by LYNN, K. C.
“When do classes start for you?” Jaxson asks, while picking up our garbage from supper.
I brush off the crumbs from our blanket, “Three weeks. I just purchased my text books.” I’m attending college in Charleston to get my teaching degree. “I’m not really looking forward to four more years of school but I’m hoping the elementary school will have a position for me when I’m done.”
Jaxson walks over and sits back down beside me. “You’re gonna be a good teacher Jules.”
“Thanks,” I say giving him a smile. “So tell me what all this training is going to entail for you?”
He looks at me doubtfully, “You really want to hear about it?”
“Of course I do.” I scoot closer to him and get into our familiar position of me wrapping both my arms around his one and lean back on the log behind us. We stare out at the sun that’s just starting to set.
“Well BUD/S, which stands for Basic Under Water Demolition/SEAL, is a 6 month process with different stages. The first 8 weeks are the toughest on recruits, both mentally and physically, or so I hear. They call it ‘hell week’. They put us through a lot of shit to see how much our mind and body can endure. I’ve heard a lot of people drop out before the 8 weeks are finished because they can’t handle it.” Jaxson stops explaining when he looks over and sees my horrified expression, “Ok, that’s enough info for you!” he says chuckling.
I stare at him like he’s crazy, “What if something happens to you?”
“Jules I’m in training, they’re not going to try and kill us. They’re just gonna make us we wish we were dead,” he laughs at this while my stomach clenches and my throat tightens.
“It’s not funny Jaxson,” I say quietly.
He puts his arm around me, “Hey, I’ll be fine, I can handle it Jules. Nothing is going to happen to me, I promise.”
We’re both staring at each other now; we’re so close that I can feel his breath on my face. It wouldn’t take much to have our lips touch. I see him stare at my mouth and I wonder if I should make my move now. But then he looks away and the moment is gone. Darn! It’s kind of awkward so I decide now is a good time to give him his present.
“I have something for you,” I sit up and start digging in my purse.
“What? Why the hell did you get me something? I don’t need anything Julia.” I know he doesn’t like receiving presents, but I don’t care.
“Stop your grumbling, it’s nothing big. It’s important to me for you to have this.” I turn back to him and hand him the small wrapped present. He looks at me annoyed and then starts unwrapping it. When he gets to the small jewelry box he stares at it uncomfortably.
“Don’t worry, it’s not an engagement ring,” I say teasingly. Jaxson grins while opening the box. He looks confused at the stainless steel chain with the medal pendant, I can tell he’s wondering what it is, so I explain: “It’s a medallion of Archangel Michael, it’s for protection. I had Father Gabriel bless it for you. Promise me you will always wear it Jaxson, no matter what you’re doing, or where you are, you’ll always have it with you.” He’s staring at me with an emotion I can’t decipher and I start feeling unsure, thinking he might not like it.
“How much was this?” he asks suspiciously.
I roll my eyes, “Not much I swear. I already had the pendant, I just bought the chain.”
He looks back down at the necklace, “The pendant was yours?”
I take a deep breath knowing he’s not going to like what I say next: “Ya, my mom gave it to me.”
He drops the necklace back in my hand so fast I barely have time to register it before he shouts, “Fuck that Julia! I’m not taking something your mom gave to you.”
I expected this. “Stop! It’s my pendant and I will do what I want. I have many things from my mother Jaxson. I know she would be happy that I’m giving this to you.” I shift now so I’m sitting right in front of him. His ice blue eyes are burning with frustration and I’m worried he’s not going to accept it. “Please take it Jax, you need it more than I do. It gives me comfort knowing you’ll have it.”
He rests his forehead on mine then lets out a breath, “Damn it Julia!”
I’m not sure what that means but I place the necklace back in his hand and close it into a fist. I look up at him and with our lips so close I know now is my chance. So before I chicken out I tentatively place my lips on his and give him a gentle kiss. His eyes widen in shock, but he doesn’t pull away. I take this as a good sign and brush my lips against his again, more firmly this time.
