Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries)

by Allison Burnett

  I am free! My mom will never suspect a thing until she realizes that she got a bill for two sessions but never received another one, and by then who cares?

  Monday, February 18, 2008

  Today while Paul worked upstairs, I took Cole for a long walk, fed him, and changed a diaper that was so overflowing I had to hose him down in the tub. Later Paul went out and brought us back sushi which I usually don’t like (Rory calls it mermaid clits) but it tasted much better eating it with Paul who at least knew what everything was. I kept thinking we were going to kiss again any minute but we didn’t. Paul acted like it had never happened. In a way it hurt but the other half of me knew that he was right.

  While he cleared away the containers I went upstairs and put Cole down for his second nap. Paul likes me to sit next to his crib singing and stuff until he is sound asleep, which I usually don’t mind. But today it was killing me because I wanted to be downstairs so badly. Anyway, Cole conked out pretty fast. After I held a pillow over his face. (Kidding!) Then I grabbed the baby monitor and ran back to Paul who was sitting in the den watching sports highlights. My dad hated it whenever I talked during Sports Center so I didn’t say a word. I just sat down next to him and flipped through a magazine.

  When a commercial came on Paul said “Why are you so quiet?”

  I replied “I don’t want to annoy you.”

  “Impossible.”

  And before I could say anything he grabbed my hand, pulled me onto his lap and started kissing me. I was so shocked I started laughing. But then I stopped pretty fast because his hand went up my shirt. I can’t even describe what happened in detail. If I do I’ll have to change my underwear. Haha! When he started to unzip my jeans I said “I’m having my period.” And he said “So what?” That turned me on. I loved that he wanted me so badly. There is no way I would have stopped him but then Cole started crying in the baby monitor. We stopped, all sweaty and breathing hard. I climbed off his lap and ran away. Honestly? I was glad Cole woke up. I don’t really like sex during my period. Taking out the tampon kills the mood.

  I rocked Cole and sang to him and by the time he fell back asleep Paul had returned to his computer. I cleaned up the kitchen and watched TV and I didn’t see him again until Margaret got home at 6:15. She seemed weirdly quiet. I got this terrible fear that Paul had already told her about us. Or else she just suspected it. I asked her if she was okay.

  She breathed out and said “My client’s just being a pain in the butt is all. He keeps changing his mind.”

  Later when Paul walked me to the door he whispered “To stop like that was a crime against nature, wasn’t it?”

  “Totally,” I whispered back.

  Actually I was thinking just the opposite, that if we hadn’t stopped, that would have been the crime. Hello? I believe it’s called adultery!

  Tuesday, February 19, 2008

  A wonderful day with Paul. We talked and kissed and touched each other but did not make love. If we keep things like this it will be perfect.

  It’s snowing like a bitch right now and I am cozy with two beers and a half-full pack of Kent Lights. The election is playing on TV I can’t believe how much I love politics now. Obama is kicking more cellulite-ass tonight, winning his tenth primary in a row. One expert just said to put a fork in Hillary because she’s done. And this bald guy replied “Maybe not a fork. But a spoon.” If you imagine putting a spoon inside Hillary Clinton, you could puke for an hour. I know I’m super harsh toward Hillary but she reminds me way too much of my mom, and my mom being president is my worst nightmare.

  Paul told me something hilarious today. He donated the maximum legal amount of $2,300 to Obama. A few days later Margaret asked him to go online and give the same amount to Hillary. He said “Sure thing, honey.” But he never did it! How funny is that? How cool is it that we both love Obama? How rhetorical am I? Hahaha! I am in such a good mood!

  LATER: 2:18 a.m.

  As I was about to turn out the lights and go to sleep, I heard a car door slam. I looked out the window and saw Rory practically running to my front door. I knew he must have finally found out about my dad dying or he would never come over like this against my wishes. I also knew he’d have some weed with him. I was right about both. He said he felt terrible about my dad and was really hurt I didn’t tell him at least in an email. I told him thanks for feeling terrible but we all knew he was going to die any minute so it wasn’t that big a deal.

