“Okay. Sounds good to me. Let me just grab my coat.” I quickly put on my coat, grab my purse, and follow him out the front glass doors.
As Vin and I walk to Illinois Center, I really do not know what to talk about, and I am trying my hardest to just keep up with him. He is a fast walker. As we get to the corner of Michigan Avenue and Lake Street, the light quickly turns to the walk sign, and Vin immediately picks up his pace.
I must have looked ridiculous trying to keep up with him in my heels. I really need to get better city shoes. I think I will go to the store after work today. I especially need to get some better boots before it snows again. I will ask the girls in the office what they liked to wear. Obviously, I am thinking about my shoes way too much, and it is just ridiculous how much these heels are affecting my everyday life.
We walk into the Illinois Center and up the stairs to the soup place. Inside the Illinois Center, the line at the soup place is really long. It must be good, and we joke about the “The Soup Nazi” episode on Seinfeld. We wait about ten minutes to order but get our soup in a few minutes. We find an open table in the seating area and sit down. We open our soup containers and eat for a few minutes in silence.
“So. How do you like the city so far?”
“So far. So good. However, I haven’t even been here a week. I moved into my apartment this past weekend right before I started this job. So, it’s all very new and exciting.”
“Wow. You are really new to the city. Where did you get an apartment?”
“In Lakeview. My brother is living with me.”
“How’s that going?”
“Okay. He took the better room. I have a tiny room with no closet.”
“Hmm. Is that legal.”
“I have no idea, but it’s a huge pain to not have a closet.” I switch the conversation to Vin because I am starting to feel angry again with my brother. I ask him about how he started the company and a few personal questions about him.
“Actually, I just moved with my girlfriend from Lakeview to an apartment in River North.”
“Oh. Natalie?”
“What? Hmm no. I’m not dating her. We are just friends. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a few years, but I’m not sure how interested I am now. I started feeling different about our relationship before we moved in. I thought living together would help, but it didn’t. I feel myself pulling away from her.”
I am a little shocked that he is so open with me. He is my boss. I barely know him. This situation must really be bothering him.
“Wow. That sounds like a tough situation. I’m sorry.” I am careful not to overstep and say too much.
“So, can I ask you another question?”
“Yep, sure.”
“The day I interviewed with you . . . you were really . . . umm . . . just, really . . . umm . . . not interested in interviewing me. It threw me off, and I’m sorry if I said anything weird about the whole teaching thing.”
“That’s not really a question. But, don’t be sorry, you did great, and James really liked you. That’s why you go the job.”
“Umm, you’re right, that wasn’t a question. Okay, well, why did you act like that when I came in?”
“Was I mean? I’m sorry. Maybe just James threw me off. I wasn’t expecting you to come in. I expected James to handle it all. I must have been too focused on something.”
“Oh okay. I was just wondering anyways. You have been way nicer the last two days.”
“Well, that’s good. I’m not trying to be mean. I get engrossed in work sometimes.”
We finish our lunch and hustle out in the cold and back to the office. “Hey, we should all go out sometime. Maybe plan a happy hour or something, you know, so you can get to know the team a little more.”
“Yeah. That would be great. I’d like that. Thank you so much for lunch. The soup was really good.”
“Good. Glad you liked it.”
Moments later we are walking back through the glass doors, I am at my desk, and Vin heads back to his office. I am so pleased that lunch went well, and my boss is no longer acting the way he did during my interview. I am also glad I said something about my interview. I feel relieved about it because I have to work so closely with him every day.
My day ended around five, and I head toward the Brown Line. I decided to look for better boots this weekend. I am just too tired to do it this evening. It is already getting dark and I am feeling a little nervous, a little anxious to be walking alone to the train. It is only a few short blocks to the train and this was, after all, part of living in the city. I look around me, and the streets are busy with after-work traffic. Crowds of people are heading toward the train. I take a deep breath. I tell myself, I am okay.
My train ride to Diversey is about thirty minutes. I am headed down Sheffield and close to my street when I see a familiar face walking toward me. Suddenly, my heart starts to race, and I instantly feel anxious. It is Dylan.
Dylan is the guy that I had been dating. Yes, had. Over the last few months, I enjoyed coming up to the city to visit him. We spent a lot of time together hanging out, going to different bars and restaurants, and exploring the city’s neighborhoods. He had also been great in helping me find a few neighborhoods where I would feel comfortable moving to. Dylan and I were introduced by a good friend of mine, and right away things were going well between us. We would see each other most weekends. I thought he was a great guy. The last few months had been fun, and I absolutely thought we were a couple.
However, literally days before I moved to the city, he stopped talking to me. I didn’t want to think about it too much at the time, because I was eager to start my new life. I was little upset, broken-hearted, because I thought he was a great guy. What was also super strange is when I told him I signed my lease, he seemed excited. He told me that was perfect, because he found a place across the street from me. He said he was ready to move out of his sublet in Lincoln Park and into something nicer.
