by J. L. Murray
“What is this?” I said.
“This is what I can do,” said Sam.
“But I thought—”
“That it was forbidden?” said Sam. “It most certainly is. But what does it matter anymore? Look around. You're unmaking the world, Niki.”
“What?”
“Your power, I didn't know what it was before. I didn't remember. I don't know how Michael hid it from me. But when he gave my memories back, I remembered. I remembered the Creator. The smell of him, the feeling of being around him. The power of him. So fresh in my memory. Maybe that's why my brothers didn't recognize it in you. They've lived so much since being with the Creator. They've forgotten what it feels like. But when I remembered, it was like yesterday. And then I recognized your power. I still don't know what you are, Niki, but I know what it is inside of you.”
“What is it?” I said.
“You hold the power of the Creator,” said Sam. “And you're about to destroy the world.”
I couldn't wrap my mind around what Sam was saying. “I don't understand,” I said.
“Neither do I,” said Sam. “Not really. But I'm beginning to. This power that is in you, it should have killed you. I don't know how it got inside of you, but you have to keep it there until we find the Creator.”
“It's pointless,” I said. “We don't know where he is. Time is almost up. We haven't even started looking for him.”
“Do you see what's happened?” said Sam. “I've stopped time.”
I looked around. The frozen faces afraid of what I'd done. Afraid of dying. “Sam, isn't this—what did you call it?—breaking your Sacred Law?”
He nodded, his eyes so tired. And something else. A deep sadness.
“You stopped time,” I said. “You could have stopped it before. You could have saved my family.”
“Yes,” said Sam. “I could have saved them.”
“Why didn't you, Sam?” I said. I felt weak. Limp. I wasn't angry at him. I felt broken. I remembered something Natalie had said to me once, when we first met. You're put back together, but only just. I felt shattered now, my pieces ground down to grains of sand so small that it would take a miracle to put me back together.
Sam nodded. “I should have,” he said. “But I thought I could save everyone. I thought I could save you.”
“I am not important,” I said. My face was wet and I realized it was from tears. I never cried and it made me angry that he had made me. “Why would you risk the world for one person?” I said.
“You'd do the same for Sofi,” he said.
“Not the whole world, Sam,” I said. “I wouldn't do that.”
“Wouldn't you?” he said. He shook his head. “It doesn't matter. There is a price that I will have to pay for using this power. I told you it was forbidden.”
“Price?” I said, remembering. “Unmaking?”
“If I use this power in the world,” he said, his voice heavy, “I will no longer exist.” He sat down and buried his face in his hands. I knelt down next to him. He lowered his hands and I saw how haggard his face looked. “Do you care for me, Niki?” he said.
The question caught me by surprise. “What?” I said.
“I would do anything for you. I have done. I would give you anything it was in my power to give you. Even if you hated me, I would still feel what I feel.”
“Sam,” I said. “This isn't the right time. Why don't we talk about this when all this is over?”
Sam shook his head. “There is no after,” he said. “Not for me. Not anymore.”
“What do you mean? This can't really be true. You won't really stop existing. How is that possible?”
“Just please tell me,” he said. “Do you feel anything for me?”
I looked at his face. I couldn't tell him. There was an ache inside me that he had caused. An ache in my chest that I usually ignored. It had been easy with the power burning inside me. But it wasn't in me right now and I felt hollowed out and left only with the ache that grew stronger as I looked on this man. This kind man that had brought me back from the dead. The man that had stopped time for a world that he didn't even belong to. He couldn't even walk here without being feared. I forced myself to speak. I had never been good at love. I had tried to love Eli, and thought I had loved him. But compared to Sam, what I had felt for Eli had been small and without form.
“Yes,” I finally got out. “Yes, Sam. I feel something.”
“I want the truth,” he said.
“Me too,” I said. “I'm just not good at this. Why are you doing this? Why is there no after?”
