by LYNN, K. C.
I’m pregnant. I put my hand to my stomach, warmth spreading through my body.
“The last time we spoke you were not sexually active. Obviously that has changed?”
I smile softly, “Yes. It’s very new, but he’s someone I’ve known for a long time. Someone that I’ve been in love with for a long time.”
She smiles, “That’s good to hear. I know how much it hurt you when I told you about your condition. We will send you for an ultra-sound so we can determine a due date but for it to show up on the test, I’d say it must have happened right at the beginning.”
She writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. “This is the name of some prenatal vitamins you can pick up. My office will call you with a date for the ultra-sound.” She puts her hand tenderly on my shoulder, “I’m happy this happened for you Julia.”
Emotion clogs my throat, “Me too.”
And I was. For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mother and when I thought it would never happen for me it broke my heart. Finding out I am going to have the baby I’ve always wanted, but also for it to be Jaxson’s…
Oh god, Jaxson.
I walk into Big Mike’s Gym to meet up with Cade and Sawyer. We set up a meeting with Mike to talk business. The more I’ve thought about buying into this gym the more I want to do it. Sawyer, Cade and I have come up with some pretty cool shit that we want to do with the place.
And if I was being honest I liked the idea they were going to be sticking around. Ya Sawyer can drive me fucking nuts, especially when he’s fucking with me about Julia. But other than Cooper, these guys are like the brothers I never had. We have been to hell and back together, literally…
“Hey man, where’s Julia?” Sawyer asks cutting my thoughts off. He and Cade walk over from the sparring ring.
“She has a doctor’s appointment then she’s meeting with Kayla to talk wedding shit. Cooper said he would bring her home after.”
“How’s she doing?” Cade asks.
I shrug, “Better I guess. She found out the other day she got the job she’s been wanting at the elementary school so that’s seemed to bring her spirits up.”
“So are we going to deal with the fucker or what?” Sawyer asks seriously.
I let out a breath and run my hands through my hair, “Ya, we are. I just need to decide how I want to handle him. I don’t want to make shit hard for Coop.”
“Just let us know when you have it figured out,” Cade says.
I nod, “I will.”
Big Mike sticks his head out of his office with a big grin, “Come on in boys, let’s talk business.”
Two hours later, agreements were made and things were set in motion for us to take over the gym. Normally the thought of a commitment like this would have me freaking the fuck out, but it actually feels good, real good. And I can’t wait to see Julia’s face when I tell her.
Anxiety has my heart racing the whole drive home.
“Everything alright Julia? You seem quiet,” Copper asks glancing at me in concern.
Kayla looks over at me sympathetically. I wanted to tell Jaxson before anyone else but Kayla knew right away something was wrong. So I cracked and told her; I’m thankful I did. She was extremely happy for me, and shared in my excitement but I know she’s also nervous about Jaxson’s reaction.
I paste a big fake smile on my face, “Ya I’m fine. I’m just tired is all,” I can tell Coop doesn’t believe me but thankfully he lets it go.
Kayla reaches over inconspicuously grabbing my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. I let out a heavy breath and give her a small smile. Maybe I’m worrying over nothing. I know Jaxson said having kids was something he never wanted, but a lot has changed since then. And there’s been a new peace over us since that night after his nightmare, the night he finally opened up to me. He told me he wanted me forever, surely that has to mean something?
My thoughts get cut off abruptly when Cooper pulls into my driveway. “Thanks for the ride Cooper.”
“No problem.”
I turn to Kayla and give her a hug, “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, I can’t wait to go dress shopping.”
“Me too,” she says brightly, then she lowers her voice, “call me if you need me.”
I nod and give her a small smile. As soon as I get out of the truck Jaxson walks out of the house to greet me. He waves at Coop as he pulls away.
“Hey beautiful,” he pulls me against him, my arms go around his neck and his hands go to my ass. His scent envelopes me and my anxiety eases when he gives me the most delicious kiss.
I moan, “Well hello to you too,” I whisper against his lips.
