There were footsteps behind me, given away by breaking wood and stone moving, but I continued to hunt.
“Whatever you be lookin for my boy, it won’t be found till morning now.” Stated Clegis from behind me. I stopped digging and turned to face him, guilt flooded back. Seeing me he just nodded. His expression was that of someone who understood, maybe not the details, but knew and I did not have to say a word. “Come on son, let’s get a drink and let Florie look at that head of yours. This can all wait.”
I gently touched my face to find fresh blood dripping from it. He held out a hand encouragingly and I was pulled up and lead away by it.
Chapter 10: The end of 1 dream and hope for another
The scabbard was gone.
Bird song told me another day had already arrived. Everyday birds shouted of their joy and hope with no regard for the suffering of men. My suffering! Maybe we were a joke to them? They wake up, see how pathetic we are and they laughed at us every morning. It was a restless night and now I awoke to more expectant horrors.
The scabbard was gone!
I was warm, more comfortable than I thought I would be, wanted or deserved to be. I was wrapped in what I found to be fur coat and given its size it was undoubtedly Clegis’s. I reeked of smoke, it hit me the moment my senses awoke before they could adjust and forget once more. Florie had cleaned up the side of my head a little as she tended me last night, but the rest of me was the same as before. Never before had I slept in my boots before, not that I meant to last night. It was not pleasant as dirt and old sweat squished together around my toes as I stretched them to release the cramp.
The scabbard was…..shut up head, I don’t’ care!
I dragged off the coat and rolled over with a fair bit of grumbling. Sunlight hurt as I attempted to let the new day in. Grumbling turned to tired moaning as I cursed the light, the aches, cuts, busies and sleeping on the ground outside. Finally I could see the ruins around me were still ruined and that meant lives remained lost and the hayloft had gone too.
That little voice that you knew was your own, but said things you did not want to hear like the truth was right. And yes the scabbard was gone, the voice kept repeating the truth and I groaned again for it punishing me along with memories of yesterday that would always be with me.
What I should be concerned with was difficult to work out. The scabbard going missing would have been the greatest disaster of my life a few days ago. Finding that the last of my remaining coin had also gone missing from its normal hiding place would also have been the greatest tragedy a few days before that. Yet thanks to yesterday none of that mattered, nothing mattered and even my own life had altered value.
Moreover I had made a decision, actually two, and these had led me to stand before a plain, normal, featureless and familiar timber door in the fort. It guarded the main banquet chamber where food was normally served. My first decision this morning had been an important one and it was to get up. A simple choice, but it meant I was deciding to live, live with myself somehow despite not yet knowing how. I got up and ate with Clegis in front of an open air fire fuelled I concluded by remains of his home and saying very little. In the quiet we both understood each other and had no need for words. It was a comfort and afterwards I set off to the fort and to the plain timber door.
I was trembling slightly because behind this door was Arthur and his brother. I had been told by servants where to go on route and was good news that they were alive, except the merriment of the news was lost on me. Selfishly I stayed shut away in my own thoughts. None of it was their fault I knew. Their coming had been the start of events that lead me here, to this door and to the second decision. I had decided no longer wished to be a knight! I could not be a killer and add more faces to those that haunted me now. I was wrong, totally wrong about who I was and what I was trying to be. Besides, if I really thought more about it, what virtues did I offer? I was a coward and had run away from my father, twice. I had committed almost every sin there was be it a thief and a killer. I slept in the hayloft because the halls repulsed me, thought I was better, and what kind of knight would I be? And why would I want to be what I saw yesterday! I intended to open the door, see Kay and tell him my thoughts and the decision. I might still have to serve him, maybe as a servant, but he would never place a knighthood on me.
My hand paused at the door, just before the knock. Perhaps, I considered, I should leave this for now. It was only the day after a huge battle and undoubtedly they would be busy and did not need me to interrupt them. Instead I could disappear, let the world believe I am dead if remembered by it at all. Return to the days of having no name once more. My hand was still and hung there waiting for a decision. I wished I had thought of disappearing before entering the fort, but failed to think ahead enough.
I was interrupted in my deliberation by hearing a couple of steps to my side which came to a slow stop. “You should knock,” Said Merlin lightly and I knew it was him before he had even spoke. “He would be pleased to see you, to speak to someone who understands.”
“Who and understand what?” I answered with distain and still facing the door.
“Well Kay left a little while ago, as did the others with preparations to make and so that only leaves our king. We leave tomorrow to pursue Lot of course.” Merlin stopped speaking seeing me looked confused as I fought not to look his way, but tried to stay focused on my hand. “Ah, but I see you are not aware of this. Perhaps it will be another chance to show off you swordsmanship skills again.”
“You know I fought?” I said surprised, my hand dropped away.
I realised at once he had caught me off guard, he might not have known if I had been in the fight, but did now.