Sam's eyes were red. He shook his head. “I am older than I even know,” he said. “And I have never been in love. Isn't that strange? I have been in this world as long as humans have existed. You'd think I would have found someone to love. Well, I have now, and it's destroyed the world. It's going to destroy me, too.”
“Why?” I said, my voice a whisper.
“Why do I love you?” said Sam. “I thought we'd been over that. There's no point in asking why.”
“Why is it destroying you?” I said. My hands shook.
“Do you love me?” Sam said.
“What difference does it make?” I said.
“It's important, Niki,” said Sam. “I need to know. Do you love me? It's all right if you don't. I just need to know.”
“Yes,” I said. I couldn't meet his eyes. “Goddamn it, Sam.”
I felt his hot hands on my face and he kissed me. He drew back after only seconds, his dark eyes looking into mine. “As soon as I lift this,” he said, “I won't exist.”
“No,” I said, my voice thick, pleading. “Sam, no. Stop it. It's just a story. It can't really be true.”
“It's done,” he said. “It had to be done.”
“It's my fault,” I said. I put my hand over my mouth to stop the sob I felt coming to the surface.
He put his arms around me. “No,” he said. “It's not your fault. You never asked for this power. No one knew what it was. I don't know how it got inside you, but it's not your fault, Niki.”
The entire world was frozen in time. I had used my power to begin to unravel it. But I had no control. I let Sam hold me while the sobs racked my body. I cried for Sasha and Natalie. I cried for falling in love with Sam. I cried because I was going to lose him. And I cried for myself. For all that I had lost. After a long time I was still.
“I'm sorry, Niki,” Sam said. “We have to get this power back inside of you. I can only hold it for so long. It's better contained with you holding it.”
I nodded and sat up. I wiped my face with the palm of my hand. “Okay,” I said, my voice small.
“Are you strong enough?” Sam said.
“No,” I said. “But I never was.”
“That's as far from the truth as it's possible to be,” he said. He stood and took my arm, helping me up. “Can you pull it back?” he said.
I closed my eyes and focused on pulling the white fire back inside of me. I looked up at the sky. I narrowed my eyes and pushed all other thoughts out of my head besides the need to pull back the power. The brightness twitched, but otherwise didn't move. I tried again. It moved slightly. I looked at Sam. I don't know if I'm strong enough,” I said. He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. I felt something odd and cold seeping into me through his fingers.
“Try again,” he whispered. I felt less drained. I felt strong and alive. I focused on the emptiness in my chest and with an inward pull I felt the power moving. It reached for me as I pulled it. With a ripping, tearing feeling that was too deep to even begin to feel pain, I felt it filling me up again, dancing, boiling inside of me like it had always been there. My eyes filled with white again. I gasped as the last of it hurtled into my body. I felt the pain then, but I didn't cry out. I doubled up until it had passed. I stood up after a moment, shaky, but strong.
Sam was looking at me. Something passed in his eyes.
“Can we just stay this way?” I said
. “Can you stop the world forever?”
“Would you want me to?” he said.
“It's better than the alternative,” I said.
“Niki,” he said. “I don't know how long you can hold that power. Eventually it will kill you.”
“Maybe it won't,” I said.
“It's the power of the Creator,” he said. “No being could hold it for long without it consuming them. I'm surprised you've lasted this long.”
“Sam, I don't want you to go.”
“There's nothing either one of us can do about that. Now let's go set the world right.”
“Screw the world,” I said.
“Well, we can at least save the people from the Scourges.”
“What if there's no one left?” I said. “How do we even know that Michael hasn't killed everyone outside of the city?”
“I would know,” he said. “Remember? Sofi and Bobby are still alive,” he said.
“You've never called him Bobby before,” I said.
“Niki, there is one more thing you need to know,” he said.
“What?” I said.
“You must be the one to release the Creator from his human body.”
“Okay,” I said. “How do I do that?”
“You have to kill him.”
