He eyed her with an unreadable expression. “That’s right.”
She huffed a laugh. “Great.”
“Why?”
“Do you remember me telling you about the summers I spent with my great-aunt in Baltimore?”
He nodded, his eyes blank for a second before morphing into recognition. “Ah, shit. Which one?”
“Which one what?”
“The grannies. Which one is your aunt? Maybel? Rose?”
“Estelle.”
Bear barked out a laugh. “The batshit one. Of course.” He shook his head in disbelief. “Un-fucking-believable. So that’s your connection? You’re here as what? Estelle’s date?”
“No. I’m here for Sammie.” She’d spent summers as a young girl, staying with Great-Aunt Estelle. She looked forward to it every year because it gave her a chance to see Samantha Harper, her childhood best friend.
As if summoned, Sammie sprinted in their direction, distraught expression in place. Trailing was her fiancé, Ash Cooper.
Sam stopped in front of them, sucking in air like it was going out of style. Sam’s long blond hair was pulled into a high ponytail, and she wore an adorable white tank top and white tennis skort ensemble that showed off her athletic build.
Ash slammed to a halt next to Sam, a worried look on his rugged face. His five o’clock shadow was more I forgot to shave than it was I wanna look badass. Though, he definitely did look badass with his high-and-tight military haircut, slim-fitting T-shirt across wide shoulders and thick biceps, and cargo shorts.
“What’s going on here? Why is she punching you?” Sam asked Bear, then swung her concerned blue eyes on Kenna. “Why are you punching him?”
“I want a new badminton partner,” Kenna said, giving Bear her back.
“Okay,” Sam said slowly, sliding a quick, cryptic look at her fiancé. She came back to Kenna, and said, “Is there a reason you don’t like your current partner? Or, you know, why you’d punch him in the face after just meeting him?”
“Well, it is Tyke,” Ash said, lips twitching. “There’re days I wanna punch him, too.”
Bear gave his friend the finger.
She glanced down at her navy flip-flops, brand-new baby-pink nail polish on her toes, and the hot sand beneath them. God, what she wouldn’t give for a huge batch of quicksand right now. Please swallow me up and save me from having to confront all of this, in front of an audience no less.
Sam was staring at her, waiting for a response.
Kenna groaned, knowing her next statement was going to blow open the door she’d kept firmly locked for most of her adult life. “I didn’t just meet him.”
The other couple getting married this week, Luke Calder and Cassandra Stone, joined them.
“Shit,” Bear grumbled. “Calder, really? Let’s just invite the whole goddamn party over here.”
Luke slid his free hand into the front pocket of his flat-front shorts, grinning like he’d won some sort of prize. “Come on, Tyke. You think I’d give up the chance to meet the woman who just decked you? Hell, I want to buy her a drink.”
“Drinks are free this week,” Bear muttered.
“Then I’ll at least shake her hand.” He extended an arm to Kenna. She accepted and shook.
In a white, slim-fit T-shirt, pressed khaki shorts, dazzling smile, and aviators, Luke looked every bit the pretty boy Sam had described him as. His fiancée fit neatly under his arm, looking approachable in a simple sundress, flat sandals, and her brunette hair pulled into a bun. Her eyes were gentle and patient, skills no doubt acquired from years working as a guidance counselor in inner-city schools.
Kenna took in the sight of Bear’s friends, seeming so big and superhuman, and she couldn’t help but compare them. Ash was smack in the middle of Luke and Bear in terms of looks. He wasn’t pretty boy or dashing like Luke, but he wasn’t a beastly animal of a man like Bear, either. It was evident Ash demanded authority and could probably snap a man’s neck with a simple twist of his large, shapely arms. Luke, although much leaner in build, had something in the set of his shoulders that told Kenna he was agile. Quick. He didn’t need bulk muscle like his friends. He could handle himself at a moment’s notice if needed. It was overwhelming. Being surrounded by the triple power.
“So you two have met before?” Ash asked with an amused gleam in his eyes.
Bryan’s cheeks colored, which caused Ash’s eyebrows to lift to his hairline. “Holy shit,” Ash said. “You’ve done more than just meet.”
