Remembering home was difficult. At least there I would have a dry and warm bed that didn’t smell of horses, but even that sounded good right now. Better drink, a bath! I could not remember the last time I had a bath instead of jumping in the river to at least attempt the removal of the top surface of grime. Servants to bring me food and not scrapes you competed with the hounds for. Fine clothes, money, my favourite hawk, fishing for fun and a treat for that night, dancing I remembered and my mother…. I bite my lip to stop myself, Shut Up Shut Up Shut Up! I pushed it all away, back to the emptiness inside and locked it shut.
Instead I shock myself and focused back towards Arthur who had reached his brother and had embraced him in greeting and initial joy of seeing his brother. Some memories could not be locked away and I would be glad to see my brothers now, any of them. I would embrace them the same way I watched now. I had no one when the world changed for me, but that was a long time ago.
Was there the reason I wanted to help Arthur somewhere in the middle of my thoughts? I decided yes. Simply put I wanted to look out for Arthur as his world changed compared to having no one when mine did.
Yet now I hoped he would at least have his brother with him as well. Kay appeared to me to be a thinner, younger and less rounded version of his father. He was older than Arthur by several years and I guessed he was in his early to mid twenties. As luck would have it, the abnormal quiet of the courtyard allowed me to hear them. I stood trying not to be noticed or appear as if I were listening¸ but standing in the centre with a horse and nothing else around me would represented a challenge to anyone even the most experienced servants.
“What are you doing here, where’s father?” Kay asked in a deadly serious deep tone of voice.
He pulled himself away from Arthur having returned the embrace with a quick friendly thump to Arthur’s back. He was clearly wary and suspicious of his surroundings and hastily returned to looking towards the surrounding walls as if awaiting an ambush.
“He’s here,” Arthur answered, but quickly to set aside Kay’s questions for his own, “Where have you been?”
Kay countered at once. “Where is he, it’s important.” He asked urgently.
Kay pulled off the remaining gauntlet, unaware of Arthur’s growing frustration at being ignored that was certainly evident to me.
“I don’t know. I’ve been outside; he’s likely to be in the fort somewhere.” Arthur responded absently.
His survey of the fort over, Kay purposefully set off towards the main tower and in fact towards me and leaving Arthur behind just standing there. “Come on, follow me.” He ordered not looking back.
Arthur called after him “Kay, wait!” And in a slightly lower voice to avoid announcing himself to the world and perhaps to believe his own words he added, “They’re making me king, the king of the country, just wait a minute!”
Kay stopped, his shoulders dropping as he let out a meaningful sigh. Setting aside his mission Arthur’s words had plainly reached him and a different calmer Kay was revealed. He unhurriedly turned around to look at Arthur. “I know, was there remember. Didn’t father tell you where I’ve been?” Kay questioned with a voice that had lost its edge, but not allowing time for Arthur to say anything then answered his own question. “I guess not, makes sense that he didn’t I suppose.”
A confused frown appeared on Arthur’s face and without doubt I had a matching expression if anyone were interested in looking at me. I was curious at once at what Kay had to say, enough that for a moment my own suffering was completely forgotten now.
“What do you mean?” Arthur asked my question.
Was this going to be the explanation of more historic lies told to Arthur or revealing of the truth that had been disguised or was that the same thing? In a way I hoped it was neither given the day’s news for Arthur so far. How Arthur might cope with more lies or even further truths was not likely to be taken well by him.
Except, disappointingly, Kay hesitated looking around again and glanced my way with a frown. “Not here, come on.” He urged.
“He’s with me Kay.” Arthur explained seeing Kay’s concern with my presence.
I felt strangely honoured at the fact I was with Arthur and grinned, no doubt looking very slightly foolish. Kay looked again at me for a further second and I dropped the smile at once to just look sheepish instead. His assessment of me over, he turned back to Arthur and slowly walked back to him.
“I was send home to get our men. We just arrived and are camped nearby.” Kay said.
This explained the lack of time to change the horse, not that I knew how far he might have travelled to go home first. To ride home wherever that was and then to here was bound to have taken some time, I guess no time to change take a spare horses either. No wonder he looked tired and worn out. He seemed defiantly at the outermost point of being on edge of had enough of it all! Suddenly Kay and I had far more in common I decided, sheer exhaustion!
“I don’t understand.” Arthur stated
But suddenly I did. “Don’t you, I do,” I jumped in, surprising myself, “Your father sent your brother to get reinforcements, just in case they were needed to get you out of here.”
I gained a disapproving look from Kay, but he didn’t say anything to deny it.
“What? He thought I wouldn’t be able to leave?” Arthur questioned, apparently taken aback by the possibility.
“Art, you have just been declared king!” I continued, “They might not be keen on losing you.”
“But I just left some time ago and now I’ve come back!” The future king pointed out with disbelief.
This was true, but I now wondered if that had just been a case of luck or lack of thought by Alain and others, or just because Sir Ector was still here somewhere. On the other hand Sir Briant, the knight who had been waiting with Arthur was not what I would have called a brilliant guard. In fact leaving me to stay with Arthur was in no way a suggestion of best guarding practice. Possible it was perhaps the worst thing to do as I was the one who encouraged him to get out and get some food and spy on the meeting. Maybe Ector was just being cautious I concluded and I just shrugged.
