“They still don’t know?”
“No. Logan has no idea. My parents don’t even know I’m back. I told no one. None of this. No one knows what really happened.”
She bites her lip and leans into my chest. My arms go around her. I pull her closer to me and we stay like this for a long time. We’re both lost in thought. Slowly, her sugar and cinnamon scent replaces the smell of blood in my memories. The heat from her skin warms the cold in my soul. Her touch heals my pain. Her presence chases away ghosts. Like always, when she’s near me, there isn’t room for anything else. She fills all my dark and empty spaces until there’s nothing left, but I need to pull her closer to me still. I tighten my grip on her—a drowning man holding on to the last source of air.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
We stay in that position for a long time. Me, between his legs, Liam holding me and letting go of his memories. His body relaxes into mine with each passing minute and I wonder why me? Why of all the people in his life, he chose me to talk to? Then I remember why we’re here. For a few blessed moments, Liam’s pain made me forget mine. His sharing strengthened me. I understand what he’s doing. What he’s doing for me. In confessing his darkest secret, in trusting me with this, he’s letting me know I’m not alone. He’s letting me know he’s here for me and that I can trust him too. He’s sharing his pain and in doing so, making my own pain lessen somehow.
His vulnerability and openness make it possible for me to be honest with myself. When his words break the silence, they are soft, just above a whisper, but the weight of them nearly crumbles me.
“He raped you.”
I suck in a breath and nod. Liam is not asking, he’s making an assertion.
“He drugged you and you had no idea who it was until now.”
Again, I just nod.
“Tell me what happened, River.”
I move away from his lap then, needing to put some distance between us for this. I sit with my legs crossed and face him. But Liam doesn’t let me go far. Mimicking my position, he pulls me back until our knees touch. It strikes me then that he’ll be the first person to know what happened that night. That he’ll be the first person I’ll talk to about it. Not my sister, not Becca or any of my friends. Not my mother or my father and not the police. But this man, this man who spends most of our time together teasing me and challenging me. This man with eyes that search my face and see into my soul. He knew it the moment I figured it out myself. I saw the look on his face and he knew it. Logan didn’t pick it up. Skye is utterly oblivious, but Liam realized Jon had raped me at the same time I found out myself.
I let my eyes drop to my lap and close them, allowing the few memories I have to float back in. I’ve spent the better part of a year trying to forget them. Probably not in the best way to deal with them and now I’m inviting them back in. Liam’s patient. He doesn’t push or ask again but waits for me to be ready.
“It happened about a year ago. I was at a frat party with my friend Becca. We hadn’t been there for an hour when Becca told me she was leaving for some guy she met. I drank nothing besides a soda. The guy Becca left with had a car and she gave me her keys so I could drive myself home. I thought one beer wouldn’t hurt me and I could go back to water or soda after. I wasn’t planning on staying late because I had a paper to finish. The party had been Becca’s idea. After that things get fuzzy. I remember seeing Jon outside, but I ignored him and didn’t think he had seen me. I walked to the keg and got a cup and filled it myself. It wasn’t even filled to the top. I went back to the living room and sat with some people I knew from sophomore year.”
I concentrate, trying to recall anything I might have overlooked before, now that I know it was Jon. And it comes to me. I look up with a sharp inhale of breath as a sliver of memory fights through the haze of that night.
Liam picks up on my reaction. “You remembered something right now, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
I look at him, willing the bits and pieces to fit together. “There was this one thing that always bothered me, but it was just outside my grasp.”
“What is it? Do you remember?”
“Yes, I think I do.”
I take a deep breath. “I’m always careful with my drinks whenever I go out. I’ve never trusted anyone to get me anything. I’m not stupid. I know shit like this happens.” I laugh a humorless laugh. “I never expected it to happen to me.”
“No one does.” Liam waits for me to gather my thoughts.
“It always bugged me that I couldn’t figure how I was drugged. But now I think I know.”
I shift on the bed and roll my shoulders. Liam reaches with both hands and squeezes them, kneading the tension away. When he drops his hands after a few minutes I continue.