Bear’s jaw worked, and he looked away.
“This is freaking awesome.” Luke clapped his hands. “Do tell.”
Sam glanced at Kenna for an explanation. Which in turn caused the rest of the faces to turn her way. Crap. She’d kill for one of those drinks Luke offered a minute ago. A double, in fact.
Kenna chewed on the inside of her cheek. She and Bear were stuck together for seven whole days. Seven. An entire week. She’d spent twelve years burying their past so she’d never have to think about it again. And now she had to face him every day on this small private island.
Kenna had seen the schedule for the week. It was jam-packed with activities. They were expected to attend as much as possible. It would be rude to skip out just because she was trying to avoid the one person who single-handedly broke her heart and stole her future.
“Sammie,” she said. “You remember me telling you about Bear…” She trailed off, knowing her friend would remember. They’d talked for hours on the phone, Sammie offering every consoling word in the English language, after Kenna realized Bryan wasn’t coming back.
The other woman nodded. “Of course.”
Kenna pulled her lips inward and nodded right along with Sam.
Anytime, quicksand. Anytime.
Sammie glanced at Bryan, then at Kenna. “Wait, you mean…?”
Biting her bottom lip, Kenna closed her eyes and dropped her chin once.
Sam turned her attention to Bryan. “You’re Bear?”
“Who?” Ash and Luke asked at the same time.
Luke snorted a laugh. “Like…teddy bear?”
Kenna’s gaze journeyed Bryan’s tall frame all the way down to his black combat boots and back up. “No. Like grizzly bear.”
“It’s him,” Sam said through a gasp. “Oh, honey. I had no idea. If I’d known, I would’ve never…”
“Known what?” Ash asked. “What’s going on?”
Sam placed her hand on Ash’s chest. “He and Kenna were engaged. He’s the one who got away.”
Bear’s eyes went wide like saucers.
Kenna nearly suffocated on her saliva. “Wrong. He’s the one who went away. There’s a difference. And engaged implies love. It wasn’t love. It was—” She groaned. “Ugh, I don’t know what it was. But it wasn’t love, okay?”
It couldn’t have been. She’d given him everything. Every single piece of her, and he’d crushed it in his bare hands without any remorse. That’s not what real love should feel like.
Bear recovered and stared at her, his jaw working.
“Well, it’s the truth,” she told him, then turned to their audience. The last thing she needed was their pity or invasive questions. She’d dealt with that enough over the last decade. No more. It was his turn. She connected with Sam’s interested gaze, taking note of the woman’s slight smile. Kenna cleared her throat, pushing aside the uncomfortable feeling of being under a microscope. “He proposed to me one day and then never came back. Left me wondering for years where he was and what he was doing. Sent me some quick bullshit email about me needing to move on without him.”
They’d met when they were eight. Math class. He sat behind her and threw little balled-up pieces of paper into her hair. That was the first time she tried to punch him. Their height difference wasn’t as vast back then, so she managed to bop him in the jaw, her fist bouncing off as if his skin had been rubber. It was enough to startle him but not do real damage. He’d recovered quickly and told her that if she was go
ing to punch, then she ought to learn how to do it the right way. By thirteen they’d started dating. By sixteen they’d slept together. And by eighteen they were dreaming about their future together. He’d enlisted at twenty-one, proposed to her, and that was the last she saw of him.
Until today.
“You were engaged?” Luke asked Bryan. “To her? Why the hell did you screw that up?”
Bear ran a quick hand over his hair again. “It’s complicated, okay?”
Complicated? That’s it? They’d planned a life together. Children. Hell, if they’d had a little girl, they’d agreed to name her after Kenna’s late mom. And complicated was his best defense for destroying their future?
“It’s over,” Kenna said, working to get her anger back in check. “Our differences don’t have to ruin a beautiful week for you guys. Bear and I”—snickers came from Ash and Luke’s general direction—“will avoid each other the whole time we’re here.” She turned to the brute. “Right?”
Bear scanned the faces of their engrossed audience and his cheeks deepened in color. “Fine,” he agreed.
