by K. L. Jessop
“I don’t know where he is either,” he whispers. “But I promise I’ll find him again.”
“Then that’s all you need to do.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Grayson
The door to my house opens, and my chest tightens when Asher steps out onto the porch. Without a word, he sits on the bench in front of me, resting his elbows on his knees, his head low. This anxiety I feel is hard to comprehend. I’d wanted to be with Nora while she spoke with him but knew they needed that time alone. But now he’s sitting opposite me, the apprehension of what I’m about to encounter weighs heavy because I’m unsure which way this will play out. The moment Nora said she wanted to see him, a part of me was relieved because I’d secretly wanted that myself. The friend in me needed to know how he was. I don’t want to argue with him anymore, for the sake of Nora, but there’s also that animosity I feel after everything he’s put us through.
Watching Nora through the window fall apart in his arms, him cradling her like he once did, was not only a form of comfort but also hard to witness. All of that could have been avoided if it weren’t for his actions. The Nelsons’ could have mourned properly as a family instead of being torn to shreds from every angle. However, as much as it frustrates me that it’s led to this—that Asher has caused it to be like this—I also can’t sit here and judge him because I know what it’s like to fall into darkness.
The silence is not helping the awkwardness between us, and as Asher’s knee bounces up and down, I can tell he’s feeling more nervous than I am. Because my friend was full of hatred and harsh words just days ago, he’s the one who needs to break the ice between us, but the longer it goes on the more unbearable it gets.
“Do you love her?”
His question surprises me, not that I’d known what to expect—what might leave his lips first—but it frustrates me that he can’t even look at me.
“Yes. I've loved her for years. I’ve tried not to, but she's the only thing that makes sense in my life, and I wasn’t going to run away from that.”
“Why couldn’t you?”
“Because why would I run from something that helps me to breathe? Nora is that person for me and I wasn’t prepared to walk.”
I hadn’t realized how much I’ve needed to say that to him until the relief leaves my body, but once again, I’m met with silence, and as much as I want to make peace with Asher, I need to be with Nora. My body aches to hold her, comfort her after the tears I know she’s cried today.
“If you’ve come out here just to ask me that and say nothing else, then I’m going back inside.”
“Don’t.”
It’s only one word but it’s one that has me rooted to the ground because of how much distress comes from it. Running his hands through his hair, he pulls at his dark locks as his body trembles. When he finally looks up at me, the distress behind his eyes is a blow to the gut and the vulnerability in him is something I’ve not seen before—if ever.
“I don’t know where to start. Asking for forgiveness seems wrong because I don’t deserve it after everything I’ve done, but what else can I do?”
“Change.” I spit out, a little harsher than intended, but that’s only because the conversation has my mind right back to Nora being on the ground. I can’t deny that he’s trying to make amends, though. "I despise you for what you have put Nora and everyone through and because of that, a part of me believes you deserve to suffer. But I can’t go back inside this house and tell Nora I’ve pushed you aside when all she wants is peace and love put back in her heart. I knew she would accept your apology. I know she wants her brother back, and for the sake of her heart, I’m willing to forgive you, but I will never forget the damage you have caused. Ever. And I swear to God if you do anything like this again then we are done." I let out a heavy breath, my heart pounding as I wait for his reaction, but I’m met with silence once again and this time I’m thankful for it as it gives me a chance to control the irritation inside.
“I thought you would be harder to win around than you have been.”
“It’s not about scoring fucking points, Asher. You nearly killed her,” I growl.
“I know. I know. I’m sorry.” He lowers his head, his fingers fidgeting at his side as his leg continues to bounce up and down. His comment is out of order, but I need to give him credit for how hard this all is on him, and when he looks up at me with tears in his eyes, it proves to me just how sorry he is.
“I need help, Gray. I don’t know who I am anymore,” his voice cracks.
My stomach drops, the urge to grab him and wrap my arms around him is so powerful, but I stand my ground. I can’t let my guard down yet, as there is still so much that has happened between us.
“No one can help you, Asher, unless you are ready to help yourself. The first step is admitting you need it, but there is so much more that comes with it.”
“But I don’t know how to do it.”
“By talking, letting people know what is going on in your head instead of reaching for a bottle.”
“The bottle is the only thing that helps me ignore,” he mumbles, but it’s loud enough for me to hear.
“Ignore what? That your dad is gone? Your job? The mistakes you’ve made?”
“Me. It helps me ignore what I am!” It’s the first time he’s raised his voice, and I can see he regrets it the moment he does because he buries his head back in his hands. I’m unsure what he means, but I assume he means everything he’s become in the last few months.
“And what are you, Asher?”
I’m waiting for him to say he’s an alcoholic. I’m waiting for him to say something that will explain to me who he’s become over time because the man that was once my best friend is nothing but a stranger now. I’m waiting for him to say something that makes all of this make sense, but none of that comes.
