Travesty

by Carrie Thomas

  I never asked where he’d been, but he always apologized profusely about me coming home to an empty house. This told me he was with someone. There was no errand he had that couldn’t be done with me or after work. I wanted to find out who he was with and what they were doing, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t my business. I kept telling myself to leave it alone. I couldn’t expect a guy, one who had to grow up so fast and had been living an adult life for so long, to humor me.

  I was trying to keep things slow with Rob, even though I was growing to care about him. He didn’t push me about things and he never asked too many questions about my family. The times he and Abe were in the same room, they kept it casual, and that was okay with me.

  I only knew of one time when Abe had said anything out of line to him. Rob told me later that Abe had threatened to kick his ass if he hurt me, but I didn’t get upset because he was only looking out for me. I also didn’t voice to Rob how serious Abe was when he told him that. I’d seen him in action first hand. It wasn’t pretty.

  “It smells awesome in here,” Abe commented, walking into Cal and Tonya’s kitchen.

  “It should. We’ve been cooking since this morning.” I giggled because it was inevitable with him where food was concerned.

  “I can’t wait,” he said rubbing his stomach.

  I felt sorry for him, so I threw him a roll behind Tonya’s back. He could eat three times the amount that I could. I’d learned that early on, when we’d started cooking meals at our house.

  “I saw that, Soph,” Tonya chided from the stove.

  “Sorry, his eyes looked sad.” Tonya shook her head at me and continued cooking. She and Cal had invited us to spend Christmas with them, so we had been cooking all day for the feast.

  It felt so normal, having everyone there. Tonya’s family, along with most of the ranch hands, were celebrating together. Their house was loud and full of laughter and conversations throughout every room. After we had dinner, everyone gathered around the huge Christmas tree in the front room.

  Cal made an announcement to everyone just as it quieted down. “We just want to personally thank each of you for making it a profitable year. We wouldn’t be able to do it without you guys. All of you,” he said holding up his glass.

  Everyone nodded their heads, while I turned to Abe and smiled. He smiled back, but looked preoccupied. I turned back to Cal, wondering what Abe was thinking. It was typically such a happy time. I hoped he wasn’t thinking back on his childhood. He kept most of it locked up tight on the inside, but every now and then, I was able to read his body language and it hurt me to see him hurting.

  “We have a gift for everyone. Basically, we just wanted to let all of you know how much we truly appreciate your hard work.”

  After Cal’s speech, they passed out envelopes to every employee. I watched as Abe received his, wondering what was inside it. I couldn’t help but act like a little kid. I was thrilled to see what they were getting. “Hurry, Abe,” I whispered.

  “Hang on.” He laughed. “Holy shit,” he whispered leaning over my shoulder showing me the check. Bellows of laughter and high fives echoed around us. Everyone was congratulating each other, except me and Abe. We couldn’t believe what we were seeing. “It’s five grand.”

  “Abe?” I covered my mouth with my hands, feeling so grateful. “That’s awesome!”

  “I can’t believe this. I’ve only been here for a few months. This has to be a mistake.”

  “Ask Cal.”

  “I will later. I don’t want to bring it up right now with everyone here.”

  I put my hand on his leg to lift myself up. I walked over and gave Cal and Tonya a hug. I couldn’t believe there were two people on this earth who were so good; they were the epitome of kindness. I hadn’t meant to tear up, but I couldn’t stop the flow. We were so lucky to have met them. They’d completely taken us in with no questions asked. I excused myself to the restroom because I couldn’t hold back the tears. I slipped out before anyone could notice how red my face was.

  I spent five minutes washing my face with cold water. I kept staring at my reflection, wondering how much I had changed. It was odd not to know the answer. Would my former self have loved living in the country? Would I have been as reserved as I was now? I shook my head, scolding myself for questions I couldn’t answer. I opened the door to slip out, when I heard whispering and giggling.

  “You’re so bad.”

  “You like it,” I heard Abe tease.

  “You know I do.”

