‘My wife is not close to anyone,’ he said. ‘She had a falling-out with her family well before we were married. Her parents haven’t even met Tommy. They live in Western Australia. The last we heard it was Fremantle, but they could very well have moved by now. Kate has a sister somewhere…last time I heard she was living in a remote part of a developing country. She’s a missionary, but as far as Christian charity goes, it apparently doesn’t stretch as far as this.’
‘Is there any way of contacting Kate’s parents and sister?’
His eyes were cold and distant as they met hers. ‘Why would I bother? In many ways they are the reason Kate and I came unstuck. When I married her I thought I could help her overcome her past, but in time I realised it was beyond me. Kate suffered some sort of abuse as a child, she has never said exactly what, but her frequent episodes of depression seem to indicate it was serious.’
So you bailed out when things got tough? Allegra was too professional to say the words out loud, although she dearly longed to, but Keith must have sensed something for he said without apology, ‘I have met someone else. She is everything my wife is not. She is confident, assured, going somewhere and determined. She is an extrovert and meets my needs in a way Kate has never done.’ He paused, almost guiltily. ‘Look, Dr Tallis, I’ve spent close to ten years propping my wife up with every means available. She’s been in and out of clinics and I can no longer carry on supporting her. I want a life of my own without the burden of a partner who is bordering on the psychotic most of the time.’
‘But what about your son?’
His eyes fell away from hers again. ‘My son is not likely to survive…I know that. I guess I’ve known it from the first moment. I’m simply doing my best to prepare myself for the inevitable.’
‘So you’re giving up, just like that?’
‘You would do the same if you were in my situation,’ he said. ‘Most people would.’
‘That’s not true,’ she protested. ‘Just because you think something is too tough to face doesn’t mean others don’t have the courage to face what life dishes up.’
‘Maybe life hasn’t dished up something you have been thrown by, but you just wait until it does. You might think differently then.’
‘Tommy deserves a life,’ she said. ‘At this moment you are the person who holds that life in your hands. Don’t throw it away because of the fear of the unknown. Mr Pardle’s and Dr Addison’s opinions need to be taken into account, but you have the final say. Please, don’t forget that. Don’t let their pessimism sway you. They have seen brain damage in all its forms and to a lesser degree so have I, but I have also seen lost opportunities, lives cut short that might have been rehabilitated if given a chance.’
‘I can’t play Russian roulette with my son’s life,’ he said. ‘I have personally seen the damage of an extremely needy child, how it erodes the very essence of a person’s life. I know this is probably a shocking statement for you to hear, but let me tell you there are worse things than the death of a child. Much, much worse.’
Allegra watched as he moved away from his son’s bedside, barely sparing a glance at the tiny body on the bed as he twitched aside the curtains and left.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ALLEGRA was in the office in ICTU, hunting through the phone book for Serena Fairbright’s phone number, when Joel came in.
‘Are we still on for tonight?’ he asked, his glance going to the f section of the phone book open in front of her. ‘Who are you looking for?’
‘Tommy’s aunt,’ she said, running her index finger down the seemingly endless list. ‘I wonder what her husband’s name is. It would make this a whole lot easier.’
‘She might be divorced,’ he suggested, looking over her shoulder, his aftershave, in spite of a full day at work, still lingering on him, instantly stirring her senses into overdrive. She disguised her reaction by peering even closer at the fine print, but it became blurred and unreadable.
‘Why didn’t you ask Keith Lowe for her number when he was in?’ he asked. ‘I just saw him a few moments ago in the car park, not to speak to, but if he was just here you could have saved yourself the trouble of trawling the phone book, especially if you don’t know which suburb the woman lives in.’
She blew out a tiny frustrated breath as she leaned back in her chair. ‘Mr Lowe’s not the most co-operative person. He doesn’t think his sister is going to be much help, but Kate Lowe has said Serena’s name several times now, almost as many times as she’s said Tommy’s.’ She closed the phone book in defeat. ‘She must have an unlisted number.’
