by Gina Kincade
Reaching the office, Luckee circled to Nicole and burst into tears. She couldn’t take anymore.
And it floored Nicole. She started shaking, and panicked. “Oh fuck! I’m sorry. I’ve been reading Cosmo and watching Sex and the City and how bff’s are supposed to be capable of dishing out tough love to their besties when they need it.”
That admission made Luckee laugh. And she laughed until her stomach hurt and her tears of anguish altered to ones of joy.
Both of them had a difficult time ceasing their laughter, but Luckee managed asking, “How did you know something went wrong?”
Nicole went from full-fledged cackling to tight-lipped somberness. “Why don’t you just tell me everything first. Then we’ll go from there,” she suggested.
“Nah ah. I didn’t seek you out and with guns blazing. You started this, so you start it. Go,” demanded Luckee.
“I don’t want to now. I came in here expecting you to be your usual, unaffected self. But then you cried. Do you know the last time I saw you express any emotion other than stoicism.”
“Yes, I do. Levi’s funeral.” Realizing they both sat cross-legged on the floor in the back office of the studio, Luckee announced, “I did worry a lot of emotions might resurface when you saw and continued seeing Preston. Let’s get out of here. Want a coffee? Or a beer? Please, let’s go have a beer down at Jake’s.”
Seeing Preston again reopened a lot of old wounds, and it exhumed some Luckee wanted buried, forever. Until Preston. Until Preston, held a multitude of meanings for her, one in particular—she assumed the worst about him—actually, she assumed the worst about his view of her. She stereotyped him, not the other way around.
Flipping the light switches off and going for the door, Luckee noticed her lack of acceptable attire. In her tights and leotard, she thought it best to alter her apparel. “Hang on, let me throw on some leggings and a sweatshirt. I’ll be right back.”
And, within ten minutes, they were sitting in a booth at the local honky tonk. “The night Levi died. It just caused so much damage to so many. I didn’t want to expound on any of his negative traits. There was enough of that going around. You remember. The news stations, newspapers, all concentrated on the tragic story of the death of a college student with such potential. The guy that partied too much and his life ended much too soon. And we all knew about Levi’s excessive drinking. But he became aggressive and verbally abusive with me that night. As he had so many times before, which, resulted in me breaking up with him so often. And even after I heard Preston comment on the ‘Potter County’ cliché, he intervened. He took up for me. And Levi swung at him and missed, several times. Preston ordered him to leave. Now, I know it’s not my fault or Preston’s that Levi rode in the pickup with Gary and Wade and decided climbing out the passenger window to fetch beers out of the cooler in the bed was a good idea.” Luckee took a deep sigh.
The details she kept to herself and tried to forget over the last four years released. Anxiously she waited on Nicole to argue in disbelief, judge her, and condemn her. From the age of fifteen when she and Levi began dating, she kept his vindictive and abusive treatment of her a secret. She couldn’t speak unfavorably of him after his death. It seemed petty and disrespectful and would be more of a reflection on her, not him. Everyone that knew him viewed him as the good ol’ boy, the star quarterback of the high school football team, and they all loved him.
“Oh my. Luckee, you never told me…I suspected. I didn’t much like being around him, but I did it for you,” Nicole explained.
“Oh, I know. I remember. You voiced your opinion of Levi to me and to him a lot, especially in high school. So, when Preston didn’t piece it all together, and he claims he just learned of it, he offered me money and apologized. He worried I came into his life expecting retribution because I wasn’t forthright with him.”
“Oh my, shit. That’s bullshit. How dare him. And what do you mean ‘he just learned of it’? You said he got involved. He made Levi leave. And he didn’t recognize you?”
“It all happened outside of the party, in the front lawn, in the dark. And it happened so fast. I know it sounds ridiculous. Believe me I do. But I think I was falling in love with Preston. He didn’t seem to care I’m small town. He seemed to gravitate to it. And after I heard about his family life, I understood why. But I don’t think it will happen now. I’ll never forget the look on his face and in his eyes. I hurt him and I didn’t mean to.”
Taking Luckee’s hand from around her beer bottle she had a dead stare fixed on, Nicole held it, and reassured, “Maybe he’ll come around. And if not, he’s not the one. Hearing all of this really pisses me off at him now. How dare him. I never wanted to assume he was another rich, unfeeling fucker, but damn. But damn, why didn’t you say anything? It’s horrible he accused you of wanting his money, but I don’t get it either. I figured you had told him about us going to that party. I don’t get it?”
Shit. She reckoned she backed herself into a corner. She had no other choice except to finally open up. “After he kept pursuing me and I found myself falling hard for him, I didn’t want him to know me as the girl from that night. A victim. A spineless woman. The Potter County girl accepting the cruel rantings of a boyfriend, one who bullied her, and belittled her, and treated her like a piece of trash.” Luckee’s eyes filled with tears. Talking about it didn’t make it hurt less.
“Oh, Luckee. How did none of us ever know? I’m the biggest failure bff ever. And no one, no one could ever think of you that way. You do everything. And you do it with compassion, and grace, and it makes me ashamed I never realized what you were dealing with.” She squeezed Luckee’s hand and gripped it tighter.
