by Meg Collett
“If you ever—”
“Please.”
“Talk to me again—”
My heart. God, my heart.
“I will kill you.”
I pressed my lips together as I shattered.
I lost myself in that moment.
To a free fall from which I would never ascend.
There was a great weight in losing a best friend. A sister. And it was bound around my ankles. It dragged me down.
Down.
Down.
Down.
“You are no friend of mine,” she said.
And I believed her.
T W E N T Y - T W O
Ollie
The day was a cold one with the first nip of fall. The bite of winter like a promise whispered late at night. At the sea’s edge, the breeze blew crisply, enough to make me shiver. The clouds hung low and wispy, blocking the sun, stealing the light.
It was a good day for a funeral.
Luke unfolded the piece of paper in his hand, studied it, then began.
I wasn’t ready.
I would never be ready.
Luke, I’d said the night before, when I was ironing the single black dress I owned. Luke, why don’t you hate me for knowing and not telling you? Why don’t you hate me like Sunny hates me?
She doesn’t hate you. She’s your sister, Ollie.
She hates me. I knew about Hatter’s death and I didn’t tell her.
You were saving her. She will understand with time, and she’ll forgive you.
And you?
Luke had looked pale. His color hadn’t returned since finding Hatter in Sunny’s arms. When he’d lifted his face and stared back at me, his eyes like dusty emeralds, I had thought he was about to fall apart. But he hadn’t.
Instead, he’d simply said, I’ve been mourning Hatter since the first day I met him. I’ve always known it would come to this moment, this day. I can’t hate you for knowing something for one day that I’ve known almost my entire life.
I’d cried when he told me that.
I thought I might cry right now, before it even began.
Like I’d said, it was a good day for a funeral.
“They called you the Mad Hatter.”
Luke paused, his eyes locked on the piece of paper before him. The paper was tattered and crumbled, stained and sticky. It had been through the ringer the past few days. I’d seen him carry it everywhere. He never wrote on it that I saw, but he held it like he could pull Hatter back through the void with his words alone.
We were at Tick Tock Bay. Friends closest to Hatter, including the Barrow hunters who’d come down for the service, sat in chairs leading up to a small platform, where Luke and Sunny stood behind a small podium that held a silver urn. At their backs, the waves rolled in, soft and easy like they had all the time in the world.
“And they were right,” Luke continued, his voice a little deeper. “Because you were crazy. You were the most insane person I’d ever met, but to know your version of madness was to know true acceptance. Because with you, there was no judgment. A person could be their fucked-up, wrecked selves, and you would always make them feel like the normal one in a conversation. That was your talent, but I know the toll it took on you. To always be the craziest person in the room. To always smile and laugh and joke even when you felt broken inside.”
Sunny leaned forward and, surprising me, read from Luke’s page. “You had a terrible childhood with parents who didn’t deserve you. Like so many others in this world, you were raised on a diet of fear and pain. You endured your childhood alone, but you didn’t let all that fear and pain shape you into a monster. You stayed true to yourself, and then, when you needed each other most, you found Luke. You found a brother.”
At this, Luke’s jaw clenched tight, and he looked up toward the bay.
Without glancing up at him, Sunny threaded her arm around his waist, and at the sight of Luke leaning into her, my throat ached. The vision of my best friends swam before me. I pressed a hand to my mouth and bowed my head. Someone behind me settled their hand on my shoulder.
“But you found a brother,” Sunny repeated softly before continuing. “You told me once that you and Luke were meant for each other. That you’d saved each other during those dark years. That a brotherhood was something unbreakable and unbendable in a world full of broken, bent things. Hatter”—Sunny’s voice hitched—“I hope you knew when you left this world that you had more than just one brother. You had hundreds of sisters and brothers who loved you, who knew you saved them day after day, again and again, even when we didn’t deserve to be saved.”
It began small, like the waves whispering against the rocky shore. It started with one person at the very back, near the school’s fence, cheering. Another started clapping. Then more started yelling. The sound built the way a tsunami did, gathering speed and momentum until it was a wrecking force crashing for the edge of the bay where I sat. I looked back at the crowd as they cheered and yelled, clapped and stomped their feet. The noise rattled the surrounding trees, and a murder of crows took to the sky, dark blots against the gray clouds.
Up at the podium, a touch of a smile flickered at Luke’s mouth.
“When we were first-years, our professors said you’d never last,” Luke said, and the cheering died down as his voice echoed across the bay. “They said you were too crazy, too wild. They said you would get yourself killed before you learned how to be a real hunter. They said you burned too hot. Your fire was too bright and uncontrollable. They said you would get me or any partner you had killed.”
Here, Luke took a shaky breath. When he exhaled, it whooshed across the microphone. He looked up at the crowd, his eyes glinting like emeralds. “But you showed those motherfuckers, didn’t you?”
The crowd went wild, louder than before. A laugh escaped my mouth, mostly out of surprise as I twisted in my seat and looked back at the sea of bodies leading up to the school. Behind me, Marley met my eyes and smiled softly. Mr. Clint sat beside her, his eyes red.