“How was your appointment? What did the doctor say?”
And there it is, my anxiety back full force. Jaxson picks up on it immediately, “Jules, baby, everything okay?”
I take a deep breath and nod my head, “Ya but can we go inside and talk?”
He nods, his expression getting more concerned by the second. I grab his hand and walk into the house, leading him to the couch in the living room. My heart is pounding so loudly I’m sure Jaxson can hear it too. I sit next to him and turn to face him. My knee is bouncing wildly up and down from nerves. Jaxson pulls my hand away from my mouth and I realize I’m chewing my nails.
“Jules, you’re freaking me the fuck out. What’s going on? Did the doctor give you bad news? Are you sick?”
I shake my head, and let out a deep breath, “Umm no it’s nothing like that. Um, well, umm,” I let out another heavy breath, “I’m pregnant.”
Jaxson doesn’t move, doesn’t even blink. He just stares at me, his eyes going flat.
Uh oh.
“What did you just say?” he chokes out.
“I’m pregnant,” I whisper nervously.
He shoots off the couch and starts pacing frantically, running his hand through his hair repeatedly. “How the fuck did this happen?”
I assume that was a rhetorical question, so I don’t answer.
“I thought you couldn’t get pregnant?”
“I did too. It turns out that my case is very unusual, but it has happened and I’m one of the lucky ones.”
He stops pacing and stares at me in shock and outrage, “Lucky!? Julia, there’s nothing fucking lucky about this. Fuck!” he screams and storms into the kitchen.
I get up and follow after him. His arms are braced on the counter, head down, his body vibrating with… well I’m not sure what. Anger? Fear? Probably both.
I walk up and lay my hand on his back, “I know this is a shock Jax, it was for me too, but everything will be okay. You’ll see.”
He moves, throwing my hand off him in the process and when he looks at me, my heart sinks into my stomach. He has so much anger in his eyes I’d swear he hates me right now.
I try to push aside my emotions, knowing that he’s scared.
“None of this is fucking okay Julia. None of it, not for you, not for me and especially not for the fucking kid. Do you not remember who my father is?”
And then it becomes perfectly clear, what he fears the most, being like his father.
“I remember all about your father and I’m glad I never had to meet him. But your father has nothing to do with this.” I walk up to him slowly and try to grab his hand, “You are nothing like your father Jaxson.” He moves his hand away before I can grab it, making it achingly clear he doesn’t want me to touch him.
“What the fuck are you talking about? I am exactly like my father, because that’s all I knew growing up. Why do you think I said I never fucking wanted kids? What part did you not understand?”
Anger starts mixing in with my hurt. “Jaxson, you’re acting as if I did this on purpose for god-sakes.”
“Did you!?”
I narrow my watery eyes, “Be careful Jaxson, because some things you can’t take back once they’re said. I am not a liar and you know it.” He clenches his jaw and glares back at me. Taking a deep breath I try to hold on to my co
ntrol and take a different tactic. “Listen, I know you’re in shock and probably a little scared,” he scoffs but I continue, not letting him interrupt me, “so am I, but I’m also really happy. I didn’t think this would ever happen to me. I thought I’d never get a chance to be a mother and the best part of all of this to me, is that it’s yours. We love each other Jaxson. We…
“Don’t put words into my mouth Julia.”
I flinch, his words slashing my heart like a cruel blade. And the first of many tears spills from my eyes. I try to take a deep breath but find I can’t because the pains too much, “Are you saying you don’t love me Jaxson? Huh? Is that what you’re saying?”
He completely loses it, “I’m telling you I don’t want the fucking baby! But you’re not fucking listening to me goddamn it!” He punches the fridge repeatedly then grabs my crystal vase full of flowers and throws it, smashing it against the wall. Glass reins everywhere, the loud shattering has my knees going weak with fear.
“Stop it! You’re scaring me!!” I scream sobbing through his violence.