A few days later, he abruptly stopped talking to me. I was confused. Why would he want to move across the street, then days later stop returning my calls? I don’t understand guys. The whole thing made no sense.
He sees me walking toward him, and I knew he was trying to figure out what do.
“Oh hi.” He is now standing right in front of me, barely making eye contact. “How’s the city so far? Can’t believe you’re here now.”
“Yep, it’s been amazing so far!” I am trying to sound cheery.
“That’s great, maybe I’ll see you around, get a coffee or something, good to see you.”
He gives me a weak smile and continues walking. He is acting odd, and he clearly did not expect to run into me.
What was that! I wanted to yell out. I am so confused! What had happened? Who stops talking to someone just like that? Did he live in my neighborhood now? If he did, he must have just moved in too, but it seems way too quick. I thought about calling out his name, so I could ask him all these thoughts that were running through my head. I turn around to call out to him, but he is already too far away.
Now what? Should I text him? I look at my phone. I do not know what to say. I sigh and put my phone in my pocket, and I walk the rest of the way home feeling just so . . . blah. My mood has completely changed. I just could not understand what I did wrong. Just forget about him, I tell myself. This is an exciting time for you. Seriously, who cares about Dylan.
But I did care. I was really hurt. When I get home, I tell David about my extremely awkward encounter with Dylan.
“I’m so sorry. He’s such an idiot. Seriously. Try not to let him affect all the good things you have going on right now.”
My brother was right.
“Let’s watch some episodes of The Office. That will help get your mind off things.”
My brother had recently introduced me to the American version of The Office, and we were both completely hooked! I could not believe I hadn’t watched it before. I, for one, could not get enough of Jim and
Pam. I put on my comfy clothes and snuggled up on the couch under my blanket and wondered if I would I ever find someone like Jim?
Four
I think whenever you make a big life change, you kind of second guess it and ask yourself if you made the right choice. I love the city, and I love my new job, but I honestly have to say that I feel lonely.
This might sound silly since I am now living my dream, and I should really give my adjustment to life here some more time. It is only my second full week into my new life and I enjoy work and my new coworkers are great and have been so welcoming.
But apart from that and hanging out with my brother, I don’t have much to do. I am not used to the emptiness of it all.
As much as I want to, and as much as I am trying, I am not confident about walking around the city by myself. I want to do more alone and to see and explore everything, but I am holding myself back.
Numerous times after work, I wanted to walk down Michigan Avenue and browse around some of the stores. But, I become almost paralyzed with fear at the thought of taking the train home too late and walking alone to my apartment. I am so bummed. Here I am! In Chicago! This is my dream. I should be experiencing everything in this city, especially after having this dream for so long.
It’s Thursday of my second week of work and living in Chicago. I head home to make dinner and watch my newest obsession, The Office. Another somewhat lonely night. I guess staying home is okay, I mean, I really didn’t need to go out anyway. I was hoping the girls in the office would ask me to go out and have drinks with them, but nothing has been planned. I should have asked them what they were up to for Friday night or the weekend, but I didn’t. I was too shy to ask. So, what’s the worse they’d say? That they already had plans? But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
David is right, I do have a lot of good things going for me, and I should give myself more time to get settled and to adjust. I know I am a bit of a baby about it and impatient about making friends. However, I do know why I am feeling this way. I must be honest with myself about the real reason why I’m feeling weird about being alone and walking the city, especially at night. I need to help myself with this anxiety and get through it.
It’s only been a few years since my traumatic event. I knew these feelings could come back once I moved. My fears and anxiety will probably come back over and over throughout my life.
What happened to me was so frightening, and it paralyzed me with fear for a very long time. I still have issues with it, and it has affected my confidence and exacerbated any feelings I had of being alone.
A few years ago, one evening after work I was going to my friend’s house to meet up with a group of friends. I parked just outside the apartment building and walked toward the front door, just like I always did. I heard a voice call out to me from behind. I thought it was one of my guy friends, so I turned around to see a man dressed in all black, wearing a ski mask. Within seconds, he grabs me, puts a gun to my head, and grabs all of my belongings. I froze, paralyzed with fear, and waited for what he would do next. Luckily, just then, a car drove by, and its headlights lit us up. He hit me on the head with his gun and ran off.
I was stunned and terrified by what just happened, but I was alive! I ran up to my friend’s house for help.
This happened close to where I lived, where I grew up, in my safe and cozy suburb. Yep, in the suburbs! This proves that bad things can happen anywhere. I still have issues with it, and the move to the city has brought out all my feelings of anxiety. I try to feel safe while I figure out how to live safely in the city.
I try hard to overcome my fear of walking alone. I need to just get out and do everything I want to do in the city. I want to get out of my apartment, go for a walk on a Saturday morning, grab a coffee, and explore my neighborhood. But, I just can’t do it alone. Not yet anyway.
