Invasion from Uranus
Page 15
Now, His gaze moved on, the pollution disappeared from the land, sea and air. An endless bounty of fish returned to the barren oceans, extinct species sprang back to life, and every nuke turn to solid stone.
As the new dawn swept the globe, cripples began to dance, the blind suddenly could see, the deaf could hear, and every disease vanished: cancer, AIDS, rabies, acne...along with killer bees, army ants, and almost every other blood-sucking parasite, including TV evangelists, telemarketers and used car salesmen.
The Age of Miracles had returned, and once more God was in our everyday lives, watching benignly down from above. Satan and his hellish minions were gone forever! Which would mean an end to war, and most of the other brutalities that we did to each other on a regular basis. However, this was also the end of the Freemasons, our millennium old trust finally fulfilled in dirty old...er, in beautiful, glistening, downtown Chicago.
Unfortunately, this meant that I was out of a job, and I had really enjoyed being the covert guardian of a divine mystery for an all-powerful, world-wide, secret society.
Hmm, I wonder if the Elks had anything special that needed protecting?
-THE END-
END OF INTERVIEW
Safe behind the soundproof glass again, the Sound Effects guy was holding a bag of ice to his swollen jaw. In the outer office, the medics from the ambulance were strapping the unconscious DJ onto a wheeled gurney, while the city police photographed the badly bent office chair still wrapped around his bruised head.
"And that's our show for tonight," Nick said, rubbing his bandaged hand as the theme music swelled on cue. "Tonight's program was sponsored by S&M Candies, the milk chocolate that melts on your face." He paused a half-beat, and lowered his voice. "Not in your hands." Nick returned to his normal voice and happily added, "A wholly owned subsidiary of..."
"The Gunderson Corporation!" sang the chorus.
"Makers of Soothsayer Watches," Nick smiled, glancing at the one on his own wrist. "They don't tell you what time it is...but how much you have left."
The Sound Effects guy hit a button and a soft ticking sounded.
"Soothsayer Watches! Buy one quick," Nick lowered his voice again. "...before it's too late."
The theme music dramatically swelled to a crescendo, then faded to background.
"Obeying the commands of his alien masters, tonight's presentation was written by Nick Pollotta," he read from a presentation card lying on the console. "Cover art by Deron Douglas, and guest starring Abdul Benny Hassan as..."
"The sound of shattering glass!" sang the chorus.
Now, why the Hell did the station have that as a sound bite?"So, this is WTGC," Nick said, wearily leaning both forearms on the console.
"All radio, all the time!" the recorded chorus sang out.
"...saying goodbye, goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow," Nick finished with a heartfelt grin. Hitting the glowing red power button, he killed the controls and sighed in relief as the console went dark.
Bonus Material
THIS IS A BONUS RADIO PLAY SCRIPT FROM NICK'S DAYS WORKING ON THE AIR. NOT A SHORT STORY, PER SE, BUT IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A CROWD PLEASER. ENJOY.
HANDY NOTE:
MX - means music
SFX - means sound-effects
BG - means in the background
BEAT - means a half-second pause
1MX - INTRO MUSIC UP, ANDd FADE
2 NARRATOR - All right, adventure lovers, get ready to slip on
3 your electric danger shoes and go ask mom for a
4 glass of water
5SFX - ELECTRICAL EXPLOSION
6 MAN - (scream)
7SFX - BODY DROP
8 NARRATOR - Because its time once more for another muscular
9 tale of daring do with DOC BRONZE...
10 CHORUS - HERO WITH A TAN!
11 NARRATOR - Yes, Doc Bronze! Originally a 98 pound scholar
12 from Chicago, Illinois, while visiting a
13 Hollywood Hospital the scrawny rabbinical student
14 accidentally received-
15SFX - GLUGGING NOISES
16 NARRATOR - a massive blood transfusion overdose from the
17 private plasma stock of Arnold Swartzenegger
18 and underwent a bio-chemical miracle!
19SFX - RIPPING CLOTH
20 DOC - (thick Austrian accent) Oh no, I am naked.
21 NARRATOR - Now 450 pounds of rippling organic steel...
22 DOC - (grunt)
23 NARRATOR - Doc Bronze quickly dons a skimpy speedo to show
1 NARRATOR - off his amazing physique and begin his never-
2 ending battle for low-cal truth and high-fiber
3 justice in the time honored American tradition of
4 simply pounding the living snot out of criminals.
5 CHORUS - (assorted hurrahs)
6 HILLBILLY - Hoo-we! That's the biggest dang rabbi I dun ever
7 see!
8 DOC - Thank you. Now, I must flex.
9SFX - RIPPING CLOTH
10 NARRATOR - Later that very afternoon, in the Hollywood
11 Hospital where his incredible transformation
12 occurred, Doc Bronze confers with a fellow
13 scientist about his bizarre metamorphosis.
