“Yeah, I love it, and all my teammates are super cool. If we make it to regionals, we get to go to New York,” Anna says, barely containing her excitement.
“That’s great, Anna, I’m glad you found something you really enjoy and that you’re making some friends. You look good, too. Swimming must really agree with you. What about you, Zack, what have you been up to?” Dad looks to his only son, their matching blue eyes glistening under the fluorescent lights.
“Not much. I’ve been studying the driver’s manual so, hopefully, I can get my permit in a few weeks.”
“Oh yeah, the big fifteen is coming up. And look at how tall you’ve gotten! I barely recognized you. I feel like you’ve all changed so much.” Dad grabs Mom’s hand and gives her a loving smile. I see a tear slide down his cheek and it’s obvious he needs a moment to compose himself. After a few seconds, he turns to me. “Alex, What have you been up to? I bet you have a ton of new friends.”
“I have a few,” I tell him, looking down at the table and picking at a chipped piece of rusted metal.
“You do not, Alex,” Anna pipes in. “She barely leaves the house, Dad. I finally got her out for the first time yesterday.”
I want to yell at her, tell her to shut her big mouth, but I don’t want to ruin our first visit with Dad, so I sit there quietly and continue looking at the table, contemplating ways to strangle Anna in her sleep.
“Well, that’s okay,” Dad responds as he reaches for my hand. “Sometimes we just need to take some time for ourselves, especially after a big change.” He gives my hand a squeeze before letting go.
We spend the rest of the visit playing board games and chatting. I see Mom and Dad share several loving glances and I have to fight back the tears on more than one occasion. Before I know it, it’s time to leave. Mom, Anna, and Zack say their goodbyes, but when it’s my turn Dad asks the others if he can have a minute alone with me. They tell him goodbye one more time and head out the door. It closes loudly, sealing us in the room.
Other families are standing and leaving their loved ones, but Dad sits back down at the table and motions for me to do the same.
“What’s really going on, Alex?” Dad has always known when I wasn’t being completely honest so it doesn’t surprise me, in the least, that he knew something was up.
“Nothing. I just missed you and I hate that you’re in here because of me.”
“Alex, you have to quit beating yourself up over this. If I had to go back and do it all over again, I would. It’s better that I’m in here and not you. You have so much going for you and there was no way I was going to let you lose all of that. I’m strong, I can handle this, but if I had to sit back and watch you suffer through this, it would have killed me. It’s better this way, it’s not like I’m going to be in here forever. With good behavior, I could be out in a year or so.”
“I know all of that, Dad, but, God, it just sucks, and—” I pause mid-sentence. Am I sure I want to tell him what’s been going on? I know that was one of my reasons for wanting to rush out here and see him, but I don’t want him to fret, especially since there’s nothing he can do, considering he’s going to be locked away for who knows how long. And do I really want to ruin what was a wonderful visit? But I need to know I’m not alone in this. I need to know there’s nothing to worry about, and I need to know there’s no possible way someone could know what actually took place that day.
“And what, Alex?”
“It’s just that stuff has been happening, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m scared, Daddy.” My voice cracks, betraying me.
“What kind of stuff?” He leans closer. I look around, afraid someone might hear me. Dad lightly touches my shoulder. “It’s fine, Alex, no one can hear us.”
“Well, I got some threatening letters yesterday, and today someone sent me a cell phone that had a picture of the wreck. I’m worried someone knows the truth.” By this point, I am shaking from head to toe and the tears are coursing down my face as if a dam has just been released.
“Alex, honey, no one knows. I made sure of that. It’s probably some jackass kid from back home trying to stir up some shit. Just ignore it and eventually they will get tired of not gaining a reaction and leave you alone. But just to be on the safe side, why don’t you tell Mom?”
“What?” I say a little too loudly, earning me a few warning glances from the guards. Crap, I have got to be more careful. I lower my voice. “I can’t tell Mom, I’d have to tell her everything and we promised we wouldn’t, Dad. She’ll hate me and then I won’t have anyone.” I’m starting to panic now, my breaths barely filling my lungs, and I feel like the room is starting to close in on me, the walls slowing inching their way closer and closer.
