‘Hardly.’
‘And back to the original question, I didn’t mean you were calling me dull. Even when your temper is up, I don’t think you’d have been that mean.’
I leant against the wall as Nate held the kettle up in silent invitation and I smiled in acceptance.
‘Certainly not intentionally.’
He flicked the kettle to boil and turned back to me. ‘The comment was one often repeated by my wife.’
‘Then she’s wrong.’
‘Not necessarily. I did work a lot.’
‘That doesn’t automatically mean you’re dull. People spend a lot of time at work for all sorts of reasons, not least to earn money to do things that are fun.’
‘That’s true.’
‘Can I say something?’
Nate poured water into the teapot and set it in front of us on the coffee table to brew as we took a seat each on the sofa. ‘Am I going to like it?’
‘I don’t know.’
He took a deep breath, turning a little more towards me. ‘Come on then, let me have it.’
I smiled. ‘It’s not that bad, don’t worry.’
‘A statement which makes me even more concerned.’
I bumped my shoulder against his and grinned before looking back up at him, my smile fading a little as other feelings took its place.
‘So, what is it?’ he asked, pouring the tea.
‘I was just thinking that maybe it’s time to start letting go of all the more uncomplimentary things you may have been told over the years.’ Nate shifted position a little, keeping his eyes averted.
‘I know it’s not that easy,’ I said, resting a hand briefly on his arm. ‘It’s always easier for us to believe the bad stuff for some reason. But there comes a point where we just have to stand up for ourselves and be our own cheerleader.’
Nate placed a perfect cup of tea in front of me. ‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say that this advice was coming from personal experience.’
I lifted the drink and he met my eyes over his own mug. ‘It might be.’
He fixed me with a look.
‘OK,’ I said taking a sip before returning the china mug back to its coaster. ‘It’s definitely coming from experience. And that’s why I know how important it is for you to let go of all the bad stuff. All it does is eat away at you, making you more and more unhappy and insecure, and for what?’ I turned to face Nate more. He’d replaced his tea on the table, beside mine, and now it felt like his whole being was focused on me. It was a little hard to concentrate with that amount of hotness centred on me, but I made the effort.
‘It’s just one person’s opinion of you, Nate. I know you loved her very much, but you can’t let words like that shape you for the rest of your life. At some point, you need to take back control and decide who you are, and who you want to be and start taking steps to make that happen.’
For a moment, Nate said nothing. I sat watching him for a moment, wondering if I had overstepped the mark.
‘It’s not that easy though, is it?’ His gaze flicked up and met mine, a half smile on his lips but sadness in his eyes. ‘I mean, it sounds so easy. Be positive. Move on. Simple words. And you sit there thinking, how hard can it be?’ He shifted position and glanced out at the sea, the foam being whipped by the beginnings of a storm weather forecasters had announced coming in from the Atlantic. ‘Turns out those little words are some of the hardest to live by. At least, it seems that way to me for the moment.’
‘Sometimes it’s the smallest words that can have the biggest impact.’
Nate gave me an even look.
‘Oh God,’ I laughed, breaking the tension. ‘I sound like some cheesy self-help book.’ I was glad to see that this time his smile reached his eyes. ‘And I’m not knocking self-help books. God knows I’ve gone some way to keeping that particular part of the publishing industry in business over the past couple of years!’
‘Is that right?’
‘Well, I certainly seem to have acquired quite the collection.’
‘Did any of them help?’
‘I think some of them did, actually. Some of them weren’t for me but different things work for different people. And I think a good proportion of it was that I felt like I was taking back control. That I was making an effort to make the changes I wanted in my life, even if I wasn’t entirely sure what it was I actually wanted. The most important thing is that I realised what I didn’t want.’
‘And what was that?’
‘A life where I felt irrelevant.’
‘You could never be irrelevant, Sophia.’
‘Oh, you’d be surprised.’
‘I would,’ he returned, ‘You’ve got an energy about you. A drive. There’s no way you could ever just be… anything less than you are now.’