  Rory was so nervous being alone with me that his hands trembled as he rolled the joint. He apologized again for everything he did to me, not just boning Jade but for all of the times he got crazy-jealous and physically abused me and accused me of shit I didn’t do. He really made me laugh when he told me how bad Jade was in bed. He said she got all squirmy and psychotic. She bit his shoulders and chest really hard and clawed his back. And guess what else? The rumor is true! She’s smelly down there! I almost peed myself laughing, imagining her like some crazy stinky freak biting and shredding his sensitive freckly skin. And yet he boned her anyway. Many, many times. Guys are weak.

  This is going to sound certifiably insane but I fell a little bit back in love with Rory tonight. Almost the way I felt the first few weeks after we met. I couldn’t help it. He was being so kind and sympathetic and sweet. And I was stoned! The next thing I knew we were making love. I think I thought if I did this I would be less likely to have sex with Paul. Maybe it’s true.

  The best part was lying there afterwards and listening to him tell me how much he loved me and how beautiful I am. I was like Narcissus gazing at myself in the swimming pool. Huh? I mean pool of water! I am still a little bit high. Heeheehee. Don’t worry I didn’t drown in the deep end. I slept for like an hour in his arms and when I woke up and realized what I had done, I looked out the window and since there weren’t any pterodactyls around, I got up and kicked his ass out. I sure hope he doesn’t think it will ever happen again.

  Good night, moon!

  Wednesday, February 20, 2008

  This morning I told Paul I’m feeling guilty and scared at how close we are to making love. He said he feels the same way. We agreed that we should do everything but. This made me feel so much better. I started laughing I was so happy. The whole day, every second we were alone all we did was kiss and touch and then kiss some more. At one point he pulled down my jeans, kneeled down on the floor and started gently kissing my ass. It was the sexiest, most exciting thing ever.

  Joel just texted me for like the fifth time in three days. I haven’t called him back because I know if I do I will tell him the truth about me and Paul.

  Jade left a message, too. I guess she heard that Rory and I hung out and now she wants to tell me how he practically raped her and how she was too scared to dump him. I texted her back: Sorry about the deadly yeast. Get well soon. I never did anything to deserve the way she treated me.

  Thursday, February 21, 2008

  I gave Paul a blow job today. First time. It was amazing. I have never been this attracted to anyone. Even more than to Dan. And that’s saying a lot. Maybe that’s why I’m so scared of making love with him.

  When Margaret got home from work Paul was out buying food for dinner. As she was taking off her coat she froze and stared at me. For a second I thought there was cum hanging off my nose or something.

  “What?” I said.

  “I want to ask you something.”

  “Okay.”

  “Since I started working full-time—”

  “Yeah?”

  “Have you noticed a change?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “In Cole.”

  I burst out laughing. “No, no, no. He’s fine.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive. I mean, the first week, he definitely cried a little bit more than usual. And maybe he was a little more needy. But he’s great now. Just look at him. See how happy he is?”

  Margaret walked over to his bouncy chair. Cole was kicking and kicking with a bi
g smile. She unstrapped his seat belt and lifted him out. She kissed him all over and made him giggle. She got tears in her eyes. Boy, did I feel guilty.

  Friday, February 22, 2008

  Stop writing to tell me what a disgusting person I am. I try not to read your vicious letters but sometimes I can’t resist and then I feel worse about myself than I already do. If you don’t stop, I will shut down the contact button and none of you will ever be able to write to me again.

  • • •

  Cole is obsessed with the TV remote control. Margaret says to keep it away from him because it’s the dirtiest thing in the house. No it’s not, lady. Not anymore.