14 DOC - So, Professor Hollywood, can you tell me how long
15 this bio-chemical miracle will last?
16 PROF - Just a moment, Bronze. First let me place this
17 large, stainless steel, surgical probe in a bucket
18 of ice.
19SFX- TINKLING ICE NOISES
20 DOC - What is THAT for?
21 PROF - I have a rectal examination to give an I.R.S.
22 agent in an hour.
23 DOC - Hmm, use more ice.
1 PROF - Good idea!
2SFX - TINKLING ICE NOISE
3 DOC - Now, what about me?
4 PROF - Okay, bend over.
5 DOC - No-no! I meant my bio-chemical miracle.
6SFX - RIPPING CLOTH
7 PROF - Ah, well, while I have a PHD in organic pharmacology
8 and a Nobel laureate in nuclear medicine, I do fully
9 understand the bio and the chemical aspects of this
10 unique event. (beat) It's just that doggone miracle
11 thingy which has me stumped like a June bug in May.
12 DOC - Fair enough.
13MX - UP ON 'God Bless America' BG, HOLD, SLOW FADE
14 DOC - Then I must use what precious time I have remaining to
15 help the world by brutally pounding criminals.
16 PROF - It's good to have a hobby.
17 PATRICIA - (very softly) Help.
18 DOC - What was that?
19 PROF - Eh? What was what? I didn't hear anything.
20 PATRICIA - (softly) Help.
21 DOC - It is call for help. My physically perfect ears must
22 be able to hear detect sounds far beyond the range
23 of normal human beings.
1SFX - Dog howl
2 DOC - But not dogs.
3 NARRATOR - Pausing for only a moment to flex before a
4 mirror...
5SFX - RIPPING CLOTH
6 NARRATOR - ...Doc Bronze charges straight through the
7 nearest door...
8SFX - THE SOUND OF SPLINTERING WOOD
9 NARRATOR - ...and into the luxury hotel conveniently located
10 right next door!
11 PROF - (yelling) Hey, try opening the door first next time,
12 it was unlocked!
13 DOC - (calling) Sorry, can't hear you!
14SFX - RUNNING BARE FEET
15 NARRATOR - Even as Doc pounds down a long corridor of
16 terror, we must pause for this important
17 commercial message from...
18 SPONSOR - It's new! It's fantastic! It's amazing...it's
19 Socket Fisherman! Yes! Socket Fisherman! Just
&nb
sp; 20 plug one end of Socket Fisherman into any
21 ordinary electrical outlet, drop the other end
22 into any convenient lake or stream...
23SFX - SPLASH
1 SPONSOR - ... and...
2SFX - LOUD BUZZ
3 SPONSOR - ...hundreds of fish come bobbing to the surface!
4 Its fantastic!
5SFX - SOFT BUBBLING
6 SPONSOR - And if you order right now you'll also receive our
7 free booklet, "Cooking In The Wild!" Just sprinkle
8 bread crumbs onto a lake, add Socket Fisherman
9 and...
10SFX - LOUD BUZZ
11 SPONSOR - Fishsticks! It's new! It's amazing! It's...
12 SOCKET FISHERMAN! To order your Socket
13 Fisherman just dial 1-800-1196 for a free dial
14 tone, or send nineteen easy payments of 19.95 to
15 P.O. Box 1196, Grand Central Station, New York,
16 New York, New York, New York, New York, New York,
17 Earth. Socket Fisherman! Another fine product
18 from...
19 CHORUS - The Gunderson Corporation!
20 SPONSOR - So if it fits in the palm of your hand, costs
21 under ten dollars, is made of plastic, and breaks
22 in a week, then it must be another fine product
23 from...
1 CHORUS - The Gunderson Corporation!
2 SPONSOR - A wholly owned subsidiary of Enigma Industries.
3 Yes, Enigma Industries! What we make-
4 CHORUS - IS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!
5 NARRATOR - And now we return you to Doc Bronze!
6SFX - RUNNING SHOES
7 NARRATOR - Charging down the stairs into the hotel lobby,
8 the Mighty Man of Tan pauses as he encounters a
9 dramatic scene of terror!
10 PATRICIA - (scream)
11 CHORUS - crowd noises...crowd noises...crowd noises...
12 TWO-GUN KID - All, right, everybody keep back! The gun I
13 got to this maid's head is loaded, and if
14 anybody tries to stop me from leaving she gets
15 a nine millimeter lobotomy!
16 DOC - Foolish wimpy criminal, you have the gun barrel
17 pressed to the wrong part of her head! That will
18 only blow away a chunk of her cerebral cortex,
19 crippling her for life and causing a severe desire
20 to endlessly watch the Home Shopping Network.