The crowd cheered for a long time. I watched them, soaking up their strength for a second.
When they fell silent and it was Sunny’s turn to read, she stared at the page. The silence turned heavy. The previous energy of the crowd shifted. Behind her, the ocean whispered its comforting sounds. She swayed.
Luke’s arm went around her back, and they held each other up. He whispered something in her ear. She nodded. Like she was a piece of fragile glass, he turned her against his side. She pressed her face against his shirt. Her shoulders shook as she wept. Holding her up, he picked up the tattered piece of paper with a deep breath.
I had never loved him more as he took over for Sunny, reading what she couldn’t bring herself to read.
“You wanted to matter, Hatter,” he said, his voice like sandpaper.
I began to tremble. I knew why Sunny couldn’t read this. I didn’t know how Luke could.
This was it. This was what had taken Hatter from us.
This was why he’d done what he did.
Marley’s hand again went to my shoulder. Without overthinking it, I put my hand over hers and held on.
“You wanted to do your part and make a difference in this war. You knew, even from a young age, you would give your life to this purpose. You never intended to live long. Dying young was a weight you shouldered bravely because you knew, somehow, that your life would matter.”
As Luke read Sunny’s words, he slowed down, and the first sign of emotion welled in his eyes.
“You mattered, Hatter. You found a way. You saved us all. You were the best of us, and we will miss you every day and with every breath. You mattered to this war. To this cause. To these people and this school. To every student and every professor and hunter. You mattered to your brother and to your best friend. You mattered to me.”
Luke set the paper down and hugged Sunny tighter against his side. He whispered something else down to her that only she could hear. When he finished, sh
e nodded against his shirt. She leaned back, swiping at her red, tear-streaked face. With a trembling breath, she faced the microphone. Her eyes scanned the page, but she knew the words like they were burned into her soul. They were burned into her soul.
“You mattered,” she started and paused to clear her throat. Louder, she said, “You mattered to me.”
Her eyes rose to the sky.
To the clouds, she said, “And I love you. I will always love you.”
Together, she and Luke picked up the silver urn and carried it to the water’s edge. Luke opened it and tucked the delicate lid into his pocket. He paused, and I thought maybe he couldn’t do it. Maybe he couldn’t lift the urn and tip it over, spilling Hatter’s ashes into the world. But he was just waiting. The wind stirred, blowing across my back, and together, he and Sunny raised the urn and gently overturned it.
His ashes lifted into the air and spiraled out over the bay’s dark, lapping waters. They rose up, up, up and disappeared in the sunlight far out over the ocean.
Luke returned the lid to the urn and tucked it under his arm. With his other arm, he hugged Sunny close and kissed her cheek. She trembled against him, her eyes on the bay as Hatter faded from view.
At some point, my fingers had threaded through Marley’s. I clung to her hand. I shook so violently my chair rattled beneath me. And I was crying, my other hand pressed tightly against my belly.
Around me, people stood and moved up to the road to drive back into Kodiak, where we would continue to celebrate Hatter’s life at a local dive bar, in true Hatter fashion. Eventually, Mr. Clint stood behind me. I released Marley’s hand, though it took a concentrated effort of willpower. I didn’t look back as she patted my shoulder and left, her shoes crunching over the loose rocks.
Soon, there was only the three of us. I trembled in my seat and tried to be strong.
When the rocks crunched beneath footsteps once again, I thought Marley had returned, but when I turned around, I found Zero behind me. She wore a long black dress that swirled around her legs. Her hair was in long braids that tumbled down her back, her gray eyes sharp in the afternoon sunlight. She stared at me without blinking.
“Z,” I whispered. I didn’t know where we stood.
For a long, terrible moment, she didn’t move. She didn’t speak. I thought I’d lost another friend. But then she walked forward. When she reached my chair, she stopped beside me, quietly offering her hand. I took it. She squeezed my fingers.
“Some of us are meant for the shadows,” she murmured to the heavens or to me, I couldn’t tell. I looked up at her. Her beauty stunned me. I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen her in daylight.
She met my eyes.
“And some, like Hatter,” she said with the tiniest smile, “are only ever meant for the light.”
E P I L O G U E
Ollie
“What is this place?”
The Jeep hit a pothole with a crash and a rattle. The steering wheel twisted in Marley’s hands. I bounced nearly three inches off my seat, bit my tongue, and held in a slew of curse words.
“The estate was purchased to turn into a massive luxury ski resort, but the investors went bankrupt halfway through construction. I bought it a few years ago. We’ve been working on finishing it,” Marley said. She maneuvered the vehicle back onto the thin stretch of road. “But it’s just an option. Obviously, it needs a new driveway.”
“No shit,” Luke grumbled.
I elbowed him in the ribs. “Shh,” I hissed. “Pinto will hear you.”
“It has hangars and runways, not to mention access to main roads. Supply shipments would be easier logistically. But most importantly, the mountain range provides us with protection. We would need to build fences—”
“No fences,” I said.
Marley glanced back at me, her gaze questioning.