Eighteen
I followed Sam through the streets. We went down an alley, past an angel frozen in murderous rage, slicing a demon's throat. Black blood hovered in the air where it had begun to spurt out when Sam stopped time.
“Can we save him?” I said.
Sam shook his head. “There's nothing we can do,” he said.
We came out of the alley and headed up a side street. A group of ten demons had piled on top of several angels. I couldn't see exactly how they were killing one another, but there was a stream of silver blood pooled on the blacktop as thick as my arm. We kept walking. Sam led me around the corner onto another street.
“How do you know where he is?” I said.
“I can feel him,” said Sam.
“What does it feel like?” I said.
Sam hesitated. “Like my heart is breaking,” he said.
“Are you sure that's the Creator?” I said.
“I'm sure,” he said, but he looked at me for a long moment before returning his eyes to the front, searching.
We walked for a long time without talking. My pants were stiff and sticky at the same time with Natalie's dried blood and Sasha's fresher blood. My feet squished in my boots as we walked quickly and I was sure my heels would soon blister. I stared at Sam as he walked. He didn't seem to notice the world around us. He was focused on the task at hand. What was it like to sacrifice your life for others? I realized I knew the answer. I had done it, too, though not on such a large scale. I had died to stop the Blood. Sam and I weren't so different. I would do the same, in his place.
Everywhere I looked, I saw figures frozen in the act of fighting. The Abbies were the worst. It was hard enough to see them dead, or about to die, but it was worse to see them killing. They had cold, satisfied looks on their faces as they turned their powers to the business of killing. Most were killing demons, but I saw a few attacking angels as well. One man had blue electricity shooting out of his chest. A young boy stared down a demon who had an expression of horror and black blood spewing out of his mouth and nose. I wondered if I would have done the same in their place. Would I have listened to Michael's voice and attacked demons? Would I have believed that they were evil? Probably.
After we'd been walking for miles in the silent world, I looked around at my surroundings and frowned.
“Sam?” I said. “Do you know where we are?” I said.
“What?” He was distracted.
“This is where Sasha opened up the gate to Hell.” I pointed down the street. “You see? Right there. That's where I killed Abaddon.”
“I know,” said Sam. “I was there.”
“Why are we here, Sam?”
“The Creator is here,” Sam said. “Can you feel Him?”
I did feel Him. The power in my chest began to spark. I looked at Sam. I felt another spark, then another. “Sam,” I said. “It hurts.”
“We're almost there,” he said. He turned to continue. I caught his arm.
“Why do you have to go?” I said.
“I told you, it is forbidden to use the Creator's power,” he said. “There's nothing I can do, Niki. There's no use talking about it.”
“You weren't selfish,” I said.
“What?” he said, surprised.
“You did it to save the world,” I said. “It shouldn't count.”
“Niki, I'm sorry,” Sam said. “I'm not happy about it either. In fact I'm filled with anger and despair and for the first time in my life I feel like punching something. But I can't stop it. I have to go. There's nothing to be done. I only hold to power to usher souls. Any other use is against the Creator's laws. Against the universe's laws.”
I knew he was right, but I couldn't accept it. It was too wrong. “You can't, Sam. You can't do this.” I hated the way my voice sounded. I sounded weak and pleading. Sam shook his head. He looked hollow. Wrung out. He looked away, but I took his face in my hands and made him look at me. “I'm not the kind of girl that this happens to,” I said. “You can't just make someone feel this way and then leave. You can't.”
“Believe me, if there were any way, I would stay with you here in the world, ” he said softly. He took my hands gently from his face. He held onto my hands and led me across the street, and towards a building.
“Screw the world,” I said again. But I went with him anyway. Past the crater in the street where Abaddon had come and gone. Through an alley where a group of young children huddled, hiding behind an overflowing garbage dumpster. Through a rusted metal door. Down a set of chipped and stained cement stairs into a dank cellar.
And there he was. A sad old man, going bald, wearing a sweater vest. He was rocking back and forth on a stained cot. He looked up at Sam and me.
