by K. Lyn
“You can feel it, too, Camden, as if there had been a ball in here last night.”
“Let me show you the grounds, Leah,” Camden said as he closed the door to the ballroom. There was a hint of sorrow in his voice which didn’t go unnoticed by the perceptive Leah.
They made their way all the way back down to the first floor where the family room opened onto a deck which was as expansive as the rest of the home. The scenery was beautiful, with a green lawn impeccably manicured as far as the eye could see.
“Is this all yours, Camden?” Leah asked.
“Every nook and cranny of it,” he answered proudly. “I can’t take credit for its beauty, as much as I would like to,” he was quick to answer. “I have a terrific staff that takes excellent care of the place.”
He led Leah to the far end of the deck and onto the lawn. They walked to the tennis court which wasn’t used much, at least not by Camden. He explained that he wasn’t much for sports, but he did enjoy the pool. The water in the cement pond was crystal clear blue and looked very inviting to Leah, as it was a very warm day.
“I’m not much of a swimmer, but I love to come out here and read while reclining in a floating chair,” Camden explained.
“It sounds like that would be very relaxing after teaching all day,” Leah answered. She, too, was not much of a swimmer, though she enjoyed the feeling of the water swirling around her.
“Do you swim, Leah?”
“I’m more of a glider than a swimmer.”
“We can come out here anytime you like. It’s rarely too cold to swim in Houston.”
Leah simply smiled. “I can’t believe this is all yours, Camden. I’ve never known anyone who owned anything like this.”
Camden smiled, but he was quick to respond, “It was given to me, Leah. I didn’t pay for any of it, except for a bit of remodeling. There is no way that I could afford this much land or this kind of house on a professor’s salary.” He wasn’t apologizing for his inheritance, but he didn’t want Leah to think that he was arrogant.
“Do you ever get lonely out here all alone, Camden?” As soon as Leah asked the question she wished she could have taken it back. It was too personal.
“Sometimes I do. I don’t spend much time here, though, with teaching and all the things that go along with it. When I am here I’m usually in the pool reading a good book, or sleeping.”
Leah brought only a backpack with a couple of changes of clothes for the weekend, so Camden took her backpack and put it in the bedroom. Leah followed him, still in awe of her surroundings. It was evening now and neither of them had eaten.
“Why don’t we order a pizza and watch an old classic on the big screen while we eat?” Camden half asked and half stated.
“That sounds great,” said Leah. She was excited to see Camden’s collection of films.
Camden led her to the family room so that she could choose the film she wanted to see.
“I’ll call for pizza while you choose a movie, okay?”
“Sure, Camden, I’ll try to pick a good one.”
“Whatever you like is fine with me.”
Leah was more than impressed with Camden’s collection of films. There was such order to them, alphabetized for easy viewing. When Camden returned to the room, Leah was still trying to choose a movie.
“The pizza should be here in about twenty minutes. Any luck with the movie?”
Leah hadn’t seen many movies, so she was overwhelmed by the selection. “Do you have any favorites, Camden? I haven’t seen many movies.”
Leah’s honesty was both refreshing and confusing. She never pretended to be anything that she was not.
“It’s not a classic, but I absolutely love Walk the Line. Have you heard of it, Leah?”
Leah shook her head no, so Camden explained to her that the film depicted the life of Johnny Cash and the many personal obstacles he had overcome with the help and love of June Carter. What he didn’t confess to Leah was that the film spoke to him on a personal level. He had overcome the loss of his parents as well as the loss a former lover who he had loved very much.
“Sounds good,” said Leah.
“Make yourself comfortable and I’ll get it started.”
They had just started the movie when the doorbell rang.
“Keep watching, Leah. I’ll get the door. I’m sure it’s the pizza.”
When Camden returned, he carried a bottle of wine along with the pizza. “It’s great with pizza.”
Leah wasn’t accustomed to drinking, so she took it slow and easy. She felt relaxed very quickly, but Camden seemed to drink quite a lot without feeling much effect. He placed the empty pizza box on the floor and sat down next to Leah. She was fighting sleep, but Camden seemed wide awake. He poured another glass of wine, and Leah leaned against him and closed her eyes. Camden interpreted it as a sign that the young woman wanted him tonight, but Leah really just wanted to take a nap. The sound of Camden’s voice was the next thing that she heard. The movie was rolling the credits, and Leah realized that she had slept through most of film. She looked up at Camden whose eyes were a little misty.
“What did you think?”
Leah didn’t want to hurt his feelings by admitting that she had fallen asleep, so she answered enthusiastically, “I loved it.”
Camden leaned over and kissed her on the lips. She was still dazed from the combination of sleep and wine, but the kiss seemed to arouse her to a more awake state.
“I love you, Leah,” Camden said, coming down from the effects of the alcohol, a lone tear making its way down his cheek.
“I know you do, Camden.”
Camden wanted Leah to say that she loved him, too, like she had before. He was happy when he was with her, but what would happen once she was gone?
