“Your Mama must have been a wonderful wise woman. I wish I’d met her. You must have loved her very much?”
Jerie’s face grew serious then she gave a sob and her features seemed to collapse. She sat up and buried her face in my shoulder. I let her cry, feeling the wetness on my skin and stroking the wiry hair and the back of her neck, feeling again the strange stirrings inside me. Wracking sobs began to shake her thin frame, so I lifted her onto my lap, where she wrapped her arms around my chest and continued sobbing. I bent my head so that my cheek was against hers then circled her with my arms and just held her, wondering if this was the first time she’d had someone’s arms to cry in since her mother had died. After a while the sobbing gradually stopped to be replaced by short, sharp intakes of breath, which gradually slowed, until I heard her regular slow breathing. Looking down I saw her eyes were closed in sleep, so I carefully lifted her off my lap and laid her flat on the settee. I thought for a moment then strode through to the spare bedroom, hunted for bed linen, made up one of the single beds; then carried her to the bedroom, unbuttoned the shirt and removed it. She half awoke and murmured, but I shushed her and laid her flat on the bed, where she smiled at me, then shut her eyes again in sleep. I looked at her thin body for a moment, smiled, kissed her on the cheek, covered her with the sheet then tiptoed out.
As I sipped my cup of lukewarm tea I thought about her. There was something intriguing about her, something in her eyes and her manner that made me want to keep her close to me.
“Don’t be stupid” I muttered. “She’s just another little black girl. There must be thousands like her. Maybe I’ll get that other girl. So, what if there is something hard in her eyes, who cares, I don’t want to make use of her eyes.”
But I still felt a sense of guilt and there was a lack of conviction in my decision, as if some other part of myself had already decided something else.
Kabero knocked and came in to take away the tea things.
“You want other girl Bwana?” he asked.
“I don’t know, I’ll wait and see,” I replied.
“Jerie no good? I talk to her.” Kabero offered.
“No, it’s okay,” I assured him.
“You send her back tomorrow?”
“Yes, I’ll send her back.” I declared as positively as I could, but I felt the secret part inside me smile, knowing that it was a lie.
“He maybe spent money.”
“Then I’ll maybe keep her to clean the house. I’m going to bed now.”
Kabero hesitated with the tray. I looked up. “Well?”
“How many for breakfast Bwana?”
I thought.
“Two, I might as well give her a good breakfast before I send her back.”
“Okay Bwana,” Kabero said and left.
I undressed, washed and went to bed and lay for a long time thinking.
‘Why when I had been so aroused had I changed my mind about having sex with Jerie? Why did being a virgin make such a difference. Some of the black boys would do it to her sooner or later.’
I eventually fell asleep. I awoke, aware of someone moving about the room. I felt fingers touch my face and asked, “Jerie?”
She pulled the sheet back, climbed into my bed and snuggled in beside me. I smiled and pulled the sheet back over her as she wrapped her arms around me. I felt the softness of her breasts against my chest and her wiry pubic hair tickling my genitals, but I wasn’t aroused. I pushed my arm below the pillow and underneath her head. My free hand slid down past the curve of her hips to stroke her bottom. I sighed in contentment. Something swelled inside my chest. Feeling at peace with myself, I fell asleep.
Chapter 4
I awoke to the sun streaming into the bedroom. Jerie’s head was snuggled against my chest and our arms were wrapped around each other, as if we were made to fit together. I lay for a while feeling her chest expand and contract, enjoying the softness of her body next to mine. I ran my free hand from her waist, past the swell of her hips down to the soft firmness of her bottom and as if my body had a will of its own I felt the start of an erection. I pulled my hips away from hers and at the movement she awoke and looked at me in bewilderment, then as memory returned, she gave a huge smile and cuddled in, pushing against me as if to get as much contact as possible.
I enjoyed the closeness until my emotions threatened to overwhelm me, then I pulled away, sat up, and told her it was time to get breakfast. As I crossed the room to get my clothes, I tried to keep my back to her, but she’d also risen and before I could get my underpants on, she passed and glanced at me. Her giggle, accompanied by a cheeky knowing grin, embarrassed me. I followed her through to the bathroom and as a cover for my spying, shaved as I watched her, and found she knew what to do.
She found my shirt and as she fastened the buttons, I decided I’d better go shopping for clothes for her. Kabero knocked, and when I answered, shouted that breakfast was ready, so I collected Jerie, took her through and smiled approvingly when she took her seat and spread her napkin on her knee. Again, she tried to copy my every move, from sipping orange juice to pouring milk on her cereal, to spreading butter and jam on her toast. I felt flattered and amused at her imitation.
“Did you sleep well?” I asked.
“I have not slept in a real bed for a long time, it is very soft.”
“Where do you usually sleep?”
“Any place that dry.”
“Any place that … ?”
She corrected herself. “Any place that is dry.”
Deciding that I had better start improving her English, I named all the objects on the table and had her repeat the names after me until I was satisfied.
“I am going into town to get you something to wear, could you help Kabero wash the dishes?”
She looked excited, “I not come?”
