Then it clicked. He was living with Leo. Motherfucker.
At the same time I thought it, Zack said it out loud. Leo hadn’t bothered to offer up that little bit of information the other night, and I really wished he would have. It would have been nice to know my chances of running into Zack had multiplied exponentially, so I could prepare myself.
Zack said they were living in a townhouse about ten minutes away, and I realized we were neighbors of a sort. Awesome.
“Yeah, I ran into Leo the other night,” I said, for lack of anything better. Zack should have been glad I’d held back from adding a choice expletive to the end of my sentence because I sure was tempted.
“Yeah, I know. He told me.”
Knife to the gut. Zack knew I lived in Chapel Hill, and he was now living there too, and he hadn’t called me. But of course he hadn’t called. He’d broken up with me, dumped me, kicked me to the curb, pushed me aside without another thought. Why would he call me? Why did I keep deluding myself? It was pathetic.
I wanted to vomit. I don’t think I could have felt worse in that moment. I was such an idiot.
“Did he tell you I said ‘hi’?” I asked, testing my theory.
“He said you didn’t want him to tell me ‘hi’,” he said flatly, with no emotion whatsoever, like it really didn’t faze him at all that I’d essentially blown him off.
I nodded. “Yeah, I said that. Sorry, I guess.”
Was I sorry? Why was I apologizing?
“It’s okay. He said you were with a blond guy,” Zack said, cutting right to the chase, and completely throwing me for a loop. Was Zack concerned about who I was with, that I’d been with another guy?
“My boyfriend,” I said, outright lying as I took a sip of my drink. I had to act cool, make him think I’d moved on.
“Yeah, I figured.”
“Yeah.”
Oh God, this was seriously the most awkward conversation in the history of conversations. I didn’t think it could get any worse, but then it did – when a tall, perky blond with big boobs bounced up to Zack, holding an ice cream cone.
“I don’t know how you can eat ice cream in this weather, but here you go,” she said, thrusting the cone into his hand before threading her arm through his and snuggling close to him. “It’s freezing out here.” She was clutching a hot chocolate in her other hand.
Zack looked at me, and then at the girl, who was blissfully unaware of what was going on in front of her. When she looked at Zack’s face, then at me, then back at Zack, she figured something was up.
“He loves ice cream,” I said robotically, playing along even though I was in danger of regurgitating the few sips of latte I’d had so far.
“Yeah, I know he does,” she said, smiling at me.
I know he does, I thought mockingly and had the sudden urge to stick my tongue out at Perky Hot Chocolate Girl with her hot pink hat and gloves. I didn’t know if I felt worse that she knew about Zack’s fondness for ice cream or that she was still hugging him or that she looked exactly like Snowboarding Barbie. It was bad enough that I’d just learned that Jen, who was a gorgeous, tall blond, was his ex, but this girl put even her to shame. She looked like a model. It seemed Zack had a type, and I wasn’t it. I had to fight to keep my cool and not throw my latte all over her white puffy coat.
“Hi, I’m Kristin.” She extended her hand to me in a friendly gesture, and I stared at it for few seconds, not wanting to touch it.
I finally shook it out of politeness but inwardly cringed as I did. “I’m Emily,” I said stiffly.
“Oh,” she said, taking step back. “Of course you are.”
She knew who I was? How did this girl, who was obviously with Zack, know about me? I suddenly felt more betrayed than I had before. Had he actually talked about me to his new girlfriend? Had he told her about how I’d fallen for him over the summer when he’d just wanted something fun and casual? Had he let her know about the day he’d told me goodbye and how I’d cried and how pathetic I was for getting attached to him after just a few weeks?
Had he told her about Lily? Was she important enough to him to know that he had a daughter!
God, I was angry.
I felt the tears starting to prick the backs of my eyes, and I knew I needed to get out of there quick. Zack and his new girlfriend would not see me cry.
