by Baker, LJ
"Andi, I need to know that you'll be okay."
"You're the one who's sick. I'm fine."
He pulled my hand into his and pulled his lips together. "You know what I mean."
I did know what he meant and I was so not going to be okay.
"You want me to tell you that I'll be just fine after you're dead? That I will go on with my life and everything will be great?"
"Yes."
I tumbled off him and dropped my head into my hands. He was dying and he was worried about me. I wanted to be able to give him what he needed and tell him somehow I'd survive, but I couldn't bring myself to lie to him. The truth was, I didn't know if I would be okay. I'd survived so many losses since the outbreak and each one took a piece of me away. Losing Will would leave a hole so big that I wasn't sure how I could ever recover.
"Andi, I know how hard this is for you—"
"No. You don't." Anger washed over me and I raised my voice. "I'm not the one infected and I don't pretend to know how you feel, but don't tell me you know how I do. Just try to think about how you might feel if this were reversed.... then multiply it by a thousand. And that's still not bad enough." My hands trembled and I tried not to take it out on him, but I failed. My emotions twisted together and went from sad to angry, to furious, to I didn't even know what. Confusion swirled with grief making my head spin.
I imagined losing Will enough times to know that imagining it couldn't compare to the reality of actually knowing it was about to happen.
"I'm sorry. You're right. What I do know is how it feels to know I can't be here with you. I can't protect you... can't know you will be safe. I'm not only losing you, but... leaving you behind and that... is so much more painful than death."
Will was getting winded, struggling for enough air to talk. He rubbed his temples and winced.
"I'm sorry." Watching him struggle to breathe forced my anger down and paved the way for sadness, helplessness, and a few other emotions I couldn't even name at that moment.
"Please don't be sorry, babe. This isn't your fault. Dan and I were the idiots yelling out there." He took a breath and paused. "We practically called them over."
"Maybe you should rest." I didn't want to miss a single second of time with him, but he was tired and in pain.
He shifted and the quilt slid off his arm. The scratch was red and swollen, much worse than just a short time before. A thick yellow-green pus oozed up in bubbles from the center. The virus spread fast, amplifying symptoms that might normally take days in other illnesses, to only hours.
"We should probably cover that."
Will nodded. I hopped onto the crutches and went to get a bandage and some antibacterial ointment. Dan was sitting on a stool in the back room next to the medical cabinet.
***
"I thought you were going to sleep?"
"I tried." He took a sharp breath in and let it out slow.
"So you thought you'd sit back here alone instead?"
"I don't know. I guess. I didn't want to intrude. I figured you two needed the time alone before the hallucinations started."
My heart clenched. I didn't want to think about that stage. I couldn't. I'd seen it before and it was never easy. Watching Will go through it would break me into a million pieces and I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to put them back together.
"I know you don't want to think about it, but it's going to happen. You have to prepare yourself." He brought his eyes up to meet mine, pleading with me.
"How? How do you prepare yourself to watch the person you love most in this world die a horrible death?" I struggled to keep my voice down, not wanting to alert Will.
"It doesn't have to be that way, sweetheart. He doesn't have to suffer."
"What are you talking about? Of course he's going to suffer. You know the stages as well as I do." Anger started to build inside me again and my fingers went numb.
Dan took a deep breath and looked up into my eyes. "Yes. I know the stages, but there's no reason he needs to go through them all. Andi, you know what I'm talking about."
I didn't at first, but all at once it hit me. He was talking about killing Will long before he turned. All the oxygen in my lungs left in one swoosh and my stomach twisted around itself.
"Why would you even say that?" The crutches fell to the floor with a thud and I leaned on the cabinet for balance. I fought back the urge to once again punch him.
"Because it's more humane. I know you don't want to lose him love, but he is going to die and there's no reason to make him suffer."
He was looking at me like I was being irrational and completely in denial. Will wasn't some old dog that needed to be put down.
"You don't know that he can't fight this. I've heard stories of people surviving infection. How do you know he can't do it?"
Dan stood and wrapped his arms around me. I struggled to push him off, but he pulled me in tight and held my face against his chest. "Those are just urban legends. Nobody survives this. He's not going to get well just because you can't let go."
I managed to get my arms between us as I balanced on my one good foot and tried my best to punch at his chest. He loosened his grip and let me hit him. He took my punches and repeated, "I'm so sorry," several times. His voice cracked and I knew he was holding back tears.
I punched at his chest until my knuckles ached and I collapsed on the floor in tears. Dan sat down on the cold cement and scooped me into his lap, while I sobbed against him. It wasn't fair. Everything was falling apart around me and I had no idea what the hell to do.
Dan sat with me until I calmed down, then took the bandages and ointment into the other room to take care of Will's scratch. I used the time to splash some cold water on my face and get myself together. I wanted Will to be strong, but I needed to be strong too. I needed to be there for him through this, like he would be for me.
***
When I returned to the living area, Dan was sitting on the coffee table in front of Will, telling him some story about Janet. Will was smiling and looked relaxed. It was as if the two were old pals just having a chat.
