"That's smart mom, coming from you - with your history."
She went to slap him, he caught her hand. She snatched it away, tears filling her own eyes, "I've paid for that foolishness, and then some! Which is the very reason, that I know what I'm talking about! Clean it up, this mess with your brother, while you can Kevin, because once the rift between you widens, it's hell to cross it and make things right again." She turned to leave his room and looking at the wrecked door, ordered him, "You go down to the DIY and buy another door!"
"The hell I will, I didn't wreck it, he did! Make him pay for it and fix it!"
"This is still my home Kevin! I and Quincy call the shots here, so it's either you go buy another door and fix it, or - remove yourself from the premises - this is my home, not yours!"
"Fine! I'll pack my shit and leave then!"
"That's up to you." She returned.
"Yeah, so your precious Ben will come back and visit you again - I'm out'ah here! I'm not kissin' his ass! And I didn't break that door! This is proof right here, he comes here, going off on me, breaks into my room, my personal space, attacks me, and you tell me, I have to buy a new door or get out! Yeah, that's real fair - where am I supposed to go?!" He asked, realizing he had no where to go. Ben was at their other grandparents, and he didn't like his mother's mom, and he wasn't speaking to his father either. His uncle Derrick lived too far from where he worked and his aunt Kathy-Ann was no longer there - his grandma Gert had closed her house - and he knew she wouldn't give him the key to it.
Christine had walked away, ignoring him and then second thought went back saying, "I'll tell you what, you can stay if you start paying rent. No more free rides - from this day forward, you pay board - and out of your rent, I'll replace the door."
"Why do I have to replace the door mom?!"
"Because - you - caused - the problem! Ah - and - that's why you were calling me earlier, wasn't it? You were trying to block me from giving it away that it was you who saw that girl last night! Now it all fits! Yeah, you wanna stay here, pay board, we'll fix the door."
"Forget it, no biggie, I'll buy the door, you happy? Okay?"
"Yes, happy - but you're still paying board here from now on. So you get that door and fix it today, and starting next month, no later than the fifth of the month, rent!"
"What?!"
"You heard me!"
"How much rent?!"
"Let's see, you eat here, you use the water here, the electricity here, the heating here, I do all of your laundry - I come in once a week and clean your room, you wash your car in our yard, that's more water, and for the last three months, for some reason, Quincy has been paying your car insurance - he also paid for the tires on that car - he got your alternator fixed, which you promised to pay him back for, and haven't done so yet. Not to mention barrowing money from me and him a few times for gas. Once I sit down and figure up what all of that comes to, I'll let you know - but the free ride - son - is over! Pissed me off for the last time!"
"Shit!" Kevin spat, kicking the pile of clothes on the floor.
In the yard in Ben's car, Quincy sat next to him rubbing his shoulder, squeezing the back of his neck to calm him down, worried about his back. Ben was leaning forward, forearms around the steering wheel, hands overlapping the other where his head lay, sniffing, fighting still to calm down, but there were tears still slipping out, this time, not from just losing Crystal, but also because his own brother dealt the final blow, the hand that made him lose - sending her rushing back to Victor.
"Ben, lemme lift your shirt son, look at your back?" Quincy asked.
"I'm all right." He mumbled.
"Still - let me look." He asserted, careful to pick up the hem of his shirt pulling it slowly up to see it. He winced at the three fiery red, raised welts - one slightly bloody with a open gash tapering off like a deep scratch, he figured it was the one where the broom stick broke. "Come on Ben, come in the house, let me put something on this."
"No, I'm fine."
"I hate seeing you hurt like this, it's just that you were really gone, she was scared-..."
"It's okay Quincy, I know." He turned with tortured eyes to look at Quincy, "You okay? That's all you needed right? After what you've been through."
"I'm fine Ben, I'm just fine. Don't do this Ben, don't punish me and your mom for something that Kevin has done."