“This is why I hid it. It’s not our faults. It was Levi’s. And I ended it with him. No one had to ever know. And you took me to that party. And I had so much fun and saw Preston. Wow. I hadn’t imagined myself with anyone except Levi and finally, I did. Of course, in fantasy. I wanted to forget how Levi controlled and manipulated me. And he had to show up. But it’s like he’s always there. I can’t escape it. He died and everyone expected me to be the grieving girlfriend. But, I didn’t want to. Of course, I mourned. But his family, his friends, our friends, expected me to be the broken-hearted girl suffering the loss of her ideal love. I couldn’t be anyone else. I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. And I feel I will forever be her, and I have to live that role, the one they envision me as, and I can’t break free of the version he imposed on me. He repeated it over and over again, the slutty wannabe who never had any ambition other than working for her dad.” The words flowed. Luckee cracked the door and it sprung open. The burdens she carried alone and privately, she expressed.
“Luckee, you aren’t a slut. You never were. You can do this. You have been. The ‘Preston’ thing reopened old wounds. But you moved on. Don’t backslide. You got this. And you always have. And I have never seen you as any kind of victim. And now I know you were, but you aren’t. I understand I didn’t know about that side of Levi, but I don’t think anyone views you as weak or spineless. I love you. You just need to love you like we all do. And that’s my number one priority from here on.” Nicole picked up her cocktail napkin and dabbed her eyes. “You’re making me cry.”
“I’m sorry. And what’s your number one priority? Loving me more? You love me just plenty. I don’t know if I can handle anymore.” She chuckled and Nicole joined. “I’ve been stuck between the girl from that night and who I am and want to be. And being with Preston deterred me, encouraged me, and encumbered me until I don’t know up from down, or good from bad, or negative from positive. I’m a mess.”
“You are not. That’s my part of our friendship. For you to see yourself as everyone else does. I believe you already do, but you still allow something or someone to hold you back. Levi. Not anymore, girlfriend. I will wear the crown of best friend from here on.” Picking up her beer bottle, she tapped it into Luckee’s. “Come on, drink up. I’ve toasted to you…the greatest gal I
know.”
“Thank you. I think you’re pretty damn special too. I miss Preston. The Preston I spent time with.”
“I understand. But he spent time with you too, and he should never have jumped to any outrageous conclusions and he damn sure shouldn’t have offered you money. It’s inexcusable.” Nicole picked up the happy hour menu. “Wanna order some fried pickles? I’m hungry.”
“I should have told him.” If Luckee would have told him, would they still be together? She would never know now.
“Why should it matter? It happened years ago. And who the hell wants to remember something so negative and tragic? I’m fairly positive it would have surfaced eventually. It’s not like you’ve been dating for months or years,” Nicole reminded.
That’s what she tried to tell him. When would have been the right time to bring it up? “How did you know something went wrong with him and me?” Luckee’s intuition screamed at her she didn’t want to know.
Jerking upright, Nicole’s face stiffened. “Nothing. I just hadn’t heard from you since Friday night.”
“Liar. You didn’t come meet me after my dance class in a confrontational state over Preston because you hadn’t ‘heard’ from me. Fess up,” urged Luckee.
“I don’t wanna,” Nicole whined.
Sliding out of the booth, Luckee advised, “I’ll grab us both another beer. When I return, you will spill the beans.”
Sometime during the time she went to the bar and started back, Nicole gained the courage to share. Luckee’s rear hadn’t hit the seat when Nicole blurted, “Well, you know he and Lexie are friends. But when this post showed up on Instagram today, I figured something smelled rotten in Denmark, or Denver.” Shoving her phone into Luckee’s hands, she said, “I’m sorry. I really am.”
A picture of Lexie and Preston covered the screen. Dressed in ski gear, the caption read, “Hitting the slopes with this hottie.” The first thought that rushed her was how he didn’t waste any time going on a vacation and with Lexie. Actually, she first agreed with Lexie’s assessment of him being a hottie. Jumping to conclusions is what got them in the mess they were in. He said he and Lexie were friends. They were friends since high school.
Her heart ached. Her mind whirled with conflicting notions. He went away because he too was hurt. He didn’t want or intend to ever contact her again. He had the trip planned beforehand. He knew the ugly truth about her and would never see beyond it.
Chapter Five
Keeping busy had never been a problem, but no matter how much she did to avert her thoughts from Preston, nothing proved successful. She tried to force herself to hate him. At least dislike him. She reiterated, even speaking aloud to herself, how they never would have lasted long-term. Opening her laptop, she went and found Lexie’s pics of them in Colorado attesting he wasted no time moving on and their split didn’t affect him so she shouldn’t allow it to affect her. But nothing worked. The day she washed her sheets she stood beside her bed with the pillowcase he slept on in her hands. She breathed in the lingering scent of his cologne until she slumped to the floor bawling.
