by Baker, LJ
***
The stark reality of daylight flooded the room as I struggled to open my eyes. They were still swollen from crying and partially crusted together. I rubbed at them to free my lashes and allow them to open, and saw Will sitting on the bed beside me.
"You should have woke me."
"You looked peaceful."
Will raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips. "On a chair?"
I pulled myself to an upright position and tucked the journal under the blanket, out of sight. "Okay, so I wanted to be alone."
"Andi, I totally get that, but I woke up and didn't find you. Then I check our room and you weren't there either."
"I'm sorry." I glanced down and knew he was right.
Will lifted the corner of the blanket and glanced at the journal. "He would have known where to look for you."
He was right. Dan just got me. He knew me better than I knew myself. Better than Will probably ever would.
"I wish I could make this easier for you." He sighed and looked away.
"You do. You make everything better. It hurts that Dan's gone. I won't lie. But if it had been you…" I choked back the lump in my throat and tried not to let that thought sink too far in.
He pulled me into his arms and buried his face in my hair. "I love you so much."
"I love you too."
***
Part of me wanted to leave Dan's room the way it was, untouched as he'd left it, but the part of me unable to let go insisted on dragging his stuff down the hall to my room. His pack weighed nearly close to what I did, so actually picking it up was out of the question. Will tried to help, but for some reason, I had to do it myself.
Will insisted that I come to breakfast, but the thought of food made my stomach turn. I couldn't even remember when I'd last eaten. I pictured the face Dan would have given me for not taking better care of myself, right before he would have cooked me something and insisted I eat.
Mira set a dish of eggs down in front of me and gave me a sad smile. "Try to eat something."
I nodded and forced a smile back at her, because what else could I do? I could cry and mourn, but none of it would bring him back. I picked up the fork, stabbed a few bits of food, and slid them into my mouth. They tasted exactly like the eggs Mira made almost every morning, but to my tongue, it was cardboard. Empty. Tasteless. But it was a step in the right direction.
"Who's gonna cook now when Mira gets too fat?" Jenny asked.
"Excuse me?" Mira raised an eyebrow at the girl and rubbed her belly. "I'm pregnant, not getting fat, and I can cook just fine with a baby in my stomach."
"So, it won't be Andi, right?" Jenny ducked before Mira could slap her. "Just saying." She shrugged and got up from the table.
Jay stood in front of her and gave her what Mira liked to call the stare down, before she turned back and walked over to me.
"I'm sorry. It's just that Dan was a really good cook." Tears filled her little blue eyes. "I'm gonna miss him." She flung herself down on me and wrapped her arms around my body. Precious nipped at my shoe and barked in protection of the girl.
"I know honey, me too. Anyway, you're right, he was an awesome cook and I suck."
She lifted her small face and looked into my eyes. "You sort of do."
I couldn't help but laugh at her and I knew Dan would have done the same.
Jenny kissed my cheek, grabbed Izzy's hand, and headed outside to work on her chores. Just like she had the day before. She looked around cautiously before moving from the doorway, looked back at us, and left. My stomach dropped and I had to push my thoughts from my mind.
"Andi," Jay started and put a hand on my shoulder. "I was thinking about burying the rest of the remains. There's an old cemetery back behind the fields."
"Actually, can we bury him near where he is now? By the rock?"
"Of course. Anywhere you'd like."
"I think he'd like that better. I mean, if everyone else is okay with it. It's not just up to me."
"It kind of is, babe. Dan was your best friend. You were closest to him, so that makes it exactly up to you." Will took my hand and rubbed his thumb over my palm. "I can make him a marker for the grave. Do you know his birthday?"
I nodded. "February nineteenth. He would have been Twenty-Three."
Far too young to be gone.
"All right then. I'm gonna get to it. Will, can you give me a hand?" Jay stepped to the door and paused for Will's answer.
"Okay if I go?" Will waited, to make sure I didn't need him, even thought I was sure he knew my answer already.
"Yeah, of course."
Once the room was clear of everyone but me and Mira, she slid her chair closer to mine and rested her chin in her hand that was propped up on her elbow. "Now what?"
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Now, I guess, we go on. When we were back at the basement and I was watching those savages torture him, all I could think was he's gonna die and how I couldn't go on without him in my life."
"And now?"
I leaned back in the chair and let some of the tension leave me. "Now, I… I don't know. I'm still breathing. I have Will, and I have great friends. But it hurts. It's a pain so deep that I know it will never go away. "
"He wouldn't have wanted you to curl up and give in either though. That boy loved you. Like that crazy I'd-die-for-you kind of love. He would want you to be okay."
"I know he would. Ya know, before we came back here, him and I had a long talk. I was feeling kind of hopeless, like everything I wanted for my life was no longer possible, just forever out of reach. So he asked me what I wanted before the outbreak, ya know, how I saw my life going.
All those things that were important to me before, they're all still possible. I didn't get that. I might never have gotten that, without him. He had this way of showing you the good in everything. Even when you thought it wasn't anything more than an unobtainable pipe dream, he made you believe it was possible."
Mira smiled and patted the top of my hand. "He was a special guy."
He absolutely was.