"I'm not punishing you, or mom. I'm just not coming here - this is it. We can get together anywhere, go out to dinner, there's lots of ways for us to get together. But him, I want nothing to do with him - I trusted him - I trusted him! It's driving me insane to know what he said to her - I mean, he could have said anything! Because he knows everything - I wish I'd never confided in him - but - I never thought - he would turn on me like this."
Quincy lowered his shirt back covering his welts. He looked around the car, "Any Kleenex in here? You need some."
"In the glove compartment." Ben answered, sniffing.
A moment later, he was blowing his nose, trying to get himself to calm down. "I love her so much Quincy, and her boys, oh if you could only see'em - I miss them too." Ben chuckled, "It's only been one night, but I thought - they'd be there when I got back. How can just one night, destroy everything?"
"You know what Ben, it seems like the end, that the worst ever, has happened, but the good things about tomorrows are, they bring hope, a new day - and greater possibilities. Trust me Ben, I know exactly what you're going through. You know, the only woman I've ever loved has been your mother - since she was 12 years old. All those years, wanting her, watching her, seeing her with someone else, guys, Shawn - then Jake. I called myself insane a thousand times - but I never got over wanting her. I ah, even hated her a few times in there, she had me so frustrated, ashamed, feeling like a fool because - she never even noticed me."
Ben gazed at him, "How'd you hang in there for so long?"
"Because I loved her Ben, I loved her in a way that consumed me entirely. No matter what she did, who she saw, the things she did, I stood on the sidelines just waiting - waiting for her to notice me. I had to leave, angry, frustrated, calling myself every kind of fool, and then, come back - before she actually saw me. That was the day I walked into the Kmart where she worked, you two sitting there. The moment I saw her, everything I ever felt, came back like the rush of powerful waves - because I could see, that she needed me - and you know what - that day, and in my head, I swore to her, 'I'm gonna marry you one day, and you're gonna love me, the way I've always loved you, that I promise you.' -" Quincy chuckled, "Of course, that was all inside my head, but I meant it, I meant every word."
Ben smiled, "And look at you two now, she does you know, love you like crazy."
Quincy smiled, "Emmm, still not as much as I love her, but - I'm happy. Ben, if you really - really love her, this Crystal, the way you say that you do - and she's worth it - to you - doesn't matter what anyone else says, or feels, or believes - only thing that matters is you! How you see her. Believe me, people said things to me about your mother, there was always talk, bad talk. Didn't matter to me, because what they saw in her, was not what I saw in her. I had no choice, but - to wait it out, and you son, you too will wait it out - if it's real. Love is more powerful than people give it credit for, it's never temporary, or convenient for when the time is right. It's not something you can just walk away from, because the power of it, won't let you; no, it will not, no matter how you may try to. It's not a shiny piece of jewelry, or something pretty or handsome, or silky, or sweet smelling; it's a living, breathing, moving, thriving everlasting spirit, that - when it's real - will never let you down. It is the eternal good. When you have that, the real thing, love, in you - for someone else, it never fades - it grows - and when it's unanswered, the rejection of it stabs you like a thousands knives. I know that sounds contradictory, but - you must hang on - and to do that, you also must love yourself. Love for self, that healthy, balanced, sensible kind will keep you sane, keep you growing, thriving, wh
ile that love for someone else, keeps you moving, working, striving to show that it's so."
"So - you think - I should hang on?"
"You tell me Ben, you tell me - I don't know how much you love her, only you know that. Just - don't confuse love, with possession. When you love, you have to be able to - well - let go sometimes - if you can't let go - that's not really love - that's something else. No matter how bad it hurts, if that person wants you to let go, you will - that's love. I'm gonna tell you something else, about women - Ben - how can I say this? Look, a woman always knows, when a man really loves her - really loves her. And she also knows, when a man doesn't. When it's all said and done, towards the end, she will always long for, and remember the man that really loved her. That's what you have to believe in."
