by TJ Klune
It was here. Us. The evidence of a life lived together. I was scared, but fear only strengthened my resolve.
He closed the door behind us, shutting us away from the world. He leaned against it and looked at me.
I let my gaze trail over him, stopping at the mark on his neck.
My mark.
A fiery sense of satisfaction rose within me, seeing it there. Knowing what it meant.
“Like what you see?” he asked.
“More than you know,” I said honestly. Then, “Are you… okay with this? I know sex isn’t—”
“Asexual people have sex,” he said quietly.
“I know. But I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do. I need you to be okay. That’s more important.”
He pushed himself off the door. “Strange.”
“What?”
He chuckled. “You said the same thing to me the first time we had sex. That you were worried that you were making me do something I didn’t want to do. I loved you for it then, and I love you for it now.”
“Oh,” I said, face growing warm. I scratched the back of my neck. “I guess some things don’t change.”
“I guess they don’t,” he agreed, taking a step toward me.
I stepped back. My legs bumped into the edge of the bed. I sat down.
He stood in front of me, miles and miles of skin on display.
There was heat here, rumbling within me, low and warm, almost like fire.
He lifted my shirt up and over my head, then let it fall to the floor.
He pressed a hand against my chest, pushing me back on the bed.
He crawled on top of me, hands on either side of my head, knees against my hips.
He leaned down and kissed me, long and slow. He deepened the kiss slightly, his tongue swiping against my lips, but he didn’t push further.
I brought my hand to the back of his head, holding him in place.
He hummed against my mouth. I opened my eyes to see orange up close.
My fangs itched in my gums.
“You’ll see it,” I whispered. “Aileen said you’ll see it all when I do. You’ll see everything.”
He said, “I know,” and he kissed me again and again and again.
It wasn’t fierce, the way he loved me. It wasn’t the burning fire of passion. It was heavy and soft. It was love unlike anything else I’d felt. My hands tightened in the comforter as he kissed my chest, hands on the button of my jeans. He pulled the zipper down, reaching inside and holding on to me, his hand hot as he caressed me.
He didn’t take me in his mouth, but he didn’t need to. Instead he brought his hand to his lips and, while he knew I was watching, licked his palm slowly. And then his hand was back on me, slick and hot, moving up and down, squeezing just right.
And later, much later, when we were both slick with sweat, our pupils blown out, me above him, his legs over my shoulders, his cock half-hard against his stomach, he said my name like a whispered prayer. In my head a rattling metal door shook in its frame as I thrust into him with a snap of my hips. His claws scratched my back, and it was almost here, it was almost time, and I couldn’t stop, I wouldn’t stop, not for anything.
Right before I came, he whispered, “Use the memory of my fangs in your skin.”
And then he reared up, face elongating, and I cried out as he bit down, as he loved me, as he loved me, as I—
I
I
I
I am standing in front of a wooden door. My stomach is in knots. I’m nervous, so fucking nervous, but this is important. I calm my heart, even though they have to hear it. Hear me. Alpha Hughes’s voice is still whispering in my head, telling me to keep my eyes open for anything and everything and to tell her all I see, no matter how small, no matter how minute.
I knock.
The door opens.
“Wolf,” this strange and wondrous human says.
I grin at him. “Ox. I come in peace and bring tidings of great joy. My name is Robbie Fontaine. You may have known my predecessor, Osmond.”
It’s the wrong thing to say.
Wolves snarl just out of sight.
“Yeah, probably not the best idea to mention that name. That’s my bad. Won’t happen again. Well, I—”
I
I
I
I want him. I don’t know why. I’m supposed to watch them and report back East, but I’m starting to leave little details out, starting to keep things hidden, and it’s dangerous, it’s wrong, but I can’t bring myself to stop it. He’s here, Ox, and he’s unlike anyone I’ve ever known before. I tell myself it’s just a crush, I tell myself it’s just infatuation, but there is this pulse in my chest, this light, and I think it’s because of him, and I—
I
I
I
I kiss him.
He pushes me away.
He tells me no.
It’s not a broken heart I feel.
But it’s close.
I run, I run as fast as I can, howling under the moon, and I—
I
I
I
I am standing on the porch of the house, and there are people coming, people I don’t know, and Ox is there, he’s saying be ready, be ready, and Elizabeth’s eyes are more alive than I’ve ever known them to be, and Mark is frowning, and Rico and Chris and Tanner are moving side to side, nervous, unsure of what’s happening, what’s coming for us.
Men.
Four of them.
Heads shaved.
One’s a witch.
Three are wolves.
I don’t know them.
But my pack does, and I stutter over that thought, I almost break at it, because this is my pack, these are my people, these are the ones who I would do anything for.
One is an Alpha.
Two Betas.
One witch.
