Amber to Ashes

by Gail McHugh

  I shake my head, wondering how sick he really is. “You’re out there,” I whisper. “Like, mental hospital out there.”

  “Mm, see what you do to me?” He pinches my nose again, giving it a light shake. “You have me sinking to the lowest depths of morality.”

  “At least you’re aware you’re not beyond using an innocent child to get what you want.”

  “Only for you,” he points out, wiggling his brows. “Consider yourself special.”

  I scoff, convinced he’s delusional.

  “How can I scare her?” Casey asks with a pout. “They’re just questions, Ry. Mrs. Langley says to ask lots of them.”

  “Yeah, Ry.” I make a mental note of her nickname for him, knowing I’ll use it in the near future. “Just ignore your brother, Casey. He’s not right in his head.”

  Casey giggles and drags me across the living room. My eyes skirt over a multistained Berber carpet hidden beneath an array of roughed-up garage-sale-find-looking furniture. A beat-up plaid couch sits against the far wall. Flanking it, a makeshift end table—made from a blue milk crate and round piece of glass—adds a hint of modern flair to the space.

  Riiiggghhhttt . . . That took a ton of imagination.

  I sink onto the throwback 1970s couch and take in several posters, every single one highlighting a barely clothed model on a Harley or classic car. I know it’s a bachelor pad, but considering both Lee and Ryder make decent money pushing for Brock, I’m shocked they’re living so far below their means.

  “There’s no way you’re related to Martha Stewart,” I quip, unable to keep the comment to myself. “Not even close.”

  “Who’s Martha Stewart?” Casey asks, sidling up next to me.

  “Someone your brother’s in desperate need of.”

  Ryder chuckles and moves into his kitchen that, on its best day, could hold three people crammed shoulder to shoulder. He snags an apple from the counter and makes his way back over to us. After handing it to Casey, Ryder turns his blue eyes on me, a crooked grin breaking out across his face. “Nope. No relation. Now, are you ready for our date with SpongeBob?”

  “As I’ll ever be,” I answer, matching his idiotic grin.

  He plops down next to me and flips the television to what I assume is the appropriate station. A whacked-out sailor pelts out a tune, and Casey squeaks in excitement, my presence old news as she hones in on a sponge with eyes and his sidekick starfish.

  Ryder nudges my arm.

  My breath catches the second my gaze connects with his.

  “So, ya plan on telling me why you felt the need to slap me again?” A curious smile crosses his lips, his voice a whisper. “Or are you gonna make me hold you down in a compromising position to get the info from you?”

  I stare into his eyes, hating the way my body responds to his slightest touch. Especially when I’m supposed to be mad. It’s the universe’s way of laughing at me. “You like talking shit to Hailey about my life, Ry?”

  His brows pull together. “What do you mean?”

  “I ran into her today, and she knows everything about what happened to me. Very few people know the full story, and now Hailey’s one of them.” I pause, trying to gauge his reaction. His face is peppered in confusion. “Was I a topic of conversation after you finished bagging her? Huh, Ry? Did it piss you off that much that I picked Brock instead of you?”

  He stays quiet for a moment, confirming what I already knew. The dick told her. I rise—ready to bounce the hell out of here—but he catches my elbow and pulls me down onto his lap.

  Casey jerks her head in our direction, nervousness all over her face.

  “We’re just playing, Casey.” Ryder winds his arms around my waist. “Right, Amber?”

  “Yep.” I give her a reassuring smile. “We’re about to deflate your brother’s football. He’ll never be able to use it again.”

  Tough guy clamps his knees together, and Casey shrugs, the sponge once again snagging her attention as I try to jack my arms out of the bear hug Ryder has them in.

  “Let me up,” I whisper heatedly. With my back pressed to his bare chest, I can’t see his face, but I hear him chuckle. “You’re an asshole. Seriously. I know you know this too.”

  He touches his lips to my ear, his voice a low sexual taunt. “Come on, momma. Do you honestly think I said something to Hailey? You know me better than that.”

