"I'm gonna have to call King Louie, apologize to him for this whole mess." He was saying.
"Shawn - you need to apologize to more than him."
"Who else?"
"I think, you owe Ben an apology."
"For what?!" Shawn turned on the bed, looking at her in the dark.
Sylvia sat staring at her husband; knowing that to see him, many would not believe what a contradiction he was. He was an absolute representation of not judging a book by the cover. From the very first time she saw him, put off by his grin, he'd been this laid back, at ease charmer that was far from what time and living with him was slowly revealing. That being, how dangerous he was and could be. He started out with her, pretty much as Armundo Sr. had, tenaciously coming onto her, insistent with the relationship. Even so, the differences in them were, that one was an abuser of his family, the other was a fierce guardian over them. Thus the complexity of her husband now. Which made him even harder to deal with. With Armundo Sr. everything was pretty much cut and dry as to what he was and how to deal with him. While she would have loved to leave him, and with very good reason, she hadn't been able to. Now, here she was with Shawn. She knew that he was a good, strong, and beautiful person, with a valiant heart. Yet, incredibly scarred. His thinking and triggers, she knew were not always right, not at all. Sylvia took a deep breath and stated, discarding his question in an attempt to get to the heart of the matter, "You are going to have to do something about your temper and your reaction to things - and your solutions to them. Yes, the boys were stupid, especially Mundo, but Ben, did not deserve what you said and did to him, and to attack that man that way."
"He threatened Mundo! I'd given him the money, he should have taken it and left - you think I'm gonna leave it to chance for someone to see him later and do something to him? We get a phone call, or knock on the door about our son? No - way!"
"Shawn I didn't say you were wrong for being upset, but you didn't-..."
"I did what I did, and I don't regret it, that's the end of it!"
Sylvia leaned there glaring at him, "And Ben?"
Shawn huffed and blew, struggling with words.
"Mr. McPherson, I'm telling you now, I'm not gonna have it. Get mad at me, I don't care! I'm telling you right now, I'm not gonna live with it. I love you, and I understand why you are the way you are, but - I cannot deal with that kind of violence, I can't ... and I won't!"
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying - that you are going to have to - tamp down on this - rage, you feel to attack anyone who makes a threat against your family." She started in a heated whisper. "I'm sitting here, looking at you, listening to you - and I can't help but wonder - what kind of father are you going to be to my child."
"Your child? That baby is mine! You understand, mine!"
"I am its mother! I'm carrying it!"
"Him! You're carrying him! My son is not an it!"
"Oh excuse me sir, so sorry - however the point is, with the way you are right now, what does that mean for him?"
Shawn wilted, realizing he was still hyped from earlier and knew he needed to see it from her point of view, "Look, surely you can't believe that I would ever do anything to hurt Jesse James, I can't believe you'd even worry over something like that! I would never hurt my child, this baby, my son. How can you even think it?"
"I tell you how I can think it! You have unresolved issues Shawn that you need to face! I have done quite a bit of thinking today. I have gone through one marriage that I should have left! I didn't leave and because I didn't, my daughter is keeping things from me..." She stopped - determined not to make this about her.
Shawn moved to get closer, to comfort her. Sylvia moved away standing beside the bed, "No! I don't need you to comfort me, to hold me. I need - for once in my life, to come to terms with things happening around me and not think I can't handle it. And I'm telling you now, you - my husband, need to talk to somebody - you - need to get help for what's wrong with you. You're in denial Shawn, just as I've spent perhaps, too many years, in denial! Thinking I protected my children, and to a degree, I did - but it wasn't enough. I have to face that, quit denying it. You have things you need to stop denying as well."
"I've denied nothing! I don't know what you're getting at, there's nothing wrong with me!"
"Yes, there is Shawn, yes there is!" She hissed at him, "And I'm not gonna just stand by, and pretend ... that - everything is okay. That you are just - really protective. You are beyond that Shawn ... you're beyond that. I'm telling you now, this is not a threat, this is my promise to you - I will not - you hear me - I will not subject another child of mine to abuse."
"You saying I abused Mundo? Ben?"
"No! What Mundo did was stupid, irresponsible and immature. He deserved to be told off about it! He could have been killed as well Ben! My problem with it Shawn is that you took the law into your own hands and you attacked that man when you should have phoned the police."
"You know what, we need to pause this discussion, because it's starting to piss me off." He warned.
"Well get ready to get pissed off, because I'm not dropping it!"
"Call the police Sylvia!? What fuckin' dream world do you live in?! Huh? You tell me, what were they going to do? Huh? What?! When will you learn - police don't recognize threats - as a threat!" He hissed back angry. "Especially threats between two black men, you think they give a shit, about Mundo?"
"All police aren't bad Shawn! All police aren't prejudice!"
"Dammit Sylvia! The law does not protect victims, it protects the rights of criminals! I am not about to stand back and do nothing when someone threatens to do him harm! When someone tells me they're going to hurt me or my family, I believe'em! I believe if they have the nerve to say it, they just may have the steam to follow through! I don't know, maybe it has something to do with the rising murder rate and regular drive by's! You'll have to excuse me for not being one of these people who stupidly believe, it could never happen to me, or mine! I cannot afford to take chances like that! I'm telling you, I wouldn't be able to take it, me bringing him here and then something happening to him, it would make me insane! That guy should have taken the money and left - he didn't - I will not apologize for that!" He hissed back at her.
