by Gayle Buck
“What—what do you mean?” Sarah faltered. She was almost frightened by the intense passion in his voice. She was torn by pity and appallment. His confessions were almost beyond her comprehension. The young woman had certainly been a monster of cruelty. But the look in his lordship’s eyes promised further revelations and she did not know that she wished to hear more.
Lord Eustace ran his fingers through his hair again. He sighed. Dropping his hand to the back of the chair, he grasped it tightly. “Sarah, when Vivian Leander was killed, I was at once freed from what had become an intolerable situation. But the shackles that I have worn since then have been almost as heavy. All of society assumed that I must be enduring a passion of grief. There were pitying glances and stilted condolences and wordless thumps on the shoulder. I was told how stoic I was, how strong, even heroic! I became an object of pity and compassion. No one mentioned Vivian’s name to me. No one asked my thoughts. It occurred to no one to wonder what I wanted to do with my life, now that it had been given back to me. I became burdened by guilt and shame. Sarah, I came to hate myself. What kind of monster was I that I had rejoiced in that young woman’s death? The woman that I—I had chosen to share my life with. It was unpardonable! It was depraved.”
“Oh, no, no!” exclaimed Sarah, distressed for him.
Lord Eustace gave a short bark of laughter. “Oh, yes, my dear Sarah. Those were the reflections that haunted me. I thought that if I had managed things differently—if I had insisted upon a conventional marriage—” He broke off, shrugging. “If I had simply used an iron fist with her, she might be alive today.”
“But that is not the kind of relationship that you wanted,” said Sarah gently.
“No, I did not. I did not want a marriage where I would be forced to browbeat my wife into submission,” said Lord Eustace. “With Vivian, it would have been a constant battle of wills. And yet, I wished that I had had the opportunity to do things differently.”
“And when you met Margaret?” said Sarah.
Lord Eustace smiled painfully. “When I saw Margaret, I saw fleeting shadows of Vivian Leander. Margaret’s vivaciousness, her charm, a certain turn of phrase—all were poignant reminders.”
“But Margaret is nothing like Vivian Leander in character. She is sweet and kind and compassionate,” said Sarah, confused.
“That is the crux of this madness, Sarah. Your sister bears no resemblance to Vivian at all. But she is the picture of what I had desperately wanted Vivian to be. Can you understand that?” said Lord Eustace.
“Yes, I think that I can,” said Sarah slowly. “And so you found yourself drawn to Margaret. It was as though you had been granted a second chance with Vivian Leander.”
“All an incredible fantasy! The strangest part was that I knew that it was unreal, but it didn’t seem to matter,” said Lord Eustace. “It was as though I was standing outside myself, observing my actions, listening to my words. I was literally acting out a courtship which had never occurred. I was unraveling some of the deepest longings of my imagination. My blighted hopes—the guilt and self-hatred that I had endured— all were being purged through my relationship with Margaret. In short, Sarah, I used your sister in an infamous manner. More than once I tried to draw back, for even in the midst of it I knew that what I was doing was completely unethical. I struggled to maintain some sense of balance. I made an effort not to make Margaret the sole object of my attentions. It would have been disastrous if I had excited expectations that I actually had no intention of fulfilling. But more than that, I could have wounded Margaret immeasurably. Dear God! If she had fallen in love with me—!”
“But she did not.” Sarah pointed out the irrefutable fact. She looked up at him with just a touch of a smile on her face.
For the first time in several minutes, Lord Eustace’s expression lightened and he laughed. “No, she did not, thank God! Once I had gotten over my initial outrage that she had preferred young Jeffries to me, I realized how fortunately things had turned out. But then I had a new problem. I had offered for you in the confusion that was left in the wake of my coming out of my fantasy. And I thought that I had made another mistake.”
“Yes, I realized at once that you were already regretting your impulsive offer,” agreed Sarah. “That is one reason why I did not accept you that day.”
“Was there another reason?” asked Lord Eustace with a penetrating glance.
Sarah’s color rose. She gave a small nod. “I did not want a marriage of convenience, you see. I thought that you were still halfway in love with my sister, or thought that you felt you were. At the very least, I supposed that you were still entangled by memories of Vivian Leander. I didn’t want to wed a gentleman whose heart had already been claimed. And so I turned you down.”
“How very close you were to the truth, dear Sarah,” he said, going over to her again. He took her hands and held them, compelling her by his very proximity to look up into his face. “I was in a state of confusion. My emotions were in chaos. I did not know then what I wanted. Or who I wanted! But that is all changed.”
“Is it?” asked Sarah quietly. Her heart bumped in her breast. There was a smiling, tender expression in his eyes and his mouth was curled in an attractive grin.
“Yes, it is. I have finally exorcised the demons that have beset me for these last two years. My painful memories of Vivian Leander have been laid permanently to rest. Your sister, though I hold her in great affection, has no power over my heart.” Lord Eustace raised her hands and placed them firmly against his chest. Very quietly, he said, “You are the one who has that power, Sarah.”
High color flamed in her face. She could feel the strong beat of his heart under her fingers and her hands trembled in his clasp. Tears stung her eyes, half blinding her. “Oh, Gilbert. How I have longed to hear you say just those words. Or something to that effect, in any event!”
Lord Eustace laughed. “My darling, are you still so willing to settle for half a loaf? I will not hear of it. Listen to me. Sarah, I love you. I love only you and only you forever. There is no one else whom I could possibly desire more to make my wife. Will you marry me?”
For answer, Sarah gave a happy gurgle of laughter and threw herself into his arms. “Oh, yes! Yes, I will, Gilbert! With my whole heart and being, I will wed you.”
Lord Eustace caught her close and kissed her. At last, they were both where they had wanted to be all along.
About the Author
Gayle Buck doesn't ever want to stop writing. "I decided when I was in the fifth grade that I wanted to write stories that would make people laugh and cry. I haven't even scratched the surface yet," she admits with a grin.
A Kansas-bred Texan (and proud of it), Gayle says, "Let's just say that I like independence and survival in my characters and in my life." She has two sons that she is enormously proud of. They are both native-born Texans. "But I'm sure they have a few of those prairie pioneer genes, too."
Gayle has published 26 Regencies, an inspirational and a how-to book. She has some new book ideas; right now, she's not saying much about them. "But I'm going to have a whole lot of fun for the foreseeable future."
Gayle Buck has a degree in journalism and has written for every media known except film. She thinks about it for a minute. "Oh, yeah. That's goin' to change."
Publishing Information
Copyright © 1998 by Gayle Buck
Originally published by Signet (ISBN 0451194667)
Electronically published in 2010 by Belgrave House/Regency Reads
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
No portion of this book may be reprinted in whole or in part, by printing, faxing, E-mail, copying electronically or by any other means without permission of the publisher. For more information, contact Belgrave House, 190 Belgrave Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94117-4228
http://www.RegencyReads.com
Electronic sales: [email protected]
This is a work of fiction. All names in this publication are fictitious and any
resemblance to any person living or dead is coincidental.