I corrected her. “Can I not come?”
She repeated. “Can I not come?
“What could you wear? You can’t come dressed like that.” She looked disappointed, so I added. “I’ll get you one dress then take you to the shops tomorrow to buy you more.”
She brightened up, and exclaimed enthusiastically.
“I will help Kabero very much.”
When Kabero came through to start clearing the table I told him I was going into town. He reported supplies were getting low and he needed to buy groceries. When Jerie was out of earshot, he lowered his voice.
“You send Jerie back today Bwana?”
“No, I’ve changed my mind I’ll keep her.”
He gave a relieved smile. “I know she good girl.”
“I be b …” I shook my head angrily. If I wasn’t careful I would be speaking in pidgin English soon.
“I will be back in an hour or two, could you keep Jerie busy? Get her to wash the dishes or something?”
He nodded. “I do that Bwana.”
I found Jerie twiddling the knobs of the radio in the lounge and showed her how to get the stations. Telling her that I would be back soon, I left her happily listening to a music program.
As I drove into town I wondered what had come over me. What was I going to do with Jerie? I would have to send her back in two weeks if not before. Maybe I could keep in touch with her and help her get an education? I didn’t like the thought of her going back to live in the shanty town, but that was what she was used to. She would think of the short time with me as a kind of holiday … wouldn’t she?
I gave up my ruminations when I arrived at the shopping district and parked the Land Rover at the kerbside then, deciding I didn’t want to make a fool of myself by asking for female clothes in a public shop, I drove on to the native market area. I found a clothes stall and chose a dress which seemed to be about the right size and pants, and not wishing to attract attention by haggling, I paid for them quickly and rolled them into an unrecognisable bundle.
I drove back to the centre of town, bought a newspaper, and over a coffee caught up with the news from home. My thoughts kept
returning to Jerie, the way she had cried in my arms and the feel of her snuggled against me in bed last night. I couldn’t return her to the shanty town, but what was I to do? Maybe I could pay for her to attend a boarding school?
‘Don’t be a fool you’ve only known her for a day, you’re not a bloody social worker,’ I told myself; but a deeper part of me refused to accept this and my thoughts kept returning to the feel of her warm body against my own.
When I returned, I found her up to her arms in soapsuds, obviously enjoying herself. The table was piled high with gleaming crockery. I realized Kabero had taken me literally.
I muttered despairingly to myself. “When I said wash the dishes, I didn’t mean wash every bloody dish in the house!”
I smiled at Jerie. “Dry your hands Jerie and come and try on your dress.”
She glanced at the rolled-up bundle under my arm and gave a squeal.
“Is it a real dress?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course it’s a real dress.”
She tore off her shirt and slipped the dress over her head, wriggling to get her arms through. As I saw her trying to button the back of the dress, I moved behind to help her. She ran her hands down her sides, smoothing the material, then rushed through to the bedroom to look in the mirror. I followed her through and saw her twirling, and then trying to smooth the crease in the material about her bust. I realised the dress was a couple of sizes too big and consoled her.
“I got this one, so you would look decent when we go to the shops, but don’t worry we will get a dress that fits.”
“But this is a lovely dress!” she exclaimed.
“Try on your pants.”
She held the pants up to see which way around they went, then slipped them on and holding the dress up admired herself. She let the dress fall and after again admiring herself, gave me a hug, exclaiming.
“It feels very clean.” I smiled at her excitement.
“You will have to get used to being clean, you must have a bath two or three times a week..”
She looked shocked. “Every week?”
I nodded. “Every week.”
She opened her mouth to speak then closed it, giving me an amazed look.
“Well, shall we go and get you some clothes?”
She smiled up at me. “Yes please.”
I shouted for Kabero and told him to get ready to go into town.
“I got list, need money Bwana.”
I looked at the list and gave him a good bit more than I thought he needed.
“Buy some fruit for Jerie and something for yourself, but don’t get too drunk Kabero.”
I knew that supplies disappeared and Kabero’s bills were inflated, but I accepted this as part of the system, for I also knew how little he was paid. I couldn’t do much about it, for if I gave him more, word would get around, and I would be in trouble with other Europeans, when their servants were suddenly demanding more and naming me as the precedent.
While I was waiting for Kabero, I asked Jerie what clothes she needed.
She thought for a moment then she answered. “I do not know.”
I prompted her. “How many dresses?” and when she shrugged I suggested. “Two everyday dresses and one special?”
“What is special?”
“I mean a special dress.”
“What!” she hesitated then said carefully … “does” and looked at me, and when I nodded continued … “a special dress, mean?”
I began to feel a bit out of my depth.
“A dress you wear to go to parties or church.”
“What are parties?”
I thought for a moment. “A party is when people meet each other and eat and sing and dance, like a birthday or Christmas.”
“I remember Christmas at the mission school, we got food and holidays.”
“Do you go to church?”
“I know about Jesus, but I not go to church. Jesus does not come to where I stay.”
Feeling that we were straying from the point, I asked, “Do you want shoes?”
She looked delighted. “Yes please.”
