I tried not to think about Neela, who I still missed.
Pushing all of that from my mind, I leaned on my husband, gripping his hand in mine, feeling his light envelope mine and Lily’s in a protective bubble. Together, all three of us watched Balidor and the others shepherd humans and seers through the door.
As we did, I tried to feel each brighter flash of light as a kind of victory as one more soul made it to the other side.
I tried to feel like we’d saved them.
I tried to feel like we’d given them a new world, instead of simply destroying the one they’d had. I tried to feel I’d truly been the Bridge.
It was that, or face being just another angel of death.
EVENTUALLY, WE RAN out of refugees and Listers.
We ran out of Atwar’s people, too, and the seers from London and China.
We ran out of monks from the high mountains of Asia, and seer children, and most of the humans and seers who’d called this part of New Mexico their home. We ran out of human refugees from San Francisco and New York, and the last of the aging Council of Seven, with the exception of Tarsi, who stayed behind to help us for a bit longer.
The cave suddenly felt a lot bigger, and a lot more empty.
The first real friends of mine started to pass through the door.
Without really talking about it, we all decided to send the humans through first. I don’t know why. At that point, we hadn’t heard so much as a whisper from up top. The ground was getting warmer around us, seemingly by a few degrees every few minutes.
The world was dying.
Everyone knew that now.
It was time to go.
I said goodbye to my Aunt Carol and Uncle James first. That was hard as hell. I hugged both of them for too long, all of us soaked with sweat and then with tears. Uncle James hugged Revik, hugged Jon and Wreg, then kissed Lily over and over, touching her face and telling her he loved her. I’d forgotten Lily got to know her human relatives over the past year or so, so I couldn’t help crying too when Lily burst into tears and clung to both of them.
I don’t know why it felt like such an utter and complete goodbye.
Maybe Balidor was right.
Maybe it really was like death.
We really had no idea what lay on the other side of that door, and somehow, looking at my last real links to my old human life, my human parents, it felt like I was dying already.
I said goodbye to my cousins next, which was hard, but not as hard as watching Aunt Carol disappear through that slit in the rock with a flash of brilliant light. I said goodbye to my friends from school next, including Desmond and Kira, Joelle and Nick.
That’s when Sasquatch came up, and told me about Frankie.
He and I hugged for a long moment, crying.
Eventually, the big lug walked through the door, wiping his eyes under the glasses he wore, shuffling his feet as he waved goodbye to all us, smiling at Dante before he left.
Jaden went through not long after him.
I didn’t hug him, but it was strange to watch him go.
He paused right before he went through, turning to look straight at me.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry, Allie. For everything.”
I wasn’t even sure what he meant, what he was referring to.
He vanished through the opening before I could read it off him, either in his face or his light. A pain hit my heart briefly as an even stronger feeling hit me, that I’d never see him again.
It was the first time I’d fully admitted that to myself.
Tawa and Max began leading the last of their people through the door not long after my friends from San Francisco vanished. I hadn’t gotten to know them really, having only been around them for these few days, but somehow, watching them disappear into that crevice was emotional for all of us, too.
It was like watching the guardians of this land take their leave of it.
I found myself hoping they ended up somewhere equally beautiful, somewhere they could protect as well as they’d protected this place for us.
When the last of them vanished, I looked around and saw Declan, Torek and a few others wiping their eyes as well, and not all of it was sweat.
There were few of us left now.
Declan walked through, after bowing to me and Revik, and kissing each of our cheeks.
Raddi went with him, grinning at both of us and kissing us too. He paused to caress Lily’s hair as he went, and gave Maygar a bear hug before giving Wreg a longer one, gripping the Chinese seer’s long black hair in a clenched fist.
I knew they’d fought wars together, lost friends together.
Jorag followed Raddi. He cried when he said goodbye to me, and to Wreg.
Chinja, Hondo and Anale went next.
After that, the faces blurred for a while. I cried all over again with each new set of them, accepting their hugs and kisses and clutching at their fingers, arms and hands.
A few stood out.
I clutched Yumi in a long hug, and Poresh, and Mika.
After he bowed to me formally and kissed my cheek, I saw Loki touch foreheads with Revik before moving down the line and kissing Wreg on the cheek and hugging Jon. Gina and I hugged while Loki said goodbye to Maygar and Balidor.
I saw Dante hug Jon, crying. She hugged me too, and I was struck again by how small she was, and how ridiculously young, despite how much we’d all grown to depend on her.
I heard Jon murmur to her, promising to find her on the other side.
The three of them, Loki, Gina and Dante, passed through the door not long after.
I couldn’t help noticing the protective light Loki held over both of them, or how much they felt like a family.
Then Dalejem walked up to me.
Looking into his green and violet eyes, I didn’t think.
I burst into tears.
His eyes flinched, widening in surprise, then softened all at once.
He enveloped me in his arms. We hugged for what felt like a long time, him stroking my back and hair and squeezing me tighter against him. Revik stood next to me, along with Lily, and I opened my light, crying harder when Jem, Revik and Lily opened theirs.