“Julia,” he growls out warningly against my lips, “ah fuck it!” He grabs the back of my head, crushing his mouth to mine, and kisses me with an intensity that steals my breath.
Oh god!
Jaxson thrusts his tongue in my mouth and I become completely intoxicated with his erotic taste, it’s a taste I want in my mouth forever. His big hands encircle my hips and lift me so I’m straddling him. I wrap my arms around his neck and eagerly thread my fingers in his soft, messy hair while we kiss each other with greedy desperation. His warm hands run up my bare thighs to the bottom of my skirt, playing against the lace. He groans with a primal need as he slips them under and grabs my ass. I moan and move frantically against him, feeling like I can’t get close enough. Suddenly he flips us over smoothly, without breaking contact with my mouth. A whimper escapes me when I feel how hard he is between my legs. His rough jeans rub against my smooth satin panties, spiking my slow burning need to full intensity. I raise my hips, craving to feel more of him.
“Jesus Christ, you taste fucking incredible,” he mumbles against my lips before he tears his mouth from mine, moving to my neck. I suck in lungfuls of much needed air as his soft lips travel down my neck, nipping and tasting my skin. He grasps the straps of my tank top sliding them down my arms, then pushes my shirt to my hips. His eyes ignite as he stares at my hot pink satin bra, and his fierce expression has me aching desperately for his touch.
“Touch me,” I plead, with a whisper.
He growls, “Oh baby, don’t worry I fucking plan on it.” I shiver from his erotic promise. Sliding his hand up my stomach, he grazes over one breast before flicking the front clasp of my bra. My cups fall open baring me to his stare, the warm ocean breeze triggering yet another erotic sensation to my aroused body.
Jaxson hisses in a breath, “Jesus, I knew you’d be beautiful.” Leaning down he closes his hot wet mouth over my hard aching nipple and groans.
I gasp as the sensation hits me right between my legs. “Jaxson,” I arch up to give him more of me while his hand cups my other breast, pinching and rolling my nipple between his fingers roughly. He gives just enough pressure that it’s almost painful yet feels so good that the pulse between my legs becomes agonizing. I reach down and start tugging at his shirt.
“Please, I want to touch you too,” I plead desperately.
He sits up swiftly, pulling off his shirt, we both groan when his hot skin collides with mine. “Holy fuck, you have the softest skin I’ve ever felt.”
Jaxson’s back ripples and flexes under my touch as I hold him desperately close; I’m scared if I don’t then this won’t be real. He moves his hand down between our bodies and I gasp when he gently runs one finger down the center of my panties.
“Christ Julia, you’re so wet,” he groans out. He pushes my panties to the side and runs his finger through my wet slit then freezes, “Oh fuck! You’re bare?” he asks, sounding surprised that I’m waxed. I start to feel unsure of myself until I realize he likes it. “Jesus, I might actually die from this,” he mutters under his breath.
I cry out when he starts circling my clit skillfully with his finger. “Oh god!!”
“I can’t fucking wait to make you come Julia.”
I whimper from his erotic words and feel myself getting close. I know I’m going to explode any second but suddenly he moves his finger away.
“No please don’t stop!” He reassures me by sticking first one finger inside
me then follows quickly with another. I cry out and clamp my legs around his arm, trapping his hand inside of me.
“Easy Julia, let me in, trust me I’m gonna take care of you.” He pushes my legs apart from his arm and starts pumping his fingers in and out. “Fuck baby! You’re so hot, so tight!” his rough voice in my ear adds to the sensations that are over-taking my body. My need becomes so strong that I hold his arm while riding his hand, begging for release. He starts flicking his thumb over my clit while his fingers move faster inside me. I shut my eyes feeling so close…
“Open your eyes Julia, I wanna see you when you come.” I open my eyes and feel consumed by his possessive gaze. “Let go baby, I’ve got you.”
He presses down on my clit and that’s all it takes, my body becomes overwhelmed with sensations as my orgasm slams into me. I keep my eyes trained on Jaxson’s until the pleasure is too much and they close on their own accord. Jaxson’s fingers keep their momentum, drawing out every bit of pleasure from me, till I’m soft and limp.
