by Donn, KL
Lipstick.
Light pink or red.
She fucking kissed me.
Yeah, this girl, I’m gonna like her.
I settle in with a fresh piece of paper and pen and begin writing again. Ignoring the ruckus coming from outside when the fools should be trying to get some shut eye. Morons.
Sweet J,
I have some names I’ve thought up… Tell me if I get one right will ya?
Janice, Jesse, James, Jiji, Jezebel, Jackie, Jorja, Juniper, Jupiter! That last one just came to me, it’d be pretty cool.
So am I close? Probably not. You’ll tell me. I know you will.
Twenty-three huh? Still a young buck. What do you do for fun? Any boyfriends I should be worried will be jealous we’re talking? I’m partial to corny movies too, no matter how many times you shout “Don’t run up the stairs” they always do. Haha. Can’t say I understand the shoe fetish though. I might have to see this for myself one day.
Home for me is Fort Meade, I haven’t got any family waiting on me back home, I was orphaned as a child and the Navy was my way off the streets and having purpose. Now don’t freak out but I saw you’re in Odenton. I wouldn’t complain about meeting you. If that’s something you’re interested in.
I should probably be all pounding my chest and acting like a caveman about you calling my gender dumber as we age, but after today I have to agree.
It gets incredibly boring here some days, and today the younger boys in my platoon decided to play a joke on my Lieutenant. Gage is a pretty chill dude, for the most part, but these morons decided to fuck with his stash of homemade cookies from some girl he’s pen paling it with too. He’s tight lipped about her, so I don’t know much. Yet.
He’s attached to them cookies, almost like you and your shoes I’m sure. Well, they took his cookies and replaced them with these mud/shit combination things. I don’t fucking know. But well let’s just say a couple of them will be walking funny for a while.
I had to write them all up, and file a bunch of paperwork before I could read your last letter, and I wish I’d have helped Gage whoop their asses now.
Honestly though? I’m glad they haven’t seen the shit Gage and I have. Being here is pretty tame to some of the missions we’ve been on. All we do here is patrol and help the locals. It’s quiet, peaceful. Boring.
And that’s my cue to hit the hay.
Keep it weird.
Yours, Killian.
P.S. I like the kiss ;)
P.P.S. I wouldn’t object to a picture…
Squealing, I lay back on my bed with a flop. I don’t know what it is about this stranger, but I’m insanely drawn to him. I want to tell him everything, and anything that runs across my mind.
He wants to meet me. He wants my picture. “Oh. My. God!” I laugh again.
He sounds so real, and genuine. Killian is most definitely someone I could get to know better. In fact, I think it’s the first time in my life I feel anything for a man. I shouldn’t feel such a connection to someone I’ve never met, but I can’t help it. He calls to me like a song.
We’re two peas of the same pod.
Or that’s what my lonely mind tells me.
A knock on my door distracts me from writing him back immediately, like I normally would. Placing his letter in the small box on my table I have just for him, I walk to the door with a pout on my face.
Looking through the peep hole I see it’s my neighbor, Neil. Trying to hide the annoyance on my face as I open it, I greet him, “Hey, Neil. How can I help you?” It’s a moot question, he doesn’t want anything other than to bug me.
He does this a few times a week. Comes over for no reason, makes small talk and asks me out. I’ve never led him on, but he doesn’t seem to want to take no for an answer either. We’re at this point where I need him to leave me alone now.
His lecherous glance up my body makes me want to vomit. “I was wondering what you’re doing for dinner?”
My eye roll is only in my mind as I tell him, “I’ve got plans tonight. Sorry.” I give him a false smile. I’m not completely lying, I do have plans. To write my letter back to Killian.
“Oh,” he looks crest fallen, “Another time then.” Before I can dispute and tell him once again, there will be no other time, he’s gone.
Closing the door, I’m quick to lock it and make my way to the table to write back to Killian. Neil completely forgotten.
The rapport of gun fire could be heard throughout our camp as rebels continue to fight back against the corrupt government. Dead bodies had littered our entire patrol as we scanned for survivors in the villages and on the side of the road.
It was an emotionally draining day. The younger men had finally seen what Gage and I had been trying to tell them since we landed eight months ago. The desert was a brutal killer, whether by gun fire, or the elements was the only question.
Sitting down at my desk to sign off on the action report Gage had handed me I see a package on my desk, and for the first time I don’t smile thinking of reading her sweet words. I actually dread tainting her letter with my morose mood. Shoving the box under my desk, I leave it for now. Waiting for when the smoke has cleared from my mind.
“Captain St. James?” One of the Privates calls from the open doorway.
“Come in,” I tell him. He stands at attention in front of my desk, and no matter how hard he tries to mask the pain I see in his eyes, he fails. This is the privates first tour, and the last twenty-four hours has played with his mind. “At ease Soldier,” I tell him.
He visibly relaxes and sits in the chair beside him. He’s quiet, looking down at his hands. Fidgeting in his seat and I know he’s trying to process what he’s seen.
“I,” he has to stop and clear his throat. Gage walks in quietly behind him with a water bottle, “I wasn’t prepared,” he says, as he’s handed the water.