  Sunday, February 24, 2008

  Something is wrong with me. Yesterday afternoon I was lying in bed missing Paul when the phone rang. I saw Dan’s name and I knew the only smart thing to do was not pick up and not even listen to the voice mail he left. Delete and move on. Forget he ever happened. But what did I do instead? I answered and acted all happy to hear from him.

  “Hey, stranger! What’s goin’ on?”

  “Oh, not much. Working hard. How about you?”

  I could tell from his voice that he had decided to accept my sex offer. I knew it. But I had made the offer before I fell in love with Paul who is much kinder to me than Dan. He is also sexier and more mature. Paul has ruined me! No other man compares! So what did I do when Dan asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie?

  I said “Cool! What time?”

  I am such an idiot. Why did I do it? I knew what would happen. Something is seriously wrong with me.

  Anyway I did it. I went over to his house and had sex with him. No condom. Afterwards lying on the sticky couch with a framed picture of Martine staring at me from the mantle I realized that I had just been used. He didn’t love me. He just wanted a beautiful young body to orgasm in. Which is what I let him do. So I decided to get back at him. I pretended I needed some advice, but I really just wanted to crush his ego. I told him all about Paul. When I got to the part where Paul and I kissed for the first time, I could tell Dan was getting angry but trying to control it. He didn’t lose his shit until I got to the blow job.

  He jumped up and shouted “What’re you doing?! The guy’s a piece of shit!”

  “What does that make you?”

  “I’m fourteen years older than you not twenty-six years! And I’m not married! And I’m not your fuckin’ boss! You know it’s a federal offense, right? To screw your employee?”

  I acted all casual and amused. “Will you chill out? We haven’t had sex. Wow, I had no idea you were the jealous type.”

  “Oh, please. I was never jealous about Cory, was I?”

  “Rory.”

  “What happened to him?”

  “We broke up.”

  “Well get back together. Or find someone else your own age. But stay away from this Spooner guy. He’s a dirtbag.”

  I started to cry. I don’t know why. He kneeled down and handed me my shirt and said “Look, I know you’ve been through a hard time lately, what with your dad dying and everything but sleeping with a married man is only going to make you feel worse. You need to get into therapy, Katie. Serious therapy.”

  “I already am.”

  He was surprised.

  “Did you tell him about Spooner?”

  “It’s a female. No, not yet. Only about you.”

  “Great. Well, tell her I made it clear to you tonight that I don’t ever want to see you again. What happened between us was wrong. All of it from the beginning. I saw you tonight because I was weak but it won’t happen again. I’m sorry to say this so soon after—”

  “You fucked me?”

  “Your father died.” He handed me the rest of my clothes. “Go home now. One of us has to be strong. I’m the adult, so it’s going to be me.”

  I don’t get mad very often but when I do it’s scary. I got dressed really slowly and did not say a word. Then I walked to the fridge and took out an open bottle of white wine. I popped the cork and said “By the way, I lied. I’m not on the pill.” Then I walked out the door, laughing and swigging the wine. On the way to the car I wondered if he was watching me, but I did not even turn around to find out. I just drove away.

  • • •

  If Dad is so jealous over what happened with Paul that he doesn’t want to see me anymore then he can die as far as I’m concerned. Paul is a better person anyway. I just wish I hadn’t gone over there. I feel like I cheated on Paul. I know that’s stupid but it’s how I feel.

  The Oscars are on right now. I don’t care who wins. I missed every good Hollywood movie this year. Both of them. Ha! Thank god I have work tomorrow. Paul will kiss me out of my misery.

  Monday, February 25, 2008

  I could build up what happened today into some huge, amazing romantic story but it wasn’t like that at all. There was no orchestra playing or thunder clapping or waves crashing. What happened was intensely real. If they made a movie of it there would be no music, just the sound of our breaths and a branch tapping the window and Cole snoring gently in his bouncy chair.

  Paul makes love different than Dan. Dan acts like he’s loving it more than anything in the world but at the same time wants it over with as soon as possible. Paul is slow and tender like he never wants it to end. I believe this is true love-making.