Smiling I open my eyes and slowly become aware of my surroundings. Jaxson stares down at me with an emotion that holds affection and vulnerability.
Before I lose the chance I reach up and trace my finger across his lips and softly whisper… “I love you Jaxson.”
I feel his whole body tense and the tender expression that was just on his face is replaced with one of shocked horror.
Uh oh! Anxiety spikes, making my heart start to pound. Jaxson doesn’t move, it’s as if he’s frozen in place.
“Say something…” I choke out softly. He quickly stands up, my voice snapping him out of his shock.
“Shit, shit, shit. What the fuck am I doing? Shit,” he mutters while frantically pacing.
Ok, not exactly what I wanted to hear. Feeling cold and completely exposed now I quickly put my bra and shirt back into place. I sit with my arms wrapped around my knees waiting for him to start talking to me instead of himself.
Finally after what seems like forever, but in actuality was probably only a few minutes, he turns to me with an expression full of regret. Ouch!
“Jules I’m so goddamn sorry, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I got carried away.” I stare at him in complete astonishment.
“Really Jaxson? That’s what you have to say about what just happened? What exactly are you sorry for?” I feel my blood start to heat back up but for a whole different reason than it was 10 minutes ago.
“What we just did Jules, it shouldn’t have happened,” he drops his head to his hands, “Fuck I can’t believe I did this.”
“Well you know what Jaxson? I think what just happened was pretty amazing and I’m not sorry. Do you not recall it was me who kissed you first?”
“Listen Julia, our emotions are all over the place right now. I should have stopped…”
“…Do you really think I just told you I loved you because my emotions are all over the place? Seriously!?” He’s looking unsure now, seeing how angry I am.
He’s still shirtless and I hate myself for thinking how sexy he looks right now. He takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair. “Julia I know you care about me…”
“No Jaxson I told you I love you, there’s a big difference!”
“You don’t love me Julia. My leaving is screwing with our heads.”
That’s the final straw for me: “Don’t you dare tell me, Jaxson, what I feel. If you think I said ‘I love you’ just because you had your fingers inside me, well, think again mister! Clearly you don’t know me as well as I thought you did.” My heart breaks and I realize that it’s true- he should know me better than to think I would just spout those words and not mean them.
“Damn it Julia, listen, you may think that you love me… “
“Don’t fucking patronize me!” I can tell my screaming and choice of language has surprised him. “UGH!” I start packing up the blanket, realizing this was a mistake, “I’ve been in love with you since I was 17 years old but I’ve kept it to myself because I didn’t want to mess up our friendship.” I turn to him: “Are you really that disgusted with me Jaxson?”
I can tell my question pisses him off, “Watch it Julia, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“Oh really, I don’t? Then tell me why you have screwed almost every girl in this town and act like it’s no big deal but then you touch me and you have so much regret and disgust on your face it looks like it might kill you?” I know the pain I’m feeling has crept into my voice now.
“I do not feel disgust! You’re different than everyone else!”
“Ya, I got that I’m different,” I choke out.
I turn and start walking away when he charges after me grabbing my arm, he spins me around to face him, “Oh for fuck-sakes! I didn’t mean it like that! This is about me Julia, not you. I’m too fucked up to love you,” he says brokenly, “why tell me now, huh? Why the fuck would you tell me the night before I have to leave?”
I try to swallow past the lump in my throat, “Because I didn’t know if or when I would ever see you again and I knew I’d always regret it if something happened to you and you never knew how much I loved you.” I’m too tired to stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. There’s so much pain in his eyes after I say this that I cry harder.
“I’m sorry Jul…”
I rip my arm out of his grasp, “Jaxson if you say ‘sorry’ one more time I swear to God I’m going to hit you!” I sigh frustrated, “whatever, I just wanna go home.”
I turn and start walking to the car with the blanket under my arm. I hear him swear and shuffle around grabbing his shirt, then he’s following behind me.