“No one ever is,” Gage comments, while sitting on the corner of my desk closest to the private.
“Is it always like this?” He asks, and I’m taken back through all of my tours. The blood and violence, and the boring endless days.
“Not always no. But no matter where they send you, it will always be in hostile territory and a possibility. This, what happened today, was unavoidable.” I watch as he nods at my words.
“But the children?” His words are tight.
“Why did you join the Navy private?” Gage asks him.
“To be something bigger than myself, to make a difference in the world.” His answer has more conviction than I’ve seen from him since we got here.
“Then hold onto that and remember it, because shit’s going to get worse before you can make it better.” I tell him.
“Thanks Captain,” he says standing, giving a salute before walking out.
Gage whistles as soon as he’s cleared hearing distance, “You think he’ll last long out here?” He looks back to me.
“Once he sees a bit more action, I think he will.”
“You hear from your girl again?” He changes subjects.
“Got a box from her.”
“And?”
“Nothing, I haven’t opened it yet.” He scowls at my answer. “What about your girl? She still writing to your sorry ass?”
“Touché,” he says, and walks out.
Reaching under my desk, I grab the box and place it on the desk. Whipping out my Swiss army knife I slice through the taping to see what she’s sent me. With her letter on top saying read me first, I smile feeling the lightest I have all fucking day as I open the envelope.
Dear Killian,
Well I guess it’s not all bad I suppose. I love the way it just rolls off my tongue seamlessly. I bet you get that a lot, huh?
Jorja? Juniper? I suppose it could be that bad. Maybe it’s better, I dunno. I’ve got a lot of flak for it all my life. I think it was my parents’ way of getting back at me before I could ever become a pain in their asses.
Has anything interesting happened over t
here since you’ve arrived? How long have you been there? I mean other than the pranks on poor Gage. How horrible! And disgusting.
Fort Meade isn’t too far from me, I suppose it would be easy for us to meet once you come home. If you really wanted to, that is. Don’t feel like you have to, I won’t be hurt.
Some more weirdness for you, I have this neighbor, he’s nice I guess. In a weird kind of way, like weirder than my weird. Anyway after I read your last letter, he was knocking on my door to ask me out for what feels like the hundredth time, probably more like thirtieth though. I’ve never really led him on or anything, but he just won’t take no for an answer, and keeps asking.
At first, I thought it was cute, now I wish he would just back off. Is this what men are like when they’re on the hunt? Cause if so, I want no part of it. It’s creepy as all get out. I’ll stick to my books and shoes if that’s the case.
How many months until you come home now? Four?
When you see the picture I’ve put in the box, remember you asked for it ;)
As for the contents of the box well I hope you enjoy. There’s a little extra in there if you feel up to sharing.
xoxo,
Jersey…
P.S I’m glad you like the kiss.
P.P.S I’ll be okay with a picture too…
P.P.P.S Please don’t show that picture to anyone.
Ripping through the box on the search for the picture I’m blown the fuck away as I get my first glimpse of Jersey… Fucking Jersey, never would have guessed that as her name either.
Long curly dark brown hair, blue eyes as clear as the Caribbean. Small in stature, fragile almost. But damn her legs go on for miles. The cute little flowered tank and white cut off jean shorts she’s wearing add to her youthful look.
Hell, I’d love to make her mine.
Nerves have my heart racing as another letter is in my mail box from Killian. Feeling eyes on me, I look around to see Neil watching me from his window. Ever since my last rejection he’s been strange. And not in a good way.
He’s gotten creepier, he watches from his window whenever I come home from work or leave. It’s to the point where I try not to leave the house at all. I can always feel his gaze on me. Burning a hole through me as he watches every move I make. I can’t handle much more of this.
Closing all the curtains and checking all the locks around my small house, I still don’t feel satisfied that he can’t see me.
Dismissing him from my mind I grab the box of letters from Killian, and the new one off the table and make my way to the back of the house where my bedroom is.
Slipping out of my clothes, I grab a black teddy from my dresser that was given to me as a gag gift. After the past few days of dealing with parent-teacher conferences and Neil being creepy, I need to feel sexy without feeling dirty about it.
Once settled in bed I bring the envelope to my nose and breathe it in, imagining he’s sitting here next to me, and not thousands of miles away.
Sweet Jersey girl,
Gotta say, it’s way fucking better than you led me to believe it would be. After seeing your gorgeous picture, I think Jersey suits you perfectly. And I’m sure your folks weren’t trying to torment you.
Tell me about this fool who thinks he can mess with you? Does he know you got a man? I’ll be all too happy to whoop his ass when I get home. Especially, if he tries to up his game. The moron obviously needs a lesson in manners.
Not a lot interesting has happened, or at least it’s not interesting to me. The day I got your last letter there was a rebel attack on government troops for hostile attacks on the villages. We go in after and it’s not pretty. For the first time since you started writing to me, I didn’t immediately open your letter. I needed to decompress the rage blasting through my system. I felt like if I didn’t I would somehow taint it.
Not exactly sounding like some badass soldier boy now, am I?