21 CHORUS - (gasps of horror)
22 PATRICIA - (stage whisper) Hey, rabbi, shut the hell up.
23 He doesn't need your help.
1 TWO-GUN KID - Ah...is over here better?
2 DOC - A little more towards the front octempular lobe.
3 TWO-GUN KID - Here?
4 DOC - No, lower the gun a bit more.
5 TWO-GUN KID - Here?
6 DOC - A bit lower...
7 TWO-GUN KID - Here?
8 DOC - Yes, there. Perfect! (beat) Right up against her shoe.
9 TWO-GUN KID - Gee, thanks, mister...ah...
10 DOC - Bronze, Doc Bronze.
11 TWO-GUN KID - I'm known as the Two-Gun Kid, cause I always
12 use these twin 9mm automatics. (beat) Every
13 day in every way, I'm getting Beretta and
14 Beretta.
15 DOC - Understood. Now I must destroy your dangerous machine
16 weapons with my bare hands before you can make another
17 cheap pun.
18SFX - CRUMPLING METAL
19 TWO-GUN KID - Hey! Those were four hundred dollar guns!
20 DOC - Now they're not.
21 TWO-GUN KID - My guns! (beat) I'll kill you for that!
22 PATRICIA - Look out, Doc, he's got a New York Times!
23 DOC - Is he going to bore me to death?
1 TWO-GUN KID - Eat newsprint, beef-boy!
2SFX - RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
3 DOC - At last, this was the moment I'd been waiting for!
4 All of my life I've been studying the martial arts:
5 karate, judo, ju juitso, kung-fu, jeet kune do, tae
6 quan do. My fists were iron hard, my body was ready.
7 DOC - And I knew exactly what I had to do!
8SFX - RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - LOUD
9 DOC - Spinning around, I grabbed a nearby chair, and BUSTED
10 IT OVER HIS HEAD!
11SFX - THE SOUND OF SPLINTERING WOOD
12 TWO-GUN KID - Ugh!
13SFX - BODY DROP
14 DOC - Nothing is deadlier than hotel furniture.
15 PATRICIA - Oh, thank you for saving me, Doc Bronze!
16 DOC - My pleasure, miss.
17 PATRICIA - Hmm, six foot six, four hundred and fifty pounds
18 of solid muscle, in a red tiny speedo..any
19 chance you're hetero?
20 DOC - Of course! I am from Chicago.
21 PATRICIA - Great!
22 DOC - But first, I must flex.
23SFX - RIPPING CLOTH
1 PATRICIA - (giggle)
2MX - EXIT MUSIC, HOLD, FADE to BACKGROUND
3 NARRATOR - Hopped up on steroids and monkey-flavored power
4 bars, tonight's vitamin-packed radio play was
5 muscularly written by a bare-knuckled - Nick
6 Pollotta
7 Starring: as the Narrator - (name)
8 With (name) - as Doc Bronze.
9 Co-starring (name) as Prof. Hollywood.
10 (name) - as the Two-Gun Kid.
11 (name) - as Patricia.
12 With Sound Effects by - (name)
13SFX - LAWN MOWER CRASHING THROUGH GLASS WINDOW, SQUEALING
14BRAKES, METALLIC CRASH, HOWLING MONKEYS, EXPLOSION
15 NARRATOR - And guest starring Abdul Benny Hassan as...
16 the I.R.S. agent.
17SFX - ICE TINKLING
18 HASSAN - YEOW!!! (shiver) Oh....I like it.
19 DOC - Damn. More ice!
20 NARRATOR - If for some reason you enjoyed tonight's' bizarre
21 presentation, then you may also like our ever
22 on-going outer space epic BIC BUTANE...
23 (echo) SPACE...HEATER...!
1SFX - ROCKET SHIP WHOOSH
2 NARRATOR - Plus, another Kafta-esque nightmare with
3 Paranoia-Man!
4SFX - RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - STOP
5 PARANOIA-MAN - (panting) You...you won't get by everybody!
6 HUGE CHORUS - OF YES, WE WILL!
7 PARANOIA-MAN - (scream)
8 NARRATOR - And so, ladies and gentlemen, this has been
9 W-Q-Q-Q....
10 CHORUS - (sing) All radio, all the time!
11 NARRATOR - ....reminding you to flex regularly-
12SFX - RIPPING CLOTH
13 NARRATOR - And that it's time for us to say goodbye, and
14 have a pleasant tomorrow. (beat) Goodnight.
15MX - CRESCENDO - FADE-OUT EXIT MUSIC
-THE END-
THE AUTHOR
A former stand-up comic, radio ad man, stone mason, ditch digger, truck driver, and high-security courier, Nick Pollotta is now a novelist with over 60 books published worldwide, and total sales in the millions.
Aside from writing four novels a year, in his spare time Nick likes to perform with the local Chicago comedy group, The Gunderson Corporation, and plays way too much golf.
Happily married, Nick resides in northern Illinois with his beautiful wife, Melissa, 14,000 books, four computers and three cats who plan to conquer the world any day now.
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