‘What did you have in mind for her to do?’
Allegra hunted his face for any sign of ridicule but she was pleasantly surprised by the absence of any such thing. Instead, she saw concern in his dark brown eyes as they held hers.
‘I’m not sure…’she confessed, gnawing at her bottom lip for a moment. ‘I thought I’d just ask her to come in and sit by Kate’s bed and talk to her, you know, like any good friend would do.’
‘You’re assuming they are good friends,’ he said, yet again demonstrating his penchant for solid testable evidence.
‘They must have some sort of relationship,’ Allegra pointed out. ‘She’s Kate’s sister-in-law and therefore Tommy’s aunt. She’s visited him at least three times.’
‘But not Kate.’
‘No…’
‘Family relationships can be tricky, especially after what happened in this case. Have you met this woman—the aunt?’
‘A couple of times.’
‘And?’
‘Well, for one thing, you can definitely see they came from the same nest. Mr Lowe told me a little of their background. It was quite tragic so I guess that’s why he comes across as so emotionally distant. She’s just as bad. Affection was in short supply in their childhood. God knows how they survived it.’
Joel perched on the edge of the desk, his long thighs close to her chest where she sat in the chair. ‘What happened?’
She met his eyes. ‘He had a sister with autism, a severe form apparently, the eventual diagnosis too late to help. The parents weren’t able to cope and took it out on Keith—his sister Serena, too, I suppose—but I get the feeling he copped the brunt of it for some reason.’
Joel’s gaze shifted from hers as he looked at the closed phone book in front of her. ‘That’s tough. No wonder he’s so uncomfortable with illness and hospitals. It must bring back some pretty distressing memories.’
‘Yes…’ She pushed back her chair and stood up and stretched, visibly wincing as a muscle protested in her back.
He sent her a teasing look. ‘Maybe I should cancel dinner and book you in for a massage instead. But, then, I seem to recall you telling me you would need to be comatose to allow me to do it, or words to that effect.’
She gave him a playful poke in the ribs. ‘If I don’t get something to eat and drink in the next hour, I am going to be comatose, and it would take a whole lot more than a massage to wake me.’
‘Ah, but you haven’t yet experienced the magic of my touch,’ he said. ‘Or at least not on the whole of your body.’
Her eyes met his and she felt a sensation pass through her that felt like a surge of electricity at the thought of his hands moving all over her already tingling flesh. She could well imagine his touch would do more than wake her from a deeply unconscious state. In some ways she felt he had already done so. For years she had avoided the emotional intensity of an intimate relationship and yet his very first kiss had brought her to full and vibrant life.
‘Come on,’ he said, as he began to lead her out of the office. ‘We’d better get out of here before someone needs us. I’ve had a fifteen-hour day as it is.’
‘Only fifteen?’ She glanced up at him playfully. ‘What are you doing, slowing down or something?’
He grinned as he waited for her to pass him in the unit doorway. ‘You’re a fine one to talk, young lady. I will have to think of a way to make yo
u forget about work for a while. Good food, good wine and something else.’
‘A good movie?’
He tapped her on the end of her uptilted nose, his dark eyes smouldering with promise. ‘You’ll just have to wait and see.’
The restaurant Joel had booked was in the Southgate complex, a strip of shops, bars and restaurants along the Yarra River, interspersed with hotels, galleries and the world-renowned Crown Casino situated at the far southern end. The Italian restaurant he’d chosen was exclusive and intimate, and they were soon led to a table overlooking the river where the late evening summer sunshine was shimmering on the surface of the notoriously murky-looking water.
Joel caught her looking down at the river and smiled. ‘It’s not exactly tempting in terms of taking a dip, is it?’
She returned his smile. ‘I’ve been in many times. I was a rower for my school team. Many times on frosty mornings I rowed up and down further along from here.’
‘I’m impressed,’ he said, leaning back as the waiter handed him a menu and the wine list. ‘Do you still row?’