We offer refuge and medical aid to those who need it, and tonight one of my younger privates had to come to me for guidance. I hope I gave him what he needed. He has promise and after his contract is up, I think he’ll re-enlist. He’s going to be one of those men who make a difference in this shitty fucking world. He’ll do good where and when he’s needed.
I dream of you Jersey, every night I go to bed with you on my mind. Your letters under my pillow. Your picture pinned up beside my bunk.
I dream of the day I’ll get to hold you in my arms for real. It may be too soon, or too intense, but Jersey you’re the light in my dark world right now. You wrote to me at the right time, I think. Do you believe in fate? I sometimes feel like you were sent to me.
My commitment to the Navy is just about up and until now I didn’t really have any idea what I was going to do when I got home. I had nothing to go back to and with you, I feel like I do.
I’m coming home in three short months Jersey, and I’d give the world to have you waiting for me when I step onto that tarmac.
Yours,
Killian
P.S. I hope the pictures okay.
P.P.S. I only shared those oatmeal cookies with Gage because you asked me to. Cut that shit out. Anything you make is mine, anything involving you is mine.
“Mercy,” I fan my face with the envelope his letter had come in. Completely surprised and unprepared for the things he’d said at the end. Perhaps it was the situation they had been in, he’d needed to feel alive and I was an outlet for that in a way.
I must admit he gave me the chills though. Knowing he was feeling the same things I am, it’s such a relief. I don’t know what it is about this connection but I feel more for him than I have any other man.
It could be because we have nothing physical, we’re getting to know one another as people rather than sexual beings. I can’t say I really care when all I want is to be in his arms.
Laying back in the bed, I place his letter in my special box, all thoughts of Neil’s creepiness has fled my mind as I fall asleep to the idea of being in Killian’s arms.
Dearest Killian,
I’m sorry your men had to see that. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be in combat. Let alone have to guide the freshman through the fire. I admire you and Gage on that front for sure. I’m too soft for anything like that. Give me ice cream and screaming eight year olds any day of the week.
I’m glad you shared with Gage, though this time I included a few things special for you. I hope you enjoy. I’m glad you like my picture, I must say it was hard to find one that was even remotely flattering. The camera and I do not agree.
The photo you sent me is exactly how I’ve imagined you in my mind. The little bit of salt in your hair is very appealing. I have a feeling you’re going to be much taller than I anticipate and I’ll feel like a smurf. I’m barely five feet tall so it’s not hard to do. I must admit you are very handsome in your dress blues. Was that a ceremony you were posing for? You looked so serious.
Will the Navy allow me to be waiting for you, when I’m not a listed family member? My father may be in the Navy but I can’t begin to understand how non-family stuff goes. Though I suppose I could ask him and suffer through the Spanish Inquisition and subsequent lecture. I wonder if you two might know each other. Maybe I’ll get the courage to ask him one of these days.
I can imagine you’re counting down the days until you leave. Do you miss home? The conveniences that I probably take advantage of most? I think I’d miss long hot showers and clean water more than anything.
I’ve got tests and papers to grade tonight. Fun and exciting, I know. I did have the children write letters to other soldiers, and for the most part they really enjoyed it. Some have even taken to keep on writing to them, and I must say I couldn’t be prouder of those who did.
See you on the tarmac.
Stay safe.
Always yours,
Jersey girl
When she says she had something special in there for me she wasn’t lying. Rifling through the contents, I see a few
pictures of her. In different states of dress. Or rather undress.
“Holy fuck,” I murmur. Quietly looking around to make sure no one else can see.
Sheer black teddy that only gives a hint of her skin and the delicacies hidden beneath. Another of her peaking back over her shoulder, naked from the waist up.
I think drool might be dripping from my chin as I stare at her photos. Nothing is overly revealing, just hint enough for me to know she’s as interested in me as I am her.
Stashing the photos back in the envelope they’d come in, I prepare to write her yet another letter. Describing in great detail the things I’d love to do to her. The ways I want to be with her.
An explosion on base interrupts my plans as war breaks out and I don’t get to write to my Jersey girl again.
He’s supposed to be home now. I wonder daily about him. After the pictures I sent to him I never heard back. Every time I think about him my heart squeezes so tight I can’t breathe. I’m terrified I ruined everything between us. That I took it too far.
His picture is all I have to hold onto. His tall frame makes me wish I could feel his arms wrapped around me, assuring me everything’s alright. His eyes, those soulful green eyes–how I wish they would eat me up as I meet him on the tarmac.
School has been out for a month and all I have time to do is think about what I could have done wrong. That maybe I had misread the situation. Now as I eat what feels like the tenth gallon of Ben & Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream, I know I shouldn’t have sent those pictures.
I wish I could take it back.
Talking to Killian gave me more joy than I had ever imagined. He became a friend I could confide in. Something I lacked in my life.
I’ve thought about finding another soldier to write to, the only problem is I don’t think I could handle another emotional connection like we had, only to lose it so suddenly.
I feel so selfish about the entire thing. So many bad scenarios have run through my mind about what could have happened to him that the most favorable is I’ve scared him off. It’s preferable to him being injured or worse yet, dead.