If we had time, I knew they would have become good friends. If it wasn't for me, they already would have been. As much as they were different, they were alike and I couldn't help but smile a little seeing them together like that.
I sat down next to Will and snuggled up against his side. "Doctor Dan got you all cleaned up, I see." I pasted a smile on my face to match Will's and tried to look positive.
Will glanced down at the bandage that covered the scratch. "Yep. Good as new." He was gripping a small bottle with a squeeze dropper in his hand.
"What's that?" I sat upright and looked to Will, then Dan. I hadn't given it to him and he certainly didn't get it himself.
Will smiled and his eyelids dropped a little. "Just a little vitamin M."
I poked at Dan's boot with a crutch to get him to look at me. "Is he stoned?"
"It's morphine. Babe, he's in pain. Or, he was in pain."
I looked back at Will, who was still smiling and clutching the little amber bottle. "Should he have the whole thing?"
Will leaned his head on my shoulder and looked up at me with ridiculous puppy dog eyes. "You don't trust me?"
"Of course I trust you." If my eyes could have shot daggers at Dan, they would have impaled him a hundred times.
Dan held his hand out to Will for the bottle. "Well she might trust you, but she's right dude. Hand it over before you start seeing little forest creatures prancing around the room and accidentally take an extra dose."
Will dropped the bottle into Dan's palm and draped his arm over me. "I like forest creatures," he whispered.
I stroked his hair and watched him fall asleep with his head in my lap. Dan moved off the coffee table and took the seat next to me on the couch.
"Maybe we should have let him keep the morphine."
I narrowed my eyes and glared at him. "So he can kill himself?"
"So he doesn't have to suffer
. Look, I'll back you up no matter what, but if that were me, I really hope you wouldn't let me suffer through the whole process." He nudged me in the side with his elbow. "But you know, just like Will, if that's what you needed, I would."
"You would what?"
"I would suffer through, till the bitter end. If it made it easier for you. You know that's what Will is going to do too, right?"
"Look, I know you think I'm being selfish and that I should just let him go before it gets bad, but I can't. I... can't." The words burned in my throat and barely made it out of my mouth.
I couldn't let go of that tiny sliver of hope that he could beat this. Even if it was an urban legend, I needed it to be possible. No matter how slim the chances. It had to be possible for some people to survive.
Dan took my hand into his and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I know. I'll be quiet about it, for now. But you know we are going to have to talk about this again. It's going to get bad, sweetheart. I know you know that."
There was hardly a person alive that didn't know the process from beginning to end by that point. Scratches were slower than bites, but the process was the same. Fever, pain, hallucinations, agitation, seizures, unconsciousness, and even some floating back and forth between them, but in the end, the result was the same. They turned. Death. But not really. It was something so much worse.
The process was something most people saw at least once. After that, you did what Dan wanted to do to Will. You put them out of their misery. I'd done it myself to others who were infected. Usually, they begged for it to be over. When they didn't, you wished they had. But you did it anyway.
Will wasn't at that point. He wasn't begging for it to be over. Maybe when he did, I would feel differently. I took a deep breath and relaxed my hand in Dan's. My anger toward him was misplaced. It wasn't his fault any of this happened and he was only trying to do what was in Will's best interest, in his eyes, but we weren't on the same page.
"Look, I get what you're saying, but we aren't there yet. And it's not just because it's Will. If it were you, I'd feel the same way. We just aren't there yet."
Dan propped his feet up on the coffee table, yawned and rested his head against me. "Okay, love. Whatever you want to do is what we'll do."
"But you think I'm wrong."
"No, babe. I think you're in pain." He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it. "I have no right to decide what's right or wrong for you. If it were you that was infected... I would probably feel the same way."
CHAPTER THREE
I dozed for a couple hours and when I woke, Will was struggling to free himself of the blanket.
"What the hell is this shit?" Arms and legs kicked, pulled, flew through the air. He tangled himself further and grunted in frustration.
"Will, calm down. It's just a blanket. Here, let me help you." I pulled the quilt back and turned up the lantern so he could see everything was okay.
He looked around, confused. "Where are we?"
"We're in the basement. We're home." I moved the light around so he could see the room better. "See?"
The light fell over the living room, casting a glow along chair and couch where we sat, the bookcases near the door and the entryway to the kitchen. Everything the way it belonged.
Home.
Dan sat up to see what was going on. "He okay?"
"He? Like I'm not even here? You're not rid of me yet shithead." Will stood and almost fell over the coffee table.
Dan shot up and grabbed his arm to keep him on his feet. "Whoa there. Let's keep you off the floor."
Will looked at Dan in the dim light, his head tilted to one side, eyes glazed over. "Dan?"
"Yeah, buddy. It's me."
Will touched his face as if to make sure it was really him. "I was wondering where you went. I couldn't find anyone."
"I'm right here. I won't go anywhere again."
Will draped his arm around Dan's neck and accepted the help to support his weight.