The past two Saturdays she baked at her parent’s house. All of her desserts sold out every Sunday and it inspired her. She had some business cards printed, created a facebook page, webpage, and the upcoming Sunday she would begin accepting orders for Valentine’s Day. Less than two weeks away and many of the locals stated they were going to place orders, she anticipated more work than she could handle. Her mom offered to help, and she accepted. If only it could remove the reality of not having a Valentine of her own. And, if only she could step inside a kitchen without memories of baking and making love with Preston. At least baking with her mom forced her to hold the tears back. Her mom asked about Preston once, but seeing the familiar quivering in Luckee’s chin, she hugged her and told her she loved her and to talk to her when she felt ready.
Cleaning up the last of the dishes with her mom she abandoned her silent, tough exterior and admitted, “I don’t think I can do it, Mom.” Of course her mom had no idea what she meant, because she didn’t tell anyone. Jessica invited her over that night. Supposedly just a small gathering celebrating some big contract Corey landed. And as much as Luckee didn’t want to attend, she did want to. Jessica mentioned Luther would be there, but she never said anything about Preston. Luckee felt obligated to go because of Luther. That was a lie. An excuse. What she felt was anxiety and nausea.
“Do what? The dessert thing? It’s going so well.” Her mother gave her the perplexed, ‘I believe in you,’ ‘I’ll support your decision,’ affectionate, empathetic, gaze she had throughout Luckee’s life.
“It’s not that. Jessica invited me to a get-together tonight, and I just don’t know if I can go.”
“Because of Preston? Do you need to avoid him?” Her mom’s eyebrows lifted in concern.
“No. Nothing like that. I’m not sure if he wants to see me. And, I’m not one hundred percent I want to see him.” It’s not like he contacted her since their confrontation. Obviously, he didn’t want to see her. Then again, she hadn’t contacted him either. And she wanted to see him. She did. Even if the outcome didn’t change, she had to know. She had to silence all the constant shifting in her mind. Did she imagine or fantasize they began something special together? Had she exaggerated it in her mind and heart because she had so little experience—no experience other than Levi?
“Lucille Elise, I can’t provide any input without more information. If you aren’t one hundred percent sure because you are insecure and no other reason, you already know what I think. You are beautiful and capable and I know your father and I both are fucking frustrated with you working all the time and removing yourself from the possibility of finding someone who knocks your socks off. And from what I observed, he did.”
Her mom just cussed. “Mom…mom—” And she referenced sex…kind of.
“What? The chemistry between the two of you could heat an entire city in a blizzard blackout,” her mom gushed. “Oh I remember when your dad and—”
“Mom, stop. Please. It’s that he and I come from really different backgrounds. I don’t even know what his aspirations are. And, there are more issues. I don’t know if we can fix it.”
Her mom clamped her fingers over Luckee’s shoulders and demanded, “Look at me, Luckee. All your worries are just that. You won’t ever know for sure if you keep to your apartment and only leave for work. Take a chance if you believe he’s worth it. Stop putting the cart before the horse. If things progress, you two will learn and discuss and make decisions best for you as a couple and as individuals. I don’t see you as someone that loses themselves or sacrifices their dreams for anyone. You weren’t all that wrapped up in Levi, no matter how hard he pressed you. And I know how difficult his death was and has been. No thanks to his mother’s unrelenting contact and requests for you to accompany her to the cemetery. Which, for the first two years I tolerated. But you two weren’t together when he died, and she is aware as well as your dad and me of that, and of Levi mistreating you.”
Luckee couldn’t interpret all her mom said. They knew? She always had a suspicion they did. They questioned her often during the times she and he were together. And the times they split up, they urged her to go out with friends, and they took up a lot of time with her.
“We never saw any signs of physical abuse. And we couldn’t make your decisions. You were an adult. Twenty-one when he died. And being my stubborn baby girl, you never wanted to listen or talk to me about anything bothering you or anything you deemed too personal. But after watching you recede into more isolation after each time Gabby contacted you and guilted you into going with her to pay your respects…I put an end to it this past year.”
Luckee didn’t realize it until her mom admitted to it. Levi’s mom, Gabby, didn’t call and text her repeatedly the past anniversary of his death until Luckee agreed to go with her. And Luckee never thought about it. She went on about her life and made every effort to live it without grief
and regret. And it didn’t make her a horrible person. “Mom, I love you. I’m going to the party,” she announced.
***
Small soiree, her ass. Luckee entered through the cracked open front door. The heat from the colossal, river rock fireplace thawed her exposed nose, cheeks, and hands immediately. Corey and Jessica not only cleared and graveled a large, square section up from their house for parking; they incorporated it to cover the entire dirt road from the highway. He must have gained a lucrative contract.
Everywhere she looked, there were people. In the family room. In the kitchen. Through the kitchen and out the expanse of windows encompassing the back end of the home, out on the deck, were people.
Attempting to locate anyone she knew, she heard her name called. Luther. He stood at the kitchen island, surrounded by people, mixing drinks. “What would you like, pretty lady?” He waved her over.
Everything in moderation. She lived by that. One drink couldn’t hurt. Some liquid courage could soothe her nerves. “What is it you have going on here? I might try one of those.”
“These are pretty potent li’l lady. You think you can handle it.” He didn’t truly ask, because he poured her a large cup and put it in her hand. “Cheers.” Tapping his cup with hers, he put his to his mouth and she did the same.