His embarrassment threw her a little. It’s what she’d been aiming for by airing their dirty laundry to his friends. But he’d never been one to show emotion or weakness before. Hell, in all the years they’d been together, he’d never once let her see him cry. So now, taking in his reaction, she considered that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t the same stubborn boy she’d once known.
But as quick as the flush came, it was gone just as fast.
Bear stood at full height, which still had the power to do things to her, given the small flip in her tummy, damn it, and he said, “Sam’s my new badminton partner.”
“Me?” Sammie asked, surprised. “Don’t you mean Ash?”
“Hell no,” Bryan said. “Have you seen him handle a racket?”
Then again. Maybe not.
Chapter Two
Kenna and Ash came in second place in the badminton tournament, which made her smile. Especially since Bear stomped around the sand pissed off that he and Sam placed fourth. Kenna couldn’t help but smile a little over that. It was the small victories that mattered. After, the women trekked across the resort to the spa. Sam had scheduled an afternoon of pampering and relaxation. Kenna didn’t know about the rest of the ladies, but she could sure use some freaking relaxation.
And time away from Bear to get her head on straight.
There were five of them in the steam room, all outfitted in white towels secured under their arms. In addition to Kenna, Sam, and Aunt Estelle, others included Sammie’s grandma, Rose, who kept wiping a finger across her glasses to clear the fog. She had the comforting countenance of a typical grandmom, with her gray hair, round face, and full midsection. Anytime Kenna visited, Rose always made her feel welcome and at home.
Celia, who lived on the same street in Baltimore as Sam, Estelle, and Rose, was quiet and sweet. Kenna didn’t think she’d heard the woman say more than two words in the time since she’d met her. She was the smallest of the older ladies, her bony shoulders protruding out like sharp wings. What softened her appearance was a strand of white pearls and perfect chignon at the base of her neck.
Kenna had spent most of the earlier match stealing glances at Bear, trying to come to terms with the fact that he was actually here. It felt like some sort of dream, or rather a nightmare. Like he’d been manifested, forcing her to remember everything they would never share together. Everything he chose to take away from them.
Thankfully, the steam room and a little girl time was what she needed to forget about all of that.
She closed her eyes and leaned against the slick tile behind her, inhaling slow, deep breaths, letting the hot air fill her lungs. Sweat beaded over her body, and with it, she tried to let go of the negativity she’d brought to the surface after seeing Bear. Finally, her muscles relaxed and her mind wandered into safer territory.
Until Sammie spoke.
“I’m not going to wear the ring this weekend.”
Kenna popped one eye open and took in Sam’s decided expression.
“Seriously,” she went on. “I should’ve never accepted when you offered. It was your momma’s ring. You should wear—”
“Stop,” Kenna said, shifting away from the now uncomfortable wall. “We promised. I still want you to wear it, and that’s final.”
“But—”
Kenna cut her off with a sharp look.
When they were girls, Sam and Kenna had made a pact that whoever got married first would wear her mom’s sapphire ring as their something blue. Since Kenna and Bear had been together as teens and seemed most likely to tie the knot first, it hadn’t seemed like a big deal to agree to the innocent accord. But then Kenna and Tyke’s relationship crashed and burned in spectacular fashion, and Sam got engaged, and it suddenly became a huge deal.
That ring was Kenna’s only tie to the woman she loved and lost. She used to lie awake staring at it, wishing it were her mom with her instead. Every time that beautiful blue stone caught the light and sent shimmering streams across her bedroom walls, she knew her mom was there. Giving her strength. Telling Kenna she was loved.
For that reason, she desperately wanted a piece of her mom at Sammie’s wedding. But—and it was a very large but—the ring also symbolized the future she and Bear had planned but would never have. And seeing that reminder, even on her best friend’s finger, was going to jolt her into the past where forever, babies, and never-ending love were nothing but pipe dreams for Kenna.
Nonetheless she had to hold up her end of the deal, even if it killed her.
“Mom would’ve wanted it this way,” Kenna said, knowing Sam wouldn’t argue that point. “She loved you. It would mean so much knowing she was here on your special day.”