“I’m not proud of the man I’ve become. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
I know he hasn’t had a drink since the accident and is getting support for that, but I can’t help wondering if his fidgeting is through lack of alcohol or because he is generally messed up about not knowing how to put this right.
Knowing he needs some assurance. I leave my spot on the porch and sit beside him. I don’t want to talk about Nora right now. I don’t even want to talk about Pete. I need to try and get to the bottom of all of this, so I go right back to the time where I believe it all began.
Keeping my voice level, I rip off the band-aid. "Why didn't you tell me you lost your entire team whilst out in Iraq? Why not tell me the whole story?”
His jaw tightens, his eyes slam shut, and the bouncing of his knee is replaced with heavy breaths. He’s distressed by just hearing the words.
"Because… because I was distracted. I took my eye off the ball, and I paid the price for that.”
I frown. If there’s one thing I know about Asher it’s that when it comes to doing his job, his eye is never off the game. You could scream in his ear whilst he stood pointing a gun at the target and he’d not even flinch.
“Why were you distracted?”
“Gray, please. I don’t want to do this now.” The exhaustion in his voice makes me wonder if this is the core of everything that has driven him to drink, or if he’s just tired from all the questioning he’s been put under today. Either way, it’s enough for me to know there is so much more to this than he’s letting on.
“I’m just trying to understand why you don’t talk about it.”
When he looks at me with unshed tears in his eyes, it tells me everything he’s yet to say. “Because it’s been easier for me to drink and push it aside than to talk and face up to it. I’m fucked up and I haven’t wanted to be a burden to anyone because there has been so much going on back home. I haven’t wanted to put more stress on others with my issues, so it’s been easier to remain silent and drink my demons away. Only as time has gone on, they’ve become louder."
Remorse rips me in two. I should have been
there for him. I should have been more aware of those close to me, but when you’re wrapped up in your own heartbreak, fighting to keep the one person you love more than anything alive, it’s hard to be observant. It’s hard to look outwards when you’re drowning yourself.
"Do you realize how fucking hard it has been watching you lose yourself in booze when I lost my own mother because of it?"
"I saw it in your eyes, in the comments you made. I knew how much you hated what I was doing, and I hated myself for doing it, but I couldn't stop, Gray. It was the only thing that made sense in a world that was so confusing— still is confusing. The more I consumed the louder my nightmares were and the more I envied the people around me because I wanted what they had.”
“How do you mean?”
He leaves the space beside me and begins to pace the porch. His fist opens and closes as he strides. But it’s not with anger: it’s with frustration. I let him go because for the first time in as long as I can remember, he’s talking. It might not be making sense at times, but at least he’s doing what I’ve wanted him to do for so long.
“Mark with a family. Nora with her career focus. You because you had your life together and knew what direction you were headed in."
I scoff. "Watching my Mother die is hardly a direction I wanted to go in, Ash."
"You know what I mean. You are determined and confident. You worked your ass off for Hot Tuna and people respect you for that.” He stops, pushing his hand into his chest as he speaks. “I wanted that, but all I had—and still have—was a mind full of memories I didn't want and questions I’m struggling to find the answers to."
“What questions?”
His back straightens, his fist balls, causing his knuckles to go white as he looks away from me as if I have done wrong. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It clearly does if it’s bothering you. Talk to me. Let me help.”
“You can’t. No one can.” He lowers his head and blows out a heavy breath that tells me he’s still fighting—what I don’t know. He’s hidden from me for too long now; I can’t read him anymore. There was a time when I could—or at least I thought I could—only those times are gone, and I’m unsure if I’ll ever get them back.
“Ash.”
Turning to face me, his eyes are red, his skin paler than ever as if the life has been sucked from him, and his chest rises and falls. I’m confused because the man who was pacing and getting things off his chest minutes ago, now looks like he’s had his heart ripped out.
“I’m just messed up, Gray. I don’t know who or what I am anymore. My head is all over the place, and when I try to decide which direction to go in, everything comes back to the same thing where I still can’t think straight. And where I’ll reach for the bottle to stop it, I can’t do that now because I will lose everything.”
The thick lump in the back of my throat is almost choking as I watch him slowly breakdown in front of me. I hate seeing him like this, so distraught, so confused, and if I could take it all away from him, I would. So, I do the only thing that feels right at this time and admit the words I should have said a long time ago.
“I’m sorry for failing you as a friend.”
He shakes his head, his lip trembling. “No. I was the one that did that. I failed everyone. I ran away from Dad when he needed his son because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him and then lost him anyway. And instead of coming back to make it right, asking for forgiveness and admitting that I had a problem, the addict in me played games that nearly took Nora away from us all. What kind of person does that, Gray? What kind of monster have I become?”
The weight of his confession finally takes its toll, and he cracks, breaking down before me. I don’t think twice about my next move. Standing from the bench, I wrap my arms around him, holding on to him tight as I blink back the tears. I can’t hate him for what he’s done. How can I when it wasn’t him, it was the drink? If I want my friend back, I need to be beside him while he recovers. I’ve not forgiven him, that will take time, but I will not leave him to face this alone.