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
It would be a lie to say that the days following Dan's death weren't too unbearable. Because they were just that. One minute I was sobbing, inconsolable, and the next, resolved to look forward, stay positive. It was a roller coaster of emotions and something needed to give, to let me off.
When Derek's truck pulled up and I saw him hop out to greet Jay at the gate, it was the first time in days that I'd felt a genuine smile. That was until I realized I had to recount that horrible story and tell him what happened to Dan. I did my best to push that thought from my mind for that moment, and jogged over to give him a proper welcome.
As soon as I got close, I noticed he wasn't alone. Hadley hopped out from the back seat of the truck and opened the door in front to reveal my one-legged, gray-haired, old friend. Jack. I'd missed that grumpy old man more than I had words for.
Before I could make it to the truck, Hadley noticed me and took off running in my direction. I was afraid she would trample me and knock me to the ground in her excitement, so I stopped in my tracks to wait for her to reach me.
"Andi! I am so happy to see you." She flung her arms around me and squeezed so hard I thought my ribs would crack. Her enthusiasm was painful, but it did make me smile.
"I'm really glad you're here, Hadley. It's been a difficult week, so a few familiar faces are good."
She released me and stared up at me with big, sad eyes. "I have heard about Dan. I am so sorry for you. He was a very nice boy."
"How did you hear already? You only just arrived." I couldn't imagine Jay blurting that out as soon as they pulled up. "Wait, did you have a vision about—"
"No, no. Nothing like that at all. Will told Derek over the radio. I did not know this would happen. I am sorry I could not see it." She frowned and looked down at her feet.
"There's nothing you could have done even if you had. Don't feel bad."
She flipped he
r head up, her eyes sparkled, no longer sad. "I do have very good news."
"You mean besides you and Jack being here?"
"Yes." She beamed. "We are staying. Forever."
I looked at her confused, almost not able to believe the words that came out of her. Jay, Derek, and Jack made their way over to us, with Jack grumbling the whole way.
"I think you'll need to clear that with Jay and Mira first. I know I told you that you could stay when we were back at my house, but I don't have that authority here." I wasn't sure what Jay would think of my two odd friends.
"Do not worry, Andi. Derek said it has already been worked out. We are allowed to stay."
I looked up and met Jay's eyes. He was smiling and gave me a quick nod, confirming what Hadley said. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged.
"Hey now, I'm the one you should be hugging. I traveled all this darn way to see you girl, and you don't even give me a hug. Maybe I should just hobble on out of here." Jack tapped his crutch loudly on the gravel beneath us.
"Don't you dare, you crotchety old bastard." I threw my arms around Jack and hugged him much too hard for his old body, but he wasn't about to complain. "I missed you old man."
"I missed you too, now quit it before you knock me off my only leg." He kept the scowl on his face, but winked telling me he loved every second of it.
I knew I missed my friends from the base, but it wasn't until that moment that it really sank in just how much. Everything that happened over the previous few weeks rushed to the surface and brought tears in its wake. Will going missing, Janet's death, finding Will again, almost losing him to the infection, the three of us nearly dying, losing my house, losing… Dan, it was too much.
I tried to hold back the tears, but there was no stopping it. Jack's hug was like the wrench that broke the levee open. If not for Will's arms around me, I might have sunk to the ground to sob.
"Babe, don't cry," Will said, his voice almost a coo, as he tried to comfort me.
"Let the girl cry," Jack grumbled. "She's been through hell and she needs it. Why don't you guys give us a few minutes here. I got this." He swatted his crutch at the men and nodded his head toward the storefronts. "Go."
Will peeled his arms off me, careful to make sure I was steady on my feet before he let go, and took Hadley's hand to lead her toward the cafe. Derek and Jay followed to leave Jack and me alone to talk. He reached out an arm and gave my hand a squeeze.
"How about we sit over on that bench there. Be nice to an old man with one leg sweetheart."
Sweetheart.
That was what Dan called me. I could almost hear him whisper it in his Irish accent, so close to my ears. His voice danced in the wind around me and fell just short of reaching me. Missing him was more difficult than I could have even imagined.
I sat down on the bench next to Jack, still crying, and rested my head against him. With his crutches leaning over one leg, he slipped his arm around my back and let me continue to sob into his shirt.
He stayed silent for a few minutes to allow me the time I needed to cry myself out. When my tears were nearly dried, he reached down and lifted my chin to look at him.
"Feel better?"
My breath hitched and stuttered. "Not really."
"I figured as much. It never really helps. The crying, I mean. When I lost Sheila, I thought the whole world was gonna crash in and fall on top of me. Crying was all I could do. All I wanted to do. Then it got to a point where I realized it didn't take any of the pain away. All it did was make my eyes sore. And I got enough of that just looking in a mirror."
I managed a small smile at his lame joke. "Does this pain ever go away?" I studied his eyes and he took a moment to answer. I wanted him to tell me it would get better, easier, that in time I would forget how much it hurt and be able to move on with my life. But he didn't. Instead he took a deep breath and sighed.
"No darlin'. It ain't gonna get no better. It's gonna hurt from now until the day you die. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I just won't lie to you."