And there’s something about one of the Betas I can’t quite put my finger on, can’t quite grasp. It’s like a little bird, wings fluttering in the back of my mind, but then it flits away, gone before I can stop it. I don’t like this, I don’t like this, I—
I
I
I’m moving faster now. I’m like a comet trailing light and stardust behind me. I can’t stop, and it hurts, oh my god it hurts, but there’s a voice from somewhere deep inside me, and it’s saying here here here look here look here LoveMatePack see me see me very well and I—
I
I
I
I open my eyes.
Kelly Bennett says, “What are you doing out here?”
I squint at him. The sunlight is bright, and I smell grass and what seems like lake water, which is strange, given there’s no lake nearby. “I’m thinking.”
“About what?” He sounds suspicious, but I tell myself it’s because he doesn’t know me very well yet. Richard Collins is dead, and Joe and Ox are mated, and we’re breathing.
I shrug. “Things. Nothing too important.”
“You’re weird.” He says this, but he isn’t leaving. I don’t know why. But it doesn’t bother me. He’s… well. He’s Kelly. He’s a little cold, but sometimes I catch myself watching him when he smiles.
“I was reading,” I tell him. “And then I just decided that I wanted to think.”
“What were you reading?”
I waggle my eyebrows. “A pirate story. He was plundering some booty.”
He grimaces as I show him the cover, a woman in a frilly dress pressed against the bare chest of a pirate with the terrible name of Captain Peter Longhook. “Ox said you read those books.”
I snort. “Those books. Wow. That was a lot of disdain in just two words. Congrats, I guess.”
And then he laughs.
In the scheme of things, it should be nothing.
It’s small, and it surprises him as much as it does me.
Later, when I’m trying to sleep, I’ll replay it over and over again in my head, this moment,
these few seconds, as it’s the first time I ever made Kelly Bennett laugh.
He doesn’t leave.
He sits next to me.
He doesn’t talk much, but that’s okay. I talk enough for the both of us. I—
I
i
i am wolf
i am wolf and kelly
needs food
kelly must have food
deer i will kill him a deer
biggest deer
there you are deer
i will kill you
deer is faster than me
stupid deer
i hate you deer
something else
i run back to house
i find a box
crackers
kelly likes crackers in yellow box
i bring them
i bring them to him
he isn’t taking box
why
moon is bright and he won’t take crackers
i put them down
push them
he growls at me
i growl back
he
he
takes box
shakes head
box breaks
crackers in grass
not deer but okay
he eats crackers
better than deer
i
i
I
“I need to tell you something,” I say, my voice strong. “And I know it might be surprising to hear from me, but I think… I think you’re amazing. I think you’re wonderful. I don’t know if there’s anyone like you in all the world, Kelly. And I know you probably don’t think of me the same way, and that’s okay. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I would never do that. I just… I look at you, sometimes, and my heart is in my throat and I can’t breathe. I guess that means you take my breath away, ha, ha, but… goddammit. This is fucking awful.”
I shake my head in disgust
My reflection in the mirror in my bedroom does the same.
I sigh as I drag my feet toward the door. I’m late for training, and Ox will kick my ass if I take any longer. It’s probably for the best, anyway. Kelly doesn’t see me like that. There’s no scent of arousal when I’m around him. And Kelly…
…is standing on the other side of the door, arm raised as if to knock, but he’s frozen, his eyes wide.
Well, fuck.
“Please tell me you didn’t hear anything just now,” I beg him.
He drops his hand, blinking slowly. “Um.”
I put my face in my hands and groan.
He says, “I take your breath away?”
I drop my hands. “All right. Have at it.”
“Have at what?”
I grind my teeth together. “Laugh it up. Make fun of me. I know I’m being stupid. I know I’m—”
“You’re serious?” he demands.
“Ye-es?”
He takes a step back. It’s like he’s stabbed me right in the chest.
“I won’t bother you,” I mutter, looking down at my shoes. “Just… forget it.”
I start to push by him when he says, “No.”
I stop. “No what?”
“I’m not going to forget it.”
“Um, why?”
He nods. “I’m… okay. With it.”
I gape at him, unable to form words. Okay with it isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement, but I have to stop from howling for everyone to hear.
His nostrils flare, and he rolls his eyes. “I’m not going to have sex with you. Stop it.”
I have no fucking idea what he’s talking about.
He says, “Look. I… might like you. At least a little bit.”
I say, “Oh. Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Uh. Me too. A little bit.”
He says, “I figured.”
I say, “What gave it away?”
He says, “The crackers. You brought me crackers.”
And I say, “I tried to kill you a deer but it was too fast and oh my god, are you for real right now?”
And it happens again. That little laugh, and I swear to god I never want to hear anything but that sound ever again.
He smiles at me.
I smile back.