  • • •

  Paul definitely loves me. No, not in the way he loves Margaret and Cole but not just in the way you love a friend either. I think he respects me and laughs with me and lusts for me and enjoys teaching me and when you put all this together it’s a wonderful special kind of love. We did it three times today. Twice during Cole’s nap and once we just turned Cole’s chair around and made sure we were very quiet, because Paul says kids are biologically programmed to absorb everything.

  Three times is pretty amazing for a man Paul’s age. He said he hadn’t done it that many times in one day since college.

  “Not even with Margaret when you first met?”

  “Are you kidding? At very best it was three times a week. These days it’s three times a month if I’m lucky.”

  “Poor boy.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  I am afraid to keep describing what today was like. I don’t want to make it seem like less than it was.

  All day we held hands nonstop even when we were eating. I would give anything to spend a whole night with him. Maybe he can pretend to go away on a business trip and we can get a motel room in the city. I bet we would hold hands all night, even while we were sleeping.

  Tuesday, February 26, 2008

  The first email I opened today was from an Arabic fundamentalist who said if I lived in his country I would be killed for “crimes against chastity.” I wrote back and said that as benighted as his country is, I didn’t really believe they would kill a girl my age just for falling in love. And he wrote back that a few years ago they hung a 16-year-old girl for way less than what I did with Paul. I wrote back and said “Well, then thank god I live in America and please don’t ever write to me again.” I feel like calling the FBI and asking them to track this guy down and open up a can of Guantanomo on his ass. Hahaha! Suddenly I’m all right wing!

  Must run. Can’t be late for work. Can you believe I actually get paid to spend time with the man I love?

  Wednesday, February 27, 2008

  Paul had meetings all day. Cole was a fucking nightmare. It was not his fault. He’s been drooling and sucking on his hand and these are the sure signs of teething. I gave him some herbal drops and that helped a little. Finally Paul got home but we had barely any time together before Margaret got back early. Good thing she called first and warned us. I guess this means she doesn’t suspect anything or she would never have called. If she was not so self-involved with her career she would definitely sense something weird was going on because lately I turn into such a chatterbox the second she walks in. Paul is pretty much calm, except every now and then the tips of his ears turn dark red. (Pau
l is a physically beautiful man. His only tiny flaw is that he needs to shave between his eyebrows. If we were a real couple I would tell him.)

  Margaret was worried about how tired Cole looked. I explained that he has begun teething so he only took one nap and it was only for 40 minutes. She looked at me like it was my fault. Hey, lady, if you don’t like the job I’m doing then quit your stupid career and start acting like a mother! Actually, no, I take that back. I hope her job lasts forever.

  I am in an extra foul mood right now. When I got home there were all these cruel emails waiting for me. I deleted most of them based on the subject line. And then I saw one from Joel Seidler and I thought “Hey, good old Joel. I miss him. Maybe this will cheer me up!”

  This is what he wrote:

  K, you are the most selfish girl in the entire world. A veritable monster. I offered you friendship and this is how you repay me? I can only imagine how you must treat your enemies. How many straight guys in the whole world do you think there are who like you enough to be your friend without trying to have sex with you? Maybe zero. Every guy who even sees you on the street wants to have sex with you. You know that. Or if you don’t, then you know it unconsciously. You walk through life like a billionaire. That’s the sort of confidence you have. Only you’re like an arrogant billionaire, spilling hundred-dollar bills from both pockets, squandering her fortune, thinking it will last forever. I am only two years older than you, but I am so much smarter it’s ridiculous. As you get older and your looks fade and your ass and tits fall, fewer and fewer guys will want to have sex with you. Until one day you will have no sexual power left. A penniless billionaire! Then your only wealth will be the people whom you have attracted to your life, who know and love the real you. I am one of those people, yet you discard me. At this rate you will die unhappy and alone, and that’s probably what you deserve. You have no inner life. Bye, Joel