieved to see him, even apart from how good he looked––and smelled, now that he was closer. Something about him being there made every tense muscle in my body relax.
He glanced at my wine glass with a smile.
“Only you get a drink? That’s… convenient.”
I nudged his arm, smiling involuntarily. “Yours is coming. Don’t freak out.”
Leaning closer, he kissed me again. I felt him about to kiss me a third time when he seemed to remember himself and leaned back in his chair, flushing slightly as if realizing he was kissing me too much in front of my parents.
Uye spoke before he could.
“How did it go?” he said. “With Adhipan Balidor?”
Revik hesitated, giving me a bare look.
I sent him a faint pulse back, letting him know it was fine, that I didn’t mind them talking about it, that he could tell Uye and Kali whatever he wanted.
Revik looked back at Uye.
“We haven’t found anything linking brother Balidor to the Dreng… or to Shadow.” Glancing over at the doorway, perhaps to make sure we weren’t being overheard, he looked back at Uye, his eyes somber. “Cass’s light really is different. From before, I mean, when she was active as War. I could feel this difference. So could all of the seers of the Council, and several of them were trained by Tarsi, or worked under her in the Adhipan. Varlan feels this difference, as well. They are assessing that now, and trying to determine what it means.”
Giving me a bare glance, he looked back at my father.
“Cass and Balidor have a preliminary bond, as was observed during the initial interrogations of Balidor. The bigger issue is brother Balidor’s secrecy… and his deliberate hiding of the bond. This would be problematic under any circumstances, given the laws of the Adhipan and his responsibilities as a member of the Council. Given the security risks we’ve been dealing with, many in the Council feel it is inexcusable, and a reason to look at him as a possible enemy agent, witting or not.”
“There is surely no chance he is another mole,” Kali said, a faint frown on her face.
She didn’t voice it as a question really, but I heard the disbelief in her voice.
Revik tilted his hand sideways, noncommittal, but didn’t answer verbally, his eyes flicking back to the hatch leading into the ship.
This time, that doorway was not empty. I followed his eyes to see Tenzi approaching us, with Sita and Wanai, all three of them holding loaded trays.
None of us spoke while they placed glasses with water and alcohol, then a basket of bread and plates of butter and jam. A bowl of steamed greens came next, and another of some kind of grain mixed with nuts, honey, and dried fruit. Thai salad with raw fish and crab filled a third bowl, next to a heaping bowl of blueberries and strawberries. The last thing they set down was a plate of sliced mango, another of sticky rice and a small pitcher of sweet coconut sauce.
Looking at all of it, it struck me that these were only “appetizers.”
I knew what we had in our stores, and that they were probably giving us too much.
“We’ll be on land soon, Esteemed Bridge,” Sita said, smiling as she paused to stroke my hair with a ring-clad hand. “It is best we use up some of the perishable food.”
Nodding, I smiled back at her.
I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, and honestly, their thoughtfulness touched me.
Most of the seers were still treating me gently, to say the least, since I’d returned from Beijing. They’d been soft with Revik, too, I’d noticed.
They’d also given us both a lot of space––individually, and together, as a couple.
When the three seers withdrew with their trays, Revik studied my face briefly, caressing my thigh through the long skirt under the table.
His eyes returned to Uye and Kali, but he didn’t release my leg.
“No one believes Balidor would ever be a willing mole,” he said, continuing their conversation of before. “We have to assess the possibility that Cass may have manipulated his light. She is an intermediary… and one of the Four. But right now, we see no evidence that is the case. Like I said, her light has very clearly changed, and in ways I do not think she could fake. She is relying heavily on Balidor’s light, of course, in that some of her structures were damaged by Menlim and the Dreng, similar to myself and Lily.”
Revik gave me another cautious look before his eyes returned to Kali’s.
“Some on his team are pretty angry with him, though. And it is felt by the Council that punishment is warranted. There is some talk of removing him from his post as Head of the Adhipan. He has already lost his seat on the Council.”
I winced at that, flickering a startled glance at Revik.
They kicked Balidor off the Council?
I admit, that shocked me a bit.
Revik’s fingers massaged my leg reassuringly as he went on in a calm voice.
“He had accomplices,” he added to Kali and Uye. “There were those on his team who knew about the liaison, and who regularly worked the security station on Balidor’s command to aid him in keeping it a secret. Garend. Maygar. Poresh. Yumi suspected something was going on, but it seems clear her suspicion is fairly recent, and she was trying to decide what to do about it since she began picking up signs of the affair. They’re trying to decide now what punishment is appropriate for those who were directly aiding him.”