“My phone was buzzing and when I tried to get it out of my pocket someone bumped into me and I instinctively raised my cup hand so it wouldn’t spill on me. The person apologized, and we talked for a moment. I remember seeing Jon walking across the room. And now I realize he had been somewhere behind me. I think when that guy bumped into me, Jon put something in my drink.”
I close my eyes, letting the images flow back to me. “I remember feeling nauseous and dizzy, and going upstairs to look for a bathroom to splash cold water on my face and escape the smell of cigarettes. I remember getting to the bathroom and waking up hours later but nothing in between.”
“What happened when you woke up?”
My lips tremble and the sting of tears follows. That was the worse of my memories. “I was very confused, had no idea where I was or what had happened. I had a horrible headache, and it felt like I was drunk and had a hangover at the same time.” My eyes drop to my lap. This was the hardest part, what happened after I got my bearings, what I realized then. “I was lying inside a bathtub and someone had thrown a towel over me. The shower curtain was closed, and the light was on.” I squeeze my eyes shut and take three deep breaths. When I look up at Liam, I can feel the tension radiating from him, but he says nothing. He waits for me to be ready to speak again and I’m grateful for that. “I noticed I was missing one of my sandals. And that”—I choke on the next words—“that my underwear was caught around my right ankle. Then the pain hit me. And when I looked down at myself, the skirt of my dress was hiked up around my waist and there was blood smeared on my thighs.”
“Jesus! He hurt you so bad he made you bleed?”
I look him in the eyes. “I was a virgin, Liam.” I can see the surprise on his face.
“Everyone thinks I was hooking up left and right and I did have my share of boyfriends and dating. But after seeing what Skye went through with her high school boyfriend, I decided I’d have all the fun I could and still keep my V-card until I was one hundred percent sure the guy I was with would not dump me a week later and then tell stories about me.” I smile a fake smile and he knows it.
“I guess it’s a moot point now. He took that away from me, too.”
“I’m so sorry, River. No one should have to go through anything like this and knowing he took that away from you. . .”
He touches my face, wipes away a rogue tear. The gesture so gentle, it’s barely there. His eyes search mine, for what I don’t know but he must have found whatever he is looking for, because absolute determination takes over him.
“I’m going to kill him.”
“If anyone is going to kill him, it will be me.”
I steel myself and tell Liam the rest of the story. “After a few minutes I pieced together what happened. I got out of the bathtub and I found my purse on the floor. When I took my phone out, it was off. I know it was fully charged when I left the house and it had been on, so he must have turned it off. When I pressed the power button, and the phone turned on again, it was five twenty-three in the morning. There were several missed text messages and calls from Skye. The house was silent. My legs were very unsteady and I grabbed the sink to pull myself up. I found my other sandal behind the toilet bowl. Then the heaves started
, but there was nothing in my stomach to come up. When I looked at myself in the mirror I didn’t recognize the face reflected in it. I was so pale and my eyes looked glazed over, dead. I checked my body and found black and blue marks all over. There were purple welts on my upper arms as if someone had grabbed me very hard. I could see clear fingerprints on my right arm.”
Liam’s hands fist in anger.
“I realized then I’d been raped.” The emotions of that day rush over me and I speak with my eyes closed. I cannot bear to look at Liam and see pity in his eyes.
