by K. L. Jessop
Now, I can’t move.
I’m completely numb, paralyzed with my mother’s face once again before me as that heavy load of bereavement I’ve carried for the last two years hits me like a fucking freight train. I can’t breathe, my chest is raw, and tears stream down my face. I’m right back there to the day I buried her—to the day it was me crouched to the ground asking anyone listening why it’d had to be her.
I’ve relived every part of that day while I’ve been at this cemetery, and I can’t even rationalize how I feel about it, other than pure gut-wrenched. I’ve hardly been to her grave since she’s been gone, and this is been a brutal reminder of how I’ve let her down once again.
Only I’m not back there.
This day isn’t for her, and I certainly am not the man I was two years ago.
Like I’ve just been shoved back into reality, the soft sounds of Nora’s endless tears jolt me into the present as I hear her ask for her daddy to come back because he’s gone too soon.
Needing to comfort her, I wipe my tears and kneel beside her. With a gentle brush of my hand, I tuck loose strands of her hair from her face behind her ear. Her skin is hot and clammy, her body trembling with sheer distress, and even with my own agony, I’d do anything to take hers away.
“Shortcake, I’m here. It’s just us.”
When she turns to look at me, I have to fight to keep it together because I’ve never seen her so vulnerable, not even the night in the hospital.
Sitting on the ground next to her, I pull her to me, holding her so tight for my touch to shield her from the devastation.
“I’ve tried, Grayson,” she weeps. “I’m not strong.”
“Shh, I’ve got you. I’m not letting go.”
I rock us both gently as we sit underneath the tree by Pete’s graveside, stroking her hair and whispering to her that she’s safe, that I have her. When her body finally starts to calm and her tears subside, a new silence fills the space around us—one that’s so serene it relaxes us both, and we mold into each other’s embrace as the birds in the trees sing poems to each other.
“I thought he’d be here,” she whispers. “I thought Asher would be home for today. My heart is shattered. My mom is broken, and I need him. We all need him. I just don’t understand.”
Holding her tighter, I don’t answer. I don’t answer because I have no words right now. The anger in me is equaled with concern. No one close has heard from him. He’s alive, which is something. According to Mark, Jackson had managed to make contact with him after spotting him in yet another California bar and advised him to come home. But he’s still not here. With his head not in the game before he left, the death of his father and my growing concerns regarding his PTSD, I just want him home. I want him safe, but fuck me, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to grab him by the collar and pin him to the wall when he is.
“People mourn in different ways, Nora. Just because he’s not here doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.”
“But what about those he left behind?”
“As harsh as it sounds, he may not be thinking about them. When you’re so wrapped up in grief, you can't see anything other than the black hole you’re staring into. I of all people know this. It’s why I treated you badly, remember? I shut the people I cared for away because I was trying to get my head around the life that has suddenly been ripped in two. I’m not making excuses for Asher—believe me, I’m so mad at him right now—but just try to understand a little.”
“But that’s hard to do when all I want is my big brother to hold me tight and tell me everything will be okay but he’s not here. All those years I hated him being so protective, and now, when I needed it the most, he’s pushed me aside like my heart doesn’t matter.”
I lift her chin making her look at me. “It matters to me. It will always matter to me.”
“I know. And I couldn’t have got through this week if it weren’t for you. I know how hard it’s been for you, too, and a part of me hates that I’ve been selfish and not considered your feelings when I’ve been fighting my own.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t ever think that. Okay? Promise me you’ll never think that.”
“I promise. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” I place my lips against her forehead, and she hugs me tighter. When her hand brushes against my jacket pocket, she stops when she feels something, and I suddenly remember what I have in there.
“What’s that?”
I’d wanted to make this day as special as it could be. I’d wanted her to have a little smile on her face for a moment while she forgot about everything else, and there was only one thing that I knew would do that.
Reaching into my pocket, I take out the small tube of bubbles. “I wasn’t sure if or when we’d get around to doing this today, but I wanted to give you these.”
“Bubbles?” she whispers.
“I know how much you and your dad loved them. It’s been a thing that you two have done ever since you were a girl. I didn’t see why today should be any different, even if he wasn’t here in person to blow them with you.”
“You got me bubbles…”
I catch a tear that falls down her cheek with my thumb as she holds the tube in her hand, studying them like she’s never seen them before.
“I’ve not done these since the day at the beach.”
“You don’t have to do them if it’s too much, baby.”
“I guess we can do them one last time.”
Her statement makes my heart ache. “No one said this has to be the last, Nora. You can do them every day if you want to. Just because your dad isn’t here doesn’t mean you can’t do them anymore.”
Cupping my jaw, her glassed eyes are filled with gratitude and her lip quivers. “Have I ever told you how special you are?”
“You’re the special one out of the two of us, and I know this past week has been the worst thing you’ve ever had to endure, but I’m so proud of you. Your dad would be, too; he always was. You are and always will be a special little lady.”
Her eyes dart back and forth between mine, her chest begins to rise and fall, and I can feel her start to withdraw from my hold on her jaw. I don’t let go. Knowing she’s becoming distressed, I hold on to her tighter, stroking her cheeks with my thumbs.
