by Susan Crosby
Annie had read once that the sense of being abandoned was one you carried your whole life, that the fear of it never went away. She believed it. Worse, Austin was going to get mired in it, too.
She sat on her front porch after Mitch left, a blanket wrapped around her, with a clear view of the empty shed.
I love you, Annie Barnard. His words haunted her. They’d both made mistakes in this relationship, and maybe she could’ve gotten past his if he’d included marriage in his confession. He hadn’t. Love, but not marriage.
She’d believed she wouldn’t ever want to marry again, but he’d made a liar out of her. She’d fallen in love with him, wanted to marry him, have his children.
But he hadn’t brought it up, and now she had to face Austin in the morning and tell him Mitch was gone.
Annie’s throat closed at the thought. Tears burned her eyes then started to spill. She’d tried so hard to shield her son from pain after being treated so casually by his father, and she felt she’d been mostly successful with that. But Mitch was different. Mitch had paid more attention to him from the beginning, patiently mentoring him, teaching, advising. Caring.
She swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. She didn’t want to cry, didn’t want him to be worth her tears. But the tears came anyway, for a long time and with passion. She banged her fists on the armrests of the rocker, pressed her hands to her eyes to stanch the avalanche of tears that wouldn’t stop and wondered if her life would ever be the same.
She was still in the rocking chair on the porch when Austin came looking for her as the sun rose.
He knelt in front of her. “Where’s Mitch?”
“He’s gone.”
“Gone where?”
“His family needed him. He went to help.” She must look a wreck, as if she’d been crying all night. Austin didn’t call her on it.
“When will he be back?”
“I don’t know, honey. Maybe not ever.”
“Mitch wouldn’t do that,” he said with unconcealed anger. “He wouldn’t go without saying goodbye.”
“He had to leave last night.”
“You made him go, didn’t you?” Austin stood on shaking legs. “You said he couldn’t stay here any more. I hate you.”
He raced into the house. She’d known it wouldn’t be easy. She hadn’t known it would be devastating.
* * *
Things got better day by day. Annie and Austin were used to it being just them, and they slipped back into their old routine, more somber, less cheerful, but coping and recovering.
Then it was the first day of school. At the end of the driveway, Annie waved goodbye to Austin when the bus picked him up, and she was faced with being alone all day, five days a week.
She’d barely reached her yard when a vehicle pulled in. Only one person she knew had a five-window truck, and here he was.
She didn’t know whether to kiss him or punch him out.
Chapter Eighteen
“What now?” Annie asked. “Were you lying in wait? You think I’ll sleep with you because Austin is gone?”
Mitch was so happy to see her he almost couldn’t speak. “That’s not why I’m here. Although I wouldn’t say no if you offered it.”
Indignant, she opened her mouth. He cut her off. “Everything said between us has to be the truth now. I’m only telling you the truth, Annie. I’m here to help you get ready for the food bank event. I’ll till your land and do whatever else you need.”
“Why?”
“Because I owe you. And because I love you.” He saw her react to that, not in disbelief exactly but maybe in shock that he would say it. “Feel free to be honest in return.”
“I honestly don’t need to tell you anything.”
He smiled a little grimly, knowing he deserved whatever punishment she doled out. “I’ve really missed you.” He held up a hand. “I’ll show up every day right after the bus picks up Austin, and I’ll leave before he gets home. He’ll never know.”
She had that look on her face that told him she was torn between sending him hiking or accepting his help.
“How is Austin?” he asked, needing to know where things stood there, too.
“Hurt at the beginning, but then when I told him you were one of the Ryders, it helped start his healing.”
He must’ve winced, because she added, “Honesty, you said.”
“Even if it hurts. What’s happening with the high tunnels? Are you going to have to put up a tent, after all?”
“Brenna’s working on it.” She rubbed her forehead. “I admit I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with what needs to be done. I just don’t want to get close to you again.”
A ray of hope pierced his heart and warmed him. He didn’t care if he started the reconciliation with baby steps, as long as it started. “We don’t have to talk except for you to tell me what needs to be done.”
The sound she made combined laughter and frustration. “Austin’s been learning to till with the tractor. Since I don’t need straight planting lines where I’ll be putting the high tunnels or the tent, I’ve just let him have fun with it. It’s messy.”
“I don’t want to take a job away from him. How would you explain that?”
“Believe me, he’s regretted being taught how to drive. He’s not really ready for that responsibility. I can tell him I got help. That’s all he needs to know. It has to be finished soon so it can sit for a couple of weeks. It needs to settle.”
“Then I’ll get right to it. Is it staked off?”
She nodded.
He started to turn away. She almost touched his arm, but pulled back her hand before she did. “I thought you were going to help your family with the haying.”
“I did that all last week. There’s more, but they can manage without me.”
A vehicle turned into her driveway. Once again Marissa had dropped by without calling first. She poked her head out the window.
“Sorry! I figured you’d be alone, Annie. I thought we could celebrate the first day of school. I brought scones! Should I go?”