“Do you want more pants?”
“Yes please.”
I wondered what else I should suggest and thought of a bra, but at the thought of trying to explain what it was for, decided to leave that for the moment.
“Do you need a bag?” As she opened her mouth and I saw a long list of questions in my imagination I added hurriedly.
“No forget that.”
I tried to remember Kathleen’s clothes, but Kabero came back then, carrying a large shopping basket, and a bit relieved, I ushered them into the Land Rover and set off with Jerie again sitting in the middle seat.
I found a parking place in the shopping district and before Kabero left, I gave him the spare key for the Land Rover, instructing him to put the supplies in, and that I would wait until sundown for him. Taking Jerie’s hand, I started to hunt for a dress shop. I found a suitable shop run by an Indian family where I was unlikely to be seen by any Europeans, and stated my business. We were taken to the back, where Jerie was measured and ushered into a changing cubicle with a pile of dresses.
She appeared at intervals wearing the new dresses and seeking my approval. Between us we selected three. After adding pants and socks to the pile, we looked at nightdresses and remembering her delight at my silk tie, I encouraged her to choose a silky creation which I’d seen her eyeing. After paying, we walked back to load them in the Land Rover. I thought of shoes, and as we slowly made our way along the street with Jerie goggling into each shop window, I looked at any black girls who passed. Flat slipper type shoes seemed to be the fashion, so I again found an Indian shop where Jerie acquired two pairs of shoes and a shoulder bag. Then with her apparently feeling like a princess, wearing her shoes and with her shoulder bag on her shoulder, we looked for somewhere to have lunch.
We found a restaurant and after helping Jerie to read and understand the various items on the menu, I let her order her own, again surprised at how well her English was progressing. I ordered my own meal and noticed Jerie watching intently, as if drinking in not only my words but my manner. I thought again how much she would benefit from a good education.
I noticed a girl at another table take a mirror out of her bag and apply lipstick.
“It seems a bit of a waste to walk about with an empty bag Jerie. What can we get to put in it?”
She ticked off items on her fingers excitedly. “A mirror, a comb a …” she stopped.
I prompted. “A nail file?”
She repeated after me. “A nail file,” then stopped. “What is a nail file?”
I groaned inwardly. “Here we go again,” and I explained. I took her hand and looked at her nails, which were quite short but rounded nicely.
“How do you keep your own nails smooth?”
“I bite them and rub them on a stone.”
I rolled my eyes heavenwards. “What else do you need?”
Her eyes went vacant as she thought, then inspiration dawned.
“A handkerchief!” she declared triumphantly.
“Anything else?”
She started to say something then stopped.
“Well?”
She replied hesitantly, “Money.”
“Anything else?”
“I don’t know.”
“What about a key?”
“What for?”
“The house.” Her eyes widened, “and maybe a pen and a notebook.”
Just then. the waitress arrived with our food. Jerie watched me as I used my knife and fork, then tried with difficulty to do the same. I wanted to help her, but felt she might be embarrassed with other people in the room, so I let her struggle on by herself, eating very slowly so I wouldn’t be finished long before her.
When she eventually finished, I suggested, “Well, will we go and find something to put in your bag?”
She smiled back. “Yes please.”
“Will you go and pay?” I
asked, then on her startled look, continued, giving her a note. “Here is some money, can you count?”
She looked indignant. “I can count up to …” she seemed to be looking inward, trying to think of a number big enough to impress me.
“I believe you,” I assured her. “Give her the money, say ‘Thank you’ put the change in your bag and then give her this.” I handed her a coin “Do you understand?”
She said, “Yes,” but I saw her eyes looking inward and her lips moving slightly as if she was trying to remind herself. I gave her time to get to the desk then followed, and saw the waitress look up at her
“Can I pay?” she asked.
I felt like giving her a hug, I hadn’t thought of that. The waitress looked at the bill and stated a figure and Jerie handed over the note. When she got the change she said, “Thank you”, put it in her purse, then held out the coin and dropped it into the waitress’s open hand.
“Thank you, Miss,” the waitress said. I guided Jerie out with her eyebrows still raised in amazement.
“She called me Miss!”
“Well so she should. You are a young lady now and you have money in your purse. Let’s go to the market and you can look for the other things you need. Do you remember what they are?” And with only slight prompting she recalled all the items while we made our way to the native market.
Although she was apprehensive at the noise and bustle of the crowded marketplace, I encouraged her to go off by herself, but making sure we had a meeting place if she got lost. I watched her as she swaggered into the crowds, with her red shoulder bag dangling, trying to appear confident, but I knew by the way she looked back at me she was afraid, and my heart went out to her, but like a parent watching a child’s first steps, I felt I had to let her do it herself. I discreetly followed a little distance behind, trying to keep her in sight.
I watched from a distance as she stopped at a stall and haggled with the stall holder, then her leaving and the stall holder calling her back and the seeming reluctance of them both as they struck a deal. I felt like cheering, but left in case she noticed me, and satisfied that she could look after herself, went back to where we had parted.
Love Patterns Page 4