‘I was. Believe me. And I’m determined never to be that way again.’
Having finished his tea, Nate relaxed back into the soft cushions of the sofa. ‘So, what’s the story with you then? Everyone seems to already have a good idea as to what’s happened with me, something I need to have a word with my brother about, but you’ve lived here for some time now and no one seems to know that much about your history.’
I felt a discomfort creep through my bones.
Yes, and that’s exactly how I’d like it to stay.
‘Have you been spying on me?’ I asked, forcing a lightness into my tone that I wasn’t entirely sure sounded natural.
‘Not at all. People just seem to talk here. A lot.’
‘That is true, but they don’t mean anything by it. And don’t be cross with Gabe. It’s pretty hard to keep a secret in this place.’
‘You seem to have managed pretty well.’
I laughed off the comment. ‘It’s no secret I walked out on an unhappy marriage and ran away to the seaside.’
‘That can’t be all there is to it?’
‘Can’t it? Isn’t that enough?’ I asked quietly. ‘People the world over do the same thing every day in one way or another. People who once believed in those vows they made, who couldn’t imagine a life without that person they were joining themselves to. And then somewhere, somehow, for one reason or another, or maybe for no particular reason at all, suddenly it’s not working any more. This thing they’d believed in, that they’d both wanted, now wasn’t something they wanted at all.’
‘Or maybe only one of you still wants it.’
I sat back, both of us facing out towards the large glass doors, watching the clouds darken, turning the sea a heavy leaden grey. Seagulls swooped low and erratically as the wind caught them and blew them off course, their screeches competing with the strengthening storm.
‘And do you?’
He rolled his head on the back of the sofa lazily, and I turned at the movement.
‘What?’
‘Still want your marriage.’
‘I thought I did. For a long time after Serena left, I thought I did. Despite all the rows and tantrums and stress, I thought that if I just did this or that, it would be different if she’d just give us another try.’
‘And now?’
‘No. Not any more.’ He let out a sigh. ‘When I first came here, I dreaded having to walk the dog.’
I frowned, hurt on behalf of my four-legged friend.
Nate smiled. ‘Don’t look at me like that.’
‘I can’t help it,’ I replied, honestly.
‘Let me explain before you judge me.’
‘Fair enough. I’m listening.’
‘It wasn’t the dog walking as such I was dreading, it was the time. Time I’d have to turn things over in my mind. Time alone with my thoughts.’
His comment now made more sense and I understood exactly what he meant.
‘When I came here I did a lot of walking. On the beach, out in the countryside, round the village. But I never went anywhere without my headphones and an audio book, or a podcast or the radio. Something, anything to keep the thoughts out of my head.’
Nate sat up a little. ‘That’s it. That’s it exactly. I did the same thing.’
‘So, what happened?’ I asked quietly.
‘I guess I realised that keeping things parked out of sight only works for so long. And it was kind of hard to keep track of my book or whatever when Bry was always charging up, ready to play. It felt unfair to him to only give him half my attention.’
I smiled and looked over at him. ‘You’re a big softy really, aren’t you?’
He gave a quirk of his eyebrows. ‘For my sins.’
‘There are far worse things to be.’
‘I guess that’s true.
‘So, how’s it going then? Letting all these thoughts in?’
‘Not as scary as I’d first thought. Some days are worse than others but I suppose that’s all part of the process.’
‘I think so.’
‘I wasn’t convinced of Gabe’s idea of coming here. I felt that I could write anywhere. That soulless hotel room in Sydney you mentioned when we first met, for one. But my baby brother has more insight than I gave him credit for. For him it was always about more than me just having a quiet place to write. It was a place for me to start healing. To start, for lack of a better turn of phrase, and at the risk of sounding a bit hippy dippy, finding myself again. Like you said, discovering who I am and who I want to be and getting on the road to making that happen.’
‘And how do you think that’s going?’ I asked.