“My first instinct was to call the police, but fear and shame slammed into me. My legs wobbled and I sat down on the side of the tub, staring at nothing, I don’t know for how long. I looked down and saw my panties still twisted around my ankle. I steeled myself and took deep breaths. I thought about what I could say to the cops. What did I have to go on? I was at a party and I drank half a cup of beer. It had to be laced with something because one cup of beer would not have knocked me out. The last thing I remember is getting up to go to the bathroom, but I did it alone. No one helped me up the stairs or down the hall and then … nothing. I don’t remember walking into the bathroom or if anyone followed me inside. But someone must have. Even if I remember nothing after that, someone had to have been watching me and waiting for the drugs to take effect. Then he followed me into that bathroom, raped me and left me behind. When I touched myself, the blood was dry, and there was no semen. Whoever it was, he used a condom. Years of psychology classes kicked in then and I instantly compartmentalized whatever I was feeling. I had studied trauma cases in the three years at RU. I knew all the phases I would go through. I couldn’t let everything hit me at once. It would crush me. One step at a time, I thought. First, clean myself up. Second, get out of there. Third, figure out what happened. Fourth, come up with an excuse for Skye. If I told her any of it, she would call our parents and next thing I’d know, I would be home listening to crystal singing bowls and receiving Reiki and energy therapy.”
“Now that you do know, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. It will be his word against mine. I can’t testify because I don’t remember anything. I can’t say for sure it was him. All we have is circumstantial evidence.”
“I just want to kill the bastard, but Logan will know what to do.”
“You can’t, Liam. Promise me you won’t go after him. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”
The pleading in my eyes can’t be denied and he nods.
“That’s not enough, Liam, please. I need to hear you say it.”
“I won’t go after him, I promise.”
I looks at him for a long time, trying to assert if I can trust his word. Finally, I find what I’m looking for and my shoulders relax.
“Death is too good a fate for some people. I’d much rather send him to prison where he’ll be someone’s bitch.”
He laughs as a little of my spitfire spirit comes back. It would poetic, wouldn’t it? To see a rapist on the opposite end of the equation.
Chapter Thirty
I forget my own pain when I look at Liam. The words that came out of his mouth were hard to hear. My heart breaks for him. For all that he endured and for what he’s doing for me right now. He knew. I don’t know how he knew, but he did. And it’s so much worse for him than it is for me. He has memories and nightmares that will haunt him forever while I have the knowledge but no memories. I have been spared that. I’m thankful for it. We all deal with our demons differently. For me it was always the not knowing. The idea that he—the man who attacked me—could be anyone and anywhere. That he could have been a classmate, a friend, or a complete stranger. And not knowing took away control over my emotions and my body. He had that. He had that knowledge, and I didn’t.
But now, now that I know who he is, I can take control back. Knowing gives me that. Having a face and a name to go with my attacker heals something in me. I can’t change what happened. But I can change how I live from now on. I’m taking charge of my body, my thoughts, and my actions again. I’m no longer driven by a faceless monster. Now I’m driven by the need to make him pay and the need to create new beautiful memories where the blank spaces exist. He took a piece of me. A tiny piece. But he didn’t take my worth, or my courage, or my zest for life. He can’t have that. I won’t allow it.
My monster didn’t have a face until today, and now that he has one, now that I know who to be on the lookout for, the need to watch over my shoulder all the time lessens. Going to parties I didn’t want to go to try to trigger a memory, socializing with people I didn’t want to be around in hopes someone would say something—all that can stop now. I can stop faking it for Skye’s benefit. I can trust again. I have a target and I have a goal. Jon will pay. One way or another. He’ll pay.
Looking into Liam’s eyes, I find that right now they’re more blue than gray, as if the storm I so often saw in them is finally gone.
I kiss him. I lean into him and let my lips graze his. I feel his harsh inhale when he takes the breath out of my mouth and into his, and when he exhales, it’s my name on his breath over my lips. He doesn’t take over as I expect him to—he lets me explore and take control. He gives me power over him.
With a simple kiss Liam makes me whole again.
I change my position, crawling forward until I’m straddling him. I run my fingers through his hair, grasping it at the base of his neck and pull him down to me. His hands resting on my hips flex and his fingers grasp me. “River,” he whispers, his eyes searching mine. “What are you doing?”