"I see - so I have to make sure - that she knows - that I really really love her - and at the same time, be willing to walk away, be willing to let her go." The thought made his eyes water up again.
"Yeah Ben - in other words, where you may be gambling with your heart, in loving her; by loving yourself too, you keep your soul, your dignity, your self-respect, and yet, you can still - pour into her 100% real love - it's that powerful, you can do it, long as it's real."
Ben wiped his face, sniffed, blew into the Kleenex again, his mind working. "That's what I have to do then, love her, even though I'm not with her. I have to surround her with it."
"You do that, she'll know it Ben, she'll know it. You're a smart, handsome guy, with everything in the world going for you - just never stop loving yourself, and you can survive anything, even - a broken heart. Believe it or not, love for yourself, even helps to repair that."
Ben nodded, glancing from Quincy to out of his windshield, "I love you, Quincy, no one has been, a better father to me, than you - I - I need you to know that."
Quincy reached over and carefully hugged him, "You gonna be okay, you hear? Love Ben, will not - let you down, it can't, that's not the way it was made. It's the most powerful force, on the face of the earth, even over evil, at least that's the way I feel."
* * *
When Shawn pulled up to the curb before the house Crystal had now returned to, Victor was taking groceries from the trunk of the car, carrying the plastic bags, three to four bags per hand into the house. He stopped halfway to the porch to glare at him, asking, "What are you doing here?"
"What do you think, I'm here to see Crystal."
"Well as you can see, we're busy right now."
"I don't give a shit what you're doing, I'm here to see her."
"Well you know what Shawn, fair is fair, you're at my home now, so things are a bit different, you don't get to run over me in my own home."
"My advice to you is, grow into those balls you postering with, otherwise you end up tripping and hurting yourself with them."
Crystal showed up at the door from hearing voices from the kitchen, the moment she set eyes on Shawn, her stomach tied into knots. "Hi." She spoke softly from the door.
"You know why I'm here don't you?"
Crystal wilted. Seeing the look on her face, Victor turned back to Shawn, "Look, she made her decision, it's no business of yours - leave us alone."
Crystal's reaction to that came swiftly, "Don't talk to him that way Victor, not ever."
"Oh, he didn't want me on their property, but I'm supposed to let him just come here on mine, disrespecting me? I know what he's here about, I'm not having it!"
"He's family, and he can come here anytime he wants to-..."
"So what I say means nothing?!"
"You're not staying here anyway, remember? That was the agreement, I could come here, to think, take some time, you would find some place else to stay, remember?"
Victor stood shocked that she was still expecting him to stick to that, in truth, he hadn't really meant it, he'd just said it because he was running out of ideas on how to get her back and away from there. For her to also say it in front of Shawn, pissed him off. He bit his lips together and stormed into the front door carrying the groceries, angry because he was beginning to feel used, taken advantage of. If she thought it was going to be like this again, she had another think coming, he'd be damned if he was going to let her hen-peck him. He let her get away with it before, because it had taken him so by surprise and he'd turned it on her getting his dignity back in other ways. However, he wasn't too sure he was going that route again.
Crystal stepped down the porch heading towards Shawn, her face full of sorrow, hoping he would understand, she joined him at the SUV, first thing he asked her, "Where's the boys?"
"Taking a nap, we just got back from getting groceries." She explained, struggling to maintain eye contact with him.
"What are you doing here?" He asked directly.
Crystal moved backward and falling gently against the vehicle, trying to find the words to explain herself. "I had to come back papah-Shawn, I did some thinking last night-..."
"Crazy thinking, is it that time of the month or something? Your cycle got you so you don't know what you're doing?"
She glanced up at him, "No, it's not that."
Shawn leaned in close to her, "You don't - belong here - this is not - your home. Your home is the place you snuck away from last night - you promised me." He reminded her.
"Papah-Shawn, when I married him, said those vows to him, I promised him - for better or for worse. I promised him first." She defended herself.