He storms over and grabs my arms roughly, “Good, it’s about fucking time!” The rage in his eyes and his screaming is too much for me to bare. I close my eyes and cover my ears. “I’ve told you for a long time you should have stayed the fuck away but you didn’t listen, you kept trying to make yourself believe that…” his words die abruptly.
I’m shaking and sobbing, with my eyes still closed and hands over my ears, I take the chance at opening them and what I see staring back at me makes me cry harder: fear, panic and self-loathing.
“Jesus, I’m sorry. I have to get the fuck out of here,” he pushes away from me.
“No Jaxson, don’t leave. Please,” I beg through my sobs.
But it’s too late, he’s already headed out the door. I stand there frozen for a minute, trying to absorb what just happened. Then the pain is too much and I crumble to my knees. His words, ringing repeatedly in my head: ‘I don’t fucking want the baby’.
I don’t know how long I cried for, staring at the broken glass around me, but suddenly my front door slams. I look up, praying it’s Jaxson, but it’s Sawyer and Cade.
Sawyer sees the mess and comes running over to me, “Jesus Julia, what the fuck is going on? Are you alright?”
I shake my head no. Because it’s the truth, I’m not alright, not with all of us hurting so much. Especially Jaxson.
“Julia will you please tell me what the fuck is going on? Jaxson called us to come here for you, as soon as we showed up he tore out of here looking like shit, without any explanations…”
“He doesn’t want the baby,” I whisper. Saying the words out loud is torture, “I’m pregnant Sawyer, but he doesn’t want us.”
Sawyer expels a loud breath then wraps his arms around me. “Jesus Christ, that fucking dumb-ass mother-fuckin’ asshole.”
He holds me tight, and I let him, feeling like if he doesn’t I may fall to pieces, literally. “I thought he loved me,” I whisper through my sobs.
“Don’t think for one second that he doesn’t. He’s just a stupid dumb-ass who’s fucked in the head. But trust me Julia he does.”
“It’s true he does,” Cade adds.
I shake my head, not knowing what to believe anymore. I was so sure he did but seeing what I just saw, I’m not so sure anymore. Or maybe the sad truth is it doesn’t matter if he does, because maybe love isn’t enough.
“Listen, why don’t you take her upstairs. I’ll clean this up,” Cade says to Sawyer.
Sawyer helps me to my feet, “Come on,” he keeps his arm around me as he walks me upstairs, “do you want me to call someone? Kayla maybe?”
I shake my head, “No thank you, I’m just going to try and get some sleep. I need to be up early. Kayla and I are going dress shopping in the morning.” He nods looking at me in concern.
“I’m sorry you guys got roped into staying here with me,” I say feeling guilty.
He shakes his head, “I don’t mind being here Julia. I’m just sorry he’s being such an ass right now.”
I shrug, “I know he’s scared. I just…” I let out a shaky breath, “I love him so much Sawyer that it hurts, I don’t want to lose him.”
Sawyer wraps his arms around me again, “Just give him some time Julia, he just needs to get his head back on straight. But if I were you, I’d make the prick grovel his ass off when he does come back. And I know he will, sooner rather than later too.”
I can only pray he’s right.
After driving 4 hours through night I stopped at a motel just outside my destination and grabbed a few hours of sleep, or at least I tried to. But sleep proved impossible because anytime I closed my fucking eyes all I could see was her beautiful tear-streaked face, pale with fear, twisted with agony; her body shaking while her hands covered her ears to quiet my violence.
All because of me.
I swallow thickly and grind my teeth against the ache in my chest. The one thing that matters most to me in the whole goddamn world and I go and fuck it up. Who knew I could hate myself anymore than I already did.
So now it was the ass crack of dawn and I’m parked outside the one place I’ve been debating to visit since leaving the clinic… Anna’s. The last time I saw her was in the hospital. She had asked me to come visit her sometime. I’m not sure why last night, of all nights, I decided to finally come, but after I left the house I drove for hours in a daze and this is where it took me. She lives on a real nice street, big houses with huge lawns that are well taken care of. Parked on every driveway are vehicles that cost at least $80,000. Not surprising since her father is a heart surgeon.
