Amber to Ashes

by Gail McHugh

  “Ber, look at me.” Brock’s voice is panicked, his hands all over me. Face, shoulders, arms, neck, he inspects every inch of my body. “Look at me, baby.”

  I catch his eyes, the sincere worry in them sinking me. But it only lasts a second. Resting against a metal pole, I turn my head and bask in the sight of Hailey crying as she scrambles to her feet. Blood’s spilling from her nose, seeping between the grains of the wooden floorboards as her friend and a bouncer help her toward the exit. Eyes flaming hot as coals, I lunge again, attempting to nip one last piece of her before she leaves.

  Brock stops me, caging me in. “Ber, no! She’s not worth it, baby.”

  “She’s not,” Madeline says, approaching us with Lee. She swipes my hair away from my face, a sad smile on her lips. “Are you okay?”

  “Not worth it?” I scoff, ignoring Madeline’s question. “Not worth it, Brock? Apparently she was worth it to you at some point. My God, how could you lie to me about her?”

  He drops his forehead to mine, anguish thrumming through his whisper. “I didn’t lie to you.”

  “What?” I take an exasperated breath. “Yes, you did! I asked you about her.”

  “And I told you the truth. That she meant nothing to me. Every time we hooked up, I was drunk, she was drunk. That’s all it was.”

  “But you so conveniently left out the part where you double-teamed her with Ryder?”

  “Yeah, I did. Why the hell would I tell you that?”

  My eyes bug from their sockets. “Why the hell wouldn’t you?”

  “That’s not something I’d tell Madeline,” Lee interrupts, curling his arms around Madeline’s waist from behind. “Definitely not.”

  Madeline swivels her head. “Oh, really?”

  “Don’t get upset, pussycat.” He burrows his face into her neck. “It’s just not something a dude’s gonna tell his girl. Amber knew he messed around with her. She didn’t need to know the specifics.”

  “Mm-hmm,” Madeline hums as I debate whether or not to release the rest of my anger on Lee. “Did you know that Ryder and Brock . . . did the little whore?”

  “Of course I did,” he admits as Ryder approaches. “It was impossible to fall asleep while these two fuckers were banging the shit outta her in the next room.” Lee grinds his pelvis against Madeline’s ass, his tone a high-pitched, mocking squeak. “Ryder, please don’t stop. Brock, yes. Oh God, Brock, right there.”

  Ryder smacks him upside his head, his eyes drilling into Lee’s. “You’re an asshole.”

  Lee shrugs. “Bro, Amber knows what happened. What’s the big deal?”

  “Go take a walk before I make it a huge deal,” Brock grits out. “Now.”

  Madeline drags him toward the exit. “You knew about what they did with her and didn’t say anything to me?”

  Lee’s response is indistinguishable as they push through the crowd and out the doors.

  I look at Brock. “You two really did share her.”

  “Did.” Brock’s stare is pinned on mine as he brushes his knuckles along my jaw. “I haven’t messed around with her since the first time I talked to you, Ber.”

  A tear slips down my cheek. “You expect me to believe that?”

  “I swear to fucking God I haven’t,” he implores, sinking a nervous hand through his hair.

  “He’s not lying.” Ryder’s words come out soft, his face tormented. “He cut shit off with her the second he saw you.”

  Confusion and betrayal eat at the lining of my stomach, rotting away my trust. But more than anything, one emotion swells through my gut. One emotion I never thought I’d feel toward Hailey: jealousy. My heart its smorgasbord, it’s feasting on the muscle like a famished king as thoughts of that bitch enjoying their talents attack my head. She’s had what I haven’t. What I’ve craved. Visions of Brock kissing her, taking her, while Ryder indulges in some other part of her body freezes my blood.

  I sniffle, trying to find my words. “Have you two done this with any other girls, and how many times did you both bang her together?”

  “No, just her,” Brock whispers. “And I’m not sure how many times. Maybe a few over the summer.”

  I hug my stomach, my watery gaze landing on Ryder.

  Ryder lifts a tentative hand to my cheek, his finger soaking up a tear. “She was the only one,” he admits, his voice soft. “Are you all right?”

  I step back, embarrassed that I’m crying. “Yeah. I’m fine. I just wanna get out of here.”