I feel stupid sometimes, and maybe there are some who think it is strange that I asked my brother to ride the train with me on my first day to work. It is hard for me to be out of my comfort zone. I’m determined, however, to get better at it and do everything I want to do. I will get over this little ‘hiccup’ and start to enjoy my life in the city.
The next day, Friday morning, I am getting ready for work, and David tells me he is heading home for the weekend.
“You should come with me. I can wait for you to you get off work today.”
I pause by the bathroom door thinking about my options for this weekend. It’s either hang out here alone or go home and see my parents.
“Okay. If you don’t mind waiting. I can probably be at Union Station by five-thirty.”
“Yeah I don’t mind. I know Mum and Dad will be happy to have you home for the weekend.”
We meet at Union Station on Friday after work and board the BNSF for the suburbs. I’m really looking forward to hanging out with Mum and Dad. My hometown isn’t too far away, but when you live in the city and don’t have a car, it can be a total pain to get home. Dad picks us up from train, and he’s really happy to see us.
“Hi Dad!” I throw my arms around him as soon as I see him.
“Hi Boots! How was your few weeks of work?”
“It’s really good. I really like it.”
“Good to hear. I thought we could pick up Chinese for dinner before we head home. I know Mum is so excited to see you both.”
“That sounds great. I’m starving.”
We phone in our order while in the car and pick it up on the way home. As I walk into my parents’ house, I get that familiar feeling of home. It’s wonderful. I instantly feel like I’m going to cry. I hug Mum so tightly and tell her how much I missed her.
“I missed you too, darling. Is everything okay? What’s wrong?”
At that moment, I feel like I could just move back home and forget all about my dream. I push back my tears and tell her how much I love my job and my apartment, but that I’m having a tough time going out on my own, especially once it becomes dark outside.
“Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry. What can we do to help you feel better? Let me get some plates, and we can all sit down to eat and talk about it.”
We all sit down to eat our Chinese food and all my feelings come out flooding out. David tells me that he will always come meet me or walk with me whenever I’m feeling nervous. It’s really sweet of him. It really comforts me to know that my family is completely supportive and understanding of my fears and feelings.
After dinner, I definitely don’t feel as crazy as I was earlier. Talking with my family has helped, and I no longer feel like I should pack up and move back home. I need to give my life in the city a chance. So, I have come up with a plan to make sure I have twenty dollars in the pocket of my purse at all times, so wherever I am in the city, if I’m feeling nervous, I can get into a cab and go home.
Saturday morning rolls around, we have our morning coffee, and Mum and I decide to head out to Target and Kohls, our normal suburban go-to on the weekends. It’s a good feeling to be out and doing something familiar. My anxiety is gone, and I’m feeling so much better.
That night, I borrow Dad’s car and head out to a bar called Features in Downtown Naperville. I am meeting up with my good friends. I park the car, and I walk into a somewhat crowded bar and spot those familiar faces. Excited to see them, I smile as they wave me over. I am feeling nostalgic. Maybe I made the wrong choice moving to Chicago? I try to push those feelings aside. I’m determined to enjoy a night out.
“How’s the city and your new job?”
“My job is great, but I’m having trouble being alone, being out and about walking around by myself.”
“Oh no,” says Heather and comforts me by rubbing my arm. “Well, whenever you are feeling down, you can call me. You will get through this, you did before.”
“I really hope so. It’s a terrible feeling to be this nervous all the time. You should see me walking home from the train. I walk so fast down the middle of street, my neighbors must think I’m crazy.”
After spending Sunday morning with my parents, Dad drives us both back to the train station and take the 1:10 train back to the city. It’s about a two-hour ride on the train on the weekends. When I get home, I want to relax, but I need to get my laundry done before I start the work week again.
Through the music on my headphones, I hear the conductor on the loudspeaker saying that Union Station is the last and final stop. We round the corner as the train heads towards the station. I look out the window and again I feel the excitement as I see all the familiar skyscrapers that I love so much.
David and I wait for passengers ahead of us to gather their things before we can get off. We get off the train and drag our heavy overnight bags to the Brown Line station a few blocks away. Although it’s starting to get dark, I push away my nerves. I am feeling happy to be back here! Just like being at my parents’ house, I feel like I’m going home. I’m determined to make my life here succeed. I’m going to start having fun, and I’m never going to regret moving to the city again.
Five
I spring out of bed as soon as my alarm goes off. It’s Monday morning. I’m ready for work ten minutes before I need to leave for the train. Going home has helped me feel so much better. Deep down I knew that I made the right choice moving here. Sometimes you just need a different perspective. I’m determined to keep a positive attitude and get over my fears of being alone in the city. There is so much I want to see and do like exploring the different neighborhoods, eating at the newest restaurants, and learning about the history of this amazing city. I look forward to doing the little things, too, such as sipping coffee in a cozy neighborhood coffee shop or enjoying a fancy cocktail in a trendy bar. The support from my parents, my brother, and my friends really helps my confidence, and I’m grateful to them for that.
A Girl's Guide to Chicago Page 4