Kay sighed and crossed his arms before deciding to give us more. “Father wanted me to get our men so we could leave, by force if needed. We might not have many men, but enough to surprise this place and leave as we want.” Kay firmly confirmed and he sounded immediately just like his father as well. “I admit, I did not expect to find you wandering about here and so few others about.”
I realised that Sir Ector was a wiser and more tactful man than I had first thought. While others still had their armies at home, he had men to take control of the situation if needed by getting them here fast, even if only for a short time. I did not know how many men this meant or if more than Aries had available. A foolish gesture perhaps, but importantly he planned to try to take his son away from all of this if needed and suddenly that was the really important point that rang through my head for a moment. He had ordered Kay to organise this knowing Arthur was not in fact his real son, he was willing to fight for him despite this knowledge! Absolute proof of how much he cared! I wondered if Arthur had considered this as well and look to him for his own realisation.
“I have not been imprisoned Kay, it’s just been us for the most part.” Arthur assured.
“Who’s this?” Kay asked as I might be a potential jailor and with a degree of harshness I took offence to.
He glanced my way and clearly was not relaxing just yet in this strange fort. I was pulled back from my thoughts and the aching seemed to return as well as attention of both of them landed on me.
“Tor,” Arthur introduced, “Prince of Northumberland, son of King Pellinore, Tor this is Kay.”
I rolled my eyes at my title being said, but nodded to Kay quickly to confirm it. Why did he have to mention what I considered to be my old life, but I was impressed by his memory of it. I just did not understand what the point of it was! I didn’t shout he was going t
o be king to everyone. Perhaps he was still annoyed I didn’t tell him it at first.
But more vitally, had he realised that his father adopted or otherwise was willing to fight for him! Certainly I was getting desperate to shout this fact at him.
“Your highness?” Kay enquired candidly raising a single dark eye brow, clearly not believing the sight of me.
“Some time ago, I’m just Tor now, a squire here.” I confirmed, shooting Arthur a scowl.
Kay could be seen in his facial expressions to put this new and needless piece of information to one side. “I still need to see father.” He said instead, regrouping having been side tracked.
I wanted to know if Arthur had got it yet, I wanted to ask him what he thought of his father now knowing what he had planned to sacrifice for him, but grudgingly forced myself to say silent as this was Arthur’s time to talk with his brother.
Arthur frowned in thought and did not budge despite Kay’s clear body language indicating he wanted to move on. “There’s one more thing Kay.” He ventured.
Then it dawned on me and I remembered if Arthur realised there was unquestionable proof that his father was on his side and was going to fight for him it did not matter right now. He had something far more imperative to resolve right at this moment.
“Yes, what now, come on Art we need to go?” Said Kay, now sounding agitated and he raised his arm to signal the way.
To me Arthur seems unsure about how to start to tell his brother he was not. Kay I guessed was not aware that he was not Arthur’s older brother as I was sure he would have mentioned it before now. Instead Arthur, who now stood biting his lip and looking to his feet not wanted to gain eye contact, had to give Kay the news. I could not imagine how I start to say you are not my kin and guess it had a lot to do with the relationship to hand. If they hated each other it might be an easy task, but clearly that was not the case here.
“How far back can you remember?” Arthur tried, but appeared to instantly regret his opening words.
His hands tensed in frustration reached for his head and held it. Again to avoid looking directly at Kay he turned away for a moment to think. Maybe to find a way to control how to cope with the idea of now being a unknown somebody, but unwilling to lose himself and his understanding of family.
Kay took a step back towards Arthur with obviously annoyance at the delay, but stopped as Arthur retreated away a little, “What, what is this about now.” He said unwilling to do any chasing and sounded as any brother would when fed up with his sidling. “We need to go. I want to check on father, so come on. Whatever it is Art tell me now will you or you can just stay here.”
This was not my place to be and I had backed up a little. I fussed the horse to at least provide a purpose for my own hands and distract me, not that I was keen to fuss any distance relation of the beast that nearly killed me.
Arthur had circled around and tried again. “Can you remember a man called Merlin, an old man, well maybe not that old some years ago.”
“No.” Said Kay brusquely, shaking his head and growing impatience.
“He might have been mentioned by father, no maybe not.” Arthur continued then waved the idea away. “What about Uther Pendragon, you know him? I mean have you heard of him, perhaps mentioned by father sometime.” Arthur babbled onwards stumbling towards his seemingly unobtainable target.
“Uther Pendragon was the old king as everyone knows. Look Art what is this, get on with it or I will certainly leave you here?”
Arthur glanced at me briefly for support maybe, but guiltily I could not help if that was his plead. He took a deep breath. The sharper tone of Kay’s voice and his threat finally appeared to force Arthur to face up to the point.