“No,” Mitch and Annie said at the same time, but didn’t smile about it.
“I’ll get to work on the field. You enjoy your visit,” Mitch said, sauntering away. “Morning, Marissa.”
“How’re you doing, Mitch?”
“I’ve been better,” he called over his shoulder.
Marissa eyed Annie. “Trouble in paradise?”
“Want some tea?”
“Ah. None of my business. Okay. Sure, tea would be great.”
They went inside. Annie put the kettle on and tracked down some tea bags. Because the field was in sight from the kitchen window, they both gravitated there and watched Mitch work.
“I hope you’re getting more than field work out of him,” Marissa said. “You could use a little unwinding.”
Annie couldn’t help it. She laughed. “That may be true, but that’s not part of his job description.” And she missed it a whole lot.
“You’re single. He’s single. Why not?”
“It’s complicated.”
Marissa laid a hand on her arm. “I don’t know what happened, obviously, but you know, men are just boys sometimes. They say and do stupid things. Then we do stupid things in return. But I can tell you this—he’s a really good guy, Annie.”
Annie said nothing. How could she? She knew more than Marissa did. “Is this weird, us being friends?” Annie asked.
“Probably. Who cares? But as your friend I can say that if I were single and had a sexy man getting all sweaty and manly in my back forty, I’d be all over him.”
After that they talked about everything except Mitch. By the time Mitch took off before Austin’s bus arrived, Annie had been down memory lane in her he
ad several times of their few nights together. He said he would show up every day. Could she survive that? Could she resist him?
She was so afraid she would invite him back into her bed, which would solve nothing.
Well, not nothing.
Over time, Annie learned she was resistant and he was persistent. They established a routine that continued for weeks. At first they barely spoke, but eventually she invited him inside for lunch, where it was hard to avoid conversation.
Mitch was finally free to tell her about his past, the good and the bad, and was glad and relieved to do so. In turn, she doled out personal information in tiny bits that he was able to sew together into a quilt of her life—parents who loved her but were irresponsible, a hunger for friends that was never satisfied because they moved so often, a marriage of two people in need of partners but without the depth of love that sustained the best relationships through the harsh realities of life.
He told her about Marissa’s visit and that they’d forgiven each other, that he’d finally laid his grandfather to rest in every sense of the word. And that he’d forgiven himself for encouraging his grandfather to go through a course of chemo when he hadn’t wanted to. He’d done it for Mitch, but it hadn’t helped, had only stalled the inevitable and added a great deal of pain to his grandfather’s life.
The day he shared that sorrow with her, she hugged him. They were interrupted by a phone call. He never knew what would’ve happened otherwise. At the end of that day, as he did the end of every day, he told her he loved her right before he got into his truck and drove away.
Mitch was stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. He wanted to ask Annie to marry him, but he had to know Austin would be okay with it. If he spoke to Austin first, he could either turn his back on Mitch and destroy his chances to make things permanent or Austin could be excited and anxious, and then be disappointed if Annie said no. Annie would never forgive him for that.
Austin didn’t know his mother and Mitch had been spending hours together, five days a week. Didn’t know Mitch loved her so much he would do anything for her, even climb up on the barn roof. Mitch believed that he’d slowly and steadily removed barriers between them, but Austin was the final one, and it was a big one.
Ten days before the event, Mitch arrived and found Annie sitting on the porch steps, elbows on her thighs, chin in her hands. Bo sat right next to her, nudging her, as if in sympathy.
Mitch joined her on the stairs. “What’s going on?”
“Brenna just called. The agency rejected my grant for the high tunnels. They want to see how I do with this first one. Good thing we’d already reserved a tent. And it’s not even going to cut into the profits, because Marissa and her husband are donating the rental fee.” She sighed. “We would have so much more impact with the high tunnels. Tents don’t suit farms, but I don’t see any other solution.”
“I could buy the greenhouses,” he said.
Annie sat up straight, stunned, then finally found her voice. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to be beholden to you.” Just when she’d finally relaxed around him again, he did this. He knew she wouldn’t accept charity from him. Why had he offered?
“You could pay me back when you can.”
She studied his face. She’d been doing that a lot lately, getting to know him in a way she hadn’t before, up close and personal. He’d opened up, showed her his vulnerabilities. Every day he told her he loved her. Every single day. She’d been waiting for the time when he stopped saying it, for when he got tired of waiting to hear the words back. She couldn’t. Austin—
“Look, Annie,” he said, breaking into her thoughts. “I told you Marissa paid me back. I’ve got enough without it. It would make me happy if you would use it.”
“No. Thank you.” Although it was tempting. “I don’t have a clue when I could pay you back. Once I’ve proven myself, I can reapply and get grants for at least one more high tunnel.”
“You know, I have a lot invested in this place, too. I stood up to my father. More than anything, I want you to succeed. Why are you fighting taking a little help? It makes no business sense. Anyone would tell you that.”