From the passenger seat beside her, Thad, who had his feet up on the dashboard and aviator sunglasses covering his eyes, said, “Fences are lines between safety and danger. But such a line doesn’t exist in our world. I think what Ollie dearest is saying is that the fence would only be an illusion. In this new place”—he looked up, his gaze searching the narrow road in front of us, the towering pines blocking the sun—“there should be no pretty white lies about danger. Only truth.”
“I hate to agree with Thad,” I said, the words making me even more car sick, “but he’s right. Fences are lies. No more lies.”
A hint of a smile tugged at Marley’s lips. “So, would you even call this new school Fear University? Or would you change the name?”
I shrugged. “It’s not mine to change, as you once reminded me. But in my opinion, the name shouldn’t change. There’s nothing wrong with fear. It’s honest. It’s real. Fear is only a problem when we use it to manipulate and control.” My eyes went to the window, the sun casting my reflection back to me. “That was how Dean ran the school, and it almost ended everything. Things have to change going forward, but not the name. Nothing was ever wrong with the name.”
Marley let out a soft laugh. “Good. I like the name. Well, here we are.”
I turned away from my window and leaned around Marley’s seat. Through the front windshield, the world opened like a watermelon cracked down the center.
We were nestled in a lush valley high in the Rocky Mountains. There was an azure dome above us, the grass rich and green, the pines swaying in a summer breeze. All around us, the Rockies rose high into the sky, their peaks capped with snow. Smack in the center of the sweeping valley was a massive log chalet with four floors, pitched eaves, countless windows, and vaulted rooflines supported by cross-beams made of staggering tree trunks. The front door was two stories tall and surrounded by so many windows I could see an antler chandelier hanging in the entryway.
My mouth fell open.
“Holy shit,” Luke murmured.
“Shh,” I said half-heartedly.
Marley stopped the Jeep near the front steps and turned off the engine. When I opened my door, fresh, crisp air tangled my hair. I sucked in a deep lungful.
Behind us, the other cars rolled to a stop. Mr. Clint, the professors, a few fifth-years, and others climbed out. They all looked up at the house with their eyes shielded against the sun.
“What do you think?” Marley asked. She stood on the bottom step made of half a log, the bark still decorating the curved underside. Up close, the place needed work. It was finished and perfect in every way except it felt hollow. It needed life breathed into it. It needed hordes of kids running down its halls. It needed college kids having loud parties in their dorms. It needed classrooms and professors and exams and fear simulators and a gym where students could tear themselves down and build themselves up again.
It needed us.
In the time since the university had burned down, Milhousse had disappeared. But we weren’t worried about him, not without Dean to be his puppet master. We’d get him one day, I knew. Until then, I was fine with him running loose in the world. We had bigger monsters to worry about.
The students, professors, and families who had supported Dean slowly made their way back to us. I’d taken them back, because we were still at war, and without Dean’s voice in their heads, I believed they could change. Though it meant we needed more room than our small group, and rebuilding on the charred remains of the university had just felt wrong.
Before I could answer Marley, the front door opened and a tall, broad-shouldered man with dark hair and darker eyes walked out. I recognized his chiseled, angular face and pretty mouth right away. It was the man from Marley’s locket.
The one she couldn’t save.
My heart twisted for her, especially as I watched him descend the stairs, take her hand, and plant a light kiss on her cheek without a word. She smiled up at him, her eyes dancing.
“Ollie,” Luke said.
I glanced over at him. He lifted his chin toward the cars. I turned my face away from the sun to see what had caught his attention
.
Not what.
Who.
Sunny stood with her arms crossed, leaning against one of the Jeeps. She wore dark sunglasses, tall boots, and a brown leather jacket, soft as butter. I recognized it as one of Hatter’s, and a piece of my heart splintered. Her hair rustled in the wind, strands slipping across her face. She angled her head out of the sunbeams, looking at me.
It struck me then.
I was the one supposed to be standing back there. I was the one supposed to be looking on as the people I loved smiled and laughed and found a moment of peace to talk about the future. I was the one supposed to be alone with my nightmares and the blood on my hands.
That was supposed to be me back there. But by some twist of fate, it was her. Sunny, my best friend, my sister in every way but blood, was back there. Alone. The fighter with the nightmares and blood on her hands.
I wanted to say I wished I could take her place. I wanted to be that selfless. But I wasn’t.
I just wanted to thank her. Because I was here, with Luke and Pinto, smiling and at peace. By some twist of fate, she’d saved me.
My breath caught in my chest as she continued to stare steadily at me. I wondered which one of us would look away first.
I wondered how we’d gotten here.
I wondered if she would ever forgive me.
If there would ever be a day she didn’t hate me.
I wondered.
She dipped her chin at me. It might have been the sun in my eyes, but I thought she might have smiled slightly, just there at the corner of her mouth. Perhaps it was a sign that there was a way back from here. Perhaps.
She adjusted her sunglasses and turned away. When she walked back to her SUV, she didn’t look back. Not even once. She walked with purpose, with her shoulders set and her chin high, her long hair fluttering against her back.
She was off to embark on another fight. Another battle. Another war.
And I was here. Happy. With my family and friends and in my new home. I’d found my happy ending.
I could only hope she found hers.
