by LYNN, K. C.
Jaxson looks up at me and whispers: “You know what my biggest regret is from that night Julia?”
I stiffen, feeling fear when he says this, not wanting to hear the word ‘regret’ from his mouth. That’s until he says, “I regret not tasting you.” When he plants a soft kiss on top of my panties I start to feel trepidation.
“I smelled your sweet scent on my fingers that entire night when I got home and hated myself for not taking the chance I had to taste this.” He splays his hand on top of my panties, his eyes rage with an intensity that causes a shiver of arousal and apprehension through me.
“Tell me Julia,” he whispers hoarsely, “are you still bare?” He rubs his thumb up and down the middle of my panties skimming the spot that sends slight tremors through my body. My face flames from his question, embarrassing me, but it also turns me on when he talks like this to me.
I nod, worried my voice will portray my nervousness.
“That’s so fucking hot,” then he brings his nose against me taking a deep breath in. “You smell even better than I remember,” he groans sliding my panties off kissing while the inside of my thigh.
Getting to his feet Jaxson stands and stares down at my naked body. Feeling a little too exposed I go to close my legs but he grabs my knees stopping me. “Julia baby, I need you to stay right where you are. Don’t move, I need to commit this image to memory because you are the most beautiful fucking sight I have ever seen,” his voice is low and rough with arousal. Swallowing nervously I do as he asks and let him look.
After a few more seconds he groans then drops to his knees again. I stiffen when he starts trailing his tongue towards my center. I lean up on my elbows, staring at his head. The pulse between my legs is agonizing but I’m still feeling apprehensive about him doing this to me.
“Jaxson, I’m not so sure about this,” I say wearily. He looks at me now with his lips so close to my most sensitive part.
“Trust me Julia, you’re going to like this, and so am I,” then he places my legs over each of his shoulders.
My thoughts and hesitation vanish when he glides his tongue through me, “Ohhh!!” my arms give out and I drop to my back, my hips involuntarily lift to his mouth. Greedily seeking a pleasure I’ve never known. He splays his hand on my lower stomach holding my hips in place while his mouth devours me. His tongue is wet and warm and moves in me skillfully, knowing exactly where to lick.
“Jesus, you taste fucking incredible,” Jaxson’s growl brings me closer to the edge. Tangling my hands in his hair I pull it roughly, begging for something I don’t quite understand. My breathing increases as one sensation collides with the next. His tongue exerts pressure on my clit and I know I’m going to explode any second.
“Oh god, Jaxson, I think I’m going to come,” I whimper.
He groans right over my clit and that was all it took to send me crashing over the edge. Lights explode behind my eyes as sweet ecstasy fills my entire body. Somewhere, in the midst of all the sensations tearing through me, I realize I’m screaming incoherently, my voice becoming hoarse from it but I’m too lost in it all to care. When I slowly come back to reality, my breathing is harsh and my body is limp with pleasure. I open my eyes and see Jaxson undoing his belt, muttering things to himself I can’t quite catch.
I start to feel embarrassed, thinking how loud I was, “I hope the people next door didn’t hear that,” I say blushing.
Jaxson’s hot gaze snaps to mine: “Christ Julia, I’m pretty sure the whole fucking hotel heard you.”
I cover my face with my hands and groan from humiliation.
Jaxson grabs my wrists pulling my hands away and looks at me fiercely: “Don’t Julia! Don’t be embarrassed, not with me. It was so damn hot I almost came in my fucking pants.”
I look at him in surprise and give him a small smile. When I trace my fingers along his lips he grabs my hand and presses a tender kiss on the inside of my wrist. Amongst the stark hunger in his gaze there’s also affection.
I look at the condom in his hand, the reality of what we are about to do sets in and I start feeling fear. Not from giving myself to him, but of losing him. Concern darkens his expression, “What’s wrong baby? You change your mind?”
Relief flickers in his eyes when I shake my head.
I try to swallow past the lump in my throat. “Promise me Jaxson, that after this, no matter what happens, you’ll still be my friend,” my voice cracks and I close my eyes not wanting him to see the pain and fear that I’m sure is in my gaze.