I frowned at that too, staring down at the table.
I didn’t like the idea of M
aygar being punished.
I suspected Revik didn’t like it, either, but his voice didn’t change when he named him off with the others.
Sighing a bit, Revik leaned back in his chair, still rubbing my leg as he picked up his drink, taking a sip.
“Frankly, the punishment is symbolic as much as anything,” he added, setting down the drink. “We can’t afford to take Balidor off-line. Not unless we find real evidence that he’s been compromised in some way. The focus will be on assessing and cleaning his light. With the network down, we’re not even sure if any of those who were previously being manipulated by the Dreng could be used as sources of information by their people now, anyway.”
“And what about Cassandra Jainkul?” Kali said, her voice subdued. She gave me a cautious look as well. “What will be done with her? Or will her status remain the same?”
Revik exhaled, glancing at me.
Pulling me closer to him by the leg, he went back to rubbing my thigh, using his light to warm mine.
“There is some talk of taking both her and Feigran out of the tank,” Revik admitted.
Feeling me stiffen, he glanced at me, then motioned gracefully with one hand.
“Firstly, they would do this to assess their lights, to see how they behave now that the network is down. Secondly, it was thought we might try to use them to determine if there is still a Dreng presence down here that they can connect to. Thirdly…”
He glanced at me again, taking another swallow of bourbon.
“…We are going to land soon. It would be better if we didn’t have to bring the tanks with us, but could send those to meet us in the United States. If the Dreng can’t reach either of their lights now, then they’d be safer traveling with us.”
Uye looked at me, his blue eyes piercing. He looked at Revik next.
“With yourself and Alyson, you mean?” he said.
“That hasn’t been determined yet,” Revik said, still rubbing my leg. “That will be the Esteemed Bridge’s call. But yes,” he admitted. “We discussed that. There’s some chance that having the Four together for an extended period might help to repair the lights of both Cass and Feigran… as well as Lily’s and whoever else has been adversely affected by the Dreng.”
When I continued to tense, Revik blew warmth at my heart.
“…In the Myths,” Revik added, likely for my benefit. “The Bridge cannot fulfill her mission here without the other three members of the Four. We operated before under the assumption that we had no choice but to try. Now we potentially have the option to move forward with the Four intact. Assuming Balidor is correct, and Cass’s light has truly changed.”
In my periphery, I saw him glance at me again.
I could feel him pulling gently on my light, trying to get me to relax, to trust him. I could feel him reassuring me they wouldn’t do anything without my agreement, and without my having looked at Feigran and Cass for myself.
I also knew why he was saying this here, where I was less likely to let myself overreact, given that both of my biological parents were here.
“Anyway.” Revik released my leg, leaning forward to spoon some of the grain mixture onto his plate, followed by a few slices of mango, a few spoonfuls of sticky rice, and a dollop of coconut sauce. “I would like to wait until we meet up with Tarsi before we make a recommendation to the Esteemed Bridge on this point.”
Exhaling in a sigh, I nodded, mostly to myself.
Well-played, husband.
I waited until Kali and Uye filled their plates, then spooned a pile of strawberries and blueberries on my plate, followed by some of the nut-grain mix and steamed greens.
Leaning back, I picked at each pile with my fork, listening to Uye ask Revik how far the Mythers had succeeded in driving their populations towards the quarantine cities in Dubai, Singapore and New Delhi.
I felt my mother, Kali, watching me while they spoke.
After a pause, she spoke in my mind.
Do you want me to talk to Cass for you? she sent tentatively. In your place, I mean? You could feed me questions. You could still read her from the booth, but you wouldn’t have to speak to her face to face.
I looked over at her.
Worry stood out in her green eyes. Looking at her, and thinking about Cass, a pain rose in my chest. Briefly, I couldn’t breathe through it.
She reached for my hand, impulsively, squeezing my fingers.
I am sorry, she sent, softer. Is there anything I can do?
Thinking, I shook my head slowly.
I have to face her eventually, I told her simply.
When Kali didn’t answer, I shook my head, still thinking when I glanced at her a second time, opening my heart more.
I think I convinced myself I wouldn’t have to deal with her, I admitted, toying with the berries with my fork. Not in a way where it really was her. You know, where I could see it was Cass herself doing those things to me.
Fighting another rush of emotion as I tried to find words, I shook my head. It felt important to get it out, though, to say it the right way.