"Shawn - god! I am not backing down on this - not this time! You cannot handle everything with your fist! Look at you, stitched up again! One of these days, you're gonna end up getting yourself killed! When you're dead, what about your family then?"
"This on my hand is nothing, it's from his teeth when I punched him!"
"You're in denial again! So much for you not being one of these people who think, it can't happen to me! Dammit Shawn! Your injury, no matter how you minimize it, is from you fighting! And if that's not enough, you have your son in there whose been wanting to know that you're his father, and the day that he finds that its so, what happens? You curse him out and hold him responsible for Mundo's stupid act!"
"He's the older of the two, twenty-two years old, he should have known better! He had a responsibility to see-..."
"Armundo Edgar Payne Jr. is not - his brother! He is not - his responsibility! You cannot suddenly discover that he is yours, your oldest and the very same day, without ceremony or preparation suddenly thrust upon him everything that your father, wrongly - abusively - put upon you. He is not-..."
"Stop right there! Leave my father out of this - I mean it - he did not abuse me!"
"I will not stop! Bartholomew - Jacob - McPherson - abused you! He took whatever he went through in that war and-..."
Shawn threw the covers off of him and shot up from the bed and charged out of the room, refusing to stay and listen any further. Sylvia wasn't going to let it rest, she followed him right out the door through the hall to the stairs, "Where you going? Huh? You're gonna run from it Shawn? Is that what you're off to do, run from it?!" She hissed, trying to remain quiet, but it was tough with both of them feeling the heat from their argument. "Just as I will neve
r again live with any type of abuse, in my home - neither will I pretend that it didn't exist! I'm going to do my confession here Shawn, accept the fact that my daughter was abused Shawn! More than likely, my son - was abused! And you - Shawn Everett McPherson - also, was abused - by your father!"
He rushed down the stairs, wearing only his house loungers, heading out the front door because Mama JoJo was in the bedroom off of the family room sleeping. Sylvia would not turn back, she followed him down the stairs, and out the front door. "Where you going Shawn?" She asked trying to keep up with him, having to rush to keep him in sight, he went into the gym room, with her on his tail he spun on her, "Know when - you've said - enough!" He growled into her face.
Sylvia straightened her spine, when he was angry, he frightened her a bit, but she had to remind herself, that he wouldn't hit her, physically hurt her. Even so, she did wonder if she could push him too far, and this night, she would find out, resolved, she took a deep breath and went on, "Your father, took a little boy and he - stripped away-...."
"My father, worked hard everyday of his life - he served his country in a war-..."
"...stripped away, every bit of innocence, happiness, wonder and hope - putting upon your shoulders-..."
"... where he saw things that this country is still hiding from - things that helped him to see-..."
"...SHAWN! He came from a war - that he should have left behind, instead he-..."
"... leave it behind how!? He taught me the truth! The facts! The war that he left - he knew - was not over! Just different tactics!"
"...Shawn, he brought it home with him, he brought it home and placed it on your shoulders!!!"
"My father taught me survival! My father raised me to recognize my enemy, to be prepared for whatever - to do whatever-..."
"Shawn - what are you gonna do! Huh? You gonna beat everyone that says the wrong thing to one of us?! You get so you can't fight them anymore, you gonna start shooting them next?! Huh?"
They were standing in the gym room, breathing hard, mere inches from one another, fighting back the need to shout, Sylvia had a hold of him by both arms, trying to get him to look down at her, to get him to hear her. Trying to get his temper under control, Shawn stared off over her head, at the clock on the wall, saying slowly, with emphasis "My father, raised me to recognize my enemy, and just as my enemy will do all in his power to me, to my family, I must - I must be willing to go as far, as he is willing to go to harm us. A man, is not a man who does not preserve those in his own household! My family, is my priority! As the first son, my father dutifully trained me, guided me into realizing that I fall beneath him, my father and all that would lay on his shoulder, lays upon mine! His family, is my family - and no one in his family - will be harmed while I live, no one passes before me. I will be the first to die, before anyone comes close to them! That is why I'm here, that is what I was given by him to do. As I did no less then, I will do no less now, but more!"
He was breathing hard, still refusing to look down at her, his concentration was so intense over her head that Sylvia wondered if he'd just recited something that was drilled into him - he was some place else, certainly not there with her.
"Shawn? Shawn ... look at me." She asked softly.
He continued to look over her head, "Shawn, tell me - why do you say, no one inhis family? You are his family as well, who protected you Shawn? Baby, who protected you?" She saw his jaw clench and tighten, his pulse ticking strong.
"Shawn, I'm talking to you, look at me! You mean to tell me, he expected you to protect them even if it meant that you would die? Did your life not mean anything to him? Think Shawn, you telling me that he was willing for you to die to protect them?"
Shawn looked down at her, clearly angry because she was speaking against his father, "Go back - in the house - and - drop it."
