There were two cows on a meadow. One of the cows says: "Moo." And the other one says: "That’s what I was going to say!"
A male kangaroo is called a boomer. A female kangaroo is called a doe or a flyer. A baby kangaroo is called a joey.
The Red Kangaroo is the largest living marsupial and can grow to a size of two meters (6 feet, 6 inches.)
CREEPY CRAWLERS
There are more insects in one square mile of rural land than there are human beings on the entire planet.
Which is the smallest mammal? The bumblebee bat of Thailand. It weighs less than a penny.
Everyone knows the blood of mammals is red and the blood of insects is usually yellow. But what color is the blood of lobsters? Blue.
Which animal is responsible for the most human deaths worldwide? The mosquito.
Experts say you're more likely to get bit by mosquitoes if you eat bananas.
A cockroach can live a week without its head. The roach only dies because without a mouth, it can't drink water and dies of thirst.
Did you know that some female cockroaches mate once and are pregnant for the rest of their lives?
Cockroaches can swim, but coming up for air is difficult since they breathe through their sides, not their noses or mouths. But that is not much of a problem since a cockroach can hold its breath for about 40 minutes
The honey bee kills more people worldwide than all the poisonous snakes combined.
Bees have five eyes, but they can only see very few colors. They can not see the color red for example. It looks black to them. But they can see ultraviolet light that is invisible to humans.
When food is scarce, bees turn to cannibalism and eat their young.
Bees can be trained to sniff out explosives, just like bomb-sniffing dogs.
Q: Why did the elephant paint her toenails different colors?
A: To hide in a bag of M&M’s.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A penguin with a rash.
Q: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
A: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Q: What do you call a cow that twitches?
A: Beef jerky
Q: What is a frog’s favorite year?
A: Leap Year.
Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?
A: Because he was pissed off.
Q: Why does a blonde dog have bumps on his head?
A: From chasing parked cars.
Q: What are the two main political parties in Canada?
A: Moose and Squirrel.
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots???
A: Bunny farts.
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they walked out of the movies?
A: Shall we walk or take the dog?
Little Willy was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read. Their dog was lying next to him, and when he heard the screeching sounds of the violin, he began to howl loudly. The father tried to stay calm as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise: "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper: "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says: "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
He says: "Ouch! I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies: "That is not my dog."
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB
German Shepherd: "Alright, everyone freeze! Who broke the light? I SAID, FREEZE!"
Pointer: "I see the bulb, there it is, there it is, right there!"
Boxer: "Who cares that the bulb is broken? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark."
Cocker Spaniel: "Yeah, why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark."
Irish Wolfhound: "Shh! Stop yelling. I've got a terrible hangover."
Rottweiler: "Change the light bulb? Make me."
Lab: "Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?"
Golden Retriever: "The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?"
Australian Shepherd: "First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…"
The Border Collie realized the bulb wasn't the problem, and is in the basement re-setting the breaker.
Malamute: "Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy."
Bloodhound: "I'm sleepy. ZzzzzZZZZzzzzzz."
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says:
"Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says:
"Dog crap, 20 feet back."
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
So he ran as fast as he could. He ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and yelled: "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear suddenly stopped, and looked around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said: "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
A blind man with a guide dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across, they almost got run over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting them.
When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog.
A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said: "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?"
The blind man replied: "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
Laboratory tests have shown that rats get addicted to heroin, cocaine, and any other drug that humans get addicted to, except LSD.
In 2007, six young elephants charged into an Indian village, broke into their beer supply, got drunk, and uprooted an electrical pole.
There are 80 known species of unisexual animals. The most commonly known are whiptail lizards. They are all female. There are no males. The species reproduces by laying eggs that don't need to be fertilized. This is known as parthenogenesis (self-cloning.)
Clownfish can change their sex. If there are not enough females, male clownfish become female.
To help endangered pandas reproduce in captivity, Chinese researchers have developed porno for pandas.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Female koala bears have two vaginas. Male koala bears have a bifurcated (forked) penis.
A male bee's penis gets destroyed after sex.
The female bedbug has no sexual opening. The male bedbug uses his penis to drill a vagina into the female. This is known as "traumatic insemination."
CARTOONS BY GASPIRTZ
Book 1: Embarrassing True Stories
Book 2: Pet Humor!
Book 3: Police Humor!
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