Sam wanted to rebut, Kenna could see it in the way her mouth twisted as if she was physically holding the words back. But Sam didn’t let go, instead she dropped her chin with a sharp nod.
Aunt Estelle reclined onto the teak bench, her artificially tanned, wrinkled cleavage deep and noticeable above the towel. “So this whole time, Bear was right under my nose, within nuts-kicking reach, and I didn’t know.”
Apparently Bear had been in Baltimore for more than a year, working with Ash and his DEA teammates to track down a dangerous drug supplier. He and Estelle had met more than once and had even tossed a few drinks back together.
“He hurt my girl,” Estelle said with a shake of her dyed-brown head, “and I had a chance to get him. Still can’t get over that. If I’d known…”
“What?” Kenna asked. “What would you have done?”
Estelle’s lips twitched. “Probably would’ve snapped his osenteller off.”
Eyebrows of the other women sank as they put the meaning together. Once they realized what Estelle meant, their brows shot in the opposite direction and loud echoes of laughter filled the room.
“I’ve never heard it called that before,” Sam said through a chuckle. “That’s funny. I can’t wait to say that to Ash tonight.”
Kenna also laughed at the ridiculous name Estelle had invented when Kenna had questioned the birds and the bees as a young girl. It was the first of many inappropriate Estelle-esque vocabulary words she’d learned throughout her childhood.
Celia cleared her throat and sat forward, primly folding her hands in her lap. “Excuse me. What’s an os…osenteller?”
“Oh, Cee.” Estelle brushed the question away with a wave of her wrinkled hand. “Think about it. His willy. Weiner. Pecker.”
“Penis,” Kenna supplied.
“Doo-hickey!” Sam said.
“Man meat!” Kenna said.
“Tallywacker,” Rose said.
The women continued to go down the long list of synonyms until the laughter made it difficult to hear what they were saying.
When the humor in the room eventually died down, the women exchanged a look, then turned a sympathetic gaze on Kenna.
“Forgive me, dear,�
�� Rose said, sliding her wire-frame glasses down her nose to blot them on her towel. “I don’t want to bring up bad memories for you, but I’m curious. Bryan never told you why he didn’t come back?”
Kenna shook her head. “Nope.”
The sadness and sympathy in the other women’s eyes made Kenna’s heart ache. After what Bear did to her, she’d seen enough pity and ridicule from acquaintances and neighbors in their hometown. She didn’t need it here, too.
“I’m fine, though,” she went on. “It was so long ago. I can barely remember what it was that I loved about him in the first place.”
Thought it wasn’t love?
“Wanted,” she said quickly. “I don’t remember what it was about him that I wanted.” Her voice wasn’t as strong as she’d practiced, and given the other ladies’ expressions, they’d heard it, too.
“Just seems odd,” Rose continued. “And uncharacteristic from what I’ve seen. He’s so self-assured. I didn’t take him for a man who would hurt another person that way. He had to know how his not returning would affect you.”
He didn’t care that he’d hurt her. Because he must not have loved her the way she’d loved him.
“It does seem strange,” Celia said in a soft, mousy voice. As she twisted the clasp of her pearl necklace, she looked at Kenna like her next statement was going to hurt Kenna’s feelings. When it came to Bear, her feelings had already been demolished. The frail woman couldn’t do any more damage. “Didn’t he try to contact you? When Edward was in the service, he told me he wrote every day, but I only received twenty letters. The postal service can be such a terrible thing when you’re impatiently waiting for communication.”
Kenna attempted a smile. “After bugging him and his superiors with a barrage of emails and voice messages, I finally got a really short Dear Kenna email.” She paused, thinking back to when she’d gotten it. How excited she’d been. How she couldn’t wait to hear about his adventures overseas. Little did she know how fast her elation would fade. The words he’d written haunted her even now. “He told me things weren’t going to work out the way we’d planned. That I deserved better and should move on with my life without him. No explanation or reason why. I wrote him about four hundred emails back. Left a million more voice messages. Never got anything else in return.”
The Man I Want to Be (Under Covers) Page 2