“Look at me Julia!” his harsh demand has my eyes snapping open. An intense emotion has transformed his face, “I may not be able to give you the forever you deserve but I fucking promise you, I will never stop being your friend.” He kisses me hard and I wrap my arms around his neck, pouring everything I feel for him in the kiss.
Lifting his mouth from mine he trails kisses to my ear and whispers: “Are you ready baby?”
“Yes,” I say softly but with certainty.
When he stands up I scoot back to the middle of the bed and suck in a startled breath, watching as he sheathes himself with the condom. Oh my god!! Is that size normal? I’ve never really seen one before but that seems awfully big. I swallow, feeling fear now for what’s about to happen.
“Baby, I gotta tell you, seeing your horrified expression while staring at my dick is not good for my ego,” he says with a smirk. I know that my expression does nothing to his ego, he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
I clear my throat, “Um Jax? I don’t think this is going to work. I don’t think you’ll fit,” my face flames while my body spikes with anxiety.
The smirk on his face vanishes and a look of seriousness passes over it. He lays over me, leaning on his elbows and I feel his erection on the inside of my thigh.
“It’ll fit!” he says with certainty, “I’ll go slow, but you have to know Julia, it’s going to hurt.” I can tell it bothers him knowing I’ll feel pain and I don’t want him to change his mind. So with a big breath I nod and give him a shaky smile. Grabbing the back of his neck I bring his lips down to mine. He kisses me back aggressively, making me forget my fear.
Rising up he slowly slides the tip of himself inside me and lets out a tortured groan. Although it’s tight and uncomfortable, I think ‘ok this isn’t so bad, I can handle this’. But then I suck in a harsh breath when he slides in another inch- holy shit, OUCH!!! I reach up, wrapping my arms around him, burying my face in his neck.
“Breathe baby, relax a bit Julia,” he pushes at my knees that have a tight grip on his hips, stopping him from going further.
I shake my head not knowing what to do. This hurts so much more than I thought it would and I knew it would hurt.
“Fuck,” he breathes out harshly. His body is tense and he looks down at me with indecision, “Do you trust me Julia?”
“Yes,” I say without any hesitation.
“Hold on to me baby, I’m going to get this over with before it kills us both.” I wrap my arms around his shoulders and before I can ask what he’s going to do he slams himself inside of me, stilling.
“AHHHH!” I scream, a blinding white hot pain explodes behind my eyes and I feel like I’ve just been split in two. I try breathing through the agony when I hear Jaxson groan in pleasure and it makes me wanna hit him.
“God Jaxson,” I whisper painfully.
“I’m sorry baby, I’m so fucking sorry,” he chokes out, kissing my shoulder and my neck. I look into his eyes and see an expression filled with guilt, which quickly snaps me out of my pained state.
“It’s ok,” I lie softly. I lean up kissing his lips and lift my hips trying to reassure him. That’s when I realize I feel more discomfort than pain.
“Are you sure,” he asks breathing harshly.
“Yes, just go slow.”
Straightening his arms he raises himself above me and starts to rock slowly back and forth. I stay still the first few strokes, feeling uncomfortable and tender. But the more
he moves inside me the better it feels and I start feeling a different sensation, one that makes me move my hips to meet his.
“Yes baby that’s it, does it feel better?”
I nod, staring into his ice blue eyes that are filled with an emotion I can’t quite name. One that makes me feel desired and cherished. One that makes me want to tell him I love him, but I don’t, because I know better. Instead I raise my hand and place it over his pounding heart, “I love feeling you inside me of me.”
He groans and leans his forehead against mine while he continues to move inside of me, “You feel fucking incredible Julia, I’ve never felt anything more perfect than you.”
We’ve always had a strong connection, one that I’ll never share with anyone else. But this is more, this is deeper, because right now at this moment we are one. Our bodies were the only way we hadn’t connected and now that we have, I fear he will not only own my heart but also my soul.
I watch Jaxson shake with restraint as he moves in me slowly. “I want more of you,” I wrap one of my legs around him which brings him deeper than I thought was possible.