  “Brock,” a deep voice calls.

  A glance over my shoulder reveals the bouncer approaching.

  “What’s up?” Brock hesitantly pulls his eyes from mine.

  “My boss is vexed.” King Kong’s twin rubs a hand over his buzzed head, shaking it as he sighs. “It was bad enough I let you pummel Mike, but what just happened with your girl will get me fired if I don’t toss ya outta here. I’m sorry, man, but I got bills to pay.”

  “Nah, I hear ya, bro.” Brock nods. “We were just getting ready to jet.”

  “Cool.” King Kong slaps a hand over Ryder’s shoulder, mischief tap-dancing across his face. “I gotta make this look good, okay?”

  Ryder spikes a brow. “Kevin, I don’t give a fuck how big you are. You touch me, I’m dropping your ass right here.”

  “Come on, Ashcroft. You’re gonna deny me playing this the way I should?”

  “You bet I am.”

  “All good. I’ll make up for it at Saturday’s game.” Kevin turns on his heel, a chuckle rumbling from his chest. “Your quarterback ass is mine for the sacking. Now get outta here before you guys get me canned.”

  A second of awkward silence stretches between the three of us before I head for the exit, my pulse rocketing with every step I take out into the parking lot. I pull in a deep breath, the chilled October air not much of a reprieve to my nerves as I lean against Brock’s Hummer. Emotions straddling the sharp edge of insanity, I peer up into the cloudless sky, the night washing over me like an angry wave as Brock and Ryder approach.

  “Amber,” Ryder whispers, his throat tight, rough, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way you found out about Hailey. Sorry for taking advantage of you.” He shoves a hand through his hair. “I’m just fucking sorry about everything, peach.”

  The sincere remorse and vulnerability on his face drops me, confirming what I already knew. I’m nothing but poison to these men, a dangerous vine of fucked-upness spearing its ugly thorns through their flesh.

  “God, Ryder, you didn’t take advantage of me. Please don’t apologize. You have no reason to be sorry.” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, sure I’m close to a mental breakdown. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

  Ryder palms the back of his neck and stares at me for a few seconds, sending me an understanding look before nodding and walking away. Heart in my throat, I round the vehicle and open the door, exhaustion taking over as Brock gets in. Silence shrouds the air before Brock’s soft sigh laps at my senses. My breathing skids to a stop, goose bumps beating across my skin when he leans over the console, touching his lips to my temple.

  He slowly pulls back, his green eyes beckoning my soul. “Hailey meant nothing to me, Amber. Nothing. The second I saw you, I knew you’d be mine. Needed you in my life. Our scars come in different shades, but they bind us together, baby. I know you can feel that. Can sense it when we’re together. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’d never intentionally do that. I—”

  “But you have hurt me.” I press my finger to his lips, silencing him. “And I don’t mean by you being with Hailey. I can’t hold you responsible for something you did before me, and I never would. But you keep giving me half-truths. Not telling me about selling coke. Hiding what happened to your brother. Now this bullshit with you, Ryder, and Hailey. What else are you keeping from me?”

  “Nothing,” he says softly, gu
ilt thick in his tone. “I swear on my fucking life there’s nothing else.”

  I close my eyes, wanting with everything in me to believe him. But who am I not to? Infested with lies, I’m harboring the mothership of untruths. “What was all of that before? You letting Ryder dance with me?” I open my eyes and stare into his, trying not to choke over my words. “Were you . . . for real about what you said, or was it just the alcohol?”

  “Why?” A slow grin pulls at the edge of his mouth. “Did you . . . like what we were doing to you?”

  “No.” Another lie. Anxiety tenses my muscles. “Why would you even ask?”

  “Come on, baby. I know you better than you think I do. You feel something for Ryder, admit it.”

  “What?” My breath disintegrates from my lungs as I stare at him.

  “You heard me. There’s something between you two. I’ve known it since the day we met. I feel it every time we’re all in the same room. It’s undeniable, but it’s okay. It’s human nature. Just admit it.”

  “I’m not talking about this.” Guilt cloaks me as I look off into the parking lot, my gaze catching Ryder’s as he gets into his car. He stares at me for a long moment, my heart shredding before he closes the door and pulls onto the road. “I’m not.”