“Can you hear the music?” he said.
I nodded.
“There's something wrong with you,” he said looking me up and down. “Something inside of you that shouldn't be there.”
“Yes,” I said. I looked back at Sam, who was staring at the man. “Let me talk to Him,” I said to Sam. Sam looked at me finally, his eyes wide. He nodded.
“I know you, don't I?” the man said. I went and sat next to him on the dirty cot.
I nodded. “You helped my friend. In the street.”
“Oh, yes,” he said. “The big man.” He grimaced. “I don't know how I knew how to do that.”
“Lots of strange things happening lately, is that right?” I said.
“I know things,” he said. “I remember things that happened thousands of years ago. Even further back than that. Memories. How could I have memories like that? I think I need a doctor. There's something wrong with my head.”
“There's nothing wrong with you,” I said. “You're just lost.”
“Why did the fighting stop?”
I looked at Sam. He was no use. He was just staring at the Creator in awe.
“This is Sam,” I said. “He stopped time. He can do that, the same way that you know things and can heal people.”
“That must be a valuable ability,” said the man. “It sounds dangerous, though.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, waiting for the wave of sadness to pass. I got control of my emotions. But I couldn't look at Sam. “He had to stop time,” I said. “So we could find You.”
“Why would he do that?” said the man. Fear flashed in his eyes.
“You're very important,” I said.
“If that were true I wouldn't be here,” he said. He shook his head. “I tried to find them again. When I left you. But it was gone. Our whole building was gone. I dug through the pieces but I couldn't find them.” His voice broke and he began rocking again. “I shouldn't have left,” he said, his eyes filling with tears. �
��But I was so scared. I tried to run so whatever was happening to me wouldn't hurt them.” He looked at me, his dirty, tear-stained face filled with grief. “Have you ever lost someone you loved so much that you thought it would break you?”
I almost looked at Sam, but if I did I thought that I would start crying again. “I lost my father and my sister today,” I said. “They were murdered.”
“You poor thing,” he said. He took my hand in his and there was a sudden jolt of power that made the man jump back. “I'm sorry,” he said.
“It's not You,” I said. “It's me. I have this power inside of me. Only it's not mine. It's Yours. Do You understand?”
“No,” he said.
“Somehow I got filled up with Your power,” I said. “I've been carrying it around with me. I even used it a few times. I almost killed someone with it, but Sam stopped me.” I held up my hand and a white tendril flickered out. “Do you recognize it?”
“Yes,” the man whispered. “But I don't know why.” He reached out to touch it and the tendril wrapped around his finger. The man snatched his hand back, his eyes wide. “I can remember the world being made,” he said, his voice far away. “I can remember the first human. I can remember even before that.” He looked at me. “I only want to know who I am,” he said. “I can't remember anymore. How can I remember everything else, but not know who I am? It doesn't make any sense.”
I looked at Sam. He nodded. He looked strained.
“You are what we call the Creator,” I said.
“Creator of what?”
“Creator of everything,” I said. “I didn't even know You existed until a very little while ago. You've been gone for a very long time. I think at some point You got a little lost.”
“You think I'm God?” he said. He laughed a humorless laugh. “That's crazy. I have a wife. I'm happily married. I have children. I don't even go to church.”
“Neither do I,” I said. “But that doesn't mean I don't believe in You now. Can't you feel it? The power in me. It's trying to go to You. Can you feel that?”
“Yes,” he said. “It feels like suffocating.”
“The singing,” I said. “The memories, the healing. Everything. You left a long time ago. But You have to come back now. There's a balance to the world. And when You left, it started to lean. It's not your fault. But now it's tipping even further. Demons are leaving Hell to come here. Angels are in the world. Humans are being born with strange abilities. Everything's getting all mixed up. And an angel called Michael tried to take Your place. He wanted to destroy this world. My world. The world that You love so much. You have to go back. You have to restore the balance.”