‘On the rare occasions my nagging conscience compels me to go to the gym. I do the token thing with the rowing machine, feeling a fool for breaking out in a sweat after three minutes.’
He gave a soft chuckle of laughter. ‘I know the feeling. I haven’t been near a gym for ages.’
‘How do you keep so…so pumped?’ she asked.
‘Pumped?’
‘You know…’ She gave him a little embarrassed glance, trying not to let her gaze linger too long on the broad muscles of his shoulders clearly visible through his shirt. ‘You’ve got a well-defined body. You must do something to keep it in shape.’
‘I run a bit, I also push a few weights around the house, more to move them out of the way when I haul the vacuum cleaner around.’
Allegra couldn’t hold back a gurgle of amusement. ‘There must be thousands of homes out there with unused gym equipment gathering dust and cobwebs. I hired a treadmill once but in the end I used it as a clothes horse. I really missed it when the contract ran out.’
His mouth softened in a smile, his eyes warm as they meshed with hers. ‘What do you think about the hospital installing a gym for the staff?’ he asked.
Her hand stalled as she reached for her water glass. ‘Wow, you really are an ideas man, aren’t you?’
‘Seriously, though, Allegra,’ he said, leaning his forearms on the table, ‘what do you think? Would you, for instance, use it if it was available?’
She thought about it for a moment. ‘I guess it would be better having it on site rather than going home exhausted from work and trying to summon up the energy to go out again to a local gym.’
‘And it would encourage a community atmosphere among the staff,’ he said. ‘I know it’s not an original idea—there are other hospitals with gyms—but I thought it would be a way of building a better social network. I get the feeling there are warring factions all over the place at Melbourne Memorial.’
‘Yes, that’s true, but only because, like every other public hospital, everyone is overworked and stressed. The new development came at a high price for other specialties.’
‘I am very much aware of that, and that’s why I want to do everything within my power to make this work.’
‘Even if it means I don’t get to achieve the goals of my project?’
He lifted his eyes from the menu he’d been looking at to connect with hers. ‘Let’s not fight tonight, Allegra. I’m tired and so are you. We’d end up saying things we don’t mean and ruining what could prove to be a really nice evening.’
‘I know, but I can’t help feeling the pressure of time running out. I want more time to work with Tommy Lowe.’
His eyes clashed with hers. ‘Is that why you agreed to come out with me, to try and convince me to change my mind?’
Allegra didn’t like the accusing edge to his tone. ‘Is it so much to ask? He’s a small child. What are a few more weeks? Surely you can allow me that to work a little longer with him?’
Joel put down the menu as if the thought of food was suddenly nauseating. ‘Drop it, Allegra. I don’t wish to discuss work this evening.’
Something about the implacability of his expression made her back down. It wasn’t something she was used to doing, but she recognised the pressure they had both been under and, like him, wanted to enjoy the evening for what it was. Heaven knew, they both deserved a break. It had been a hell of a week so far and wasn’t over yet.
‘All right,’ she said, picking up her menu and burying her nose in it.
Joel stole a glance at her, inwardly grimacing at the way her eyes were doing their best to avoid his. He knew how passionate she was about the Lowe boy and privately he admired and loved her for it. He’d seen the same passion so many times, and yet from his personal experience he couldn’t quite allow her free rein. He knew the other side and it wasn’t pretty. He admired her for believing in miracles, he had believed in them himself once. So, too, had his parents until the brutal blow of reality had laid its heavy weight on their shoulders. He felt the crushing burden of it even now. He imagined his parents just kilometres away, locked in a prison of suffering that had no key to freedom.
‘Guess what?’ Allegra said, jolting him out of his tortured reverie. ‘They have pizza on the menu.’
He gave her a twisted smile. ‘No kidding?’
She showed him the place on her menu. ‘See. Pizza. I know it’s in garlic or herb bread form, but pizza is pizza.’
‘Let’s have a look at the wine list,’ he said, reaching for it and giving it a quick perusal. ‘I think we should have the most expensive one to compensate.’