Not in a way it would… you know…
Not in a way it would hurt, Kali finished, softer. I understand, daughter. I do.
I looked up at her, nodding, strangely relieved when I felt she did understand.
I think I’m afraid I’ll let her in again, I admitted. I glanced briefly at Revik before looking back at Kali. I’m afraid some part of me just wants to say it wasn’t really her, that she didn’t do those things to me. That everything can be the same again. But I don’t see how it ever could be, and then I just want to keep her as far away from me as I can. I want her away from Revik, away from me, away from Lily and Maygar, Jon and Wreg… from any part of my life I care about.
Kali squeezed my hand again, nodding.
I could feel she was touched I was telling her these things.
Thinking that, I looked up, and saw her eyes were overly bright.
She gave me a forced smile, wiping her eyes.
How are things going with Revik? she sent then, maybe feeling I wanted desperately to change the subject. He told Uye you are going through memories?
I nodded, relaxing somewhat.
Then, turning my mind to her question, I frowned.
It’s hard, I admitted, thinking about the night before.
I’d shoved him, more out of embarrassment than anything, for watching me and Jaden have sex while he was guarding me. He’d watched us together and jerked off, even while he got angry at me and jealous over my being with Jaden at all. He told me that’s when he first realized his feelings about me were getting more confused.
It’s also when Vash started warning him not to lose perspective on me.
Even more disorienting, he’d shown me memories of me and Jaden dating that I didn’t remember. The session got cut off by Wreg calling us upstairs to look at more live feed on the Mythers moving into Dubai, so I still wasn’t clear on why Revik would have memories of me and Jaden that I didn’t have.
According to Revik, Jaden and I first met at a Halloween party.
I remembered us meeting at one of the first restaurants where I’d worked with Cass, before I got the job at Lucky Cat.
Revik said all of that would be clearer after tonight.
He’d felt nervous when he said it, which made me nervous. Whatever he was about to show me, clearly, he expected me to not like it.
It’s hard, I repeated, glancing back at Kali. There’s a lot I didn’t know.
She nodded sympathetically, still holding my hand.
I think he is right, though, she said, hesitant. This sharing, it is closer to what most mates experience.
I glanced at her from where I’d taken another sip of wine. During the initial bonding, you mean?
She nodded, hesitating a little before she added,
It is unusual to have as many secrets from your mate as the two of you have been forced to keep from one another. I know some of that is our fault, daughter, she a
dded, apologetic. To be honest, I didn’t expect your husband to keep our secret as long as he did. I expected all of that to come out when you mated. I thought such a thing inevitable.
Hesitating, still watching my eyes, she added,
Those types of secrets, especially those about one another, those that directly affect your relationship, they are not healthy, daughter. Not for a mated pair. Too many secrets make trust––real trust––impossible. Trust is essential for such a bond.
I nodded to that, frowning a little in thought. But don’t you have your own secrets, you and Uye? Your own lives? Do you really have to know absolutely everything about one another?
She mirrored my frown, thinking about this.
Slowly, her eyes cleared.
She shook her head, squeezing my fingers.
We have secrets, she acknowledged. We have secrets we keep from one another, and private thoughts, and memories. But not about our relationship. Not about our timeline together. This is the focus of your memory sharing, is it not?
Still thinking, feeling a wash of nerves, I nodded.
Turning over those nerves, I sighed.
I guess it feels like more, I sent. He saw so much of my life. Before, I mean. Before I even knew who he was, he saw practically everything. Things my best friends never knew. Things my parents and brother never knew. I feel like I have no secrets left at all.
But can you see how that’s a problem? she sent gently. That he would know all this, have seen all this, and you would not be aware of that fact? For you are not sharing those things with him now. He is not seeing any of this for the first time. You are. He already knew those things about you. Now you know what he knew.
Exhaling as I realized she was right, I sighed, nodding.
Meeting her gaze, I nodded again, even as her words sank in.
I knew she was right.
Even so, I had the feeling Revik and I hadn’t hit the worst of this yet.
She squeezed my hand, sending me a fierce pulse of heat.
I suspect you are right, daughter, she sent. But you will get through this. Both of you will. And things will be so much easier after you are bonded properly.
How do you know? I bit my lip, unable to soften the sharpness of my thoughts. Swallowing, I motioned unconsciously with one hand. How could you possibly know we will get through this? You don’t know either of us well enough to say that. Not with any confidence.
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