“Shit,” he groans harshly, clenching his jaw. Then he raises back up on his arms and starts thrusting a littler harder and faster. I run my hands all over him, anywhere I can reach, loving the way his hard body flexes as he moves inside of me.
He reaches his hand in between our thrusting bodies and starts rubbing my clit. I whimper and snap my surprised gaze to his.
“I want you to come again Julia, I need to feel you come around my cock.” My breathing increases when his thumb moves faster and I’m shocked I’m about to come again. He quickens his thrusts then presses down on my clit which sends me over the edge.
“Fuck yes, me too baby,” he groans then stills, coming inside me.
Leaning most of his weight on me, I wrap myself around him and kiss his neck. We hold each other trying to catch our breaths, our hearts beating together as if one. I turn my lips to his ear, “Thank you.”
Lifting his head, he rests his forehead on mine, his expression raw and vulnerable. He stares at me like he wants to say something but then thinks better of it, “I’m really glad you came today Julia.”
Well it wasn’t ‘I love you’ but I knew that it wouldn’t be. Giving him a simple smile I try not to let my emotions get the better of me, “Me too.”
I instantly miss the connection when he pulls out of me. As he makes his way to the bathroom I put my panties back on then grab his shirt from the floor, throwing it over my head. Hoping he gets the hint that I want him to stay.
When he closes the door to the bathroom I quickly bend down and grab his wallet out of his jeans. I look to the door nervously but hear water running so I know I have some time. I flip open his wallet and staring up at me is a picture of myself that I’ve never seen before, but I remember the day:
I’m waiting for Jaxson at our spot on the beach. My long cream beach-dress rests high on my thighs as my arms are wrapped around my knees. I remember feeling the cool water rush over my feet. My face is turned up to the sky, basking in the warmth of the sun, it causes my long hair to flow in loose waves down my back. The sun shining down on me gives me an ethereal glow. I swallow thickly, amazed that the beautiful girl in this picture is me.
“If you needed money Julia, you should have just asked.”
I gasp, Jaxson’s voice startling me out of my memory. Crap! I was so caught up in the picture that I forgot I shouldn’t be doing this. I look over at him anxiously, he’s standing in the doorway in his boxer-briefs as he stares at the picture in my hands. He doesn’t seem all that mad, just… embarrassed maybe?
“How did you take this?”
He clears his throat nervously, “With my phone.”
I stare back down at it, “I look beautiful,” I whisper with surprise.
“That’s how you always look to me.”
My gaze snaps back to his, surprised by his admission. My eyes roam down his naked chest, taking in every sexy inch of him. Jaxson’s body is nothing short of perfection, the man looks like he was carved from stone. The black ink that’s woven up his cut arms make him look like heaven and sin wrapped in one package.
“I think you’re beautiful.”
He scoffs, “I am not beautiful Julia… sexy maybe, but not beautiful.” He smirks at me now lightening the moment and I can’t help but giggle.
Putting the picture back to its place in his wallet I get up and slowly walk over to him. His gaze heats as his eyes devour my body that’s only covered by his shirt. Standing on my tip-toes I wrap my arms around his neck. His hands go to my ass pulling me against him.
Burying my nose in his neck I breath in his delicious scent, “Mmm you are sexy… and beautiful,” I plant soft kisses along his throat and across his strong jaw.
When I nip his ear lobe he groans harshly picking me up by my ass. “You keep that shit up Julia I’ll forget how sore you are and we’ll go for round two,” he chokes roughly walking us back to the bed.
“Promise?”
He slaps my ass playfully, “Behave yourself woman!”
I laugh as he lays us down on the bed, with him on top. Suddenly an emotion crosses over his face, one I can’t make out. “What?”
He shakes his head, “Nothing, I just… I love your laugh and I really miss hearing it.”
His words send my heart into a tail spin. I reach up and cup his jaw, “I really miss you.”
He leans down and presses a soft kiss to my forehead. When he pulls away I look at him nervously, “Are you going to stay the night?”