  “Do I?” I attempt to wiggle from his hold. I’d have better luck trying to pry myself away from a hungry anaconda. “I’m not so sure anymore. You’re the only one . . . playing with her—”

  “Was playing with her,” he corrects, all but tossing me back onto the couch.

  My eyes go wide, Madeline’s claim officially confirmed as my mouth falls open.

  “If you try to get up again, you’ll leave me no choice but to hold you down in a compromising position.” He leans in, his nose inches from mine. “But I won’t bring you any form of pleasure when I do. No. Instead, I’ll tickle the fuck out of you,” he whispers, grinning. “I have a killer memory. You’re going to hear me out. Understood?”

  I take a second to regain my bearings. Once fully composed, I lift my hand and smash my palm against his forehead, moving him to a safe “unheated” distance.

  It’s his eyes that are wide now.

  “You have two minutes to talk your way out of this. You’ve already killed what little high I had left, and you seriously don’t want to see me pissed off.”

  He lifts an incredulous brow. “I haven’t witnessed this yet? Impossible.”

  “Not even close.”

  “Mm. Interesting and quite . . . tempting.” A lazy grin hits his face as he cups his chin, wicked thoughts swirling behind those baby blues.

  I glance at the digital clock on the DVD player. “You now have a minute and forty-five seconds, Ashcroft. I’d use the time wisely if I were you.” I cock my head to the side. “I’m happy my situation with Hailey’s brought you your daily dose of entertainment. It’s good to know my past can amuse someone.”

  He stares at me and rests his elbow on the arm of the couch, his expression melting into regret. “I didn’t tell Hailey anything, Amber. She overheard me and Brock talking about it.”

  “What?” My heart thumps with anger. I’m about to swing solo, getting rid of Brock faster than an unwelcome Jehovah’s Witness. “You guys talked about me in front of her?”

  “You’re not listening. She overheard us.”

  With my patience wearing thin—but aware there’s a child in the room—I dig my nails into my palms, trying to keep my cool. “You have one minute to elaborate before I seriously lose it. If you don’t, I will crush your football.”

  Ryder blinks, the look on his face showing that he knows I’m not kidding. “He stopped by a few weeks ago and told me your foster parents are coming to visit you again in a few months. Since shit went south the last time they came in, he wants to do something special for you and them when they’re here. Something special without involving his parents. One thing led to another, and yeah, we got into the shit that’s happened with you.” He drags a hand through his hair. “I thought Hailey was asleep, but she wasn’t. We both warned her not to say anything, but apparently she did.”

  I shake my head, wishing Brock would’ve at least told me the skank found out. Not that that could’ve prepared me—I’m not sure anything could aid in that department—but it wouldn’t have felt like such a crippling invasion.

  Ryder slips a finger under my chin, bringing my eyes to his. “You okay?”

  I jerk my head away. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  “You’re not bulletproof, peach. Stop trying to act like you are.”

  “I’m not trying to act like anything,” I scoff, uncomfortable with the direction he’s taking the conversation. I want to unzip my skin and peel it from my body.

  He
studies me for a moment, his gaze sweeping over my face. “Pain—in the form of grieving—is healthy, Amber.”

  “Oh my God, are you seriously going there? You’re cute and all, but even a dude like you can lose his swoon factor. Fast.”

  “I possess swoon factor?” A small grin graces his lips as he leans closer. “Is that a girl term?”

  I swallow, my head fuzzy from his close proximity, the dizzying smell of his musky cologne and the gray specks in his eyes unfurling my sanity as I back away. “Yeah. It’s a girl thing, and again, if you go there, it can lose its potency.”

  He flicks his attention to my lips, a soft chuckle tumbling from his mouth. “Mm. Well, you, Amber Moretti, make me wanna risk losing my swoon factor.” He sobers, his eyes finding mine. “And if you remember anything I ever tell you—no matter what—make sure it’s what I’m about to say. A kick-ass old man let me in on it before he died.” He pauses and taps my nose, his breath soft against my cheeks as he inches closer. “Our past is what shapes us, the scars it leaves behind mold us, and what we do with the shit that’s left over is what defines us. Don’t let your parents’ conflicts define who you are, peach. You’re better than that. You deserve more than you’re willing to let yourself experience. More than what you think you’re . . . worth.”