“What’s on your mind, Shortcake. Talk to me.”
“I didn’t do everything I promised him we would. I didn’t take him on a picnic in the park. We never made it to the Aquarium. We had so many things planned this summer while I was home, and now he’s not here.” She shakes her head, her hand pressing against her chest as tears stream down her face. “I’m scared, Grayson. I know you said it will take time, but what if I can’t get past this? This heaviness that’s weighing down on my chest. It’s like I can’t breathe. What if it doesn’t stop?”
Fuck, I hate this. Seeing her this way is fucking crucifying.
“Not long ago, when I was a mess over my mom, you told me I had to find my courage. It is what your dad told you once—that when someone needs to grow as a person, all they have to do is find courage. You will find that, too, Nora. It may not be today. It may not be next month as time heals in different ways, but I promise you, it will get easier with time. And in the meantime, we can do whatever you want to get through this. If you want to go and do that picnic in the park to remember him, we can do that. If you want to go to the Aquarium or continue playing with bubbles while you remember the old times, we will do it. I’ll do everything you want and anything you need. Just say the word.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Of course.”
“Why?”
Needing to say the words I’ve been longing to say for some time, I bring her closer. “Because I love you, Nora.”
Her breath hitches. “Grayson…”
“I love you. And when I said that I’d be by your side no matter what, I meant it.”
“You love me.” It’s more of a statement than a question.
> “I do. And pushing everything aside that you’re feeling right now, I know that I’m in your heart, too.”
“You always have been,” she whispers. “From the very day you gave me scuttle on my fifth birthday, my heart has been yours. I love you with everything that I am.”
I press my lips against hers and kiss her softly. “I’ve wanted to tell you that for a long time.”
She smiles, but I notice concern in her features, and I know what is troubling her right before she speaks the words. I’ve never despised my friend more because even without being here, he’s still stolen this moment from us.
“What are we going to do about Asher?”
I reply with honesty because, best friend or not, I’ll never allow him to come between us. Not now that I have her. “I don’t care about Asher when it comes to you. You are all that matters. What he says and does is not important.”
“He will try to break us up.”
“It’s not going to happen. I can assure you of that.”
I don’t want to talk of Asher anymore today. He’s made his choice, and while he’s been gone, I’ve found my reason to be happy again. I never want to lose the brotherhood I have with him, and I hope in time he will accept us, but if he doesn’t, then I’ll happily walk away from the years we’ve shared if it means I get to spend the rest of my life with Nora. She is all that matters to me. I love her unconditionally, and more importantly, I made a promise to a man I miss dearly that I will always protect her.
“Now, enough about him. Your dad is waiting for those bubbles to reach him beyond the clouds.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Nora
It’s been four weeks since we said our final goodbyes to Dad. Asher still isn’t home, and although it’s been hard, I’ve been forcing myself to try and keep going. The hardest part of all is waking up in the mornings when for a split second, before I remember, everything feels right—everything seems like nothing has ever changed. Then, from nowhere, I’m brutally reminded of the loss I have in my life. It’s still surreal heading downstairs and not seeing him sitting by the patio doors. The dining table now remains jigsaw free, and I miss the times when he’d race down the hall in his chair.
But the one thing I am grateful for is Grayson.
Every day he makes me smile one way or another. Bubbles have now become our daily thing in memory of Dad, and when the low moments hit, he holds me tight for as long as I need him too. He is everything I want and know I can’t live without. And I don’t want to. If I’ve learned anything over these past few weeks, it is that life ends too quickly. Dad is a key factor in that. He lived his life; he loved those close, and he smiled every day with each new adventure he took on. And I want that with Grayson. I don’t want to wake up each morning wondering what life would have been like. I want to wake up knowing what it is like with him. I want to share my adventures with the man I love, knowing that he is a part of them, and nothing is going to jeopardize that. Not even Asher. Where I was once concerned what his reaction would be, now it doesn’t bother me at all. As far as I’m concerned, he has no say in my life anymore after leaving us all when we needed him the most. Despite the troubles of his own that he must be going through, I still don’t understand why he couldn’t come back and face them with his family. He left us. He never said goodbye to Dad, and I will never forgive him for that.
“Oh, good morning, sweetheart. I didn’t know you were awake already,” Mom says, entering the kitchen having just gotten up.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I admit.
“That’s the third time this week I’ve heard you say that.” She smiles, preparing herself a coffee. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine, Mom. Honest.” Truth is, I don’t sleep well when Grayson isn’t here. On the nights he works late, he doesn’t stay over anymore. But on those nights, I can't stand it because I can’t sneak into the spare room like a teenager and sleep beside him until sunrise.
“You know, there is a way you can change that.” She smiles, coming to sit at the dining table opposite me.
I frown. “Change what?”
“Your sleeping pattern. You could just come right out and say that you don’t sleep well when Grayson isn’t under our roof. I know you’ve been in a secret relationship with him ever since you came home but that you haven’t said anything because of your brother. And now, with your father’s passing, you still feel you can’t say anything because you don’t want to upset those close. Me included. Or am I wrong about all of that?”