“Alex, breathe, honey! You’re fine. It will all be fine. Your mother will understand, and I know for a fact she would have done the exact same thing as me. How about this? I’ll call tomorrow and talk to her first. I won’t be able to go into any details because the calls are monitored, but I’ll try to prepare her for it. I think it’s time she knows. At least then you’ll have someone on the outside who has your back, someone who can look out for you and be there for you while I can’t.”
“Inmates, back to your cells,” a guard yells over the intercom, his voice bouncing off the cinderblock walls.
“I have to go, but trust me, Alex, this is what needs to be done.” He gives me one more hug and a kiss on the forehead. “I love you.”
A guard quickly handcuffs Dad while another attaches his shackles, then they escort him back through the door. I stand there for a moment, watching Dad disappear down the hallway until the doors close. I finally force myself to pull it together and head toward the exit.
THE SILENCE IN THE CAR is unbearable, and the drive home seems endless, but we finally make it. No one asked why Dad wanted me to stay back, thank God. They probably just assumed he was giving me a lecture about getting out and making new friends. We are all exhausted, both physically and emotionally, so as soon as we get inside we say goodnight and head to our rooms. I stop by Zack’s room on my way to the stairs and poke my head in. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, his hands resting on his knees, eyes fixed, staring at the wall.
“You okay?” I ask, leaning my shoulder on the doorjamb.
“I’m fine.” He says rudely without looking at me. He stands and makes his way over, but instead of coming to talk, like I expect, he kicks the door, closing it in my face.
I stare at the door, contemplating knocking, but decide against it. He’s tired and upset, just like the rest of us. In the morning, I’ll try to talk to him again. I walk into the bedroom ahead of Anna and see the cell phone still lying on the bed where I left it. I rush over and slip it under my pillow, hoping she doesn’t see me, and notice that the display says I have two new messages. I break out in a cold sweat just imagining what those texts might say. I can’t exactly read them with Anna in the room, so I leave the phone where it is, safely hidden out of sight, and go into the bathroom to get ready for bed.
When I come out a few minutes later, Anna is sitting on my bed, the phone cradled in her hands. My heart flies up to my throat. Crap, what do I do? What do I say? How do I explain the picture? God only knows what the person sent this time. Shit! I stand there for I don’t even know how long, frozen and numb, like I’ve been given a full-body Novocain injection. I don’t have a clue how to handle this situation. I was so not prepared for this. I was hoping to keep all of this from her. To save her from the heartache of the truth. Hell, I was hoping to keep all of this from everyone. Damn it, what am I supposed to do? Finally, Anna stands up and faces me, her eyes burning with her unspoken rage.
“What the hell is this?” she says in a clipped tone, thrusting the phone in my face. I slowly take it from her, my hands trembling, and read the message she has pulled up on the screen.
Little Alex appears to be blameless,
but I know the truth. Wonder who else wants to know?
Who is doing this to me? There’s no way someone could know what took place that day. Dad made sure of that. He forced me to leave and made sure no one was around to see witness what I did. I send up a silent prayer. God, I don’t know what to do, please help me.
“That’s not all, read the next one,” she tells me impatiently.
I scroll to the next message.
I hope Daddy dearest is doing well. You think he’ll continue with the lie once the truth comes out and your innocent reputation is tarnished?
“I assume you’ve already seen the other one—the photo. That’s your car in the picture. That’s the wreck Dad was in. So, tell me right now what’s going on, Alex!”
What do I tell her? If I tell her the truth, she’ll hate me. She’ll blame me for everything. I deserve it, though. It is all my fault, after all. Dad going to jail, a life taken way too soon, another person left permanently damaged, a family changed forever, our family having to uproot ourselves and start over. Yes, I deserve to be blamed, I deserve to be yelled at, and I deserve to be punished. To hell with it all. I am sick and tired of this lie. I’m tired of living alone with this guilt eating away at me. I can’t do it anymore. I just want it to be over. I want to go to sleep tonight and wake up to this all being a horrible dream. I’m still heavily engaged in my own internal babble when Anna grabs my shoulders and starts shaking me.