Nate shifted on the sofa, turning to face me a little more. ‘Better than expected. Admittedly there was a small hiccup with nearly getting caught up with Corinne, which I definitely hadn’t planned on.’
‘But you felt you did the right thing?’
‘Definitely. I wasn’t looking for anyone when I came here, just like I told you, albeit rather clumsily now I think back on it.’
I shrugged it off. ‘Sometimes things happen when we are least expecting them. That doesn’t mean we should automatically write them off, just because they weren’t on our plan.’
‘No, that’s true,’ he said, before letting out an ‘oof’ noise as Bryan, who had now woken up from his nap, wandered over and decided to join us. His aim as he leapt up on to the sofa was either slightly off, or spot on, depending on what view you took. Nate’s own view was now through watering eyes.
‘Bryan, sweetie,’ I said, lifting him off Nate’s lap and settling him on my own for a few moments as Nate shuffled and recovered. ‘You’re totally adorable but you have to look where you’re going occasionally. We promised Gabe that we’d hand Nate back in one piece. You might be small but you know how fragile these male humans can be.’ Bryan tilted his head to one side and emitted a small squeak as he yawned.
‘I know, and yes, we still love you.’ At this, Bryan let out a contented sigh, walked round on my lap a couple of times and curled himself into me. ‘Don’t get too comfy down there. I’ve got to go in a minute.’
‘Do you have to leave?’
‘I’ve got a few things to pick up in the village and I’ve already disturbed your work for long enough.’
‘You’re not disturbing me. I like the company.’
I couldn’t help but grin. ‘Bet you didn’t think you’d be saying that a few weeks ago.’
‘Aah, come on. Give a bloke a break. I wasn’t that bad. Was I?’
I pulled a face and he grinned. To be fair, I didn’t think I’d be sat on this sofa musing on just how knee-meltingly good a smile Nate McKinley had a few weeks ago either. At that point in time, I wasn’t even convinced he could smile, so I guess in that respect we were pretty even.
‘Luckily, you improve with time. If you know what I mean.’
‘Are we back to the fact I’ve grown on you like a fungus?’ he laughed.
‘Just focus on the “grown on me” bit of that if the fungus part bothers you so much,’ I replied, happy to hear his laugh and feeling utterly relaxed myself.
‘I will.’ Nate lifted the dog off me so that I could get up. Bryan looked askance at him for a moment before burrowing under one of Holly’s beautiful cushions and making himself a little den instead.
‘So, this fayre?’
‘Uh-huh?’ I said, grabbing my coat from the hallway hook and swiping a couple of times to find the second sleeve.
‘Are you going? I mean, could I… we… kind of go together. Here.’ He moved behind me, found the sleeve hole and aimed it at my arm.
‘Thanks. Oh, sorry. I can’t,’ I said, turning back to face him as I belted the coat.
‘Oh. Right. No, that’s fine.’ He fiddled with the cuffs of his jumper for a moment. It was kind of adorable. ‘I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable and after I just made the whole big speech thing about not getting together with Corinne. I mean, I know what it sounds like and I totally understand that—’
As cute as Nate was right now, stumbling a little over his words and explanation – a fact I was doing my best to ignore – I had to put him out of his misery.
‘It’s all right. I didn’t think you were asking me out so you can relax. I’d have been happy to show you round the fayre ordinarily but it’s just that I’ve kind of got roped into taking part in it this year. It’s Flora and George’s wedding anniversary so he’s whisking her off somewhere for the night. The fayre is always a good night for sales, especially if the weather behaves, which it’s supposed to. Flora’s been so good to me so I said I’d mind the shop for her for in the evening.’ I took the hat he was holding out for me and pulled it down low over my ears. ‘You’re welcome to come and help too, of course.’
‘In the shop?’
‘Yes. I can show you the ropes and I’d be grateful for the company. But only if you want to, of course.’
‘I’m not sure I’d be much of an asset. It’s a long time since I had to deal with the public face to face. Normally it’s just me and suits talking about very dry statistics.’