“Okay, yeah, so great to see you Zack. Kristin, it’s so nice to meet you,” I said, the sarcasm dripping from my tone as I made a beeline toward Bailey, brushing by Zack in the process, thankful for the layers we were both wearing, so I didn’t actually have to touch him. As quick as I could, I untied Bailey’s leash and started walking away from them, the tears stinging my eyes as they met the cold night air.
“Emily, wait,” Zack called after me, but I just kept walking. The tears had already filled my eyes and were threatening to spill over. I wasn’t about to let him see me cry. I walked as quickly as I could, knowing that Zack and his new girlfriend were watching me the whole time.
For the first time in months, I cried myself to sleep, wishing I could take back the memory of seeing such a pretty girl, holding onto Zack like that, but the image wouldn’t go away. To make matters worse, I knew I would see him again and again. If he lived in my freaking town, we’d run into each other. This fucking sucked. I was literally in hell.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Zack
“Shit,” I said for probably the fifteenth time as I ran my hands through my hair and banged the steering wheel. “Fuck!”
Forgetting I’d quit smoking, I grabbed the cigarette I’d stashed behind my ear out of habit and jammed it in my mouth, reaching over to search for a lighter I knew was somewhere in my glove box. When my hand closed around it, I gratefully brought it to my lips and inhaled the taste of the addiction I’d worked so hard to kick just weeks earlier. I knew tomorrow I’d be back to step one of those stupid patches, but I didn’t care. It was worth it to gain the calming effects of the nicotine.
Kristin eyed me warily from the passenger seat of my truck as we drove back to Jen’s apartment, and I inhaled furiously on my cigarette. I knew she was dying to say something, but she wasn’t going to. Kristin knew all about Emily, and for that reason, she remained silent.
I jammed the gear shift in park, tossed my cigarette butt to the ground and slammed the door behind me, willing myself to calm down before heading inside. Lily was up, and I didn’t want to freak her out. I stood outside the door to Jen’s apartment, taking deep breaths while Kristin appraised me.
“She thought we were together,” she finally said.
I looked at her in confusion. “What?”
“Emily thought I was your girlfriend.”
“No she didn’t,” I said, shaking my head.
Kristin gave me the look she usually reserved for Leo. It was a look that said ‘I’m right, and you need to believe me, so stop arguing, because it’s not going to get you anywhere’.
“Shit,” I hissed. Things were so much worse than I’d thought.
Emily had visibly reacted to seeing me and not in the way that I’d hoped. She was angry, and I knew the last place she’d wanted to be was standing outside that Starbucks talking to me. She’d bolted the first chance she’d got.
“Okay, calm down,” Kristin said, putting her hand on my shoulder. “Where’s your head at?”
I look away. “I don’t know. I didn’t expect to see her tonight, and I definitely didn’t expect her to be so – I don’t know – revolted by me.”
“She wasn’t revolted, Zack,” Kristin said. “She was hurt.”
The door to the apartment suddenly opened to reveal Jen standing there, looking back and forth between the two of us. “Why are you guys standing outside? It’s freezing out here.” She stepped back to let us enter the apartment.
“Daddy!” Lily called as soon as she saw me. She scrambled off Andrew’s lap and ran over to me.
“Hi baby,” I said, picking her up. I held her close to me, f
eeling calmer as I inhaled her sweet scent.
“Daddy cold,” she said, touching my cheek.
I laughed, but it came out strained. “Yeah, it’s cold outside.”
Jen shut the front door and gestured for us to sit down. I sat in the rocking chair and held Lily in my lap. She looked up at me. “Daddy pay?”
I shook my head. “Not right now, baby. Later, okay?”
My head wasn’t clear enough to play my guitar, which was a rare occurrence for me.
“Okay,” she said cheerfully, giggling as Leo made faces at her from the couch.
Kristin had tucked in next to him, and I saw her whisper something to him that made him raise his eyebrows at me.
“Okay, what is going on?!” Jen asked, throwing her hands up in the air.