It was different when my parents died. It still hurt when I thought about them, but I'd gotten good at keeping that pain in a small compartment. Locked deep away, rarely opened up to allow it to reawaken, I hid the pain. Over time, that compartment was stuffed full of so many things I didn't want to feel that it got to a point where it couldn't hold anymore.
"You don't gotta stop feeling the pain to move on. After a while, it just becomes part of you."
"So I'll always be a total mess, crying my eyes out at the drop of a hat?" I wiped my face on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. Or Dan's sweatshirt, because that was all I was wearing those days.
"Of course not. You're gonna be just fine. It's gonna be a new kind of fine, but it will be okay. You have a lot of people around who care about you."
I slipped my head down and rested it on Jack's chest to listen to his heartbeat. He pulled his arm up around me and gave a gentle squeeze. Jack was right. I knew he was. It was just so hard to see past the pain some days, to believe in anything, when everything around you crumbled and brought you to your knees.
I stayed there with Jack for a long time, listening to him tell stories that were once so important, but now merely served as a silence filler. And I was grateful for that, for him, for being anywhere besides lost in my own thoughts. He knew that was what I needed, because he'd been there himself.
When our bellies grumbled, we headed inside for food. Mira had something prepared, as usual, and we ate as the younger girls chattered on about life in Hopewell to our newcomers. Hadley seemed especially excited about having younger kids around and to my surprise, couldn't wait to learn to do some chores.
My tears stayed at bay and it wasn't until the nightly fire ritual, that I even let my mind wander to Dan. Will was last to arrive to the circle. He slipped in behind me, wrapped his arms around me, and rested his chin against my shoulder. He smelled of pine and lumber, as he yawned into my hair with fatigue.
"I miss anything?" he whispered against my ear.
"Nope, just got here. Were you cutting trees?" I twisted my head around to look at him and crinkled my nose up at the deep forest scent. "You smell like a Christmas tree."
The corner of his mouth came up into a crooked smile and he brushed his nose against mine. "Just another hard day of work. How you doing?"
I wanted to say fine, but it would be a lie. Jay started to speak just in time to save me from answering.
"Since we are all together, I wanted to discuss the new situation here and give everyone a chance to be heard. So in case any of you hadn't heard, our new friends, Hadley and Jack will be staying with us. Derek will be leaving, but he does plan to return periodically." He threw another log into the fire and positioned it with a long stick.
Mira sat forward and smiled at me before speaking. "Before Andi showed up, I thought we were fine here, just the three of us, that we didn't need anyone else. I was wrong. We can't do this alone, no one can. I'm still not sure how long we will make it." She looked down and rubbed her hand over her belly. "But I know we have a better chance with our new friends."
Jack looked around and raised an eyebrow at our ragtag group of misfits. "Okay, now I'm a firm believer in sticking together and having a group of people working with each other, but we have a handful of kids, a pregnant woman, and an old fart with one leg. So let's be realistic about our chances out here."
Will kissed my head and smiled. "I can understand your reservations, but I have total faith in this little group. I've fought side by side with most of the people here and I trust them with my life. I'm not saying we don't need a few more strong, able-bodied people out here. I think we do, and Derek and I have talked about that at length. There are a few guys at the base who aren't happy about some of the things going on and want to leave. So I think we are going to be okay."
Jenny got up and took the empty spot next to Jack. "Don't worry old man, I'll keep you safe."
The group burst into
laughter and Jack tousled the girl's hair. "Great. I feel much safer now."
"Hey don't knock it, that kid is an excellent shot." Mira leaned forward and patted Jenny's hand. "She's already saved my life."
Jenny beamed with pride. "Well, Andi did most of it."
"Totally not true. It was a team effort, and I couldn't have done it without her." I didn't want to think about that day, but I had to.
Things could have gone so much worse. We saved Mira and her unborn baby's life, at the very least. There was so much good that happened that day, so much to be grateful about. We fought for each other, like a family, and we won. Well, sort of.
We lost Dan.
The thought made my breath hitch in my throat and I tensed against Will. He looked down at me and frowned, knowing exactly what was in my mind with only a glance.
"You wanna get out of here?"
I looked up at Will, then around the circle at my new family. "No, I'm good here. As long as you hold me, I'll be okay"
And for the first time in a long while, I was. Losing Dan was never going to hurt any less, but I could go on without him. I would go on because of him. I was a better person for having known him, no matter how short of a time it had been. He was my best friend, my family, and I loved him, but he wanted me to live my dreams and be happy. So no matter how unsure, insignificant, or short my life might be, I was going to make the best of it.
Will pulled me closer and snuggled his face into my neck. "I'll never let you go. I promise."
It was the first promise in two years that I actually let myself believe. From that very first day that he saved me, not only from a group of flesh eaters, but also from myself, he'd been exactly what I needed. It didn't matter what came next, good or bad. We would face it together, hand in hand.
EPILOGUE
Six years after the outbreak, the world was a very different place. Small towns like Hopewell sprung up in enough places that it almost seemed like the world was going back to normal. Our little community had quadrupled in size and other than losing Jack about a year before to natural causes, the original group survived.