I’m speechless, staring at her with wide eyes and a racing heart as I try and process everything she’s just said, regardless of the fact it’s true. But the shock of it all is that she’s known but has never said anything. Dad had been the same.
“You know about me and Grayson, too?” I whisper.
“Nora, sweetheart. I’m not blind. I’ve seen the way you two are together, and I’ve seen you both lost when you’re apart. Your father and I spotted the close connection between the two of you long before you knew yourself. Your dad used to say you two were destined to be together. And here you are.”
I suddenly feel so much lighter than I’ve felt in the last few weeks. Needing Mom’s approval is not something that I’ve ever truly worried about, not after Grayson said that Pop had known, but hearing her words has shifted something inside of me that I never knew was there and has made it easier to breathe.
With the way she’s looking at me now, the turmoil I’ve been surrounded by of late and my love for Grayson, I can’t help the tears that threaten. “And you’re really okay with this?”
“Of course, I am. Why would I not be? It’s Grayson.”
When I wipe my eyes, she’s out of her chair and moving to sit beside me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and turning my face to look at her just like she’s always done when I’m sad.
“I do hope they are tears of happiness?”
I nod. I’m just so emotionally torn up right now that I cry at the slightest thing, regardless of if its joy or anguish. I wish Grayson were here to share this moment because he worries there are people out there who will throw shade toward our relationship and try to break us. But regardless of that, I speak the truth to my mother.
“I’m in love with him, Mom.”
“I know you are, sweetheart. I can see it.”
“It just feels so good to be able to say it out aloud, especially to you. I didn’t want to say anything as I thought it would be too soon for you to hear after Dad. I was worried you wouldn’t approve, and I didn’t want to jeopardize anything I have with Grayson because I honestly don’t think I can live without him.”
“But, Nora, I do approve. I couldn’t think of a better man for you, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for showing that love for him while around me. I’m a big girl. I’ve had my chance at love, and your father will always be in my heart. Now it’s time to see that love and happiness through my children.” She kisses me on the head. “Don’t hide from anyone. You hear me? What you do and who you love is none of their concern.”
I dislike bringing his name up in this conversation that is filled with love and hope, but there’s one person who is playing on my mind, and despite the fact I don’t care what he thinks of my relationship with Gray, I care what my mom thinks of him when it comes to the two of us.
“And what about Asher? He won’t be so level-headed when it comes to us. I’ve never been able to be around guys without him sabotaging it somehow, and I know that regardless of Grayson being his best friend, he won’t see us as you do. Grayson will never be good enough in the eyes of Asher.”
“You leave your brother to me.” She holds my stare, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, discontent clouds her features. She’s not shown this side of her when it comes to where Asher is concerned. Whenever his name has been mentioned she’s shut down. But right now, I see a storm behind her eyes.
“Your brother has no say in your relationships.”
/> Leaving her place beside me, she heads over to the sink and turns on the water to wash the breakfast dishes when she’s not eaten anything herself. Needing this conversation to continue, and knowing she’s been bottling this up, I’m eager to know where her mind is at.
“When do you think he will be home?”
“I don’t know.” It’s a simple answer, but I can now hear frustration under her tone, and I question why she hasn’t voiced her irritation about him sooner. I want to know what she feels. I want to know what she thinks, and more importantly, I want to know if my outrage matches hers.
Leaving the table, I head over to stand beside her, needing to be close so I can catch her reaction. "Are you not mad, Mom? Angry at the fact he’s lied to us?”
“Nora, please. I don’t wish to talk about it right now.”
“That he has been in California or God knows where for weeks,” I push. “That he’s not been here to support his family as we grieve. Not even phoned or made any form of contact. Does none of that matter to you?"
"Of course, it matters!" she yells, making me jump, and it’s in less than thirty seconds that she’s gone from caring and considerate to full-blown fury. "Yes, I'm angry. Yes, I want to scream at him for his absence and ask what was so important he put it before his family. Yes, I want to let him know how disappointed I am because for all Asher is the way he is, I never raised him to be selfish and heartless. And I also want to know why as his mother he couldn’t come to me and tell me what’s going on in his head. But what good will it do, Nora? It won't change anything. It won't stop the void I have in my heart and it won't bring your father back.”
"Mom..." I wrap my arms around her in a tight squeeze as she falls apart on my shoulder, my tears now falling from seeing her so powerless when she’s always been so strong. “I’m sorry. I never meant to make you cry.”
“I know. It’s not your fault.”
“And neither is it yours.”
If only Asher knew of the turmoil he’s brought to this family with his absence. He may be grieving in his own way; he may be broken—and for that, a small part of me accepts his behavior—but with my heart, and now seeing Mom so torn and broken, I will never forgive him for the distress he has caused. Mom was right: he was never raised to be selfish or heartless, but for some reason, he has turned out to be just that. And when I see him again, I don’t know how I’m going to control my temper, and I don’t care.