My heart sinks when he stiffens, but he relaxes quickly, “Do you want me to?”
I contemplate lying, saying I don’t care, not wanting to sound needy but then decide with the truth: “Yes I want you to stay with me, all night.” He nods and I relax, letting out a relieved breath.
He continues to watch me, “What, did you think I would say no?”
I shrug, “I was hoping you’d say yes.”
“Don’t you know by now Julia that I’d give you anything you wanted if I could?”
I wish I had the courage to confess that all I want is him, completely and in every way, but I’m too scared after the rejection last time. Before I can say anything he moves off me so we can get under the covers. I shift towards the other side of the bed but he surprises me again by pulling me flush against him.
He stares at me with affection but also vulnerability. I can tell things are turning too intense for him so I change the subject, “I really liked meeting your friends today. Sawyer and Cade both seem nice.”
“Sawyer needs a good ass kicking which he’s gonna get when I get back tomorrow,” he says annoyed.
“What’s Cade’s story?”
“What do you mean?”
I shrug, “I don’t know, he comes off scary and intimidating but he seems vulnerable somehow.” Jaxson grunts at this and I know it’s because he thinks I’m being ridiculous. I continue cautiously, “There’s a pain in his eyes Jaxson, the same one I see in yours sometimes. I can tell he has a past and I just wondered what it was.”
I start feeling bad for asking and think I shouldn’t have said anything but then he surprises me by answering, “I don’t know much, he and Sawyer are best friends, they enlisted together. I guess he had a sister who died when he was younger. I don’t know the story. It’s something he doesn’t talk about. Sawyer says it was really fucking bad though. I don’t ask Cade about it because I know what it’s like to not want to talk about shit,” he shrugs and I can tell he feels uncomfortable now.
“Sorry I shouldn’t have asked, I just feel bad for him. It seems like he’s in the background a lot and I’m sure it gets lonely.”
He grunts again, “He’s not lonely Jules, trust me. He likes being on his own and the three of us hang out on our free time.” I don’t say anything back because I disagree. Who would like being alone all the time?
“I can tell he liked you too and that’s s
aying something because he doesn’t like many people.” I smile, happy to hear that.
I feel content being curled up next to Jaxson’s warm body, hearing his steady heartbeat under me while his fingers drag across my lower back. Being with him like this feels so… right. It’s the most peace I’ve felt since my mom passed away and I wish it could be like this forever.
Feeling sleepy I notice Jaxson’s hand is still and his breathing has become slow and even. Glancing up I see he’s sound asleep. I watch him for a moment, loving how peaceful he looks. Reaching up I brush a gentle kiss on his mouth. Then I whisper the words I dared not to say when he was awake: “I love you Jaxson,” I lay my head back down on his chest. As I drift off a dream hits me fast- one where he whispers the same words back to me.
I startle awake when the pilot announces our descent. I must have dozed off while thinking back to Jaxson’s graduation and the night I lost my virginity. That was the best night of my life; it was also the last time I saw Jaxson. We kept in touch with email and phone calls but neither of us could get away to see each other. He was sent out on missions shortly after that night and it seems he’s stayed gone since. Sometimes I think he’s avoided me because obviously our relationship did change that night, no matter how much we hoped it wouldn’t. Although, I think it changed the night I told him I loved him. He calls me at least once or twice a month and I send him packages of baked goods which he said Sawyer and Cade also enjoy.
I smile, thinking how crazy it is- the three of them getting to be a part of the same Seal team. Then my heart pinches wondering if they’re the other two who were with Jaxson. I feel like it’s a safe bet to assume they were.
Please let them all be ok.
As I’m walking off the plane the elderly gentleman who was sitting next to me puts his hand on my shoulder, halting me.
“Good luck with your friend miss.”
I give him a kind smile, “Thank you.”
I bypass the luggage since I only brought my carry-on. I didn’t know how long I would be here and figured I would buy things if needed.
Hailing a taxi I have the driver take me right to the hospital instead of my hotel first. I’m too anxious to wait any longer to see Jaxson; I need to know he’s alright.