"Even up to the part, until death - do us part? You telling me, you honestly think, you can endure this that long?"
Crystal gulped at those words, the permanence of them brought a tightening to her soul, and instantly, Ben popped into her head.
"Well?" Shawn pushed.
"I have to give my marriage a fair chance, I have to be sure, that I've given it every possible chance to make it."
"Ah come on Pum'kin, you don't belong here sweety, you don't - why you puttin' yourself through this? You weren't happy with him before the split up, and you won't be now. And I tell you something else, you don't love him."
"I do!"
"Bullshit! You don't! You're hanging on to some crazy idea that if you don't make this work, it some how reflects badly on you. Sweetheart, I'm here to tell you, that is furthest from the truth. Please, get the boys, so I can take you back home."
"I can't papah-Shawn, I have to stay here, stick it out."
"Why?"
"For the boys, they need to get close to their own father."
"If he really wants to get close to his sons, he can do that by coming and getting them every free moment that he has, I won't stand in his way, I promise."
"It's not fair to put you and mama through this - you all should not have to deal with something that is all, my own doing." She reasoned with him.
"Why last night? Why all of a sudden, out of the blue? You weren't talking like this last week, hell, you weren't talking like this yesterday - in fact, you were adamant about staying home and giving yourself breathing space, what happened last night to make all of that, go out the window?"
"Hey! There's stuff in here that needs to be put in the refrigerator and freezer!?" Victor called from the door.
Shawn looked over at him, and bit his tongue.
"Victor, can't you put the stuff away?"
"No! I have to rush off to find a place to stay tonight, remember? Seeing as how I'm not allowed in my own home!" He went on, stepping down off of the porch, to his car, climbed in, started it up, music blasting, base resounding, he backed out fast, kicking up dust and pealed off, clearly pissed off.
They both watched him go.
Crystal pulled herself away from the Navigator, "I better put this stuff away, you coming in?"
"Come on, I'll help you."
A bit later, with all the groceries put away, Shawn sat with Isaac and Darren on his knee, feeding them the late lunch Crystal provided for them. She sat across from them, hand beneath her chin, her eyes going from the way they were with Shawn, clingy, as if afr
aid he might leave them, to Shawn himself, picking up their discussion, she murmured softly, "Mama won't let me come to get the rest of my things, she said - Angela was really upset."
"In tears, all morning, now depressed about it."
"Ohhh, I wrote her note explaining."
"She doesn't want your notes, she wants you. Same as your mother, same as myself. My daughter, by coming back here, you're taking away from yourself, you're not giving anything to you, or - to the boys for that matter. And that's why, I'm going to ask you, to let me take them back with me."
"Huh?"
"You heard me. If you wanna fix your marriage, I can't stop you from trying, but - these boys, should not have to stand by your and Victor's trial and error attempts. It's not fair to them Crystal - let's face it, he's not really ready to be a father to them yet, no more than he is a good husband to you. So let's give him one thing to work on, at a time. Correcting this marriage with you. If all goes as it should, then add the boys. If he really wishes to bond with them, they'll be there for him, anytime he wishes to see them. Might I suggest you guys pick them up together, and take them on little dates together. He needs to start being creative in what to do with his sons, how to talk to them, I don't know, buy a book for him or something."
"I can't give up my babies."
"Ah ah ah, I'm not asking you to give them up - not at all - but you need this time too. Besides, if we have them, then I know I'll see you everyday, know that you're all right."
"But then, I'll be here by myself."
"You honestly think he's going to find another place? Bullshit! He'll keep coming back with excuses as to why he needs to stay here another night, and then another - frankly speaking, as much as I do not like you coming back to him, if you're gonna do it - do it right. Let him stay so you two can talk. Keep him on the sofa, you in the bedroom. And serious time with a marriage councillor - if he doesn't agree to that, and if he doesn't follow through, you get the hell out of here, understand?"
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