Merlin gave a quick satisfied smile. “I could say, why of course I know, because I know everything so they say. Perhaps I could say this in some mysterious magical way. But you don’t believe in such things, not from your point of view behind whatever it might be. Nor do you believe me do you?” He said and paused. I was not sure if he wanted an answer, but I did not give him one and he continued regardless. “Truth is you certainly look like you have been in a fight of some kind, more than one I would summarise. Then again, I heard a very interesting story about you being told earlier. However, I will leave that to young Lord Kay to share with you on his return. I think first you should tap on the door.”
In this new world there was a Merlin who seemed to speak clearer and did not produce endless riddles. Yet I still thought he was annoying and slightly smug as he floated on pass me and left me behind. When I was sure he was gone, I turned and walked away from the door.
Arthur was behind that door and so what stopped me from going in? It was just Art, my friend, a scruffy haired under fed squire they thought to make king. Oddly I did not want to disappoint him or loss his respect when I explained I had come to realise I was not who I thought I was or wanted to be. I would need to admit that I could not do what I did yesterday again.
So I walked on and then I stopped once more. I had decided to live I reminded myself, and unless I was a complete coward there was no going back. Besides, I had to speak to Arthur sometime.
While not entirely convinced and after a frustrated curse at the world I returned to the door. I closed my eyes, felt the tug of all my fears pulling me from within and deep down I ached. I only opened my eyes again after I had knocked, and reluctantly did so twice.
“Come in.” Called Arthur sounding distance from within the room.
I had no choice now and I pushed open the door.
Inside light flooded the room, or at least what was left of it. I had thought the fort was not significantly damaged from what I had seen, but this room had gained a very large new opening. Others might have said it had lost an entire wall, but that kind of thinking would tempt fate who might then ask what was holding up the floors above!
Scattered across the room was parts of the former probable wall, broken tables, plates and glass smashed. Only brief efforts to
clear up had taken place. Any food that might have been was gone in the second it touched the floor befriended by hounds or rats. Arthur stood by the opening and he was alone. He was also different. Cleaner certainly than me with hair combed back and looking older for it. He worn a deep red cloak when it wasn’t cold and I saw no purpose of it, except again he looked a little more removed from the squire I once met. The only clue he had just been in a war was a cloth wrapped around his right hand I assumed hiding a wound. I had certainly caught my own sword hand a number of times yesterday, but the air would heal it.
“Your highness.” I offered, bowing my head respectfully.
It seemed natural now to say it and I no longer gave it a thought. Except on this occasion I wondered if I should have said his name looking at the sad grave expression facing me. On the other hand a title was a safe start.
“You survived then,” He said and frowning more on looking closer, “Just about.”
“And you.” I half smiled back as much as I was able, but it was awkward and the atmosphere between us was like when we first met. It knew it was not because of me or anything I had done, at least nothing that he knew about.
My eyes dropped back to the hand and he saw and waved it away. “It’s nothing.” He confirmed casually and turned away guiltily.
He looked back out of the new feature window. The fact we had survived seemed as joyous as being told we had both just drunk poison. I stepped forward a little to get closer to him. It was difficult to know what to say, I could not say what I had in mind about not being a knight straight away as that did not seem to be the right thing to do now I was standing here. Also it was for Kay more than I needed to state my new understanding of knighthood.
“A few ideas then.” I said instead, recalling what Arthur had said when we last had the time for a real talk alone.
“Not all of them worked did they?” stated Arthur crossly.
While I did not understand I was pleased to see a spark of life, part of Art I knew. “Err, I don’t know. You stopped Lot, you and I are standing here. Only its best not to stand too close to that crumbling edge maybe, looks a bit…”
“Tor shut up, just… you know!” Arthur snapped to cut me short from rambling on, but pulled himself back from actually losing it with me.
Nonetheless he walked away from the edge of the room.
“Art,” I continued regardless of the command of my king and decided it was the appropriate time for me to use his name as clearly he wanted to talk, but just did not want to admit it, “You saved us, what do you think you got wrong about that?”
“No I didn’t, he retreated, he’s now regrouping and we’re preparing to pursue him.” Arthur explained circling the room, “And so more fighting, more death, much more. Now you get it!”
“Alright I didn’t know, sorry.” I said putting up surrendering hands he did not look to see and forgetting that Merlin had in fact mentioned it.
“I got it wrong!” He stated in conclusion.
Arthur was in turmoil and I could see it, but what was I to do or say to help? I was getting out; I was going to leave the call to knight-killing-hood! Yet with a sigh and I knew the truth, no I was going to be there for him again.
“What’s wrong, you’re alive aren’t you.” I tried pointing out basic facts in the hope it would rally him round.
“No, you don’t understand,” Arthur continued and I thought it best not to say no I did not get it because he was not being overly enlightening, but after what seemed an age he finally explained more. “I took too long to send the signal and King Bors didn’t know when to come until too late. It’s my fault you see.”
“What! Art you’re not making sense to me, the signal was…” I stopped myself as I came to realised something. I could see it in his face, the shadow of guilt and regret. More calmly I added, “Art, Arthur, You did your best, the smoke and everything you did saved us.”
“Not everyone!” He retorted loudly and came close to my face before backing off again.