  His words, the sincerity behind them, and the way he said them—like he couldn’t grab his next breath if he didn’t—rain over me, a mist of warmth flooding my heart. Shock stills my tongue, tiny fragments of how to respond jumbled in my head as I stare into his eyes.

  As though he knows he’s left me speechless, Ryder rises and looks down at me, understanding coloring his features before he strolls into the kitchen. “You girls ready for the world’s greatest peanut butter and Fluff sandwiches?” he calls from over his shoulder. “They’ll only cost you a game of Hedbanz.”

  “I am!” Casey hops to her feet. “Amber, do you like Hedbanz?”

  “I do.” I smile and traipse into the kitchen, curiosity thick with every step. I sidle up next to Ryder, jerking my hip against his. “But how come I have a feeling they’re not the kind I think they are?”

  “Duh”—Ryder pulls a jar of Fluff from the cabinet—“of course they’re not. I’m a shit-ton cooler than that.” Like a true connoisseur, he whips together several peanut butter and Fluff sandwiches, piles them on a plate, and plucks a gallon of milk from the refrigerator. Grinning, he juts his chin toward the living room floor. “Go sit, and prepare to get that pretty little ass thoroughly kicked. I’m king at this game.”

  I snort. “I learn fast, and I’m extremely competitive. I have no doubt I’m about to embarrass you in front of your sister.”

  “You think?” He swipes a stack of paper cups from the counter and hands them to me, his I’m an asshole smirk encompassing his face. “Those are some serious fightin’ words. You sure you wanna go there?”

  “I’m already there,” I clip, making my way back into the living room.

  “Oh, it’s on.”

  As I get comfortable on the carpet, Casey goes into a detailed explanation about how Hedbanz is played. Considering it includes actual headbands—with little picture cards attached to them that only the other players can see—I can’t help but laugh. I figured it would take several shots of tequila and some homegrown vipe to get Ryder to sport anything so girly. Clearly his love for his little sister has no limits. He may not know it, but that alone catapults his swoon factor off the charts.

  Splayed out on his stomach, headband with a picture of a bicycle clipped to it in its proper place, Ryder asks, “Can you . . . ride any part of me?”

  “Yes,” Casey and I answer in unison.

  The nympho side of my brain cartwheels over thoughts they shouldn’t touch in the midst of a child’s game. Ryder sends me a wink, and I’m sure I know where he’s going to take every single question.

  “Do I make noises?” Casey inquires, her expression bright with curiosity.

  Ryder tickles her ribs. “Yup. You snore like a man.”

  She giggles and looks at me.

  “Oh, yes.” I take in the colorful parrot on her head. “You’re definitely something that makes noise.” She nods, and I glance at Ryder, ready to twirl his head like a baton. “Am I something you would enjoy . . . licking?”

  Ryder clears his throat, nearly choking on a sip of milk. I lean back and rest my palms on the carpet, laughing as I watch his pupils turn the size of teacups.

  “No,” Casey answers with a frown.

  “I’d beg to differ,” Ryder retorts, a smirk curling his mouth. “I would lick that all . . . day . . . long.”

  My crossed legs clench of their own accord, my ears humming from the predatory tone in his voice as he continues to stare at me. At this point, I’m not sure whose head I’ve twirled more.

  Casey nudges him, her nose pinched in disgust. “Eeewww, Ryder. That would taste nasty.”

  He smacks his lips together, his gaze undressing me. “Nothing about that would taste nasty, Case. To tell ya the truth, kid, I’d lick every bit—”

  “We’re getting off track here!” I blurt, my voice cracking like an angry bolt of lightning. Heated, I swipe my hands through my hair, fully aware I’ve one hundred percent screwed myself. “It’s your turn, Ryder. Play. Nice.”

  Grinning, Ryder crams a piece of his sandwich into his mouth. “Mm. Play nice . . . play nice. Let’s see.” The look in his eyes tells me he’s about to play anything but nice. “So I’m something you can ride, correct?”

  “Yes,” Casey answers with a nod, finishing up the last bite of her sandwich.