He could not avoid this anymore, failed to find kinder words to soften the harsh truth and so without further fear he looked up. “Kay, according to the legend the person who pulls the sword is the heir of Uther Pendragon, the old king. According to Merlin a man I know little about, but many either fear or have high regard for, well he says I am his son. Uther’s son, the old king’s son, I mean,” Arthur managed to get out in a burst of words, only a few sounded a little nervous. Taking another deep breath, still staring at his former brother and with concentration to hold himself together he added, “And according to father that’s all true, because I overheard him say it to be so.”
As Arthur’s words faded to nothing, Kay with obviously reason was hit by disbelief and to avoid Arthur’s resolute stare he immediately looked my way seeking acknowledge. I did not wish to be involved, but found myself nodding in answer to the demands of his pained facial expression when his eyes fell on me. I then looked away hoping he wanted nothing more from me in terms of explanation and hated serving as some kind of witness or corroborator.
“No I can’t believe this.” Kay flatly stated firmly dismissing the news, but stopped short of saying more to let it all sink in.
Arthur half smiled, perhaps understanding the truth and accepting it more than he had before. “Look at us Kay. We always joked we never looked alike; we are so dissimilar in so many ways. Today I found out the truth and,” He paused a moment, composing himself again to again focus on his words to push his strained voice through some invisible barrier, “I know we are not brothers and father is not my father…”
At once the facade that exists for all brothers and sisters was dropped. Brothers, even sisters argue. Often they cannot stand each other; they fight, frequently have no desire to be in the same room together and certainly never admit to missing each other when parted. Brotherly love is never admitted or confessed. It was life’s unwritten rule. As with all rules there are exceptions, mainly when totally drunk where admitting you love everyone is perfectly acceptable. Yet no one else is allowed to pick on your brother or sister other than you and that in itself could be considered an admission of a bond. Facing a disaster is another exception. Should such disaster occur, acknowledgment that you do not in fact hate your sibling and it was not the case you would have rather been an only child is allowed.
This was one of those times. The false pretence that all brothers and sisters held could be dropped. Kay could not avoid realising and admitting what Arthur meant to him in the face of this disaster and equally Arthur could not avoid the same. Only Arthur had a further exception to the rule, his admission was based on the need to hold on to his family, his disaster was a desperate plea.
Kay quickly confronted Arthur and held his shoulders with both hands steadily and it was clear to me he had just decided what was important to him and he was the type of person who took control and accepted no nonsense.
“Stop.” Almost commanded Kay, “Now you listen to me. If this is a joke we will find out, but if this is the truth know this.” He paused briefly and lowered his voice. “You are my brother, always, I promise.”
A moment of admission followed as Kay held his brother, renewed bonding of the two brothers in the short silence as Kay’s statement of loyalty floated in the air. This was stronger than any allegiance promised by a knight to his lord or king, this was unbreakable. This was family. I stood quietly as my role as witness continued, not sure if my presence sanctioned Kay’s words or was an unwelcome intrusive to this moment of privacy between kin. Of course this acceptance that both would consider each other still as a brother despite any facts meant the unwritten rules would still continue to apply. The instant Kay released Arthur’s shoulders the rules applied once again and Kay gave him a friendly punch on one arm as if to highlight the end of this moment of admission along with quick smile to say back to normal.
“Guess we had better find Father then.” Said Arthur, his red face now portrayed a clear sense of relief as he sought to recover from its anguish for a moment, at least before he remembered his other problems.
“Yes, now come on and hurry up.” Instructed Kay with renewed purpose and he again set off across the yard.
Not sure what I should do I waited. Luckily Arthur sensed my indecision and notice
d my presence once more. Instead of immediately following his brother to one of main tower’s entrances he turned to me.
“You coming?” He asked, but I perceived the question had a double meaning in his tone.
“I best take this horse back and I’ll take Sir Kay’s as well if you want. Besides I ache so much I don’t much like the thought of the stairs.”
“I’ll tell Kay.” Arthur said thoughtfully.
I nodded and wondered if there was more to be said in the quiet between us. “I guess I’ll see you around then.” I added to the void of awkwardness.
“I guess so.” He agreed in that way of being kind, but when it was against obvious fact that we were unlikely to meet again.
“And good luck with your father, I said he would be on your side.”
Arthur just nodded and then found it hard to look at me and sought the ground instead, “Thanks for, err you know.” He said, slightly choked up.
“Anytime, next time just hold back the punches.” I smiled as I knew he meant the whole day.
A pause for a moment more and I turned away to find the reins of Arthur’s horse.
“Actually there is one thing.” Arthur asked from behind me, his voice had quickly lowered and gained a serious tone.
I turned back and noted that Kay was now at the base of the tower and at any second would notice his younger brother had not followed.
“What?” I asked.
“I still want to know what Merlin knows.” Arthur replied. “Despite whatever my father tells me I want to know everything about why I was in his care, why was I given away? My father didn’t seem to know why I was given to him, or at least I don’t think he does. I want to know more and I need you to ask him for me, ask Merlin.”
“Me?” I exclaimed, but kept to a whisper and he nodded keenly. “I am just a squire.”
The Knight Behind the Pillar Page 9