She saw his frustration growing. “I appreciate the offer. I do.”
“But...” he said, providing the answer himself.
She watched him stare into space, then walk over to his truck and climb inside. Panic set in. He’d reached his breaking point. He was going to walk out of her life and not come back. He’d had enough of her resistance. He would give up, find another woman, get married, have babies with her. Grow old together. Bounce grandchildren on his—
No. He couldn’t do that. The mere thought of it felt like a knife in her heart.
Annie had started to stand, to call out to him, when he slammed the door shut and came back, stirring up dust, reminding her of how he’d looked that first day coming up her driveway. In fact, he was wearing the same clothes today, same boots, same belt buckle, even. He’d looked sexy then, and he still did now. But she knew what kind of man he was down deep now, and that made him the sexiest man alive.
“There’s another option,” he said, sitting next to her again, but closer. “I was saving it for a better time, the perfect moment, but sometimes life is too messy for perfection.”
He took her hand, not letting go when she tried to pull back, afraid of what he was about to say.
With his other hand, he flipped open a small, square box, revealing a white gold band with a single round diamond. It was perfect. He understood her. She wouldn’t have wanted lots of glitter or flash.
“I love you with all my heart,” he said, a deep, abiding tenderness in his eyes. “I want to be your partner in everything, this farm, my house, my family’s ranch, parenting. Life. I’m asking you to marry me, Annie Barnard. I want you by my side for the rest of our lives.” He smiled a little. “Your wedding gift will be two high tunnel greenhouses. I’ll bet not many women get offered that.”
She tried to hold back the tears, but they spilled out anyway.
“Is that a yes?”
“I can’t,” she whispered, closing the lid on the beautiful ring and everything it represented.
“Why not?”
“Because Austin’s decided to hate you.”
* * *
The school bus stopped at the end of the driveway. Austin waved then jogged up the road—until he spotted Mitch waiting for him on the porch. Then Austin stopped, ignoring Bo jumping around him.
“Where’s my mom?” he asked.
“Inside. She’s letting me talk to you alone. I’d appreciate a few minutes, Austin.” Mitch had been scared a few times in his life, but it was always for his physical well-being, not anything like this. His entire future rested on his saying the right thing to this boy.
“You left. You never even said goodbye. Why should I talk to you?”
“I’m hoping the fact I love you and I love your mother will be enough for you to listen. Just listen. Or ask questions. Whatever you feel like doing.”
Apparently those words weren’t the right ones, because he looked away. Mitch waited, still scared.
“Okay,” Austin said, sitting on the porch steps, far to one side.
Mitch sat, too, on the opposite side, giving the boy space.
“First,” Mitch said, “I’m sorry I left without telling you goodbye. Things got...difficult between your mom and me, and I had to go. But I came back the first day of school, and I’ve been here while you’ve been in class ever since, trying to make things up to your mom, trying to win her back.”
“Win her back? You mean there was something going on before?”
“Yes. You know I didn’t tell her or you my last name. Here’s why.” Mitch phrased the explanation as simply and succinctly a
s possible. “It was the wrong thing to do. I know that now. Sometimes adults make mistakes, some of ’em bigger than others. This one was major. I’m asking for your forgiveness, Austin. I want to ask your mom to marry me and for us to be a family, but I can’t do it without you forgiving me.”
“What if I don’t?”
“I’m not leaving, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ll be here every day, loving you both every day.”
“Even if I keep saying no, that you can’t marry my mom?”
“I’ll still be here. But see, the thing is, I’d like to have some kids with your mom, give you brothers and sisters, like I have. I can’t wait twenty years to do that.”
“You’d come every day for twenty years just to prove you’d stay?”
“A hundred years.”
Austin looked away. “You’re the one who’s been tilling the land, getting it ready.”
“Yes.”
He gave Mitch a look. “Thanks.”
Mitch laughed.
“If I say yes, you can marry us, where would we live?”
“We’d have to work that out. I’ve got a house on the ranch, so that’s a possibility. Staying on here’s a possibility. There’s only twenty miles separating the two places. We could modernize this one some. Make it easier on your mom with some new appliances and stuff. I promise you’ll be part of the decision.” Mitch eased a hand onto Austin’s shoulder. “I’ve come to love you as if you were my blood. You’ll always have your dad, and I know he loves you and will always be your dad. But I’d be here every day for you. You can count on me. I’ll protect you with everything I have.”
Austin swallowed hard. “My mom’s been pretty sad since you left.”
“Me, too. And I missed you a whole lot. I love you, bud.”
“I love you, too.” Austin threw himself at Mitch, his body shaking, a few sobs escaping. “I thought I’d never see you again.”
“I’ll be here until the day I die, loving you, loving your mom.”
“Mom!” Austin hollered toward the house. “I know you’re listening. Get out here.”
Annie stepped onto the porch, wiping away tears. Mitch and Austin met her for a group hug. Over Austin’s head, Mitch kissed her. He’d waited so long to do that.