‘But I feel like pizza bread tonight,’ she said. ‘Would you mind?’
He rolled his eyes. ‘I wish there was a manual issued with every woman, just like a car, so a guy has a chance to figure out how to work her out.’
‘I’m not that complicated,’ she defended herself, with a little smile.
‘Yes, you are.’
‘No more than you.’
‘What makes you say that?’ he asked, pretending an avid interest in the wine list.
‘You have an atmosphere of pain around you.’
He didn’t bother lifting his head from the wine list. ‘So we’re back to reading auras, are we?’
‘I have never said at any point that I was into reading auras,’ she said. ‘I don’t even know what exactly what the word means. But I do know that every person sends off body language and I am very familiar with reading those signals.’
‘So what does my body language reveal to you apart from an atmosphere of pain, which could simply mean I have a headache or a stomach upset?’
‘Are you unwell?’
He raised his eyes to hers. ‘I’m a doctor, for God’s sake. Do you think I wouldn’t be able to tell if I was sick or not?’
‘Doctors make terrible self-diagnosticians and even worse patients,’ she pointed out rationally. ‘We all kid ourselves that illness can’t happen to us. We develop a sense of invulnerability. Then we overlook the most obvious signs in ourselves when disease does occur, and try to just carry on while everyone around us is telling we look grey and sickly.’
‘I can assure you I am very well at present. I am, however, tired and have a tendency for tension headaches from time to time, but apart from that I enjoy robust health, so there goes your body language theory.’
‘I could give you a massage to ease the tension in your neck,’ she offered.
His dark eyes connected with hers. ‘Only if you promise to work your way down to where the real tension is building every minute I sit looking at you.’
Allegra felt the full force of his sexual invitation, as if he had reached right across the table and touched her where she most wanted to be touched. A shiver of anticipation ran the length of her spine, lingering among the fine hairs at the back of her neck until she could barely sit still in her seat. She was incred
ibly conscious of his long muscled thighs just centimetres from her own. And she knew if she so much as stretched her legs, she would encounter them. The temptation to do so was almost overwhelming.
‘Is a relationship between us advisable?’ she asked, more out of a need to fill the suddenly throbbing silence than any real need to know. She already knew the answer. It was asking for trouble to get involved with a man who held so much of himself aloof. Her mother would be appalled. Her father would immediately try and diagnose some sort of personality disorder, no doubt warning her about becoming involved with a man who seemed to have ‘Keep Away’ invisibly printed on his forehead.
‘Probably not, but we can keep it private,’ he said. ‘At least for the time being.’
‘Great,’ she said with heavy sarcasm. ‘I finally find a man I admire and respect, and he wants me to keep our relationship quiet. Some girls have all the luck.’
He reached for her hand across the table, linking his long fingers with hers. ‘Listen, Allegra. You’re a beautiful person. I’m seriously attracted to you, probably more attracted to you than I have been to anyone in the last decade. But I can’t make you promises that this will last for ever. I’m not planning to head down the marriage-and-kids track. I think you need to know that from the outset. If you want an affair with me, I am more than willing to commit to that for however long it works for us, but as to a house in the suburbs and a couple of kids and a car pool routine—forget it. It’s just not me.’
Allegra felt as if someone had ripped her heart from her chest. She felt empty and hollow inside, bleeding and raw, torn apart with the pain of making a choice that she knew would only cause her more suffering in the end.
In spite of her parents’ open relationship, the one thing she had longed for all her life had been a wedding with all the regalia. It was practically every girl’s dream to be a princess for a day, and she was no different. She wanted kids, two at least, and a dog, maybe even a cat, one of those big fluffy ones that left long hairs on the couch. She wanted runny noses and sleepless nights; she wanted her own Tommy, a little boy with the world in front of him. She wanted a princess, just like Alice Greeson had been for her parents. She wanted it all. And most of all she wanted Joel Addison—but he came with conditions, conditions she wasn’t sure she could cope with.
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