I—
I
I
I
I don’t see it coming. The first moment. And that’s what makes it so extraordinary; it means so much because it’s so small. One moment I’m telling Kelly a story about how I once got fleas as a wolf, and he’s laughing, laughing, laughing, and then he stops laughing, looking at me with a curious expression. I’m about to ask him what’s wrong, about to tell him I don’t still have fleas, if that’s what he’s worried about, when he leans over, light and quick, and kisses the corner of my mouth.
He pulls away just as fast, cheeks darkening as he leans back against the tree we’re sitting under.
“What was that for?” I ask him quietly.
He says, “Because I wanted to.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Can you maybe do it again some time?”
He smiles. “Yeah. Maybe.”
I—
I
I
I
I ask, “What is this?” as we walk through the woods.
He laughs, taking my hand in his. “It’s nothing. Just… why do you ask so many questions all the time?”
I bump his shoulder against mine. “I need you to come with me. That’s what you said. You have to know how that sounds. All mysterious.”
“It’s… goddammit. I’m not trying to be mysterious.”
I don’t believe him. But it doesn’t matter. Because there is nowhere else I’d rather be.
He says, “I know,” like he can hear my thoughts. Maybe he can. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Having someone know me like that. It’s not the same as hearing the wolf thoughts through the bond. That’s a matter of pack. This is a matter of the heart.
I go with him, because even if he’s being mysterious, I would follow him everywhere.
He takes me to the tree where he kissed me for the first time.
(And where I kissed him the second time a few days later.)
He’s working himself up toward something, and I think I should be nervous, think that something’s wrong, but he’s green, he’s so green like he’s relieved, and I don’t know what it could be.
And then he says, “I have something for you.” He slides the backpack off his back, putting it between us. He leans back against the tree.
I look down at the bag. “Like a present?”
“Sort of. I… just… ugh. This shouldn’t be so hard.”
I take his hand again, squeezing his fingers in mine. “It’s okay. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
He looks at me. “You mean that, don’t you?”
I blink. “Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”
He shakes his head. “It’s not—it doesn’t matter.” And then he says three words he’s never said to me before, three words that I know in my heart he feels but never had been spoken aloud.
He says, “I love you.”
My eyes are wet as I smile at him. I don’t care about that. “I love you too.”
He exhales. “Good.”
“Good,” I agree, itching to tackle him, to cover him with my entire body, to let him know that I’ve got him, I’ve got him, I’ve got him.
I wait, because he’s not finished.
He reaches down for the backpack and unzips it, and right before he opens it, right before he takes out the object inside, I realize what this is.
What this means.
“My father gave this to me,” he whispers as he pulls a stone wolf out of the bag. And even though I should be surprised that it looks so much like my own, I’m not. It fits because we fit. There’s something infinite about us, and I tell myself I will never forget this moment. The way he looks. The way he smells. The sunlight on the back of my neck and th
e grass beneath us. Every piece and part of it I memorize, storing away to keep it safe. To keep it whole. “He told me one day I would know who it belongs to. Who I would want to give it to.”
“And you want to give it to me,” I whisper back.
He nods.
He holds it out to me.
And it’s that simple.
I take it from him, and then I tackle him. He’s laughing, and I’m laughing, and I’m kissing every inch of him that I can get my mouth on, promising him all the while that I’m going to love him forever, that I’m going to be the best mate, just you wait and see, Kelly, I promise you, you’re never going to be disappointed for choosing me, you’re never going to think you’ve made a mistake, because I will do everything for you, and I will never, ever forget you, I—
I
I cry out as he bites into my shoulder before I sink my own teeth into his flesh, and it all snaps into place, this bond between us, this thread of shining light that wraps itself around my heart and tightens. There’s blood in my mouth, and it’s all grass and lake water and sunshine and he’s summer-warm and I know what’s next, I know what’s going to happen next, and I don’t want it, I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to remember. I want to stay here with him, stay here in this moment where everything is wonderful and nothing hurts. And I—
I
I
I
I can’t.
Because it’s not who I am.
I see that now.
I see all that I am and all that I’ve become.
Who these people have made me into.
I am good.
I am loved.
I am wolf.
I am Bennett.
I am packpackpack.
There’s a door.
In the middle of a clearing.
It’s metal.
But when I touch it, I realize it’s an illusion.
It’s not metal at all.
It’s glass.
There’s a wolf next to me.
White with a splattering of black.
His eyes are red.
He presses his nose against my forehead, and I say, “Oh.”
And then he’s gone.
But others have taken his place.
All of them.
Here. With me.
Gordo says, “Kid, it’s time.”
Elizabeth says, “We’ve got you.”
Jessie says, “We’re here for you.”
Rico says, “Until the end.”
Tanner says, “It’s gonna hurt, but then it’ll be over.”