  “No. You’re not running from this, Ber.” Brock’s voice is soft as he captures my chin, bringing my eyes to his. “Clean slate, baby girl. No more lies for either of us. We’re talking about it, and we’re talking about it now.” A nervous swallow pinches my throat as he kisses my lips. “No one’s denying the chemistry you two share anymore, and like I said, it turns me the fuck on.”

  “It seriously turns you on?” My thighs quiver as he cups my cheeks, dragging his lips to the curve of my jaw. “How’s that even possible?”

  “How can it not be?”

  “I . . . I don’t know. A chick all up on you would do nothing but piss me off.”

  One truth. The thought alone sickens me.

  He chuckles but sobers quickly, lust dominating his features. “I’m aware of the attraction and not at all threatened by it. I’m confident in what you and I have, and I’m cool with you exploring your want for each other while in my presence.” Brock’s mouth finds mine again, taking what’s rightfully his in a deep kiss. “The two of us together would bring you so much fucking pleasure, you wouldn’t be able to think straight. Let us, baby. Let us give you what you want. What you need.”

  The whore in me jumps at his proposal, my darkest fantasies screaming to life. Opening every door, Brock’s giving me permission to entertain the man whose mere presence has held me captive from the second our eyes met, colliding our worlds together in an explosion. Thoughts of both men taking me, possessing me, ravishing every inch of my body flip through my head, seduction crooking a drugging finger in my direction as Brock kisses me harder.

  Still, my heart’s saying this isn’t right. Love may know few boundaries, but surely this is one of them. If you love someone, have truly handed over your soul to them, this line should never be walked, let alone crossed.

  Right?

  “Say it, baby,” Brock whispers over my mouth, burying his hands in my hair.

  I moan, my body lighting up as he kisses me deeper, his tongue seeking mine in ways it never has. There’s an urgency to his strokes, a silent plea for me to give in. On a groan, he pulls me over the console, straddling my legs over his waist.

  He stares into my eyes. “Tell me you want this. Don’t be afraid to say it.”

  “How can I not be afraid?” I question, trying to understand where all of this is coming from.

  “Why would you be?” Brushing his thumb over my lips, his brows dip in confusion. “Is it the physical part? If that’s what’s bothering you, we’d make sure to take our time with you. Neither of us would hurt you. I promise you this. It’d be nothing but pleasure for you.”

  “No. It’s not that. Well, I mean, I’ve never . . .” I pause, my brain skirting over unwelcomed thoughts of my past sexual encounters. Though I’ve had what anyone would consider an unhealthy number of partners, I’ve never engaged more than one man at the same time. “I haven’t had—”

  “Two guys take you together,” Brock finishes, his voice husky as he brings my face to his.

  A blush burns my cheeks, my breathing heavy as I nod.

  Grinning, he nibbles my lip, his hands gripping my waist as he rocks his hips, making sure I feel how hard he is. “Like I said, we’d take it slow with you, baby. Nothing”—his hand floats under my skirt, his thumb circling my clit—“and I mean nothing we’d do to you would hurt.” Words a strangled whisper, he stares at me as he dips two fingers inside my warmth. “I know you want this. I can feel it. This pussy’s begging for what it needs. Let us give it to you.”

  The stimulation makes my body jerk, my nipples hardening. Before I know it, I’m riding his fingers like I would his cock, my back chafing against the steering wheel as he watches me, lust dilating his eyes.

  Do I care that I’m in a parking lot while my boyfriend’s finger-fucking me? In my world, complicated questions have very simple answers. No, I don’t care. I wouldn’t care if the owner of the bar walked up and banged on the door. At this point, I’d probably ask him to watch, if not join in.

  “Come on, baby girl. Say it,” Brock demands, his breathing ragged, his strokes becoming faster, harder.

  I moan, one hand sinking through his hair, the other resting on his thigh for support as I continue to pound down onto him. Brock growls, his mouth abandoning mine, attacking the sensitive flesh where my shoulder and neck meet. He plunges in a third finger, and my pussy clenches in response, my body melting. I can’t breathe, can’t think. All I can do is feel. Feel every inch of the numbness I crave seeping from my pores and deadened spirit, awakening something dark, but still awakening . . . life.