I was not put off and kept going raising my voice again. “And you knew that, you knew not everyone was going to live, it was a battle for crying out loud and it’s a war now. What did you expect to happen! But that’s not it is?”
I was shouting now with my arms out stretched, not time to stand back and fade into the background and I stood firm against his returning stare and his increasingly red face as anger gained a hold.
“A war thanks to me!” He just snapped. “Just go away Tor, leave me alone.”
Dying, his expression understood that he faced death, just a boy. Then there was the soldier who gave me a second chance and then each of the others after that! Even when I had no face to see, each one was there filling my head and it hurt now.
“Who do you see?” I yelled back furiously and stepped towards him intently. At the same time I stepped well beyond any idea that he was my king and I was just a squire. “When you close your eyes who do you see? Who is it you can’t stop saying sorry to, beg for forgiveness from? And it doesn’t matter what they were doing or about to do to you, whatever it was don’t matter because you still regret it all and hate what you did. Well! Who? Was it a farmer, his son even? Forced to fight by his master, pulled from the fields and given no choice, I don’t know, but I killed him, he‘s dead right. Dead because of me! Tell me then who do you see!?”
I realised I did not entirely make sense, but did not care.
Arthur instantly dismissed me and broke away, but did answer straightaway. “No this isn’t about self guilt.” He muttered after a pause.
“Yes is it, I can see it in your eyes.” I persisted and while I risk getting hit or worst I seized his shoulder and pulled him back around to face me. “I know because mine are the same. Last night I saw them staring back at me before the bowl of water turned red by blood from my wounds were tended to. I can’t tell you whose blood it was for certain, there was so much. But for my eyes, they’re full of horror, terrified and I can’t describe it enough, but you know because I bet you‘ve seen you own eyes too.”
I let go of his arm and he dropped back a little, exhausted by my own outburst. While he was quiet for a while the tension in the room for me disappeared as I had admitted it all now except for my conclusion that I could not do it again.
“Full of hate, staring back.” He finally admitted in a whisper staring at me and I nodded in agreement as he went on. “A man riding, his mail no match for me, not for my sword. He fell and I saw his face as the visor opened as he fell. Only it’s the yell, his cry I keep hearing, that’s the worst bit. I still should have sent the signal earlier, that’s still true and maybe then there would be less crying.”
“Whatever it was, when you should have done it or maybe this or that, it might have changed the outcome for the worst.” I pointed out quietly as calm was restored. “You don’t know, you never will. The only thing you have to be sure of is that you fought on the side of good for the right reasons and it will be worth… No, not worth it that’s not right, but in a way it will make up for the sacrifices.”
He let out a deep breath and walked away, not in frustration or anger this time. He needed time to think as I had finally got through to him. He circled the room some more while I found some lumps of stone to act as a hard seat and glazed out beyond the fort to across the river and to the woodland. It was a good view now there was opening to see it. Golden sunlight poured in and was warm and a comfort.
After a little while Arthur dragged over his own bit of wall to sit on. We said nothing more for what seemed like a very long time.
Our reflection and shared grief was finally interrupted by the door being swung open wide and Kay stepping through. “He’s here father!” He called at the top of his voice back behind him, destroying the respectful silence in place. Then he looked towards me and grinned. “And I think by what’s left of him, my missing squire as well.”
I looked at Arthur and he nodded once back. It was a reply that told me he was going
to be alright and I guess it was time for him to continue in his new world as it was mine.
“Why is he here, I thought he would be getting ready.” Ector grumbled coming in from behind Kay and I thought he meant me for second.
“No I just needed some space.” Arthur steadfastly declared to them both and getting up.
“There’s too much of it in here now by the looks of it.” Kay commented looking around the room.
I was suddenly confused and had to interrupt. “Wait, I was told you had just left this room, but you haven’t been here at all?” I questioned.
Both Kay and Arthur looked at me confused and bemused, before Kay smiled again as he leaned over to Arthur. “What’s he on about Art? And were you ever this disrespectful when you were my squire, I don’t even get a greeting or any appreciation that I still live!”
“I didn’t exactly have long as your squire Kay to be respectful to you. I just lost your sword remember!” Arthur pointed out lightly.
“Good point.” Kay agreed.
Not sure of Kay’s humour I wasn’t sure what to do, but went for the safe option.
“Sorry my leig…” I began.
“No, no,” Kay spoke over me, “No need to start now because I understand you better now. You’re someone who likes to seek out danger, disobeys instructions, rebels at everything and sees imaginary bears patrolling the battlefield.”
My eyes widened in surprise as it dawned Kay knew, he knew everything! Merlin had hinted of a story to tell and now I knew what it was.
“What bears!?” Arthur asked looking now puzzled at both Kay and I.
“Oh.” I could only answer quietly with fear of what was to come.
“It’s true,” Ector added not looking at anyone particular, “What was it, Tor the bear, I think it was.”
“What I’m a joke!” I blurted out forgetting my place, but I would realised later I was at this moment taking my first steps in becoming part of Arthur’s family and accepted as such by Ector and Kay.
The Knight Behind the Pillar Page 32