“Tell me now, Alex! What the hell is going on?”
“Fine!” I say, not unkindly. “But let’s get Mom, she needs to hear this, too.” This is it. I’m about to throw myself into the lion’s den. I just hope I come out of this with a smidge of self-respect left, but more than anything, I hope they don’t hate me once they know what I did, and what I allowed Dad to do.
Anna enters Mom’s bedroom with me dragging a few paces behind her. Mom is coming out of her bathroom dressed in one of Dad’s old oversized Hilldale Police Force shirts. Her hair is pulled back and her face is scrubbed clean of makeup. She looks so young and sad. God, I hate that I have to tell her this. I love her so much and I can’t imagine how she is going to react. Please don’t let her hate me.
“What’s up, girls?” Mom asks, dumping her clothes into the brown wicker laundry basket sitting by her bathroom door.
“Apparently, Alex has some secret she’s been keeping from everyone and she’s going to finally fill us in. Isn’t that right, Alex?” Anna is glaring at me, her eyes like icy daggers piercing my soul, but it’s nothing compared to the way she and Mom will be looking at me once they know the truth.
“Alex, you’re as white as a ghost, honey. What’s wrong? Here, sit down.” Mom walks me toward the bed but I pull away from her.
“No, I can’t sit down. I’m fine, but I need to be up. I need to be moving. I just…I can’t be still right now.” My body is soaked with nervous sweat and I’m probably frighteningly close to having a stress-induced heart attack, but I have to do this. I should have done this when it happened. I should have never let it go on this long.
“What in the world is going on?” Mom looks at Anna and then back to me, her eyes wide with concern.
“You’re both going to hate me once you hear what I have to say, but I’m tired of the lies.” I am visibly upset now, tears stream down my face at an excessive rate, and my chest rises and falls with my labored breaths.
“Alex, sweetie, just tell me what it is so we can deal with it. Nothing could ever make me hate you, so stop thinking that.” I can see Mom growing more and more concerned with every minute that passes. I can no longer delay the inevitable.
“You two have a seat, and just know that I love you both very much and if I could go back and change everything, I would.”
Mom and Anna perch on the edge of the bed holding hands while I pace around the room. “Fuck,” I whisper to myself. Here it is. This is where my life ends.
“THE ACCIDENT WASN’T DAD’S FAULT. It was mine.”
“What do you mean it was your fault?” Mom asks, her face displaying her shock. “You weren’t even there.”
“I was there. I was driving, not Dad.”
I hear Anna and Mom’s simultaneous gasp, but they say nothing, so I continue. “I had just left school after meeting Jake. We had plans to go out, but his mom called and needed him home. He was going to text me later so we could meet up. I was driving home when he texted to say he wouldn’t be able to hang out with me. I was mad that he’d bailed on me again, and I didn’t want to wait until I got home to respond.” My voice begins to crack as a lump, the size of a basketball, builds in my throat. “I was in the middle of texting and I must have veered into the other lane.” I risk a glance at Mom and Anna. They are both staring at me, their eyes wide as saucers and glistening with tears. I hate this, but force myself to keep going. “I didn’t notice until it was too late. I hit the other car head on.” I swallow and take a deep, shuttering breath. “It happened so fast. I only took my eyes off the road for a second. I didn’t mean to hit them, I swear!” I stop, needing a moment to settle my rattled nerves. The sounds of shattering glass and metal slamming against metal slices at my ears, taking me back to that day. “I was fine,” I begin again, ignoring the flashes of blood and mangled cars that keep trying to push their way forth. “Nothing hurt and I didn’t notice any injuries so I jumped out of the car to check on the people in the other vehicle. There was smoke spilling out of the hoods of both our cars and glass was scattered all over the road.” I remember the glass crackling under my shoes as I raced over to the crumpled remains of the car. “The driver had blood running down his face.” I can still see it dripping from his chin and staining his shirt. “I yelled at him and tried to open his door but it wouldn’t budge. I don’t know if it was locked or stuck, but it just wouldn’t open.”