“We can get through this, Asher. We can help you. But you need to want help.”
“I do. I promise I will make this right.”
“Then I’m standing right beside you.”
Nora.
I wake to the glorious, familiar smell of Duck Donuts, and I grin before I even open my eyes, my stomach now growling like a tiger as I sense Grayson’s presence in front of me.
“Please tell me that smell is not a dream, and that when I open my eyes, I’ll be in real life heaven,” I say.
He chuckles. “Real life heaven is right in front of you, baby. And there are donuts, too.”
I peep open one eye and see he’s sitting on the coffee table with the box of donuts open.
My stomach does a little dance at the sight of him. “I mean, it took you long enough. I’ve only been home for five days.”
He raises a brow. “And here I was, going to share these with you. Never mind.”
He goes to stand, and I grab his leg, pulling him back. “Have I ever told you that I love you?”
“Flattery won’t get you anywhere, Ms. Nelson.”
“Shut up and feed your broken lady.”
He chuckles.
Sitting myself up, I turn my body so Grayson can sit beside me on the couch. The cast to my broken leg is heavy, irritating me already, and it’s not even been on two weeks. “I never heard you go out.”
“I know. You were snoring too loudly to register I’d gone.”
I poke him in the ribs just as he moves the table forward for me to rest my leg up. “Ass.”
“You love my ass.”
I laugh. “Facts.”
“I saw Makenna whilst out. She’s going to come over later. Apparently, she’s still waiting to draw on your cast, but you won’t let her.”
“That’s because she’ll probably draw a big penis on it.”
“Hmm. Facts,” he says, causing me to laugh. Placing the box of donuts on my lap, I look down at the selection of nine that he’s chosen for us, and my mouth waters. Picking a peanut butter glazed one, I take a large bite and close my eyes as the flavor hits every taste bud in my mouth.
“Oh my God. You should try this,” I say, shoving it at his mouth. “So good.”
“Oh, yeah. Better than sex.”
I raise a brow at his sarcasm. “Excuse me.”
“What?” he grins. “Just saying.”
“Is someone a little sensitive because he’s not getting any bedroom love?”
“No. Yes. Maybe.”
I laugh, leaning forward to kiss him but also to remind him. “I’m sorry, but you’re the one who said no sex until my stomach was healed.”
“Yeah, I know, and you probably shouldn’t be eating donuts yet either.”
“I won’t tell if you don’t.”
“Deal. But just make sure you don’t have any more after that one.”
I won’t be able to anyway. My diet has change since my operation, and I feel fuller faster as my body gets used to working without a spleen. “I won’t.”
He kisses my head. “You heard from Asher today?”
“Not yet, but he’s coming over to see Mom later.”
After Asher and I had talked at great length the other day, he’d admitted that he doesn’t feel he has mourned for Dad yet. Masked by the alcohol and poor decisions, he’s yet to accept that Pop has finally gone, and with him not being here for the funeral, he’s finding things a lot more difficult to process. With that burden on his shoulders alone, it’s much more important to get his head sorted. Once we had started to fix the troubles between the two of us, he’d then gone out to make amends with Grayson. They’d talked for some time and are slowly getting their friendship back on track. Now my heart is full of warmth and feeling stronger than it has been in a long time. There is still a long road ahead for all of us but together, we can all rebuild what we’ve lost.
“I’m glad he’s kee
ping his promise to keep in touch with everyone. It will help him heal faster I think.”
“Same. There’s still a long way to go for everyone to get back to where we all were. But we’ll get there.”
“I hope so. Pop would want that.”
“Which reminds me,” he says licking his fingers clean. “I didn’t just get donuts to lift your spirits.”
“You didn’t?”
“Nope.”
Leaning down to collect the bag from the floor that I hadn’t noticed, my hearts skips when he pulls out a tube of bubbles. Not having had my daily dose of bubbles in a while to keep the smile on my face, my eyes fill.
He really does think of everything.
“Grayson, I’ve just got my emotions under control and you start me off again.”
“Baby, you can cry around me as much as you want if it makes you feel better. You’re still coming to terms with so much.”
I sniff back my tears, not wanting to cry any more than I have since being home. “I’m still trying to work out what I did to deserve you.”
“You didn’t do anything, Nora. I fell hard for the person that you are and that will never change. No matter what life throws at us.”
God, I love this man more each day.
“Tell me everything is going to be okay,” I whisper, placing my hand over his heart.
“I don’t have to because you know it will.”
“I love you to the universe and back, Mr. Bennett.”
“I love you beyond that, Shortcake.”
Leaning forward, he kisses me with a passion that has my body and heart dancing. If there is any feeling bigger than love, then that is what I feel right now. Everything about this man takes my breath away. I knew that one day Grayson Bennett would be my forever. What I didn’t know was that he would become so much more and fill my heart with a love I never knew existed. The connection between us had been too great to ignore. Our souls had spoken and pulled us together with the force of gravity.