Leah was very tired after the long day, and Camden led her to his bedroom and pulled back the covers of his massive bed. “I assumed we would be sharing my bed,” he said, which sounded more like a question. Climbing into bed naked, Camden quickly stripped the clothes from Leah’s beautiful body and pulled her into bed with him. For some reason Leah thought that Camden was lonely and that he felt as if he were all alone in the world. She wondered about his past relationships and especially about the person who had given him this beautiful home. Had the woman died? She didn’t want to open old wounds, but she felt fairly certain that Camden had been hurt, and hurt badly, in the past.
The alarm sounded at 7:00 a.m., just four hours after they had gotten into bed.
“Oh, man,” Camden yawned as he stopped the buzzing noise. “I forgot I had left the alarm set for Monday’s meeting at the university.”
Leah stirred, but she was clearly still asleep. They both continued to hold each other as they drifted back to sleep.
It was noon before they woke up again. Camden gently kissed Leah on the lips and asked her what she would like to do with the remainder of the day. It was Saturday and Camden knew that his time alone with Leah was slipping away. Soon it would be Monday and she would be in the dorm, and he would be alone.
Leah replied, “I’m easy to please, but I would like to see Houston. I’m not really up to museums or anything academic just yet. I’ll get plenty of that soon.”
Camden grew quiet when Leah spoke the words. It reinforced his fears about her starting college and possibly forgetting about him altogether.
“Is that okay?” she asked.
“Oh, yeah, sure. Let me take a quick shower and I’ll be ready to go.”
“Mind if I make some coffee?” Leah asked.
“Be my guest. That sounds good to me.”
Camden waited until Leah was well on her way to the kitchen before beginning his shower. While Leah started the coffee, he entered the shower and closed the door behind him. He turned the water to hot, rested his hands against the wall and wept as the warm water made its way down along his tired body.
Leah sat down at the kitchen table enjoying the freshly brewed coffee as she waited for Camde
n. Nearly an hour had gone by and she still had not seen him. She couldn’t imagine that he would still be in the shower, so she slowly made her way to the bedroom where she could hear the shower water running full blast with the door of the shower wide open. She was confused. She reached in and turned the water off. Camden was not in the shower, and Leah didn’t know where he was.
“Camden?” she asked timidly. There was no answer.
“Camden!” she said emphatically, but still no answer came. She looked around the bedroom. Where could he have gone? Slowly, she walked around to Camden’s side of the bed and entered the bathroom on that side of the room. The shower was going full blast in that bathroom as well, but the door to the shower was closed. None of this made any sense to her. The door had steamed up. She thought that maybe Camden had started the shower for her, but that still didn’t explain his disappearance. She opened the door to the shower and was shocked at what she witnessed. Camden was curled into the fetal position on the tile floor. Leah quickly turned off the water and bent down to where he lay.
“Camden?” she asked quietly. Camden was shaking as if he were very cold, despite the hot water that had been beating down upon him. “Camden, are you okay?”
Leah knew that the man was not okay. What was wrong with him? His eyes were closed, but tears were slowly seeping out from beneath the lids. Leah knew he needed help. “Let me help you to the bed, okay?”
Camden said nothing. He didn’t move.
“Come on, Camden, let me help you.”
Camden went limp, as if all energy had escaped from his being. Leah was worried. She didn’t want to leave him for a second, but she knew she had to call someone. Camden needed help, and Leah didn’t know how to give it. She walked out of the room only for a minute and called her mother from the hall phone. She explained what had happened to her friend and that he needed help in the worst way.
“Would it help if I drove up there? I was going to be coming to see you Monday or Tuesday anyway to see if you had everything you needed for school. I’ll just come a day early, honey.”
Leah gave the address to her mother and then hurried back to Camden. She was barely able to lift him enough so that his upper body could lean against her. She placed her arms around him, resting them on his chest. She kissed the top of his head and began talking to him very calmly. “Camden, I care about you a lot, you know. I wish I could take all your pain away. Do you know that I would do anything for you?” She massaged his chest, occasionally kissing the top of his head.
Camden’s arms lay limp on the shower floor and his eyes were closed. Leah could feel his heart beating steadily underneath her so she at least knew that he was still alive. His breathing was rather shallow, though, or so she thought. Camden’s body remained limp, his arms and legs not moving.
“If you want to talk to me, Camden, you can. Anything you say will not be shared with a single soul. I promise.”
Camden raised his limp arms and rested them on Leah’s slender arms. He was still wet from the shower, so Leah did not know that some of the wetness was from his tears. He took a deep breath, which Leah thought was a good sign. Poor Camden, she thought. She leaned down and kissed him on the top of the head again. His body felt as if all energy had slipped away. He was limp as he leaned against her.
“It’s too late for me, Leah,” Camden said suddenly, as a continuous stream of tears ran down his face and onto his chest.
As Leah turned her head so that she could partially see Camden’s face, she noticed the steady stream of tears rushing from his eyes. “Oh, Camden,” she said, as she placed her right hand on his face, trying to wipe away the tears and the hurt, but the tears were coming too fast for her to keep up with them. Maybe this was what he needed. Leah wrapped her arms around his upper body and held him as tightly as she possibly could. Leah’s sweet hands on his chest made him cry harder, and his body began to shake.