  Brock breathes heavily against my cheek. “Say it, Amber. Fucking say it.”

  Pussy drenched and a mere heartbeat away from losing my mind in an orgasm on his fingers, I pull Brock’s face to mine and latch my lips to his. I bite down, drawing a small amount of blood into my mouth. The heavenly copper taste washes over my tongue with our frenzied kiss.

  Brock hisses but continues his mind-fucking assault. “Jesus, Amber. Say it. That’s all I need to hear.”

  “You already did this with Ryder and Hailey,” I pant, tearing my mouth from his. “You said she meant nothing to you. What would make me think I’m not going to turn into the same thing?”

  His fingers slow, and before I can blink, he removes them from me. Sighing, he pulls me down to him and rests his forehead against mine. “Because I’d die without you. That’s why. She was a mistake, something I can never erase. But you . . . Christ, Amber, you’d never become a mistake to me. It’s impossible. Ryder was right; you are a gift. One neither of us deserves. But you’re one we’d treasure, making sure to take care of your every mental and physical need.” He drags his lips to mine, kissing me soft, deep. “I fucking love you, Ber. You’re the purest air that I have around me. I need you to breathe, to wake up. To just . . . exist. You’re my lifeline. That’s what you are and will always be to me. I need you to know that.”

  “But people don’t share someone they love,” I whisper, still confused by what he’s asking of me and even more confused that I’m so intrigued by his proposal.

  Are we both just one clusterfuck of a mess, or in some sick, demented way, did I cause this? Ignoring what I knew could harm us all, have my piteous existence and disgusting thoughts for Ryder become the culprit in Brock fearing he’ll lose me unless he shares me?

  “Am I right?” I cup his cheeks, tears stinging my eyes. “If you love someone, you don’t share them. You wouldn’t want to. I mean, you’re the first man I’ve ever felt anything for, so I have nothing to go on, but isn’t it bad that we’re even entertaining this thought at all?”

/>   “Do you think I don’t love you?” His voice breaks, his gaze drilling into mine as he clenches my hips. “Because I do, Amber. Fuck, I love you with everything in me.”

  I shake my head and press my lips to his. “I know you love me, I do, but I’m trying to understand the suddenness of this. You never told me this is what you wanted. I’m just . . . confused, Brock. Confused about how I feel. Confused for you, for us. That’s all.”

  He stares at me, his thumbs kneading slow circles on my hips as I wait for him to say something. Seconds, minutes, hours crawl by. I don’t know how long, but the silence is killing me.

  “I kissed Ryder again,” I whisper, my spine stiffening the second the confession falls from my mouth.

  Face a brick of placidness, Brock swallows, his eyes never leaving mine.

  “You said no more lies. A clean slate for us. I . . . I don’t want to lie to you anymore, Brock. I can’t.” I pull in a ragged breath and climb off him, praying my cleansing doesn’t bathe him in hatred for me. Hands shaking, I twine our fingers together. “I went to his apartment back in September. It was the day I thought he’d said something to Hailey about my parents. His sister was there, and he was helping her. I got tangled up in the emotions of everything. He tried to stop it, he honestly did, but I wouldn’t let him. It just . . . happened.”

  Remaining silent, Brock fires up the engine and pulls out of the parking lot. With not a single word spoken between us, by the time we get to my dorm, I feel as though the only good thing ever to happen to me is about to vanish in the disarray of my life. I want to stop thinking, stop the loud clatter clogging my head. No matter how sweet they start off, lies will forever wind up bitter in the end.

  As I grip Brock’s hand tighter, I can’t help but acknowledge that this may be our end.

  CHAPTER 13

  Brock

  I KNEW SHE’D KISSED him.

  Felt it in my fucking bones, in the center of my chest.

  Parked in front of Amber’s dorm, I glance at her, my heart dropping into my balls as I stare into her beautiful, confused eyes. Those eyes caught me off guard the second I saw them. They blinded me, their sorrow calling out to me like a fucking banshee. It was then I knew that no matter the cost—no matter who or what I had to give up—I had to make her mine.