  I took a step further in the hallway because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt like I needed to see it for myself. I knew Abe was being flirty with someone and as self-torturing as it was, I wanted to know who it was. I glanced up to see Paco’s sister. Abe was smiling, looking his age for once. His eyes twinkled and his hair was wild from her running her fingers through it. My stomach rolled and I felt as though I would be sick. I had never seen him so carefree; it made me sad. He didn’t look at me like that, or even joke with me for that matter.

  My legs took me in their direction before I even knew what I was doing. I hadn’t planned on saying anything, I just wanted to eavesdrop on him. But the closer I got, the angrier I became. They were holding each other close, pretending to bite each other, and my breaking point was when she grabbed a handful of his ass. Pissed off and hurt, I wanted him to know that I saw him.

  Shallow breaths didn’t allow me to calm down as sweat broke out on my palms. I wanted to be territorial with him and even though I knew I couldn’t—I had to do something.

  “Soph, what are you doing back here?” he asked, trying to play it off.

  “I could ask you the same damn thing,” I said, crossing my arms.

  He raised his eyebrow in surprise at the bite behind my words. I’d never spoken to him that way. Even when I was in a bad mood, I chose to stay quiet. I wanted to say more, but it wasn’t lost on me that everyone here, including Tori, believed us to be siblings. He was troubled, I could tell, but so was I.

  “We were just going back to the party,” he said leading Tori down the hallway. Her facial expression was perplexed.

  I closed my eyes after seeing his hand on her back. I knew he had been with other girls, he’d told me as much. But actually seeing it had put the devastating reality into perspective. He walked away without looking back at me. He may as well have stabbed me in the gut.

  My body felt like a livewire. I couldn’t have counted my heartbeats if I’d wanted to. My chest rose and fell with a chaotic rhythm, one I hadn’t felt in a long time. The numbness in my left arm scared me a little as I walked back into the living room. I need to get out of here. I kept my head down, searching for my coat and anything else I had. My brain was so scattered, I couldn’t remember if I’d brought my purse or not.

  Tonya took one look at me and called me over. “What’s wrong, babe?”

  “Oh, I’m just—I have a headache. I’m not feeling well, I think I’m going to go lie down.” I couldn’t talk about it.

  “Wait. We haven’t given you your present.” Her smile was big. I felt even worse that I was having a mental breakdown in the middle of our Christmas dinner. I hadn’t even thought about presents.

  “Oh, I didn’t—”

  “Come outside. I won’t embarrass you in front of everyone.” She pulled me by my arm, leading me to the door. She had mistaken my heartbreak for modesty and I wasn’t going to correct her. She and Cal escorted me out the back door and down the steps. “Surprise!”

  I stood in the gravel driveway, stunned. “What? Is this for me?”

  “You bet your sweet ass it is. It’s not much, but it will get you to school and back without having to ride that damn bus every day,” she said, ushering me toward an old, but new to me, Honda Accord.

  “I can’t—I don’t even have my license. I can’t accept this, it’s too much.”

  “Yes, you can. You and Abe are good kids. We want you to have it,” Cal said.

&n
bsp; I felt like a piece of crap. Why are they so nice to us? I let out a huge breath and glanced from the car and back to them. I walked over and hugged them both. I couldn’t believe they were in our lives. My tears bubbled to the surface once again, and I didn’t even care this time. I felt like I was on a damn rollercoaster. First, I was angry, then hurt, now humbled.

  I wiped my cheeks with my sleeve and sniffed so I could address them. “Thank you. I don’t even know when or if I can pay you back.”

  “No. Sophia, we don’t want you to. It’s a gift. You’re doing so well in school and with your photography. We just wanted you to know we’re proud of you and you deserve it.” Tonya hugged me.

  “Thank you so much. I love it.” I hugged her tight, clinging onto her warmth for reasons she’d never understand.

  “You’re welcome. Now you go get rid of that headache, so Abe can teach you how to drive. You’ll be ready to take your test in no time.”