When Jem finally let me go, he was wiping his eyes, sniffing as he smiled through tears. He and Revik hugged and Dalejem kissed him on the face, gripping his arms tightly before he let him go. Smiling down at Lily, he winked, chucking her chin with his fingers.
It didn’t occur to me until Jem passed through that door, departing this world in a silent flash of light, that none of us had exchanged a single word.
The room felt really empty now.
We were really down to just family now.
Even as I thought it, Uye, Kali and Tarsi walked up to me.
I barely remember saying goodbye to any of them. I know I cried while I held each of my parents. I think I told my mother I was sorry, but like Jaden, I don’t know if I got out anything coherent about why I was so sorry, or what I’d realized in the time since.
The two of them enveloped me in love and light, and for the first time, I really let it in. By the time they let go of me, I felt about four years old, completely immersed in both of them. I have no idea how long that went on, but eventually they separated from me too, hugging Revik and Lily while I just stood there and watched, squeezing Revik’s hand.
I held Tarsi for longer than I should have, but for once, she didn’t complain, or push me off. Instead she patted my back and my head, purring words to me in a language I didn’t know.
She hugged Revik, too, and pulled Lily aside to talk to her privately in a low voice. I watched Lily listen to her, nodding solemnly, and I bit my lip, looking away.
Then Uye, Kali and Tarsi walked through the door.
I found myself looking at Jon and Wreg, Balidor and Cass, Maygar and Angeline.
Somehow, the nine of us were all that was left.
We all just looked at each other, silent.
The cave walls were shi
mmering with heat by then. We knew we had to go, that we were out of time, but we all just stood there anyway.
Finally, Balidor was the first to move.
He embraced me first, holding my arms. Then, maybe to make things more normal, he smiled, inclining his head, seer-fashion.
“Are you going to try to close the door behind you?” he said. “Or just let the sun take care of that, too?”
I smiled back, clicking at him in a mixture of humor and affection.
Even now, Balidor couldn’t help himself.
He just couldn’t help asking me about ops.
Hearing me, he chuckled, then hugged me again, opening his heart that time and squeezing me tighter against him. I felt so much of his light and presence that time, I clung to him, gripping his arms and back for a long-feeling few seconds.
Cass just stood there, looking uncomfortable when Balidor finally let me go. Still smiling and now with tears in his eyes, the Adhipan leader approached Revik next.
I couldn’t help watching Cass as she folded her arms, fighting to keep her expression still. As Balidor and Revik talked and laughed, embracing, she kept looking away, clenching her jaw as she avoided all of our eyes.
Then Jon walked up to her, his hands shoved in his pockets.
“Hey, brat,” he said, like he used to when we were kids. His voice was gruff. “It looks like your boyfriend is leaving. Are you staying here? Or did you plan to just blow us off? Not say goodbye?”
Tensing, she looked up, startled.
She met Jon’s gaze, and abruptly, her eyes filled with tears.
When Jon enveloped her in a hug, she wrapped her arms around him, pressing her face into his shoulder. I looked away, wiping my eyes in spite of myself, fighting the pain in my heart when I saw her expression as Jon flooded her with his light.
She’d always loved Jon.
She’d thought she was in love with Jon for years, even knowing he was gay, even knowing it made him uncomfortable, and while I knew some of that was probably just a fantasy because of how safe Jon was, I knew there was a real element to that love, too.
More than anything, I suspected she’d wished Jon was her brother, just like she’d wished my human father was her father, and Mia Taylor was her mother.
By the time Jon let go of her, I forced myself to walk up to her, too.
Standing there, fighting conflicting emotions even then, I tried to decide if I should hug her or not, if I should say anything or not. I could just smile and wish her well. I could punch her in the face. I could hug her like Jon had, and hope she could just leave it at that. I could do some combination of all three.
I had no idea how to be to someone who’d once been the most important person in my life, outside of my brother and my parents.
I knew I was avoiding though, even now––maybe because she still confused me so much, I didn’t even know how I felt. I just knew I couldn’t say or do nothing, not when I might never see her again. Even now, in spite of everything, she felt like family.
Maybe for the same reason, I half-expected her to avoid me if I tried to hug her, or to put on some kind of front, or do something else to piss me off.
She didn’t avoid me, though. She didn’t put on any kind of front.
Hesitantly at first, she stepped towards me.
Moving cautiously, as if she thought I might hit her, or shove her off, or yell at her, she wrapped her arms around me carefully. She held me like I might break for that first breath––or like I was some kind of feral animal. When I didn’t push her off, her arms tightened into a real hug, until she was clinging to me even tighter than she’d clung to Jon.
She didn’t speak, but her light opened.
It opened so much, I flinched, that pain sharpening in my heart.
Before she’d let go, tears filled my eyes again, before I could stop them.
I found myself clinging to her hands, to her arms.
She opened her mouth. I felt her fighting for words, for something to say. I felt grief on her, the knowledge that nothing she said would be enough, that anything she said might only make things worse. I felt regret, and somehow, feeling that much relaxed something in my heart.
It didn’t fix it, but it calmed the hottest, sharpest edges of it.
Nodding at her, I sent her a pulse of light, letting her know it was okay.