My breaths are coming in short puffs now, making it hard to talk, and the lump in my throat is getting bigger with every word I say. My eyes burn with the steady stream of tears, but I keep going. I can’t stop now. “I ran over to the other side of the car and did the same thing but that door wouldn’t open either. They were both unconscious. I banged my fists on the windows trying to get them to wake up but they didn’t.” I hear Mom gulp and Anna sniffle, but I keep talking. I’m scared if I stop now, I won’t be able to start again. “I don’t know why I didn’t call nine-one-one. I guess I just panicked, but I called Dad instead. He was on the same road headed home, and showed up not two minutes later. He grabbed my stuff out of the car, handed me his keys, and told me to go home, that he would handle it. He told me that if anyone asked, I should say we switched cars earlier in the day so he could take mine to get the oil changed. He practically forced me into his and told me I needed to get to the doctor to get my face looked at. I didn’t know what he was talking about at the time, I thought my face was fine, but when I got home I realized that I had a black eye and a cut on my forehead. It wasn’t bad, and I was able to hide it with makeup, so no one even noticed. I tried to argue with Dad, I tried refusing to leave, but he wouldn’t let me stay. He just kept saying that he wouldn’t let this ruin my life. So, I got in his car and went home. I didn’t realize how bad it was. How bad they were hurt. It wasn’t until that evening, when you got the call from Dad that I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I had no idea he was going to be arrested. And then, I watched the news that night and learned the driver had died and his son would likely never walk again. If I had known all that, I never would have let Dad take the fall, I swear. It’s entirely my fault, and I wish I could go back and change it all. God, I’m so sorry.”
I’m kneeling on the floor bawling—and I mean chest heaving, nose running, gut twisting cries. I’m letting it out. I never really cried after the accident. I held everything in and tried to put on a strong façade, but tonight all the emotions and all the pain I’ve held back for so long come tumbling out in heart wrenching sobs. “I’m so sorry,�
�� I tell them again. “I’ve wanted to tell you for so long. I just didn’t know how, and Dad made me promise not to. Then, as time passed, I figured there was no reason to bring it up, so I just kept it to myself. I know you hate me now, and I don’t blame you. I hate myself. I am so sorry.”
I keep sobbing my apology until I feel, more than see, someone kneeling beside me. I wipe my eyes and nose with my sleeve and force my eyes up to look up at Mom. Her eyes are swollen and bloodshot and her chest moves rapidly with her silent cries. She places her hand on mine and pulls me into a hug. I know I’m snotting all over her shirt, but right now I don’t care. I need to feel her comfort and love to get me through this.
Tightly enveloped in her arms, I revel in her warmth. I drink in the unique smell of her pineapple shampoo and the milk bath she sometimes soaks in to relieve stress. I can’t remember the last time I let her hold me like this. I’m sure it was when I was little and was positive I was going to die from a scraped knee or something. And, like it did when I was younger, her warmth and smell help soothe me. When she pulls back, my tears have subsided, but I am left with those horrible sobbing spasms. She rubs her hand over my hair, which is surely matted with sweat, tears, and definitely snot.
“Listen to me, Alex. I don’t hate you. I hate the situation, but I don’t hate you. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could ever make me hate you.”
“Well, I hate you!” Anna shouts as she jumps up off the bed and stomps over to where Mom and I are curled on the floor, still wrapped in our embrace. I forgot she was here. “You do something stupid and careless and now we are all suffering from the consequences. And Dad, my God, Alex, you let him go to jail for something you did. It should be you in there, not him. How could you be so stupid and irresponsible? Did you ever even stop to think about what it would do to our family? No, of course not, cause all you ever think about is yourself!”
Grave Little Secrets Page 7