We were supposed to be having a band meeting, but Derrick and Andrew had been late, and Kristin had wanted a hot chocolate, so I told her I’d go with her since Jen had been talking to Leo about the books for his bar and some accounting discrepancy that had come up when she’d been doing their quarterly audit earlier in the week. Now that we were all in the same room, we needed to get started, but it seemed that wasn’t going to happen.
I’d finally agreed to get the band back together after I spent a good fifteen minutes arguing with Leo about it in his office at Devil’s Hangout. At the end of it, I knew I couldn’t say no, and he was counting on the same thing. We both knew how much I loved music, and when presented with the opportunity to chase my dream again, after once dismissing it, well, I couldn’t pass that up.
Besides I’d made a promise to my mother. Before she died she sat me down and gave me the last pieces of advice she would ever dispel. I’d followed one of those pieces three weeks earlier when I’d quit smoking, even though I was now back to square one with that. I’d quit again. Getting back into music and pursuing my dream to be a rock star, as childish as that sounded, had been the second thing I’d done. This time I knew I wouldn’t screw it up, and I wouldn’t let it go to my head. I was in it for the long haul.
“He ran into Emily,” Kristin announced when it was obvious I wasn’t going to tell them, “and I think she thought we were together or something.”
“Who?” Jen asked, looking at me for clarification.
“She did not think we were together,” I said, annoyed that she kept saying that.
“Yes, she did,” Kristin insisted.
“That girl was hot,” Derrick chimed in from where he sat on the floor building a castle with Lily’s blocks. “Is she single?”
No one answered him.
“Who is Emily?” Jen demanded. Andrew took her hand when he saw her getting agitated.
“A girl Zack dated over the summer,” Leo explained.
“A really hot girl,” Derrick added, and I glared at him.
Jen raised her eyebrow at me. “There was a girl over the summer?”
“Yeah,” I said, leaning my head back against the rocking chair and slowly moving it back and forth. “There was a girl.”
“He was in love with her, but he never admitted it, and then he ended things,” Leo said.
“I was not in love with her,” I said, my eyes flashing. “It was just a casual thing.”
Leo laughed. “Yeah, a casual thing with a girl you spent every day with and introduced to your mom. Yeah, it was completely casual.”
I narrowed my eyes at his sarcasm, even though I knew he was right.
“She met Lynne?” Jen said, and the surprise she felt was apparent.
“Emily didn’t think it was casual,” Kristin chimed in. “You could totally tell by the way she looked at him tonight. She was pissed.”
“Emmy pissed,” Lily said, and I looked down at her. She loved to repeat things she heard.
“Language guys,” Jen said, warning the collective group of us as she had to do from time to time.
I sighed and shook my head.
“Zack, did you love her?” Jen asked, pulling my focus back to her.
I shook my head again. “I don’t know.”
“Emmy funny,” Lily said. “Emmy pay Tay Swif.”
I looked down at her, and Jen gasped, pulling my attention away from my Taylor Swift loving daughter.
“What?” I asked, looking at the panicked expression on her face. “Jen, what is it?”
“What does Emily look like, Zack?” she asked calmly, so I told her.
Jen shook her head a few times, processing what I was saying, and then it was Kristin’s turn to gasp. “Oh, that’s too ironic.”
“What are you guys talking about?” I asked through gritted teeth, trying to keep my temper in check.
“Emily is Lily’s babysitter,” Jen deadpanned.
“What?” I asked, leaning forward thinking I hadn’t heard her correctly.
“I’m pretty sure the Emily that you dated is the same Emily who’s been babysitting Lily for the past year.”
“No way,” I said, knowing that couldn’t be. “Jen, that’s crazy. Emily doesn’t like Taylor Swift.”
Jen rolled her eyes. “You seriously need to let that go, Zack. You get hung up on the weirdest crap.”
“I don’t know, Jen,” Andrew chimed in. “Musical taste is pretty important, I mean–”
“Well, you know what?” she said, cutting him off. “I like Taylor Swift, okay? When her songs come on in the car, I don’t change the channel. So there.”