I stole a glance at him. He was definitely more of an asset than he thought. Suddenly he dropped his gaze and locked straight on to mine. A smile broke on his face. ‘You know what? Why not? It might even be fun.’
‘It will be fun!’ I laughed, taking the bag he’d now handed me.
‘You sure Flora will be OK with it?’
Flora was already a huge fan of Nate McKinley and constantly encouraging me to become a bigger one myself. Something that would be very easy to do, had circumstances been different. But in the meantime, his company as a friend would be good and it would be another step in getting him out and mixing and building his confidence back up. It was a win-win situation.
‘She’ll be fine but you’re welcome to come back with me so we can run it by her together.’
‘That’s a great idea. Can you hang on a mo?’
‘No problem. Shall I get Bryan ready?’
‘Would you mind?’ he asked, leaning back over the stair banister.
I shook my head, smiling, leaving him to finish taking the stairs two at a time until I heard him in the bedroom, opening a wardrobe door and grabbing whatever it was he needed from there before rushing back down the stairs again. I had by this time coaxed Bryan out from his sofa den by merely lifting his lead from the hook. Before I could even turn round, I felt two small paws resting on my calf. Lead clipped on, Nate quickly unhooked the cosy coat he’d bought the little dog from where it was hanging and in moments, had snuggled his four-legged pal into it. Bryan was now looking from one of us to the other, and then at the front door, clearly wondering what we were all waiting for. Nate stuffed his feet quickly into the boots he’d kept near the radiator, zipping up the thick jacket he’d slipped into at the same time.
‘I know the dog’s in a hurry but there’s no rush,’ I laughed as he tried to pull his hat on at the same time, dropping it in the process.
‘I don’t want to hold you up.’
‘I’m not in a rush,’ I repeated, slower this time as I picked up the hat from the floor. ‘It’s fine. Now stand still,’ I sai
d, before reaching up to place the knitted beanie on Nate’s head, taking a moment to adjust it, although in all honesty, it already looked perfect. He was one of those people who just automatically looked good in anything. Bit sickening really. But it was clear he didn’t realise this, which made the trait even more attractive.
‘Thanks,’ he said, quietly, once I’d finished.
‘You’re welcome.’
‘Ready?’ I asked, opening the front door and catching my breath as an icy breeze pierced the bubble of warmth we’d been ensconced in.
‘Let’s hope this has passed before the fayre opens!’ Nate said, raising his voice to carry over the wind that was now howling round us.
‘It’s supposed to,’ I said, glancing up at him, and staggering slightly as a rush of wind pounded into me.
‘Here,’ he said, holding out his arm. ‘Let’s tackle it together. Bryan can pull us along,’ he laughed, looking down at the little dog, who was trotting into the wind, his ears almost at right angles to his head as he occasionally snapped at it, catching an interesting smell or two. Tucking my arm through Nate’s, I smiled as he pulled it closer to his body, bringing me along with it.
‘Ready?’ he asked, as we faced the wind again. Nate’s nose was turning pink from the cold, but his face was more relaxed than I’d seen it since he’d come here. A gust blew around us and caught him, snatching any other words he might have been about to say away. He shook his head and tried again, laughing. ‘Come to England, they said. It’ll be great, they said!’
I squeezed his arm. ‘It is great, and you know it. It’s just a bit…’ I powered against the wind. ‘Breezy!’
Nate laughed again, pulling his arm tight in order to make us a smaller target for the wind, and we pushed on together up towards the village.
22
In accordance with the wishes of an entire village, the day of the fayre saw no trace of the previous storm, save a few small, misplaced branches snapped off in the wind and carried away. The sky was a cool, bright blue, dotted here and there with the wispiest drapes of white cloud. Outside on the little streets, the village was buzzing with activity as signs were erected, the main road closed to traffic and rows of temporary stalls began to take shape on the main thoroughfare.
Winter at Wishington Bay Page 19