  With his attention locked on my face, dragging his teeth across his bottom lip, Ryder rolls onto his side. “Am I something you’d ride hard, fast, and reckless, then easily walk away from the next morning? Or would you experience . . . sickening . . . mind-numbing . . . unable-to-stop-yourself-from-coming-back-for-more insanity by riding me soft and slow, relishing my building for everything it’s worth on a daily basis?”

  “Huh?” Casey asks, appearing completely confused.

  I swallow, the effort close to impossible as I come to the realization that both Ryder and I have two very twisted character traits in common.

  The first: We’re grown adults who are most likely messing with the psyche of an eight-year-old child—I’m sure a professional could back up that observation. I’m also pretty sure they’d find that here and now, neither of us would be disturbed by this assessment.

  The second: I know that, if given the opportunity, we’d rip our clothes off and fuck until there was no more sexual hostility left in either of us.

  “You’re a bicycle!” I exclaim breathlessly, ripping off my headband. I get to my feet, aware I’ve officially lost my goddamn mind, my head cracking like an egg against a sizzling frying pan. “You can be ridden hard, fast, soft, or slow. Either way, no matter how one would choose to ride you, I’m sure your building would bring them copious amounts of mind-numbing pleasure. Happy?”

  Ryder lifts a single dark brow. “In more ways than you could ever imagine, especially since you can dish it but can’t handle when it’s tossed back at ya.” He rises, a triumphant smile cushioning his lips as he yanks off his headband. “And you were a snail, by the way.”

  I blink, wondering how the hell I went from wanting to kill him, to playing a board game with him, right down to mind-raping him in the span of thirty minutes.

  “Cheaters!” Casey jumps up, beaming. “I win! What’s my prize, Ryder?”

  “You, my beautiful sister, win a visit to Toys-R-Us.”

  Casey squeals in delight and runs across the room to grab her sneaks.

  Ryder plucks a T-shirt from the top of a subwoofer, a smirk reaching his eyes. “You ready, peach?”

  “I can’t.” I feel disturbingly bereft as he tosses the T-shirt over his head and shoves on a pair of Vans. “
I have to study.”

  “Surely you’re not gonna miss out on her going toy shopping, are you?”

  “Uh-uh, Ashcroft, you’re not using her again to make me feel guilty,” I whisper, firm on not letting him win. “I’m sorry, guys, but I have some things I have to finish.”

  “Please, Amber?” Casey begs, her face turning all kinds of desperate. “You can help me pick out a new Barbie.”

  “Looks like I don’t have to make ya feel guilty.” Ryder ducks his head to conceal his smirk-gone-wild as he undoubtedly notices my willpower blow to shit.

  “I do love me some Barbie,” I concede with a smile, knowing that’s a complete lie. Since I never owned one—well, one that wasn’t a disheveled hand-me-down that closely resembled our neighborhood hooker—I grew to hate the very fact that the bitch was ever invented. Hate or not, the joy in Casey’s eyes has me temporarily abandoning both studying and my childhood issues. “Let’s go make your brother spend insane amounts of money on some Barbies.”

  Casey wraps her arms around my waist, buries her cheek against my stomach, and gives me a hug, a small sigh of contentment pushing from her mouth as she squeezes me tighter. I freeze, my mind locking up against her affection. Against what’s supposed to come naturally to a child. Love, trust, and security are pure emotions, a child’s God-given right before adulthood swallows them up into a stomach churning with nothing but evil shit. Once we get to a certain age, the devil is around every corner we turn, silently waiting to make us a part of his exclusive club.

  For me—at Casey’s age—he was hiding under my bed, stripping me bare of feeling any of the emotions I was entitled to.

  I catch Ryder watching us, his expression a mixture of pain and understanding. On a shaky breath, I rest my palms on either side of Casey’s head, tilting her tiny face up to mine. She smiles, and so do I, my heart falling in what I’m sure is the closest thing to love.

  “Casey,” Ryder says, struggle thickening his voice. “You have to take your medicine before we leave, kiddo.”

  Still staring into my eyes, Casey nods and crooks her finger at me.