I stare out my window while we ride home in silence. So many feelings consume me: hurt, anger and, most of all, fear. I’m so scared that we won’t be able to fix this and I’ll lose him forever.
We pull up to my house and both get out of the car. Before I can think of what to say, he says: “Remember Julia if you need anything, go to Cooper.”
I stare at him, trying to see what he’s feeling but his eyes are cold and distant, he’s completely closed himself off to me. I can’t believe after everything we’ve been through together that’s all he’s going to say. I shake my head sadly, “I don’t need a damn babysitter, I can take care of myself. Goodbye Jaxson.”
At that I turn and run into the house before I completely lose myself in front of him. As soon as I close the door behind me, I fall against it and shatter, knowing I just lost the one person that will hold my heart forever.
I watch the one person that means the most to me in the entire fucking world run out of my life. And I don’t stop her, because I know in the end it’s for the best.
“Jesus, what the fuck just happened?” You lost control and fucked up, that’s what happened.
I can’t believe I fucking did this. I run my hand through my hair in frustration and get a trace of her scent from my fingers. The memory of her tight hot pussy contracting around my fingers will haunt me for the rest of my life.
‘I love you Jaxson.’ It’s the first time anyone has said those words to me and it makes my chest hurt so fucking bad that I want to rip my goddamn heart out so I don’t feel it.
I want to go in after her and tell her just how much she means to me but I know in the end it still won’t change why we can’t be together. I wish things were different, I wish I had different blood running through my veins, I wish I was good enough. I look up at her house one last time before I get on my bike.
My throat feels so tight I can’t swallow. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is happening to me! I haven’t cried since I was 7 years old and I swore I never would again. But that’s what Julia does to me, what she has always done to me, makes me feel shit I never thought I’d feel again.
Pissed at myself now for being weak, I start the bike up and take off.
I wake up to my phone ringing and moan, feeling like I have been hit by a truck. I squint with my red puffy eyes at my scree
n and see Kayla’s number. Oh god, what time is it? Checking my clock next to me I see it’s 7:40 am. Shit! The ferry leaves in 20 minutes. I shoot out of bed and take a quick peek in the mirror. Yup, I also look like I’ve been hit by a truck. Darn. I don’t have time to make myself presentable so I quickly throw my hair up in a high messy bun, throw a cardigan over my black booty shorts and matching tank that I wore to bed. I forgo a bra knowing there’s not enough time to put one on. I grab a pair of the biggest sunglasses I own to hide my puffy blood-shot eyes and bound down the stairs. As I’m putting my flip-flops on Grams peeks in from the kitchen.
“Julia, are you okay? Where are you going so early?”
“I don’t have time to explain right now Grams but I need to see Jaxson before he leaves. I have to make things right.” I feel bad running out the door when she’s calling my name but I’m so scared I’m not going to make it in time, so I don’t stop.
I drive as fast as I dare, praying I don’t get pulled over and arrive 5 minutes later at the harbor. I almost forget to shut the car door in my haste. There’s a small crowd gathered on the dock waiting to board the ferry. I spot Jaxson right away and see he’s about to walk on. Shit! The dock is long and I’m quite a distance away.
“JAXSON!” I scream his name and start running faster than I ever thought possible. He seems so far away and I’m crying so hard, praying he hears me. After the third time of screaming his name he finally hears me, he stops and turns around to see me charging at him. He looks stunned for a minute but then drops his bag and starts striding towards me. When I reach him I jump and throw myself at him. My arms wrap around his neck and my legs around his waist.
“I’m so sorry, please forgive me. I don’t care if you don’t love me back, I swear I don’t. I can’t lose you Jaxson, I need you in my life. Please don’t leave hating me.” I don’t know how I manage to get all those words out through my broken sobs but I do.
Jaxson puts me down and cradles my face in his hands. When I look up I see his eyes are brimmed red with unshed tears. He rests his forehead on mine, “I could never hate you Jules. You mean more to me than anyone else in my life. If I had it in me to love someone, it would be you,” his voice cracks and I grab him, sobbing hysterically in his chest.