"No, not tonight - I refuse ... you have to see Shawn! Think! Think about what you've just said! Is that something he told you?"
Sylvia squealed in fear as Shawn suddenly swept her up into his arms as if she were a rag doll, startling her; he rushed out the door so far, set her down and rushed back slamming the door to the workout room, locking her out. Sylvia stood there, stunned, her heart pounding in her chest. With little choice she turned, startled again to see Benjamin, Crystal and Mundo standing there, each with a startled look on their faces. They'd been listening, had heard everything.
"You okay mama?" Crystal whispered.
Exhaling, Sylvia nodded.
Mundo stepped up to his mother, looking down at her, "You want me to talk to him mama?" He whispered, a bit disturbed by what he'd heard. He never imagined that Shawn, had possibly been abused by his father, it had never occurred to him. While he had always felt that there was something in him that completely related to him and his sister, that had not been the reason he felt that he did. It had always been the friendship Shawn had with Jesse James that made Mundo feel was the reason behind his empathy and compassion for them. Now, he was seeing that it went deeper than that, Jesse James just enhanced it all that much more.
"Nooo, what are you gonna say baby? As you all heard, he's not happy with me right now." She returned, her voice low, they were, after all, outside the door.
"I still wanna talk to him." Mundo urged softly.
Sylvia put her index finger to her lips, gesturing with her other hand for all of them to get back into the house.
They quietly filed in behind her, Ben the first to speak, still spinning from what he overheard.
"You really do think he was abused don't you?" He asked Sylvia in the dinning room.
"No honey, I know he was."
"My grandfather is not like that!" He rebated passionately.
"Maybe not to you Ben, maybe by the time you came along, things with him changed. I don't have all the answers, I don't know why, but he did treat Shawn differently from the others because he was the oldest. Did you all hear what he said in there?"
Crystal was the first to nod. Ben and Mundo heard, but they were spinning with it still, in such disbelief.
"What man, is willing to sacrifice even one of his children, to save his others? What man would put that on the shoulder of his oldest? I know that its a tradition for the oldest to step in if a parent is not present, but - he said, that before anyone else passed, he would first have to die."
"Maybe that is just the way Shawn felt? That before anyone got to his family, they would have to go through him first. I mean, most men feel that way. If a man has fight left in him, he will use it up to protect his family, that's got to be what he meant." Ben reasoned.
"Maybe ... I don't know, maybe I have it all wrong, but I don't think so. He's told me other things, things that happened when he was younger." Saying that, Sylvia looked at her daughter and then Mundo. "Just as he keeps things to himself, in denial ... I know that you two, keep things to yourself ... trying to protect me. I don't want you to do that anymore. You understand what I'm saying to you?" She asked her children, looking from one to the other.
Crystal was the first to answer, "Yes, we understand."
Mundo gazed into his mother's eyes and simply nodded, but neither were concerned about themselves.
"I'll be right back, let me go check on Mama JoJo." She walked away, leaving the three to stand there as she looked in on the older woman. She was sleeping like a baby, snoring away, obviously sleeping through it all. Satisfied she returned to hear the three in a discussion about Shawn still, Crystal speaking when she re-entered saying, "I can't speak for you two, or tell you how to be when it comes to him. But for me, I can't help but feel, that we're just as responsible for him, as he's made himself responsible for us. Ben, this is all new and strange and different for you, but know this - I will stand by and let no one, hurt my Papah-Shawn, no way - he needs us, just as we need him. Mundo, when you make decisions to do stuff, remember tonight. I'm going to bed." She stated heading out of the kitchen, stopping beside her mother, "Goodnight mama, chill with him for a bit, o
kay? Let's face it, he belongs to us now. Whether he faces stuff in his past or not, don't matter to us, right? He was given to us for a reason, he belongs to us now, so - we just have to, stand by him, come what may."
Sylvia sighed realizing that, to her children, when it came to Shawn, everything was cut and dry. They were on his side, come what may. She wished that she could feel that way, all the way, come what may. But the fact remained, because of Bart - her husband could be dangerous. It was almost as if he were programmed. She wasn't sure what she would do, or how to handle him down the road, but she knew that he needed help, he needed to see that he could not be police, prosecutor, judge, jury and then executioner. He had to understand, he was not a law unto himself, even if, granted, he was protecting his family when that mode or programming engaged. She said goodnight to her daughter and walked back to where Ben and Mundo were sitting, talking low between them.
"You guys should probably head on up to bed."
"I think, I wanna go and talk to him." Ben stated looking at Sylvia.
"Maybe not tonight Ben, tomorrow." Sylvia asked.
"I won't be able to sleep, if I don't talk to him tonight. I'll be fine. Promise, I won't get him riled."
"You sure you don't want me to go with you?" Mundo asked.
"Naw, I want to talk to him alone, please."
"Remember what I've said Ben." Sylvia added.
"I will. Goodnight." He stood and went to her, hugging her, "Thank you, for everything. For making me feel welcome here with you." He held her shoulders, smiling down at her, "I know now, why he loves you so much, why he loves Mundo and Crystal so much." He turned, smiled at Mundo and headed for the back.
BOMAW 10-12 Page 46