  I smiled. “Thank you. I’ve never had anyone care so much for me. It means a lot.” I looked both of them in the eye.

  “That’s not true, babe. That brother of yours over there,” Tonya said pointing at Abe who was now on the porch, “is over the moon for you. I can see it in his eyes, along with the way he protects you.”

  I looked from Tonya to Abe, taking in his blank stare at the ground. I mentally dared him to look at me and he did. What he didn’t do was take one step toward me. His hands were in his pockets and he looked stiff. I watched him watching me for a few moments. His nervous eyes never left mine and it was heartbreaking. I swallowed my cry, then looked back at her. “Thank you again.”

  “You’re welcome. Merry Christmas! And thank you so much for our pictures, we love them.”

  “You’re welcome.” Now my black and white prints of the ranch and them riding a horse together didn’t seem like such a great gift, considering what they had just given me.

  I turned back toward our house and didn’t look back. I should’ve been excited and happy because of the holiday, or the fact I’d been given an awesome gift, but my deep feelings kept coming up from the pit of my gut, making me sad.

  For a fleeting moment, I felt even worse that I’d discarded Rob in a matter of minutes, but part of me understood I didn’t feel for him what I felt for Abe. I’d known it since the beginning. I just hoped whatever Abe and I had going on would work itself out, without either of us getting hurt. Obviously, that was a dumb thought.

  It wasn’t like I was going to leave, I had nowhere to go, but living the travesty that was once only a lie, was slowly becoming our truth with the people we considered friends and family. My feelings were growing deeper for him with each passing day, while his feelings had me as nothing more than a sister to him.

  Once I made it back to our house, I walked inside and went straight to my bed. It was depressing and immature, but I cried until I had nothing left. I let it all out and did it in peace, because Abe hadn’t followed me home. I wouldn’t have wanted him to see me like that anyway.

  How could the topside of love make you feel like you’re floating high in the sky, while the downside of love sunk deep in the crevices, almost lurking in the darkness?

  My eyes stung from the soreness. When they got heavy forty minutes later, I gave in and fell asleep. Merry Christmas to me.

  I felt like a complete asshole—on Christmas day, no less. Soph had talked me into a Charlie Brown Christmas tree and honestly, decorating it with her was one of the best nights of my life. We’d laughed and thrown popcorn at each other. I was so lost in her beauty . . . on the inside and out. I had no idea how she’d became so nurturing, but I ate it up. She wanted to take care of me and it only fueled my feelings for her.

  Everything up until that point was confusing. If only we lived in a world where neither of us had to be responsible. If only we’d been a couple of years older when everything happened, we could’ve just gone on about our business and no one would have asked any questions. But that wasn’t our reality.

  We were young, and adults would be curious about us. In order to keep our lives as simple as possible, and keep her in a positive routine, I had to nix anything that would make our lives harder. We needed to set boundaries, and once she’d gained some friends and a boyfriend, I felt it was time. She was finally opening up to them, and becoming more social. It was up to me to make sure she continued. She depended on me heavily and the last thing I wanted was for her to look back, years from now, and wish she’d done more things on her own.

  I’d played it off with Tori after we ran into Sophia in the hallway. She was asking why my sister was so pissed, and I explained it was because we were close and I hadn’t told her I was seeing anyone. She believed me, not seeming concerned by it. That was by far in her best interest because I wasn’t going tell her the truth either way.

  Seeing the hurt in Sophia’s eyes had shattered me. I’d never felt so guilty about my own actions in all my life, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. Hanging out with Tori was fun, but neither she nor I wanted anything serious. She’d been up front with me from the beginning and I was perfectly fine with that. Things couldn’t be how I wanted them to be, so what was I supposed to do?

  Sophia was dating someone, and I didn’t want to sit back and watch. Hell, I’d probably kill someone if that was all I had to do. Tori was cool and filled my time, not to mention, kept me from screwing shit up with Sophia. I didn’t want to have her available to me. I didn’t want to be available for her. We were both hanging on by a thread, and staying out of each other’s way was a better solution than trying to tempt fate.