“Shh,” I shush him and lean up, bridging the last few inches between our lips kissing him for real now. More than a graze, I taste him. I let my lips meet his and I nibble his bottom lip. When I hear the groan that escapes him, I smile against his mouth. I did that. Then I pull his face closer and open his lips with mine and let my tongue dip into his mouth. I relish him. I savor Liam and he tastes better than I ever imagined. He kisses me back gently, his hands fisting on my hips as if he’s trying to exert control. But I don’t want control right now. I don’t want him to hold back. I want all the promises he made me. I want all the things he said he would do to me if I just asked. And I’m asking right now. Without words, I’m asking, but Liam’s still holding back. I deepen the kiss and whimper when he meets my demands and kicks it up a step higher. His hands tremble with exertion on my hips. I tug at his hair and break the kiss, murmuring his name against his lips. He moans against mine, and his hands finally move.
He grabs me harder and shifts my body over his and—oh God, I could die right now. He’s so hard under me and I can feel him pressing into me. One of his arms wraps around my waist and the other tangles into my hair, tilting my head, and he finally, finally takes over our kiss. My hips move of their own accord and I’m rocking and pressing into him, into his hardness—I love how good it feels. I curse the clothes on our bodies that keep us apart. He kisses me like he’s been waiting his whole life to do it, his tongue on mine. He sucks and nibbles and challenges me to meet his demands.
“Jesus! River—” He pulls his mouth from mine just to return it to my neck. He grazes the skin there and the rough day-old whiskers on his chin make me shiver.
The hand tangled into my hair tugs my head back, not gently but not hard either. His lips trace patterns of his own making on my skin. His tongue darts out and he licks and nibbles at me. He traces the contours of my jaw and nibbles on my ear and then he bites me. He follows the bite with open-mouthed kisses.
Holy shit, that’s hot! I’m burning. My skin is on fire and he hasn’t even touched any of the good parts yet. And then I remember I have hands too and this whole time I’m just holding on to him. I let my hands travel up his arms and I love the feel of the muscles flexing and contracting under my palms. And when he licks the hollow of my throat, I dig my fingers into his shoulders, then move my hands over his chest and lower over his stomach. His abs contract under my fingertips when he sucks in a
breath. I let my hands stay there, tracing the ridges and lines as his mouth returns to mine. I want to move my hand lower, but my position on top of him doesn’t allow me to and I don’t want to stop. No, I can’t stop pressing myself into him because it feels so, so good, but I need more and I need more right now.
“Liam,” I speak into his mouth, pulling away from him just enough to look into his eyes. They’re dark with lust and something else I can’t identify. Gray and blue mingle in his irises. A clear day breaking through storm clouds.
“Liam,” I say his name again and he looks at me and shakes his head once.
“Not like this, River. Not when we’re dealing with so much pain, not right after all we talked about.”
“I want new memories, Liam. And I want them with you.”
“I want you and I want a thousand memories with you. I will have you and I will give you those memories. I will make you mine, I promise you, but not right now, not today,” he says.
Whimpering, I press into him, rocking into his hardness trying to lessen the ache between my legs. I haven’t dated anyone or even touched myself in over a year. My body rebels and demands satisfaction.
“I need, I need . . .” I let the unsaid words dangle between us.
He smiles at me with that wicked smile of his. “Okay, there’s something I can do.”
Before I know it, he’s flipped us over on the bed and I’m lying on my back and he’s firmly pressed between my legs, rocking into me. He searches my face and finds whatever he’s looking for because he leans over and kisses me. I’m so hot with need and frustration I want to cry, but Liam can read me and he reaches around my right thigh, grabs my butt, and pulls me up, changing the angle in which he’s grinding into me and just seconds later my whole body seizes and tightens up, I want to scream, but there are no sounds coming from me as my back arches off the bed and I’m coming for seconds and minutes and days. All the anger, frustration, all the pain and shame, all the fear I carried with me for the last year, gone, released. My body completely relaxes for the first time in over a year. Liam gave me that. He freed me. The irony of it hits me. Making out with Liam, this almost sex, took away the ugliness of my rape. As I come down from my high, I realize I’ve just had the best orgasm of my life and I didn’t even take my pants off. A girl could get used to this. When I finally open my eyes and look at Liam, he’s smiling at me.
Because of Liam Page 10