I turn off the truck and drop my head back against the head rest. I’ll wait for at least another hour before I knock on the door, don’t want to wake anyone up, which sucks because it just gives me time to think.
‘I’m pregnant’.
Julia’s words ring in my head bringing on panic and fear again. Jesus Christ. How the fuck am I supposed to be a dad when my role model was an alcoholic who hated kids, especially his own. I doubt I’d be half as fucked up if my mom would have stuck around. But nope, she fucking left because she was better off without my worthless father, and I guess she figured she was better off without me too since she didn’t take me with her. I clench my jaw tighter trying to fight off the additional wave of pain that thought brought on.
Julia is the one person who’s always been there for me whenever I needed her. And what do I do when she needs me? I throw a fucking tantrum and bail on her. Ya I fucking hate myself so much right now that I want to punch my own self in the face.
My thoughts come to a halt when I see Anna’s mother step out in her robe to grab the paper. Well, here goes nothing. I open the truck door and start making my way to her. She straightens and looks nervously at me for a minute. Recognition and shock dawns in her eyes as I get closer.
“Oh my goodness, Jaxson?”
I nod and let out a nervous breath, “Hi Susan, sorry to drop by unexpected like this. I was passing through and I wanted to stop in to see how Anna was doing,” okay so I lied a little.
Smiling she walks up to me and gives me a hug, “Of course. Anna will be thrilled to see you. Come in. She’s just getting ready for church.”
I met Susan and her husband Bill at the hospital. Both of them seemed like real good people, good parents, and I was glad Anna had them. She grabs my hand and pulls me into the house. Bill comes walking out of the kitchen in a suit as I stand in the entrance.
“Bill, look who came by to see Anna,” Susan says smiling kindly.
It takes Bill a minute before he recognizes me. He too smiles and puts out his hand for me to shake. “Well I’ll be, how are you doing Jaxson?”
I clasp his hand in a firm handshake, “I’m doing good. Sorry to stop by unexpected like this.”
Susan waves away my apology, “Nonsense, you’re always welcome in our home.”
Bill nods, “Absolutely.”
“Mom, who are you talking to?”
My heart skips a beat at Anna’s voice from upstairs.
Susan smiles brightly, “Why don’t you come down and see? Someone’s here to see you.”
“Me?”
I’m still standing in the entry way which is directly at the bottom of the staircase. I hear Anna’s footsteps above us a second before I see her, looking beautiful, innocent and youthful. Not at all the damaged girl I saw a year ago.
She freezes at the top and stares at me in shock. A huge smile breaks over her face, “Oh my god. Jaxson?” She bolts down the stairs her excitement triggering a smile of my own. She launches herself at me from the bottom step.
I catch her chuckling, “How ya doing kid?” I whisper in her hair.
Her body starts to shake against me and I realize she’s crying.
Well shit! I try to swallow past the sudden lump in my throat.
“I’m so glad you came,” she whispers tearfully.
“Me too.”
“Honey, why don’t you and Jaxson go catch up in the kitchen while your father and I go get ready for church.”
Bill is obviously all ready but he follows his wife upstairs. I put down Anna and she wipes her eyes giving me a watery smile.
“Come on,” she grabs my hand and drags me into her massive kitchen. “You want something to drink? Looks like my mom has coffee made.”
I take a seat at the table and shake my head, “Nah, thanks anyways.”
She sits down next to me, “About time you came and visited me.”
“I got out of the clinic about 2 months ago.”
“You look different, you’re kind of cute without all the blood and bruises.”
I scoff, “Kinda?”
She giggles, “Oh whatever, you’re hot and you know it. If I didn’t love you like a big brother I would have a crush on you myself.”
Her teasing doesn’t make me laugh instead it makes my chest pull tight, “Big brother huh?”
She shrugs, “Ya well, I always wanted a sibling and if I could choose a big brother he would be exactly like you.” Her smile dies a bit, her face becoming more serious, “I think about you often.”