It broke my heart to watch the exchange between them. I swallowed the lump in my throat and climbed around Dan so he could help Will without me in the way. Every beat of my heart ached deep in my chest and reminded me of the size hole that would soon be part of me forever.
Will tangled his hands in the back of Dan's hair and yanked his head around to look at him. "Have you met Andi?"
Dan fought back a smile, but the corners of his lips curved up slightly against his efforts. "Yeah, Will. I've met her."
"I think I might like her." He brought one finger to his lips as if it was a secret.
Dan held back a laugh. "Yes. I think you do."
Will grabbed Dan's shirt and held on way too tight, wobbling back and forth. "Do you know if she's seeing anyone?"
"Nope, she's all yours. How ya feeling?"
"Tired. Really tired." Will slumped down and Dan caught him under his arms and lifted him back up.
"Why don't we get you into bed then?"
Will nodded and Dan helped him walk to the bedroom and get settled. I stayed on the couch a few moments and tried to scrub the scene from my mind. Will was already out of it. Partly from the morphine and partly from the infection, but for whatever reason, he could barely even stand on his own.
Dan returned from the bedroom several minutes later and stood in the doorway of the living area. "He's asleep again, but someone should stay with him. You want me to?"
Part of me never wanted to leave his side, but the thought of watching him like that just wrecked me. Guilt washed over me with my selfishness. I pushed it back and did what Will would do. "No. I'll stay with him."
"Andi, it's okay not to want to see him that way. He wouldn't want you to. I can stay with him." He came over, sat in front of me, and took my hands in his. "It's only going to get worse."
I knew he was right and as much as I didn't want to witness Will's decline, I had to be there. I couldn't leave him when it mattered most, just because it was hard.
I slipped my hands from Dan's and stood. "It has to be me."
"Why? Let me help."
There was a crash in the other room and I froze. Dan left me there and went to take care of Will. I wasn't sure I could handle it before things even got really bad. How I would manage later, when it was worse, was more than I could let myself think about.
I took a deep breath and played happy memories in my mind, trying to block out the horrors that awaited us. It was the only way through this messed up world without completely breaking.
After a few minutes, it was quiet in the bedroom and I forced myself to take the steps back there and see how things were.
Dan was sitting on a chair next to the bed while Will slept peacefully. It reminded me of Will sitting in that same chair when he got me back after I'd been kidnapped. He was so worried that he looked like he was going to implode.
Now it was my turn.
"He knocked over those vampire books and panicked. He's fine now," Dan whispered.
I hobbled over and climbed into bed with him. I snuggled up against his chest and pulled his arm over me, for what I hoped, wouldn't be the last time. I took a deep breath against him, soaking in his scent and tried to ignore the putrid stench coming up from the bandage on his arm.
***
The next time I woke up, light was shining through the glass block windows in the basement. Dan was no longer in the chair and Will was sitting up watching me sleep.
"Hey sleepyhead." He smiled and swiped some stray hairs off my face.
For a moment, I thought everything was just a bad dream. Will was fine and I probably just had some bad flu that made me hallucinate or something. Then reality kicked in and I noticed the burning heat coming off his body next to me.
"Your fever is bad again." I pushed myself up and got a better look at him.
"Yeah. Dan brought me some more ibuprofen a little while ago."
"Where is Dan?"
"Cooking, I think. He said you didn't eat yesterday."
"Food is the last thing on
my mind." I shifted against him and he winced in pain. "You need more morphine?"
"Soon. I wanna be clear for a little longer." He looked around the room and blinked his eyes hard. "As clear as I can be anyway. I'm assuming there's not really a waterfall in the corner."
He was having hallucinations again and his pain was increasing. His progression was slower than a bite, but staying on track, maybe even a little fast. I couldn't believe that it had only been yesterday morning that we thought everything was going to be all right.
"I wish there was. I should give you more antibiotics." I grabbed one of the crutches that were propped against the night stand and went to stand.
"Hold on." Will reached for me, but dropped his hand before he could reach. "Don't go."
"I just want to get the meds. I'll be right back."
"Andi..." Will took a labored breath and closed his eyes. "Please."
I sat back down on the bed as close to him as I could without putting any pressure on him. He laid his hand on top of mine and smiled.
"We never finished our conversation yesterday."
I was surprised he even remembered. "Didn't we?"
"You know that we didn't." Will thought for a moment, then raised his head a little to look at me. "Right?"
He had just enough of his faculties to know he might have forgotten.
"Right. You don't need to worry about me. I'm going to be fine." Watching him suffer over the last hours made it easier to lie. I couldn't let him die worrying about me.
Will let out a small laugh and closed his eyes again. "I know when you're lying, babe. Look, I know you care about Dan." He took a few breaths before he continued. "And he will look out for you."
"Will—"
"Just let me finish." His hand slipped off mine and I could tell he didn't have the energy to return it. "I'm okay with it."
"With what?"
"You and Dan."
"Will, don't be an idiot. You're the one I love."
"And when I'm not here... you'll fall in..." His eyes closed and his head fell to the side. The slow rise and fall of his chest was the only evidence that he was still alive.