Without waiting for her reaction, I turned, looking at Lily.
My daughter was watching us with solemn eyes, looking between me and Cass as if trying to understand what she was seeing, what it meant. Smiling at her, I wiped my face, motioning her over with my head and hand.
“Lily, honey,” I said. “Do you want to say goodbye to Auntie Cass?” Feeling Cass flinch violently next to me, I cleared my throat, still wiping my eyes. “She and Uncle ‘Dori are leaving now. We don’t know if we’ll get to see them again or not.”
Lily looked at me, then at Cass.
I knew Lily was perceptive.
She was a lot more perceptive than me, especially for her age.
I’d never said a word to her about Cass, good or bad, but even when she was practically a baby, Lily knew there was tension there. After Lily accepted me and Revik as her parents, she’d never once asked about Cass, never asked to see Cass, never talked about her, never expressed any longing or curiosity or emotion about her.
She probably saw me flinch whenever Cass’s name came up, or when she first talked about her “other mommy” and Revik and I would exchange looks, grimacing. Clearly, Lily saw and felt enough that she’d decided on her own to stay away from the topic of Cass.
I’d never let Cass interact with her, obviously.
I’d never seen the two of them together at all, really, since I wasn’t exactly myself back when Cass held my daughter hostage for Menlim. I knew Cass had sent virtual messages and Barrier imprints to Revik to torment him, but until I shared memories with him recently, I’d never seen them.
I wasn’t even sure if Cass had seen Lily, post-New York, before the events of the past few days and weeks. The only way she would have is if Balidor showed her images while she was locked up in the tank. I knew Cass likely hadn’t seen Lily in person since New York––not until the events of the last few weeks, and I hadn’t let her get too close.
I didn’t regret cutting Cass out of my child’s life.
Cass had stolen my child, right out of my womb. Brainwashed or not, broken or not, she’d given Lily to Menlim.
Revik and I nearly lost Lily entirely because of her.
I’d never forget that. Never. I’d probably never be able to forgive it entirely, even if I told myself Cass was a different person now.
It would always be there, in some form.
But now wasn’t the time to stand on that particular pile of bones.
Lily looked up at me, her clear eyes wide.
I knew she was looking for permission.
Feeling a stab of guilt, I nodded encouragingly, smiling.
Whatever you want, darling, I told her, soft. You don’t have to say or do anything if you don’t want to. I just wanted to offer it. I wanted you to know it’s okay with me.
Lily blinked, still looking at me as if trying to make sure I really meant it. In the end, she must have realized I did mean it.
Hesitant, she looked at Cass.
I watched as memory filled those clear, green-rimmed eyes.
I watched as that memory turned into tears.
Months of pretending she didn’t care, that she didn’t miss Cass, that she didn’t remember her, didn’t love her, didn’t even like her, came to the surface of her youth-round face. Looking at how much she’d been holding back, that guilt in me sharpened more.
I saw Lily’s lip tremble right before she walked directly up to Cass, wrapping her arms around her in a hug.
Cass wrapped her arms around her too, pressing her cheek against Lily’s.
My throat closed, but weirdly, I found myself smiling, too.
Stepping bac
k to give them a moment, I saw Balidor embrace Wreg, talking to him in a low voice before he patted him roughly on the shoulder, smiling too tautly, his eyes too bright just before he released those massive shoulders.
For the first time in a very long time, it struck me again how funny it was the two of them ended up such good friends. I’d nearly forgotten how much they’d loathed one another, once upon a time. Through most of that, Wreg had been adamant he was going to kill the Adhipan leader. Some of his threats had been downright imaginative.
Snorting under my breath at the memory, I shook my head as I saw Wreg kiss ‘Dori on the cheek, saying something quiet back, his eyes as bright as Balidor’s.
Jon was embracing Revik now, and I saw tears in Revik’s eyes as he nodded to something Wreg said, clasping his hand as he continued to hug Jon with his other arm.
Realizing Wreg and Jon were getting ready to leave as well, I felt something in my chest break. By the time Jon stood in front of me, I could barely see him for the tears.
He smiled at me, wiping my face with his fingers.
“Come on,” he said gently. “You’ve got to be about out of tears by now, little sis. You’ve cried buckets in the last hour. You’re going to be a pile of sand here pretty soon, between that and the twenty pounds you sweated off.”
“I’m older than you,” I retorted, wiping my eyes. “As much as you want to be in denial about it.”
I couldn’t muster any real humor though.
I felt my chest collapse, and Jon hugged me before I could get out more words, gripping me tighter while I clung to him in return.
I felt like a kid all over again, when the two of us sat on the crappy floral couch with the broken springs at our mom’s house, drinking cheap wine in paper cups and talking until late in the night after Dad died. I remembered sketching his portrait by firelight, listening to him talk about politics until late in the night, pushing up his glasses with one finger while he gestured animatedly with his hands, his voice angry in his teenaged outrage.
I remembered watching his first kung fu tournament, being blown away when he won all five of his sparring matches. I snapped illegal image captures relentlessly all the way through it, including when an older Chinese man beamed at him, hanging a gold medallion on a blue ribbon around his neck.
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