“Camden, it’s not too late,” Leah assured him, although she wasn’t quite certain what he had meant by this. He was sobbing openly and trying to slump down further onto the shower floor, but she wouldn’t let him.
“Camden, please let me help you to the bed. You feel very cold.”
Leah allowed Camden all the time he needed, but she kept her arms tightly around his body. After what seemed like an hour, through his sobs Leah heard him say very quietly and almost shyly, “Will you still be here if we move to the bed?”
“Yes, Camden. I will be here.”
“Okay,” said Camden.
Camden was much larger and heavier than Leah and she had trouble helping him up. He tried to raise himself up, but he was clearly physically weak from what Leah now believed to be severe depression. When he finally made it to the bed, Leah pulled the covers over him and added a few more blankets to help him stop shaking. She lay naked with him in the bed to give him as much body heat as she could.
As Leah climbed into the bed and beneath the heavy blankets, Camden began to fold himself into a fetal position. To stop him she lay on top of him, placing her arms firmly underneath his back. Camden’s sobbing had ceased, though the tears continued to stream rapidly from his eyes. Leah rested her head on Camden’s chest and caressed his face and chest.
“It’s okay, Camden. We’re going to make everything all right,” she said, trying her best to sound reassuring.
Camden was silent. Leah kept the blankets pulled tightly over them, even though she was beginning to sweat. She leaned up on her arms and looked at him. His eyes were open and he was staring straight ahead.
“Camden, how are you?”
Camden offered no response.
“I’m going to do whatever it takes to make you whole again, Camden. I may be young, but I have seen a lot of pain in my life. I was young when we lived in Israel, but I remember the attacks and the looks of despair and terror on the faces of my friends and their families. I was quite young when my father was killed, but I remember the look of defeat in my mother’s eyes even though she tried to hide it from me.”
Camden looked at her. “I no longer have the strength, Leah. I can’t deal with it anymore.”
“You’re not alone, Camden. I can find help for you. My mother knows a lot of people who are very good at these kinds of matters.”
“You don’t understand, Leah. Nobody really wants to ‘help’ me. I’ve been through therapy. I don’t get help, Leah. All I get is shame. I am a man, Leah, and men are not allowed to feel this kind of pain. The so called professionals use a lot of fancy words, but what it comes down to is ‘buck up’ and ‘act like a man’.”
Leah was shocked. She had no idea that it was like that, especially among those who considered themselves medical professionals.
“I felt more ashamed of myself after each session and after awhile I stopped going. But I did give it a chance.”
Leah believed him, but she also believed that there was help out there somewhere for him. “Camden, did you receive therapy here in Texas?” She barely heard the whispered, “yes”, but she did hear it. “Is that why you hide yourself away in this huge mansion far removed from others?”
“I’m not hiding, Leah. This is my home.”
“You must feel very lonely.”
Leah knew she had hit a nerve because Camden became defensive and tried to turn his back to her. With Leah lying on top of him, however, he wasn’t going to get very far. All that he could do was turn his head to avert her eyes that were focused upon his.
“Leah, I’ve said too much. Maybe I should take you back to the dorm.”
“Is that what you want, Camden, to be here alone?” she asked.
After another long silence, Camden reluctantly responded. “No, I don’t. But I can’t ask you to stay with me. I’m not worth the trouble.”
Leah realized that Camden was not saying these things because he felt sorry for himself. He really thought himself unworthy. “Camden, I’m here because I want to be. I care about you.” Leah knew that Camden was in bad shape, and she
also knew that she should tell him that her mother was on her way, but she was afraid of what his reaction might be.
“Camden, would you feel comfortable talking to me about what brought you to this point?”
“I’m sorry, Leah. I just can’t. Half of it I’ve blocked out and the other half is so horrible that I wish I could block it out, but the flashbacks keep coming.”
“Camden, when I realized what kind of shape you were in I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to call an ambulance because…”
At that point Camden somehow gathered the strength to sit up. He struggled to get Leah off of him, and though she tried to leverage herself against the bed, he shoved her off. “Leah, what have you done?!” he demanded. “I told you what would happen to me if I tried to get help here. You didn’t call an ambulance, did you?”
“No, Camden. I didn’t. Please stay calm.” Leah pleaded with him.
“Not until you tell me what you have done. Did you tell anyone?”
“I called my mother who will be here soon. But that’s all. She won’t tell anyone, I promise.”
“Leah, you fool. People always say they understand and they promise they will help, but then they turn on you when they decide you are weak. You don’t understand what has happened to me.”
“Tell me what happened to you, Camden.”
“You may have ruined me, Leah.”
Leah let it go. She knew that Camden was speaking out of sadness. At that moment the doorbell rang and Leah knew it was her mother. “Camden, please let her help us.”
The word “us” intrigued Camden. Maybe Leah was sincere.
“I have to let her in now, Camden.”
Leah hurried to the door and hugged her mother for a long time.
“Honey, I’m so glad you called me. I’ll do what I can to help you and your friend. You know that, don’t you, sweetheart?”
Leah had witnessed her mother nearly perform miracles as she tried to protect her from harm in Israel and she knew she could help Camden.
“Does Camden know I’m here?”