“I like her too,” Kristin chimed in, and I realized we’d gone way off topic. “I downloaded her last album. It was really good.”
“I know, right,” Jen said, and I noticed Andrew and Leo looking at their girlfriends like they were insane.
“Okay, let’s focus here,” I said in an attempt to bring everyone back to center. “Jen, there is no way Emily, my Emily, is Lily’s babysitter.”
“Did anyone else pick up on the fact that he said ‘my Emily’?” Leo asked.
“I did,” Derrick said, setting the last block on the top of his castle in victory.
“Me too,” Kristin said.
“Down, Daddy,” Lily said, already trying to worm out of my lap, so I set her down.
“Here, I’ll prove it,” Jen said, getting up and going into the kitchen.
We all watched as Lily very gleefully, knocked down the castle of blocks, much to Derrick’s dismay.
“Lily,” Kristin said, “You shouldn’t do that. You just demolished the castle Uncle Derrick built for you, because you’re a princess.”
“That’s right, Lily Girl,” Derrick said, as he pulled Lily onto his lap. “Princesses live in castles, and you’re the most special princess in all the land. Now help me rebuild it, okay?”
Lily nodded eagerly, as she and Derrick started lining up blocks once again.
Jen returned a minute later with her camera. I watched in stunned silence as she flipped through her digital pictures, knowing exactly what she was going to show me.
“Here,” she finally said, shoving the camera under my nose.
I glanced at the picture before closing my eyes for a few seconds and then opened them again. The picture hadn’t changed. There was Emily, sans nose ring, smiling and playing in a sandbox with Lily when she was just a year old.
“Shit,” I hissed, forgetting Lily was in the room.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the rocker for a few seconds. When I opened my eyes, I saw everyone staring at me, too afraid to say anything.
“Jen,” I said calmly, “does Emily know that I’m Lily’s father?”
Jen looked puzzled for a second, and then shook her head slowly. “I don’t think so. We haven’t really talked about you before – at least I don’t think we have. Why?”
“Because I never told her about Lily,” I sighed, and then it was Jen’s turn to curse.
***
“So do you want to explain to me why you didn’t tell me you were dating someone this summer?” Jen asked after I came out of Lily’s room, having gone in to check on her
when she’d started crying as everyone had started leaving, making more noise than normal.
I knew Jen would want to talk to me about Emily once were alone. The look on her face all night spoke volumes. She was mad.
“Honestly, Jen, I didn’t really think it was any of your business,” I said, as I settled back into the rocking chair and ran my hand through my hair.
Jen sat across from me on the couch, leaning forward on her knees, appraising me. “Zack, we have a child together. You might not want to share who you’re dating with me, but you don’t have a choice. I need to know who my daughter is going to be around.”
“Jen, don’t do this,” I said, hating when she got in one of her moods. She did it constantly when we were dating, and it was part of the reason why we didn’t make it as a couple. She always had to throw shit back in my face. She never let anything go.
“Do what?” Jen asked innocently.
I rolled my eyes and started rocking back and forth rhythmically. “Act like I don’t know how to be a good father.”
“I never said that,” she said, sitting up straighter.
I gave her a pointed look. “You implied it, and quite honestly, I’m a little sick of it. You’re a great mom, but you’re not perfect, and neither am I, so quit expecting it. It’s not fair.” Jen looked taken aback and tried to get a word in, but I wasn’t finished. “There has not been a single day since she was born that I haven’t been there for Lily, that I haven’t done everything I could to make her life better and be a good father to her. She is a happy little girl who is loved, so just stop. I am not in the mood for your shit right now.”
Jen rolled her eyes. “Zack I get that you’ve had a bad night. You ran into your ex-girlfriend, and I’m sure it was really traumatic, but you need to put that aside, and stop putting words into my mouth. I get that you feel guilty all of a sudden, because you know how shitty it was to keep the fact that you have a daughter from someone you obviously cared about, but that’s on you. I never said you were a bad father.”
Buried Castles Page 14