  I waited two hours before I finally went back to the bunk house. I helped Cal clean up after all the present opening and I’d brought Sophia’s new car back to the house. I’d casually mentioned to Cal I was planning on getting her a car, but he and Tonya had found a good deal and wanted to get it for her. I wasn’t about to argue with a pregnant Tonya.

  I still had a present to give Sophia, but I didn’t think she would be in the mood. I needed to prepare a good apology to make things right, but at the same time, I didn’t feel like there was anything to apologize for.

  Making my way down the hallway to her bedroom, I was nervous about how to approach her. She was laying on her side, with her perfect legs folded and my T-shirt riding up her ribcage. She was so damn beautiful, it made me weak. She didn’t have a clue what she did to me. I walked in and put her present on the nightstand and covered her up.

  The thing was, I loved her and I knew it, I was just too scared to admit it. If we’d chosen the other path—saying we were together, actually being together—there would have been way too many consequences.

  Her memory was coming back, little things anyway, and I wanted it all to come back for her. Standing in the way of something that important didn’t sit well with me. She didn’t need any distractions. I still didn’t want her to remember her awful parents, but she would always wonder what if, if she didn’t. She needed to remember those things on her own time.

  I fought my conscience daily, going back and forth about telling her what I’d learned in Oklahoma. If she didn’t ever remember them, fine, but if she did, I wanted it to be on her own. At least then, she’d have the details I couldn’t give her. Every night, just before I went to sleep, I came to the conclusion I didn’t have the heart to tell her they didn’t want her.

  It killed me to not know what she’d been through before I’d found her. I hated thinking about it. I flip-flopped between not wanting the lie between us and not wanting to see her cry. How could she not? Finding out your parents didn’t want you was a special kind of low. It had a way of making you feel less than; not good enough. I should know.

  I knew she probably wouldn’t have wanted me to, but I kissed her hair and touched her swollen face. I knew she had been crying and that made me feel even worse. After making sure she was tucked in, I went into the living room and watched It’s a Wonderful Life, cursing myself at the irony.

&nb
sp; A soft voice interrupted my dream. “Hey.”

  I sat up on the couch. I guess I’d fallen asleep. “Hey, what time is it?”

  “It’s early. I’m sorry, I just . . .” She looked around the room nervously. Her hands clasped together, left leg bent, curling her painted toes into the carpet.

  I could tell she wanted to say more, but didn’t exactly know where to start. Neither did I, so I just went straight for the apology. “Soph, I’m sorry.”

  “Me too.” She hugged herself.

  “Come here.” I patted the cushion next to me.

  She sat down and pulled my old T-shirt around her knees. I loved it when she wore my clothes. It made me feel like she was mine, like she wanted a piece of me with her at night.

  “I didn’t say anything about Tori because it’s not that serious.”

  “Do you have sex with her?” she asked bluntly.

  “Umm, I don’t—”

  “Just answer the question, Abe. You always treat me like I’m twelve,” she huffed.

  I racked my brain for a way to put it where I didn’t seem like a jerk. Nothing came to mind, and I knew she was too stubborn to leave it alone. “Soph—it’s just physical. She doesn’t want anything serious and neither do I.”

  “I find it hard to believe you think sex isn’t serious. You’re willing to have it so casually, while I’m terrified to go there with someone I’ve been seeing for months,” she admitted. Her eyes darted to her side as she fondled a piece of string from the couch cushion.

  “I know it’s messed up. It’s just what I’ve always done. I don’t know what else to say.” I shrugged, knowing I’d just admitted something shameful to her.

  After a few moments of silence, she pulled her legs out of the shirt and turned toward me on the couch. Calmly, she got up on her knees and quietly tucked her feet under her butt as she looked me directly in the eyes.

  “I love you,” she said nervously. She licked her lips, still holding my gaze.